# Pirate brutally attacks defenseless Sausage **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 10, 2003, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458 "2003-07-10T13:48:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/1 "2003-07-10T13:48:59Z")
[What new fresh hell is this?](http://www.signonsandiego.com/sports/20030710-9999_z1s10gallry.html) People, I implore you: WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT SORT OF TOPSY TURVY WORLD WE ARE LIVING IN when a man attacks a helpless Italian meat? And a lady meat at that? Last night at the Brewers Game in Milwaukee, Randall Simon viciously attacked THE ITALIAN SAUSAGE during the customary fourth inning sausage race. The woman rocketed to the ground, rolling around like a giant beetle flipped onto its back. Thank god for Good Samaritans like the Bratwurst and All American Hotdog who STOPPED racing to help this woman up. On a serious note, Simon is actually being charged with assault, as hitting someone over the head with a bat EVEN WHILE IN COSTUME is generally looked upon as dickish. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/2 "2003-07-10T13:52:55Z")
Well, he’s a replacement level player. He’s got to be carrying around some repressed hostility, doesn’t he? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/3 "2003-07-10T13:54:54Z")
The article on [cnn.com](http://cnn.com) said “Randall Simon, who is known to swing at anything…” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Cheatem\_Undhow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/13edae/32.png) [@Dewey\_Cheatem\_Undhow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Cheatem_Undhow)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/4 "2003-07-10T13:58:02Z")
So Randall Simon was beating his meat? Stroking his sausage? ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/5 "2003-07-10T14:10:30Z")
Let this be a lesson to all of you: If you can’t take the heat, don’t beat the meat. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/6 "2003-07-10T14:10:51Z")
She’s back!! But more importantly, not mentioned in the OP is the more egregious crime committed by the Pirates last night - they were wearing their 70s unis. Those horrid, “the light, the light!” bright yellow with black pin stripe uniforms. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/7 "2003-07-10T14:15:50Z")
All right, for once I’m not so proud to be my piratical self. I mean, if I’m going to beat a sausage, I’m not going to do it where other people can see me. C’mon, this is just common sense. Er, wait. That didn’t come out quite right. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/8 "2003-07-10T14:40:04Z")
And for god sakes the proper way to beat a sausage is _not_ with a bat! ---
**Author:** ![bayonet1976](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/77aa72/32.png) [@bayonet1976](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bayonet1976)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/9 "2003-07-10T14:50:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dewey Cheatem Undhow \* > \*\*So Randall Simon was beating his meat? Stroking his sausage? \*\* I think the problem here is that he was beating someone else’s meat, stroking someone else’s sausage. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/10 "2003-07-10T15:19:52Z")
I’m sorry, but I don’t really find this all that amusing. Since when is it funny for a man to hit a woman with a baseball bat? If she wasn’t wearing the costume how funny would it be? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/11 "2003-07-10T15:26:24Z")
:rolleyes: I guess that’s why I said he’s being charged with assault and even added “ON A SERIOUS NOTE”. The guy is a dick and I said as much in my OP It wouldn’t be funny at all if she wasn’t wearing a sausage costume, but the fact is, she was, and as such, she was a) protected from being TOO seriously hurt and b) funny looking. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Cheatem\_Undhow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/13edae/32.png) [@Dewey\_Cheatem\_Undhow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Cheatem_Undhow)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/12 "2003-07-10T15:26:40Z")
**Diogenes** , you’ve been around here long enough to know that obvious masturbation jokes trump all other concerns. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/13 "2003-07-10T15:27:05Z")
Ah, but she was. And that has made all the difference. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/14 "2003-07-10T15:36:50Z")
**Dewey** and **Jonathan** both make excellent points…carry on, then. ---
**Author:** ![bordelond](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bordelond/32/150_2.png) [@bordelond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bordelond)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/15 "2003-07-10T15:37:00Z")
I’ve just read that Simon was able _to finish playing the game_! WTF? Why was that guy not summarily placed in a holding cell? BTW – has anyone actually SEEN footage of the assault? There’s a chance the TV crew was caught napping, because I don’t think they ordinarily shoot the sausage races. But I’d like to know just how hard Simon actually hit her so that I may better understand why he was not carted off. Pirates OF Reggie Sanders acts as though Simon barely tapped her, yet Simon’s swing is described as a [“two-handed chop”](http://espn.go.com/mlb/news/2003/0709/1578808.html). Huh? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/16 "2003-07-10T15:38:56Z")
Finally, a story that provides it’s own link. ---
**Author:** ![Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bottle_of_Smoke)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/17 "2003-07-10T15:42:52Z")
Sure it would have been different if she wasn’t dressed as a giant Italian sausage, but then…I mean, come on – she was dressed as a giant Italian sausage! Disclaimer: I am glad the woman was not seriously injured, Simon was a dick to do something like that, etc. That said, that was the most entertainment I have seen at a Brewers game in years. Coming in just higher than “Oh, look – the roof is retracting.” ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/18 "2003-07-10T15:42:54Z")
You’re a bastard, lieu. That was awful. ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/19 "2003-07-10T15:50:06Z")
Pics here! [http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/news/07102003\_bb\_mascotmayhem.html](http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/news/07102003_bb_mascotmayhem.html) ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2003, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458/20 "2003-07-10T15:53:01Z")
She was hit very lightly at the top of her costume and her most serious injury was skinned knees and an inability to get up because the center of gravity is so low on those things. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirate-brutally-attacks-defenseless-sausage/187458.md?page=2)