# Pitting my brother-in-law, for ruining Thanksgiving. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 20, 2004, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844 "2004-11-20T17:13:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bill\_H](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a5b964/32.png) [@Bill\_H](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_H)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/21 "2004-11-23T20:21:50Z")
**hillbilly queen** wrote > [@](#): > > He said that he and his family are staying home Thanksgiving whether the rest of us come or not. The other brother and his wife will probably go because they’re all buddies. So it will just be us (me, hubby and kid), and my husband’s parents. Why aren’t you going to his house? How did you and parents-in-law decide to switch from parents-in-laws house to yours? > [@](#): > > The last time she went to his house, he told her that her wheelchair was in the way and leaving tracks on the carpet. So she doesn’t exactly feel welcome in his house. As everybody’s pointed out, this is completely out of line. Has anybody talked to him about this? Is this the reason MIL isn’t going to his house? **Chefguy** wrote > [@](#): > > I look forward every year to going to my sister’s house so I can listen to her spouse talk about ‘the niggers’ in front of his grandchildren. Why do you go there? Why don’t you tell him in advance that the first time you hear the word you’ll have to leave? Not saying anything is basically approving of the behavior. > [@](#): > > Too bad, really, because I like getting together as a family and this will end that tradition. I doubt it. if others have any decency (and I’m sure they do), they’re also fed up with it, and will welcome somebody doing something about it. It doesn’t have to be a fist-fight or a screaming sort of thing. But he needs to feel a consequence to his behavior. ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/22 "2004-11-23T21:06:11Z")
> [@Bill H.](#): > > As everybody’s pointed out, this is completely out of line. I don’t know. What with **hillbilly queen** expecting that MIL will spend “half the day bitching about it all, and the other half crying”, I’m thinking MIL sounds a bit like the walking, er, rolling wounded, with maybe an eensy passive aggressive streak. Is it possible that she purposely tracked mud on his carpet the last time she went to his house because she didn’t want to be there? Sure, it’s a stretch, but still. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/23 "2004-11-23T21:49:07Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Ah, BILs and the people who hate them. I look forward every year to going to my sister’s house so I can listen to her spouse talk about ‘the niggers’ in front of his grandchildren. I think this year, with my nerves raw from the election, any comments in this vein from this ‘family values’ moron will probably at long last elicit the response they deserve. Too bad, really, because I like getting together as a family and this will end that tradition. We are obviously part of the same family, so sit by me and help me out when they get into the fight over gay marriage. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_H](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a5b964/32.png) [@Bill\_H](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_H)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/24 "2004-11-23T22:06:11Z")
**OleOneEye** wrote > [@](#): > > I don’t know. What with hillbilly queen expecting that MIL will spend “half the day bitching about it all, and the other half crying”, I’m thinking MIL sounds a bit like the walking, er, rolling wounded, with maybe an eensy passive aggressive streak. Is it possible that she purposely tracked mud on his carpet the last time she went to his house because she didn’t want to be there? Sure, it’s a stretch, but still. Anything’s possible. On this particular subject I have strong feelings, as my mother’s in a chair and has been since she had polio as child. She’s drving 600 miles to spend Thanksgiving with us as she (and a bunch of others) does every year. She typically puts a gouge in the wall in our especially narrow hallway. And I’m very happy to have her there, gouges or no. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/25 "2004-11-24T05:04:18Z")
I’m still confused. He invited everyone, including MIL, to his house for Thanksgiving, right? Even though he had previously griped to MIL that the wheelchair made tracks (dents, or actual dirty marks?) on his carpet, he still invited her, right? Did she tell him why she isn’t coming? ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/26 "2004-11-24T13:15:25Z")
BIL’s comment about the wheelchair is completely out of line, as far as I’m concerned. My mom’s been wheelchair and walker dependent for several years now. When it became impossible for her to negotiate the stairs into my brother’s house, he built a temporary ramp so we could haul her chair up and in for the holidays. Now she’s in a motorized wheelchair and can’t get in the house at all. So, as I did last year, I’ll be spending the holiday meal with her at the assisted living, eating institutional turkey (last year the well-meaning but clueless chef put bits of red and green pepper in the stuffing :eek: ), and keeping her company in the almost empty dining room since her usual buddies have been taken to their relatives’ homes for the meal. My brother and his family will come over later with dessert plus leftovers from their own scrumptious meal. And we’ll all be happy that mom’s still with us. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/27 "2004-11-24T18:01:41Z")
I’m lucky in that my husband’s family doesn’t gather for Thanksgiving. They all splinter in one direction or another. So we do my family. Since my mom died, my sister and I have collaborated on the holiday meal. But WAH freakin’ HOO if my uncle didn’t invite us to his place this year! I’m beyond thrilled. However, my son is spending turkey day with a group of friends who don’t have any family here in Chicago. It will be my first Thanksgiving without him, and I’m kinda bummed about that. But he’s doing a nice thing, so I will have to tough it out. Holidays…they’re kinda scary, aren’t they? ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/28 "2004-11-24T18:22:40Z")
What ever happened to the tradition of Thanksgiving actually being about, you know, **giving thanks** for the blessings in our lives? All this one-upsmanship and hurt feelings and passive agressiveness and pettiness and selfishness is just abominable and has nothing whatsoever to do with Thanksgiving traditions. Someone ought to remind _all_ the players in this nonsense of that fact. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/29 "2004-11-24T20:44:34Z")
Am I one of the only people who doesn’t care to host anything? I’m happy to contribute to hosting, either with cooking and bringing food, or with donating toward the food bill, or any other way. But I don’ t have any need nor desire to be the host. Which makes me think that I must be pretty damn abnormal, given this thread. ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/30 "2004-11-24T20:51:33Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Am I one of the only people who doesn’t care to host anything? I’m happy to contribute to hosting, either with cooking and bringing food, or with donating toward the food bill, or any other way. But I don’ t have any need nor desire to be the host. > > Which makes me think that I must be pretty damn abnormal, given this thread. No, you’re not the only one. I dread the day anybody expects me to host anything, and I would never volunteer. Why do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the work while everybody is relaxing and enjoying (as much as they can) each other’s company? I’m certainly never going to fight with anybody for the privilege of being that year’s kitchen bitch. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/31 "2004-11-24T23:12:30Z")
> [@pepperlandgirl](#): > > No, you’re not the only one. I dread the day anybody expects me to host anything, and I would never volunteer. Why do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the work while everybody is relaxing and enjoying (as much as they can) each other’s company? I’m certainly never going to fight with anybody for the privilege of being that year’s kitchen bitch. There are a lot of sickly-sweet reasons, but (my own) utterly selfish reason is that I am intensely territorial and am always happier in my own space–and my mother’s house, or mother-in-law’s house, or sibling’s house do not count as “my space”. The uncomfortableness of hostess duties is well compensated for by the comfort of not having to spend the day somewhere besides my home. That said, I still rotate Thanksgivings and put up with the discomfort because that’s fair. What seems horribly off about the OP is that no one actually has discussed anything–everyone has just made pronouncements and decisons. Where’s the negotiating? ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/32 "2004-11-24T23:30:59Z")
I’d be happy to be invited to one of the kids’ houses for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and I’ve dropped unsubtle hints, like “Would you like to do it next year? Your kitchen is beautiful, and so much bigger than mine.” But no. I think part of it is the cost, and another part is that if you go somewhere else, you can leave whenever you want to. I’ve never been able to figure out how to nicely tell people that it’s time for them to go home. ---
**Author:** ![StarvingButStrong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/starvingbutstrong/32/335_2.png) [@StarvingButStrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StarvingButStrong)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/33 "2004-11-24T23:33:07Z")
Another determined-not-to-be-hostess here. Not that I mind the cleaning or cooking, but when you’re at someone else’s place you can just develope a ‘headache’ and leave when/if the same old family fights break out. That’s a heck of a lot easier and less aggressive than trying to throw out a dozen family members because you’re going to reach the screaming point in five more minutes. ---
**Author:** ![StarvingButStrong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/starvingbutstrong/32/335_2.png) [@StarvingButStrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StarvingButStrong)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/34 "2004-11-24T23:35:19Z")
Oops. Must learn to preview. Uh, IOW, what AuntiePam said. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/35 "2004-11-24T23:47:34Z")
> [@hillbilly queen](#): > > The last time she went to his house, he told her that her wheelchair was in the way and leaving tracks on the carpet. :mad: So she doesn’t exactly feel welcome in his house. Note to Self: When my mother-in-law is in a wheelchair (probably in the not to distant future), just shut the fuck up and clean the wheels myself before enjoying the company of the WHOLE family. I feel for your family, **HQ**. Thanks for sharing so the rest of us may learn something. ---
**Author:** ![Cerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3bc359/32.png) [@Cerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerri)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2004, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/36 "2004-11-24T23:57:30Z")
> [@Shayna](#): > > What ever happened to the tradition of Thanksgiving actually being about, you know, **giving thanks** for the blessings in our lives? > > All this one-upsmanship and hurt feelings and passive agressiveness and pettiness and selfishness is just abominable and has nothing whatsoever to do with Thanksgiving traditions. Someone ought to remind _all_ the players in this nonsense of that fact. Haha, you’re kidding, right? In my family, one-upsmanship and hurt feelings and passive agressiveness and pettiness and selfishness IS the family holiday tradition. Not just Thanksgiving either, that’s pretty much _every_ holiday’s tradition in my family. Happily, I don’t talk to my family anymore and moved halfway across the country to boot. ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2004, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/37 "2004-11-25T03:14:48Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Am I one of the only people who doesn’t care to host anything? I’m happy to contribute to hosting, either with cooking and bringing food, or with donating toward the food bill, or any other way. But I don’ t have any need nor desire to be the host. > > Which makes me think that I must be pretty damn abnormal, given this thread. That’s exactly how I feel. If we do start rotating the hosting duties, I’ll do my part, but it’s not something I’m looking forward to. **kittenblue** He didn’t _exactly_ invite MIL. He knew that she had already bought the food to have it at her house. So he told her not to bother fixing anything for his family. Then, a few days later, invited the rest of us to his house. About the wheelchair tracks: They weren’t dirty tracks, just dents in the carpet. Of course when he said it, we all jumped on him for being such an ass, so he said he was just joking. But I don’t think he was. ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2004, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/38 "2004-11-25T03:17:32Z")
:smack: by “the rest of us” I meant the other 2 brothers and their families. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2004, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/39 "2004-11-25T03:34:51Z")
Dude didn’t even invite his own mother to Thanksgiving? That’s pretty low. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2004, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844/40 "2004-11-25T06:34:10Z")
> [@hillbilly queen](#): > > About the wheelchair tracks: They weren’t dirty tracks, just dents in the carpet. Of course when he said it, we all jumped on him for being such an ass, so he said he was just joking. But I don’t think he was. Second Note to Self: Just shut the fuck up. (You’re BIL is even more pathetic than I thought.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-my-brother-in-law-for-ruining-thanksgiving/275844.md?page=3)