# pick your wooden actor - actress couple of all-time! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 28, 2009, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500 "2009-10-28T19:32:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Ellis\_Aponte\_Jr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@Ellis\_Aponte\_Jr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellis_Aponte_Jr)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/61 "2009-10-30T15:25:20Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > Here’s the House of Games trailer so you can get a glimpse of her excellent range. 😉 > > [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0eFfE8oa98](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0eFfE8oa98) “David Mamet: he’s got a feel for the way people talk… and think… and cheat… and love. And he’s got the Pulitzer Prize to prove it…” Gosh, they don’t make movie trailers like that anymore… ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/62 "2009-10-30T16:03:38Z")
> [@Nightingale](#): > > I’ll see your Denise Richards and raise you one Casper Van Dien. Horrible. Casper Van Dien is animated enough. He’s just a terrible actor ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/63 "2009-10-30T16:55:48Z")
> [@spoke-](#): > > Well she’s not at the _top_ of this totem pole, but **Kirsten Dunst** deserves a mention. Cute girl, love the snaggletoothed grin, but _wow_ she’s a bad actress. Her few scenes in _Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind_ nearly wrecked what was otherwise a superb movie. Oh absolutely. Everyone raved about her in _Interview With the Vampire_ because she was a little girl tackling very adult subject matter, but she wasn’t stellar in that role, she just didn’t corpse it. Compare her “skills” in that role to Anna Paquin’s performance in _The Piano_ and the inability is obvious, and if that doesn’t cork it, check out the horror which is the 1994 remake of _Little Women_ with wooden Dunst, unable-to-convincingly-cry Claire Danes and one-expression Samantha Mathis, all horribly miscast against the sublime Susan Sarandon, Trini Alvarado and Winona Ryder. Even the unknown character actress cast as the family maid showed more convincing emotion than Dunst, Danes or Mathis, actually. That said, how are we 60-odd posts in without a single mention of the biggest plank of wood to ever wooden his woody, splitery way through three of the highest grossing films in history? People, people, come on! **Hayden Christensen**!! ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2009, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/64 "2009-10-30T17:06:46Z")
Oh yeah, and the Spider-Man movies have been blessed with not one but two of our most cellulose-like performers: Kirsten Dunst and [James Franco](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Franco) ---
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2009, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/65 "2009-10-31T02:51:33Z")
> [@Argent\_Towers](#): > > Also, _Big Love._ > > Bill Paxton is an _excellent_ actor. He might come off as wooden because the characters that he plays are often pretty one-dimensional. But that’s not his acting, that’s just how the characters are supposed to be. _Big Love_ is proof that Paxton has the skills to pull off serious acting - a show centering around the micro-economy of a family’s day-to-day life, 80% of which takes place inside a suburban home and concerns the most mundane domestic tasks, managed to be one of the most riveting, tense and suspenseful shows on television! And it’s in no small part because of Paxton, and Chloe Sevigny and Jeanne Tripplehorn. I have to respectfully disagree. I watch this show, and it goes on my list for wooden performances. It is something about the lack of inflection in his voice that makes him look like a piece of oak. Serious acting? I give you my favorite quote from the Titanic. “Titanic. I never got it.” That’s great Bill. As far as Big Love, he is the weakest of a strong cast. The show takes the viewer to jump many hurdles, (such as the fact that “Bill” never seems to be at work), but beyond that his line delivery is flat. Monotone and no inflection. I am not going to defend my choice any longer. He is my choice. Although the rest of you have brought up a number of great options which I could possibly be convinced to replace Bill. But he’ll never leave my list. Never! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2009, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/66 "2009-10-31T03:38:01Z")
It would be a tossup between Charlie McCarthy and Howdy Doody, but one or the other definitely put in the most wooden performance since William Shatner took emoting lessons. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2009, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/67 "2009-10-31T05:45:46Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > Kevin Costner and Melanie Griffith: they could make_Antony and Cleopatra_ or _The Lion in Winter_ look like the lamest ever episode of _Yes Dear_ Much as you’re one of my favorite posters, Samp, you’ve obviously not seen a lot of Melanie Griffith movies. Body Double? Something Wild? A couple of the least wooden performances by anyone, anywhere. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2009, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/68 "2009-10-31T05:54:05Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > Here’s the House of Games trailer so you can get a glimpse of her excellent range. 😉 > > [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0eFfE8oa98](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0eFfE8oa98) While I’m not gonna go out on a limb to defend Crouse, this preview doesn’t count. Note how “wooden” Joe Mantegna is too. That’s just [Mamet](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6egU8vdxP0). ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2009, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/69 "2009-10-31T07:20:50Z")
> [@lissener](#): > > While I’m not gonna go out on a limb to defend Crouse, this preview doesn’t count. Note how “wooden” Joe Mantegna is too. That’s just [Mamet](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6egU8vdxP0). Yeah, I guess you’re right, re-watching it I too was surprised just how flat everyone seemed. But Mantegna was emoting with his voice, face and body a least a little bit. As you say though, it might all be the Mamet effect, and if so, I wish he’d write more and direct less. Just the way Crouse moves her head to ‘surreptitiously’ look across the street, instead of keeping her head still and moving her eyes only, like a normal person would do in that situation, has me now convinced that she is an android. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Dorothea\_Book](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@Dorothea\_Book](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dorothea_Book)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2009, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/70 "2009-10-31T14:45:28Z")
> [@lissener](#): > > While I’m not gonna go out on a limb to defend Crouse, this preview doesn’t count. Note how “wooden” Joe Mantegna is too. That’s just [Mamet](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6egU8vdxP0). Yes–and same for Pidgeon in Winslow Boy–though I don’t think anyone can make Jeremy Northam wooden. He is constitutionally resistant to Mametization of this kind. ---
**Author:** ![Pulp\_Friction](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/2acd7d/32.png) [@Pulp\_Friction](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pulp_Friction)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2009, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/71 "2009-11-01T14:12:46Z")
How about [SIZE=2]Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe on 24)? I imagine the scriptwriters having a macro for “_Chloe pouts_”. [/SIZE] ---
**Author:** ![Vrinda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@Vrinda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vrinda)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2012, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/72 "2012-02-14T18:57:12Z")
> [@Dorothea\_Book](#): > > It’s true **Ellis** , that Lord turned woodenness into a certain kind of macho sublime. But can you imagine him pulling off a romantic comedy? > > Oh, and is someone really masochistic enough to try to remaking _Five-0_? Yeesh–I would have thought AMC’s crack at _the Prisoner_ was enough tempting of the 60s re-make gods to last a century. Jack didn’t do a romantic comedy, and there are a lot of actors who didn’t. That doesn’t mean he was wooden. Judging him by imagining him in a type of role he never played is an unfair form of assessing his talent. Actors have different abilities, and smart ones know to take roles that they know they can play. Jack was not into comedy or doing love scenes. He wasn’t comfortable with them. There is nothing wrong with that, and it doesn’t mean he’s less talented because of it. Jack Lord did not make woodeness into some kind of “macho sublime.” If you actually watched him, and paid attention to his facial expressions, tone of voice, and his interactions with the other actors, you would see that he showed range and did not make the same face or speak in the same voice all the time. As far as the Steve McGarrett character goes, he is a chief of a state police unit, who has to be on the job around the clock, with little time for himself. He’s responsible for protecting millions of people on seven islands, and running his organization. He’s also got a military background, which makes for a very serious person who is not going to be fun and games all the time. He’s going to be serious, suppress his emotions so they don’t get in the way of his work, and no-nonsense. He’s also going be veru grim and tough when dealing with criminals and in crisis situations. All those things Jack did convincingly. He also showed fear when he or his men were in trouble, concern for them when they had problems, and compassion for victims. He was also hard-headed, stubborn, inert, and impatient in earlier seasons. In later seasons, he was calmer and more patient. He showed fear with the drop of his jaw and his eyes opening wide, sadness with his eyes turning larger. He even shed tears and certain occasions, and smiled as well. That’s a lot, coming from a so-called “wooden actor.” If you have fully-functioning eyes and ears, you’d see all that. ---
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2012, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/73 "2012-02-14T19:19:22Z")
Lee Majors. Even as a kid I could tell he sucked. I’ll give him a little credit. He’s improved with age. He was in a recent episode of Grey’s Anatomy and not half bad. ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2012, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/74 "2012-02-14T19:43:32Z")
> [@The\_Second\_Stone](#): > > Gregory Peck and Rebecca Pidgeon I realize this is a zombie thread but I didn’t see this post before. Gregory Peck!? Seriously?! He’s not wooden, he’s just subtle. Pistols at Dawn! Actually, I work nights, let’s make it Noon. No, 1 pm would be better as I need my coffee. And I don’t have a pistol, can I borrow one? ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2012, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/75 "2012-02-14T19:45:49Z")
> [@Vrinda](#): > > … Jack was not into comedy or doing love scenes. He wasn’t comfortable with them. There is nothing wrong with that, and it doesn’t mean he’s less talented because of it. … That’s pretty much exactly what it means. An actor with less range than other actors is pretty much by definition less talented as an actor than the others. ---
**Author:** ![Dan\_Norder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4af34b/32.png) [@Dan\_Norder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan_Norder)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/76 "2012-02-19T18:35:46Z")
Most zombies are pretty wooden. ---
**Author:** ![Toucanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Toucanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toucanna)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2012, 8:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/77 "2012-02-22T08:53:28Z")
> [@Dan\_Norder](#): > > Most zombies are pretty wooden. No, they’re stiff. ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2012, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/78 "2012-02-22T15:11:14Z")
> [@tanstaafl](#): > > Martin Landau and Barbera Bain. I always maintain that Anderson picked them as the leads for _Space: 1999_ because all his experience was with directing wooden marionettes. Thanks you for this. Not only did it make me laugh but it put into words why I really disliked that show, though I loved every other Gerry Anderson production. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2012, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/79 "2012-02-22T15:16:13Z")
Kyle MacLachlan & Pia Zadora in _Ent-Wife: A Love Story_. The plot consists of the two staring at each other for 4 hours, which is how long it takes Mr. Ent (MacLachlan) to utter all 3 words of the script (“I love you”). Film critic I.P. Freleigh said MachLachlan is “a wonder to behold, in that no make-up, prosthetics or CGI was used at all to achieve this unflinching, unblinking portrayal.” The sequel, _Ent-Wife 2: Family Tree_ is a 5 hour movie consisting of one static medium shot where nobody does anything. This film is considered by critics to be Zadora’s finest role; Gene Shalit’s mustache wrote that “it takes full advantage of her natural range.” ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2012, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500/80 "2012-02-22T16:32:02Z")
I can’t believe this thread has gone on this long without a mention of Julia Roberts. She has one expression: smirk. Pair her with Costner and you have the most boring rom-com of all time. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pick-your-wooden-actor-actress-couple-of-all-time/515500.md?page=5)