# Pirates: The Porn Film **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 27, 2005, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897 "2005-11-27T07:42:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/21 "2005-11-28T00:22:19Z")
You think that is great? My other favorite scene: Cleopatra is getting massaged (naked, naturally) by her slave girl while some other slave girl is washing herself in the background. Cleopatra (turning her head towards the slave girl): “I like them.” Pause Pause Massage Pause Cleopatra: “Your hands, they’re so delicate.” Pause Massage Pause Cleopatra: “But Caeser’s feel better on my pussy.” 70s porn music You can figure out what happened after that. Oh, did I mention this film wasn’t originally in English? Yeah, the words are dubbed over- making for even more funny. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/22 "2005-11-28T00:29:52Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > You think that is great? My other favorite scene: > > Cleopatra is getting massaged (naked, naturally) by her slave girl while some other slave girl is washing herself in the background. > > Cleopatra (turning her head towards the slave girl): “I like them.” > Pause > Pause > Massage > Pause > Cleopatra: “Your hands, they’re so delicate.” > Pause > Massage > Pause > Cleopatra: “But Caeser’s feel better on my pussy.” > 70s porn music > > You can figure out what happened after that. > > Oh, did I mention this film wasn’t originally in English? Yeah, the words are dubbed over- making for even more funny. I have to see this movie. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/23 "2005-11-28T00:31:54Z")
[http://www.freddyandeddy.com/videoreviews/private/cleopatravideoreview.htm](http://www.freddyandeddy.com/videoreviews/private/cleopatravideoreview.htm) Cleopatra. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/24 "2005-11-28T00:36:15Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > [http://www.freddyandeddy.com/videoreviews/private/cleopatravideoreview.htm](http://www.freddyandeddy.com/videoreviews/private/cleopatravideoreview.htm) > Cleopatra. 😃 Thanks! Just reading the review amused me. Experienced porn watchers, though? Oh, my tender little sensibilities! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/25 "2005-11-28T00:44:21Z")
If you do buy Cleopatra for the funny, buy the special edition (I bought it online for $24). The second disc has bloopers (PORN BLOOPERS! ha!) and interviews with all the actors and directors. The director is hilarious. He wears a little hat, smokes, has a funny little accent. He goes on and on how he spent YEARS looking for the proper actress to play Cleopatra and how it took forever to get permits to actually shoot in Egypt. Yeah, you must buy this movie. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/26 "2005-11-28T00:51:48Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > If you do buy Cleopatra for the funny, buy the special edition (I bought it online for $24). > > The second disc has bloopers (PORN BLOOPERS! ha!) and interviews with all the actors and directors. > > The director is hilarious. He wears a little hat, smokes, has a funny little accent. He goes on and on how he spent YEARS looking for the proper actress to play Cleopatra and how it took forever to get permits to actually shoot in Egypt. > > Yeah, you must buy this movie. Will people laugh at me when I tell them this is the first porn I’ve ever bought? Suddenly I feel nervous. **DMark,** I am really sorry for hijacking your thread like this. ---
**Author:** ![Cerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3bc359/32.png) [@Cerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerri)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/27 "2005-11-28T02:27:00Z")
My fiance bought it home as a surprise for me, and we snuggled up on the couch to watch it. I loved it, but neither of us could get horny watching it. At one point we were laughing so hard we were both crying. The “Good captain” guy in it is hilarious. His performance is so completely, cheeseily tongue-in-cheek…it was brilliant in a very MST3K-worthy sort of way. I’ll grant you, my sweetie and I have pretty odd senses of humor, but… [spoiler]One of our favorite scene was: one of the female leads is kidnapped by a gang of pirates and stolen away to a pirate hideout where she is forced to have sex with a prostitute, while the pirate-gang looked on. Turns out it’s a “pirate bachelor party”, the female lead gets into it after about 15 seconds of protest about the situation, and the two men are happily engaged in a girl-girl show for the “bachelor party” to watch. That’s not the funny part. The entire time the two woman are having at, as it were, the pirates are making _some of the most hilarious pirate-porn cliches we’d ever heard_. \*“Arrr! Swab 'er deck, lassy!” One of the girls was on the other one’s boobs and one crys out “land ho!” My sweetie and I started joining in with some of our own comments about poop decks, and walkin’ the plank, and we just lost it. [/spoiler] I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C_K_Dexter_Haven)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/28 "2005-11-28T04:53:26Z")
Just a reminder: we do not allow direct links to sites that are not “workplace safe.” See [Forum Rules](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=343601), Post #5. ---
**Author:** ![Cerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3bc359/32.png) [@Cerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerri)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/29 "2005-11-28T07:57:30Z")
> [@Cerri](#): > > My fiance bought it home as a surprise for me, and we snuggled up on the couch to watch it. > > I loved it, but neither of us could get horny watching it. At one point we were laughing so hard we were both crying. The “Good captain” guy in it is hilarious. His performance is so completely, cheeseily tongue-in-cheek…it was brilliant in a very MST3K-worthy sort of way. > > I’ll grant you, my sweetie and I have pretty odd senses of humor, but… > > [spoiler]One of our favorite scene was: one of the female leads is kidnapped by a gang of pirates and stolen away to a pirate hideout where she is forced to have sex with a prostitute, while the pirate-gang looked on. > > Turns out it’s a “pirate bachelor party”, the female lead gets into it after about 15 seconds of protest about the situation, and the two men are happily engaged in a girl-girl show for the “bachelor party” to watch. That’s not the funny part. > > The entire time the two woman are having at, as it were, the pirates are making _some of the most hilarious pirate-porn cliches we’d ever heard_. > > \*“Arrr! Swab 'er deck, lassy!” One of the girls was on the other one’s boobs and one crys out “land ho!” > > My sweetie and I started joining in with some of our own comments about poop decks, and walkin’ the plank, and we just lost it. [/spoiler] > > I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. 😃 _comes back and sticks a “wo-” where appropriate in the spoiler box, then slinks off_ ---
**Author:** ![Headrush042](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Headrush042](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Headrush042)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/30 "2005-11-28T13:44:04Z")
Slight hijack: Speaking of pr0n movies that have gone above and beyond the call of duty to entertain the horny masses, I once saw an absolutely hilarious porno called “Dick Black, Black Dick” made sometime in the 70s or early 80s in the vein of a Blaxploitation flick. It was about a black private detective named Dick Black who interrogated his female subjects via giving them orgasms, and there were even a few cheesy fight scenes thrown in (plus you can imagine the groovy blaxploitation-style dialogue). Due to the nature of the title though, it has been impossible to find a DVD copy using a normal search engine (as you can imagine). Though I did manage to find a listing for it once, it hadn’t been released yet, and I haven’t been able to find a listing for it since. Any suggestions? ---
**Author:** ![ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/31 "2005-11-28T17:36:02Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > I saw this one! Very entertaining. The best porn I ever saw, story-wise, was the remake of [Alice In Wonderland](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074113/), starring Kristine DeBell. Singing, dancing, costume, playful animals… 😃 Heh. My parents left me with a babysitter and went to go see this in a theater. I was about 2. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/32 "2005-11-28T18:07:49Z")
> [@Harimad-sol](#): > > **DMark,** I am really sorry for hijacking your thread like this. Yeah, well - only fitting I get screwed in my thread about porn. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2005, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/33 "2005-11-28T22:28:56Z")
:: rim shot! :: Wait… ewwwwwwwwww. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2005, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/34 "2005-11-29T02:29:30Z")
> [@](#): > > Production costs of over $1 million? The investors will end up in a hole for sure. I bet they’ll feel like boobs for wasting their money on such a bust. _singing_ Even with a show the critics hammer, Featuring a bosom or a leg, Still there’s lots of glory and there’s glamour To back a drama that lays an egg. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2005, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/35 "2005-11-29T07:25:05Z")
Am I the only Doper who finds this thread’s posts-to-views ratio to be laughably lopsided? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2005, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897/36 "2005-11-29T18:41:20Z")
> [@rjung](#): > > Am I the only Doper who finds this thread’s posts-to-views ratio to be laughably lopsided? 😃 The fact that the word PORN is in the thread title has, I am sure, nothing to do with it whatsoever. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pirates-the-porn-film/332897.md?page=1)