# Phrases I Need to Never Hear My Mother Say **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 21, 2013, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092 "2013-07-21T04:48:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/1 "2013-07-21T04:48:10Z")
So, I’m having dinner with my parents tonight. My mom makes me a drink, but overfills the glass so the only thing keeping it from overflowing is the surface tension of the liquid, making it impossible to lift the glass without spilling it. I point this out to my mom. Her response? “You’ll just have to bend over and suck it.” :eek: ---
**Author:** ![3trew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/13edae/32.png) [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/2 "2013-07-21T05:31:27Z")
Hmmm. Better or worse if it had been Dad? ---
**Author:** ![bibliophage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bibliophage/32/7615_2.png) [@bibliophage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophage)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 9:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/3 "2013-07-21T09:40:34Z")
My sister was pregnant and we were talking about baby names. My mother had heard a word somewhere but she didn’t know what it meant. She thought it would make a fine name for a girl. The word? Chlamydia. ---
**Author:** ![FinsToTheLeft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finstotheleft/32/2930_2.png) [@FinsToTheLeft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinsToTheLeft)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/4 "2013-07-21T11:33:48Z")
"I just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey and can’t wait for the next book ". Luckily, my wife heard it from her and I only got it second hand. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/5 "2013-07-21T17:15:31Z")
One time when I was a teenager, my teenager brother and I were sitting around with our prim and quiet mother. My brother asked our mom, “Mom, what is anal sex?” Mom said, “It’s when you fuck somebody in the ass, dear.” I was so mortified. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/6 "2013-07-21T20:46:28Z")
I’m sure I’ve told this story here before, but my mom had a breast lift done a few years back and wasn’t pleased with the aesthetics of her nipple reattachment. One day she chased me through the house insisting I look at her nipples and confirm that they “just lay there like a couple of canned mushrooms.” Of course, I don’t know why I was surprised–this is the same woman who attempted to make a sexual confidante of me when I was 16 and we were dealing with fallout of my father’s affair. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/7 "2013-07-21T21:11:55Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I’m sure I’ve told this story here before, but my mom had a breast lift done a few years back and wasn’t pleased with the aesthetics of her nipple reattachment. One day she chased me through the house insisting I look at her nipples and confirm that they “just lay there like a couple of canned mushrooms.” How poetic, though! ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/8 "2013-07-21T21:27:42Z")
> [@bibliophage](#): > > My sister was pregnant and we were talking about baby names. My mother had heard a word somewhere but she didn’t know what it meant. She thought it would make a fine name for a girl. The word? Chlamydia. A mate of mine did once have a girlfriend called Candida. I guess she had some excuse for being batshit insane. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/9 "2013-07-21T21:36:56Z")
_To the maitre d of a really expensive resaurant who was helping her up from her seat_ “I think my children are better than anyone else going, but then again, I’m prejudiced.” :smack: Miss you, Ma… ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Backwater\_Under\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ba8739/32.png) [@Backwater\_Under\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Backwater_Under_Duck)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/10 "2013-07-23T00:42:31Z")
Last year my mom fell in the bathroom. It was the beginning of the end, but in the meantime… She had fallen against the bathroom door, and I had to remove the window to get in to help her. The EMT came in the same way. We pulled the door off, and while he was working with the other guys to get a sheet under her to drag her out of the very small space, he was up close and personal with her, and she blurted out… If this guy gets any closer to me, he’s gonna screw me!!:smack: Mom, you did NOT just say that!!! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/11 "2013-07-23T16:04:07Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > A mate of mine did once have a girlfriend called Candida. I guess she had some excuse for being batshit insane. I met a woman last year named Candida. What surprised me was not that she was named it, but when I told my coworkers and explained it, they shrugged. “It’s still a pretty name.” Whaaaaaaaaat? Where I come from, words mean stuff! ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/12 "2013-07-23T16:15:23Z")
Well, it was also the name of a girl in a [song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WROdwlk9_h8) by Tony Orlando. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/13 "2013-07-23T16:22:15Z")
I went to law school with a Candida. She was incredibly intelligent and had a personality to match, so so much for the bat-shit theory. > [@](#): > > Well, it was also the name of a girl in a song by Tony Orlando. Which explains the huge spike–and the only time the name appears–in the [baby name wizard](http://www.babynamewizard.com/voyager#prefix=candida&ms=false&exact=false). ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/14 "2013-07-23T16:26:51Z")
“What does MILF mean?” ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/15 "2013-07-23T16:34:58Z")
Possibly the worst aspect of the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinski scandal was hearing my parents discuss fellatio at the dinner table. My parents owned a ten-acre tract of land. For several years, my older brother lived in a trailer in the “back yard”. For some time after he moved away, we kept getting his junk mail. Including his Adam & Eve catalogs. :eek: Mom was intrigued by the glow-in-the-dark dildo. :eek: :eek: :eek: ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/16 "2013-07-23T16:42:01Z")
Mama once complained to me about my stepfather masturbating. She also complained about a book she was reading having “too much oral sex.” I refrained from asking her how much was appropriate. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/17 "2013-07-23T18:23:51Z")
> [@FinsToTheLeft](#): > > … and I only got it second hand. I should hope so. ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/18 "2013-07-23T19:59:12Z")
A response to this thread that is completely irrelevant, but involves questions a mother doesn’t want to hear her 11-year son ask: “Mom, what is oral sex?” - Me (recovering quickly): “What do you think it means?” Son, somewhat hesitant: “It’s when you talk about sex?” Me (a sigh of relief because I can postpone that talk , though it means a craven lie) “That must be it.” I did not had the option of telling him to ask his father, his father had died a few months earlier. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/19 "2013-07-23T20:14:27Z")
Yep, mom scarred me forever when talking about one of the women my stepdad had an affair with: “She probably swallows!” ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092/20 "2013-07-23T20:48:21Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I met a woman last year named Candida. What surprised me was not that she was named it, but when I told my coworkers and explained it, they shrugged. “It’s still a pretty name.” > > Whaaaaaaaaat? Where I come from, words mean stuff! For a HS/College job, I couldn’t leave the premises & there was only one near-by place that delivered, a pizza joint called Candida’s. They weren’t all that good, but hey, they delivered, which beat the salted peanuts & candy bars from the vending machine when you wanted dinner & there was no one else/who could drive. I just thought it was the family’s last name like many small restaurants & didn’t know of the ‘other’ meaning. Can I get nauseous many years later 'cause I think I am? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phrases-i-need-to-never-hear-my-mother-say/664092.md?page=2)