# Pitting UltraVires **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 22, 2018, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734 "2018-09-22T16:05:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lance\_Turbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lance_turbo/32/6156_2.png) [@Lance\_Turbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lance_Turbo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/1 "2018-09-22T16:05:02Z")
We have a winner for the title of West Virginia’s dumbest lawyer This guy! > [@Can Democrats actually stop the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-democrats-actually-stop-the-nomination-of-brett-kavanaugh/820733/2465): > > Of course those details are corroborated, but that doesn’t corroborate the allegation. Unless you are saying that any woman who went to high school in a two county area from me has corroborating if she would make a similar allegation against me. I mean, hell, if a guy is murdered in your hometown is that corroboration that you killed him? Here’s another bit of genius from the same thread… > [@Can Democrats actually stop the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-democrats-actually-stop-the-nomination-of-brett-kavanaugh/820733/2445): > > Regarding covering the mouth when screaming: Several years ago I was sitting in the living room and my then wife was in the yard and started screaming. I ran outside and found that she had discovered a dead iguana in the bushes. She was still screaming. > > I covered her mouth with my hand as I did not want the entire neighborhood and the police over at the house. > > Perhaps this was a similar situation. There was a misunderstanding and Kav was saying “Okay, Christ, we won’t have sex. No need to alert the world!” Brett Kavanaugh is lucky to have you on his side. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/2 "2018-09-22T16:12:22Z")
I wonder if he tackled his wife down to the ground, held her down with the bulk of his body, and had his buddy crank up the stereo all in the name of keeping the neighborhood calm. Cuz I’m thinking if there had just been a hand clapped over Ford’s mouth, we wouldn’t be talking about any of this. ---
**Author:** ![xenophon41](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xenophon41/32/253_2.png) [@xenophon41](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xenophon41)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/3 "2018-09-22T16:15:06Z")
That’s a great hypothetical defense: ‘It may not have been sexual assault; it may have just been a rejected sexual proposition followed by run of the mill _simple_ assault. The clothes being removed? Standard sexual banter, nothing to worry about.’ I’m not sure that’s a ‘dumb’ argument. It’s just spectacularly sociopathic and/or deliberately ignorant of social mores and legalities. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/4 "2018-09-22T16:16:26Z")
Yeah, I was already aware that **UltraVires** is a bit of a dickhead, but your second quote is one of the most bizarre, jaw-droppingly idiotic “arguments” I’ve seen since **Starving Artist’s** legendary “paper towel tube” defense of Jerry Sandusky. Bravo. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/5 "2018-09-22T16:18:55Z")
It may have been improper persuasion! If i were on a jury and a lawyer tried to argue that the defendant held her down, tried to strip her clothes off, while covering her mouth to stifle her screams, all in a clumsy, improper attempt to persuade her- I would ask the judge if we could convict the lawyer of anything, too. ---
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/6 "2018-09-22T16:19:29Z")
If someone is screaming you can try to silence them with a paper towel tube, but it tends to just focus the sound and make it smaller and more cartoony sounding. ---
**Author:** ![Lance\_Turbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lance_turbo/32/6156_2.png) [@Lance\_Turbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lance_Turbo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/7 "2018-09-22T16:23:38Z")
> [@El\_Kabong](#): > > Yeah, I was already aware that **UltraVires** is a bit of a dickhead, but your second quote is one of the most bizarre, jaw-droppingly idiotic “arguments” I’ve seen since **Starving Artist’s** legendary “paper towel tube” defense of Jerry Sandusky. Bravo. Right? And he’s a for real in real life lawyer. I can’t even imagine the whooping and high fiving that occurs in law firms in his area when his name pops up as opposing counsel. ---
**Author:** ![Lance\_Turbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lance_turbo/32/6156_2.png) [@Lance\_Turbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lance_Turbo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/8 "2018-09-22T16:30:51Z")
Found it! Here’s an argument\* he presented in a thread about Confederate monuments. > [@What should be done about Gettysburg?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-be-done-about-gettysburg/793853/27): > > On the anniversary of Pickett’s Charge, the Union spectators sit atop Cemetery Hill and the Confederate “spectators” emerge from the woods on Seminary Ridge and walk the nearly one mile to the Union “lines.” > > Just as it appears that the Confederates will charge, they face each other at the wall, the commanding officers shake hands, and a pithy little speech about unity is given and everyone goes about their business. > > Question: Should the shaking of hands be done away with? We wouldn’t shake hands with Nazis, right? Shouldn’t the Union commander yell at the Confederate commander and insult him and tell him he has no place in modern society? \*I’m not sure argument is the proper word to describe whatever the fuck this is. ---
**Author:** ![3trew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/13edae/32.png) [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/9 "2018-09-22T16:35:07Z")
I think we need to get ahead of this before the paper towel tube thing gains traction as a defence. I suggest we tie it to their sense of toxic masculinity, and wrap it up in a nice pithy phrase so they can remember it. How about “If the tube’s gonna fit, I’d ask, dude, that’s it?” ---
**Author:** ![RitterSport](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rittersport/32/6326_2.png) [@RitterSport](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RitterSport)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/10 "2018-09-22T16:42:09Z")
> [@Lance\_Turbo](#): > > Right? And he’s a for real in real life lawyer. > > I can’t even imagine the whooping and high fiving that occurs in law firms in his area when his name pops up as opposing counsel. To me, this is the most bizarre part. Yes, he’s a sexist, homophobic asshole, I get it. But his argumentation and debate skills are just awful, especially for a lawyer. There are lawyers here who I really don’t like, and maybe they steer the conversation into areas that they can defend, but they defend those obscure side arguments well. This idiot doesn’t even do that – he’ll steer the conversation into some weird area and then not even defend that well! What a hateful idiot. ---
**Author:** ![Lance\_Turbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lance_turbo/32/6156_2.png) [@Lance\_Turbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lance_Turbo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/11 "2018-09-22T16:53:07Z")
On Santorum… > [@When you google "Santorum"](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/when-you-google-santorum/609596/12): > > I honestly didn’t know the source of the “other meaning” and that’s why I asked about it in GQ. I had seen the posts snickering about it, and just assumed that it had some sort of double entendre in the Greek language, or was mistranslated, or something (similar to an English surname like Glasscock). I had no idea that it was a political enemy just making something up and that’s why I agree with the OP in that it has no legitimacy at all. > > Let’s take Biden. Imagine Rush Limbaugh decides on his radio show that a “biden” is something obscene, has it google bombed, and every time someone here posts about the VP, conservatives follow up with snicker posts about it. > > My point is that the insult, taunt, or whatever, is illegitimate. You can’t make up the insult and then use it. I hereby declare that the name Der Tris means “Christian Missionary” and in every thread that he rails against religion, I am going to follow each of his posts with, “That’s pretty ridiculous coming from a der tris! Yuk, yuk!” ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/12 "2018-09-22T17:03:02Z")
Oh, and he seems to be unaware that Kavanaugh categorically denies ever having been present at time of the incident. “Your honor, my client wasn’t even there, but if he had been, his covering her mouth would have been just to keep her from disturbing the other partygoers!” ---
**Author:** ![Lance\_Turbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lance_turbo/32/6156_2.png) [@Lance\_Turbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lance_Turbo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/13 "2018-09-22T17:10:32Z")
> [@El\_Kabong](#): > > Oh, and he seems to be unaware that Kavanaugh categorically denies ever having been present at time of the incident. > > “Your honor, my client wasn’t even there, but if he was, his covering her mouth was just to keep her from disturbing the other partygoers!” I can see why you would think that, but unfortunately he is really a for real law talking dude. However, I’m not going to go into detail on this so feel free to ignore me. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/14 "2018-09-22T17:14:43Z")
Sorry, as you can see from my edited post, thought better of it anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/budget_player_cadet/32/205_2.png) [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Budget_Player_Cadet)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/15 "2018-09-22T17:26:02Z")
Honestly if anyone had a good opinion of any republican on the board, that thread is a pretty good antidote. ---
**Author:** ![Lance\_Turbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lance_turbo/32/6156_2.png) [@Lance\_Turbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lance_Turbo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/16 "2018-09-22T17:48:52Z")
Here he apparently deliberately misunderstands his opponents’ positions in the name of intellectual dishonesty. > [@The law DOES require them to separate children from their families](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-law-does-require-them-to-separate-children-from-their-families/816339/46): > > Can we just be intellectually honest and say that your side does not support enforcing immigration laws? > > If I drive drunk, it is technically true that the authorities do not have to prosecute me. It is also technically true that they do not have to take me to jail if they do prosecute me. But I think that we would agree that the local authorities would not be doing their jobs if they refused to prosecute wholesale violations of the law. > > It is the President’s job to enforce the laws. It says so right in the Constitution. Why shouldn’t he enforce this law? Because you don’t like the law? Because it separates children from their families? Well, that is very sad, but it is no different than a parent violating any other law. If I am in county jail, the kids aren’t there with me. ---
**Author:** ![Lance\_Turbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lance_turbo/32/6156_2.png) [@Lance\_Turbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lance_Turbo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/17 "2018-09-22T17:52:45Z")
> [@Is my understanding of what Papa John's CEO said accurate?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-understanding-of-what-papa-johns-ceo-said-accurate/818039/4): > > Perhaps I’m being dense. He did not use the slur. He described another person using the slur to illustrate that the other person engaged in far worse conduct, but did not take heat from the media. > > IOW, he seemingly acknowledged that Sanders’ use of the slur was awful, yet Sanders still did not take the heat that he had. Perhaps. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/18 "2018-09-22T17:55:09Z")
> [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](#): > > Honestly if anyone had a good opinion of any republican on the board, that thread is a pretty good antidote. At one time I did, but they call themselves “independents” now. ---
**Author:** ![RitterSport](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rittersport/32/6326_2.png) [@RitterSport](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RitterSport)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/19 "2018-09-22T18:03:36Z")
I read through that Santorum thread and I just realized **UltraHateful** used to be **jtgain**. I remember not having a great impression of **jtgain** but nothing nearly as negative as I have for **UltraStupid**. ---
**Author:** ![Lance\_Turbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lance_turbo/32/6156_2.png) [@Lance\_Turbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lance_Turbo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2018, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734/20 "2018-09-22T19:19:38Z")
Let’s not forget his brief foray into Brett Kavanaugh slashfic… > [@Can Democrats actually stop the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-democrats-actually-stop-the-nomination-of-brett-kavanaugh/820733/1181): > > What makes the allegation credible? Simply because it was physically possible? What in your mind would be an “incredible” allegation? > > What if I said (and mods, I am not really making this allegation) that I met Kavanaugh at a legal conference some years ago, maybe in 2003, let’s say, and that he invited me back to his room and attempted to force homosexual intercourse on me? Let’s say I said that tomorrow. Should the committee investigate? Should the vote be delayed? Do I get to be on national TV? I say, go for it. Let’s see what happens. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pitting-ultravires/821734.md?page=2)