# pick your wooden actor - actress couple of all-time! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 28, 2009, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500 "2009-10-28T19:32:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/21 "2009-10-29T00:31:29Z")
Can I just nominate Jessica Alba? Man, is she a terrible actress. ---
**Author:** ![Tangent](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tangent/32/3098_2.png) [@Tangent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tangent)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/22 "2009-10-29T01:11:01Z")
Zooey Deschanel - I’ve known trees with more personality than her. She’s cute, and I liked her in Elf–but everything else I’ve seen her in she’s been really wooden. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/23 "2009-10-29T01:39:32Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > I almost forgot about Ari Larter. She’s got two basic looks: the blank stare with the teeth sticking out and that other blank stare with the teeth sticking out. Yeah, but she looks really hot doing it! ---
**Author:** ![Dorothea\_Book](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@Dorothea\_Book](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dorothea_Book)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/24 "2009-10-29T04:13:31Z")
Sofia Coppola (the actress, not the director) and Jack Lord ---
**Author:** ![Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Airman_Doors_USAF)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/25 "2009-10-29T04:29:51Z")
One word: _Gigli_. I think even the film it was printed on was wooden. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/26 "2009-10-29T04:42:51Z")
> [@Stink Fish Pot](#): > > Crouse’s performance in House of Games (an otherwise great film ruined by this female piece of walnut). I first saw House of Games when I was pretty young 13 or 14 y/o or so, and I still remember to this day how I felt watching Crouse in that film. I though ‘wow! That lady’s REALLY good at keeping her emotions to herself - she’s completely unreadable’ (it was a gambling film, IIRC, so she was good in context). Then years later I saw her again in something else and I was 😕:mad: Damn, she wasn’t acting. ---
**Author:** ![Dorothea\_Book](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@Dorothea\_Book](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dorothea_Book)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/27 "2009-10-29T04:49:02Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > I first saw House of Games when I was pretty young 13 or 14 y/o or so, and I still remember to this day how I felt watching Crouse in that film. I though ‘wow! That lady’s REALLY good at keeping her emotions to herself - she’s completely unreadable’ (it was a gambling film, IIRC, so she was good in context). > > Then years later I saw her again in something else and I was 😕:mad: Damn, she wasn’t acting. But in defense of Crouse, isn’t that partly how David Mamet directs his actors? The sister in The Windlow Boy for example (whose name escapes me but who I think is a good actress directed to act woodenly by Mamet)? Yikes I just looked it up and it’s Rebecca Pidgeon who is mentioned above! Is it all possibly down to Mamet??? ---
**Author:** ![Ellis\_Aponte\_Jr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@Ellis\_Aponte\_Jr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellis_Aponte_Jr)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/28 "2009-10-29T05:41:33Z")
> [@Dorothea\_Book](#): > > Sofia Coppola (the actress, not the director) and Jack Lord Jack Lord’s hair was stiff, but he _owned_ the character of Steve McGarrett, to the point that, in his absence, you could _not_ remake _Hawaii Five-0_, although someone is foolishly trying to. ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/29 "2009-10-29T05:48:41Z")
> [@Airman\_Doors\_USAF](#): > > One word: _Gigli_. I think even the film it was printed on was wooden. I think that’s more a case of horrible direction, though - while I’m not a fan of Affleck or J-Lo, neither is normally what I’d consider wooden. I took the OP to mean actors who are always wooden - otherwise, there are too many decent actors who’ve given bad performances (the _Star Wars_ franchise, anyone?) because of shitty directors for the question to be meaningful. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/30 "2009-10-29T05:55:12Z")
Steven Seagal and Francesca Le. For those who don’t recognize Le’s name, she’s a porno actress. Good looking but all I can say about her acting ability is that she stands out for her bad acting even in a cast of other porno actors. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/31 "2009-10-29T06:36:51Z")
Males: Gary Shandling Matt Damon – now there’s a log for you. Rob Brown Sonny Bono – actually melded with a tree! I’ll call your Steven Seagall and raise you a Jean Claude Van Damme Oh yeah, and nearly the definition of wooden acting, Richard Kiel (Jaws in the Bond films) Which reminds me of Ted Cassidy, Lurch from **The Addams Family** I gotta say, my list of males alone shoots me right into the thread win category. Eh, it’s getting too late. I’ll have to list the women tomorrow. For the moment I’ll start with Joan Crawford, who had a range from uptight to angry. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/32 "2009-10-29T13:35:20Z")
David Duchovny and Tea Leoni. He’s so wooden you could build a cabin out of him; she’s so awful she couldn’t portray “falling” if you pushed her off a cliff. ---
**Author:** ![Dorothea\_Book](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@Dorothea\_Book](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dorothea_Book)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/33 "2009-10-29T13:42:31Z")
> [@Ellis\_Aponte\_Jr](#): > > Jack Lord’s hair was stiff, but he _owned_ the character of Steve McGarrett, to the point that, in his absence, you could _not_ remake _Hawaii Five-0_, although someone is foolishly trying to. It’s true **Ellis** , that Lord turned woodenness into a certain kind of macho sublime. But can you imagine him pulling off a romantic comedy? Oh, and is someone really masochistic enough to try to remaking _Five-0_? Yeesh–I would have thought AMC’s crack at _the Prisoner_ was enough tempting of the 60s re-make gods to last a century. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/34 "2009-10-29T14:27:47Z")
Although I love, love love his wooden self, all three of the little pigs could have made a house out of Clint Eastwood. His style is delightful and totally works for him but a font of emotion he is not. ---
**Author:** ![koufax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7ea924/32.png) [@koufax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koufax)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/35 "2009-10-29T14:41:22Z")
How about Robert “reverse mortgage” Wagner? ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/36 "2009-10-29T14:43:26Z")
Poor Andie McDowell always gets slammed. I thought she was really good playing a frigid woman in _Sex, Lies, and Videotape._ Oh wait. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/37 "2009-10-29T15:07:20Z")
Well she’s not at the _top_ of this totem pole, but **Kirsten Dunst** deserves a mention. Cute girl, love the snaggletoothed grin, but _wow_ she’s a bad actress. Her few scenes in _Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind_ nearly wrecked what was otherwise a superb movie. My vote for the top two would be **Keanu Reeves** and **Lindsey Crouse**. I re-watched House of Games the other day, and I agree with the OP that she really fouled up a nice script. I can’t figure out how Crouse gets work. She doesn’t even bring eye candy to the game. (She looks reasonably attractive, but definitely not good enough to build a film career on looks.) ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/38 "2009-10-29T15:13:30Z")
Who was the blond chick in _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_? She’s solid wood. Most of the Star Trek actresses have been wooden, or perhaps some new fangled alloy. Wooden actreeses are harder to come up with – so many of them are bad, but bad-perky rather than bad-wooden. Meg Ryan comes to mind as bad-perky. Ooh, one of my co-workers just suggested Appolonia(sp?) from Prince’s _Purple Rain_. ---
**Author:** ![h.sapiens](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e0b2c6/32.png) [@h.sapiens](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/h.sapiens)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/39 "2009-10-29T15:16:14Z")
Re: Lindsay Crouse and Rebecca Pigeon. Crouse used to be married to David Mamet (when House of Games was made) and Pigeon is currently married to him (The Winslow Boy, The Spanish Prisoner). So that explains how they got those roles, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2009, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/40 "2009-10-29T15:29:46Z")
Keanu Reeves and Meg Tilley. He could play the chalkboard and she the fingernails. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500.md?page=3)