# Phrase meaning: "I can't even pretend to sympathize" **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [February 5, 2014, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594 "2014-02-05T19:01:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Kiyoshi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e19adc/32.png) [@Kiyoshi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiyoshi)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/1 "2014-02-05T19:01:02Z")
A simple question, but I can’t find any answer by googling. I’ve just come across the phrase “I can’t even pretend to sympathize”. To me, taking the words literally, it sounds negative, as if it means “I don’t give a shit”. But the contexts I’ve found online seem positive, as if it means “I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through”. Can anyone clear up the meaning for me ? ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/2 "2014-02-05T19:26:55Z")
There’s a subtle, but measurable difference between: 1. “I can’t begin to comprehend what you’re going through” and 1. “You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn” ---
**Author:** ![Claverhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Claverhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claverhouse)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/3 "2014-02-05T19:32:41Z")
There are no words sufficient enough to express my feelings. ---
**Author:** ![Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blue_blistering_barnacle/32/3386_2.png) [@Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blue_Blistering_Barnacle)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/4 "2014-02-05T19:40:17Z")
It’s the more compassionate one: “I can barely comprehend the depth of your predicament- I’m going to limit myself to making noises of empathy, which I hope will not disturb or offend you.” Not a particularly great phrase, in my opinion, because it is a sort of vapid, distancing statement. I think it became popular because people seem to have become very prickly in accepting the usual statements of sympathy/empathy. Maybe people have become more narcicistic. Anyway, nobody wants to hear twice, “How could you possibly understand \*my \*pain from the death of my (spouse/lover/child/pet/…)!” ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/5 "2014-02-05T19:41:06Z")
I don’t actually know the phrase, but the meaning of pretend might be different that the more usual “feigning”. It also means “laying claim to a quality”, so if that’s what it means in this case it means “I can’t lay claim to knowing how this feels”. So IOW, what **Claverhouse** said. ---
**Author:** ![Kiyoshi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e19adc/32.png) [@Kiyoshi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiyoshi)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/6 "2014-02-05T20:00:34Z")
Thanks for the responses, guys. I’d never seen the phrase before, and had no idea if the person I was talking to was being sympathetic or bitchy. That’s the trouble with written communication, I guess… ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/7 "2014-02-05T22:10:09Z")
If it is meant to be a positive thing, it is stupid. Someone can always _pretend_ to sympathize, and if they are saying this to be kind rather than snarky they _are_ sympathizing (or certainly pretending to). What they mean seems to be “I can’t begin to understand what you are going through (but I sympathize),” or “I can’t really empathize (never having been through anything similar myself), but I do sympathize.” ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Strangelove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.strangelove/32/6613_2.png) [@Dr.Strangelove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Strangelove)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/8 "2014-02-05T22:43:04Z")
> [@njtt](#): > > If it is meant to be a positive thing, it is stupid. Someone can always _pretend_ to sympathize, and if they are saying this to be kind rather than snarky they _are_ sympathizing (or certainly pretending to). What they mean seems to be “I can’t begin to understand what you are going through (but I sympathize),” or “I can’t really empathize (never having been through anything similar myself), but I do sympathize.” Sympathy still requires an emotional context. If someone told me their entire family was killed in a horrific accident, I couldn’t empathize _or_ sympathize, because nothing I’ve experienced has anywhere close to the same emotional depth as an event like that. I would be as sympathetic as possible, but it wouldn’t be enough–it would be a transparent fake. The line says “pretend” but the subtext is “pretend well enough that it wasn’t an obvious fake”. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/9 "2014-02-05T22:54:36Z")
Again, I don’t think pretend is being used to mean “make believe”. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim_r.mortiss/32/142_2.png) [@Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_R.Mortiss)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/10 "2014-02-05T23:08:28Z")
“I can barely imagine what you must be feeling right now.” ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/11 "2014-02-05T23:42:24Z")
> [@Dr.Strangelove](#): > > Sympathy still requires an emotional context. If someone told me their entire family was killed in a horrific accident, I couldn’t empathize _or_ sympathize, because nothing I’ve experienced has anywhere close to the same emotional depth as an event like that. I would be as sympathetic as possible, but it wouldn’t be enough–it would be a transparent fake. I do not think you are grasping the (admittedly subtle) distinction between [empathy](http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/american-english/empathy?q=empathy) and [sympathy](http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/american-english/sympathy_1?q=sympathy). ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2014, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/12 "2014-02-05T23:56:46Z")
I think you’d have to evaluate it based on the tone of the rest of the letter. It could mean either of the (opposite) ideas mentioned above. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Strangelove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.strangelove/32/6613_2.png) [@Dr.Strangelove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Strangelove)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2014, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrase-meaning-i-cant-even-pretend-to-sympathize/680594/13 "2014-02-06T00:35:35Z")
> [@njtt](#): > > I do not think you are grasping the (admittedly subtle) distinction between [empathy](http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/american-english/empathy?q=empathy) and [sympathy](http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/american-english/sympathy_1?q=sympathy). I’m aware of the distinction. Genuine (or genuine-sounding) empathy requires the subject to have experienced a similar situation–the death of a parent, etc… Sympathy doesn’t require matching the exact internal emotional state of the target, but I posit that it will come across as artificial unless the subject has had an experience of the same general magnitude. Otherwise you’re liable to say “I’m so sorry your dad died” in the same tone as “I’m so sorry your soup was cold.”