# Placement test (essay) gems, Volume 3 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 18, 2005, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117 "2005-12-18T01:57:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117/1 "2005-12-18T01:57:31Z")
Some of you may remember volumes 1 and 2…These are “gems” that my fellow assessment test readers and I have chosen from among hundreds of essays written by prospective community college students. They take this 45-minute writing test so that we can place them into the appropriate English or ESL classes. Some of the gems are odd, some funny, some twisted, some grammatically bizarre, and some unclassifiable. It’s a bit short this time, but you may find a few jewels. Enjoy: * * * ## I’m glad that I can have a admiration worth admiring. ## My grandfather cleans his eyeglasses with diet Coke, stirs his coffee with writing pens, and wears my grandmother’s pajamas to bed. ## Lance Armstrong is a man like me, he puts his pants on just like I do every day. ## I am a teenager. I am the bane of society. ## What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions? Money. ## Who knows whether or not I will get hit by a bus after I finish this test. ## World polotics today can be sumed up in two words: painfuly diverse. ## I couldn’t believe how happy I was to be with someone who, despite her bisexuality, problems with drinking and smoking, and slight addiction to crystal meth, made me feel different in my heart. I waited for a while, thinking that it wouldn’t work out, but then I dismissed the idea. ## Maybe we can name each nation by a different food because it can possibly stop war. Would President Bush want to announce that his country of cheeseburger would like to go to war with shishkabob? No! Why? Because it’s too funny to say. ## My uncle Peter enjoys acting and enjoying himself with children. ## She was such a quick learner that it did not take her very long to learn. ## We would be doing a play called The Hunchback of Norter Damn. ## I am ADD-positive. ## I work a part time job to afford myself. ## If you never achieve greatness, it is not noticed when you accomplish nothing. ## John F. Kennedy was shot by John Wilx Booth. ## When my best friend left me, I became autistic. ## Starbucks is a nice place not only to consume coffee but also friends. Cleopatra was one of our national heroes. ---
**Author:** ![FlyingRamenMonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@FlyingRamenMonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingRamenMonster)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117/2 "2005-12-18T05:38:17Z")
Lollerskates. I WOULD LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR NEWLETTER PLEASE. ---
**Author:** ![Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Buckler\_of\_Swashing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buckler_of_Swashing)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117/3 "2005-12-18T06:12:32Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > Maybe we can name each nation by a different food because it can possibly stop war. Would President Bush want to announce that his country of cheeseburger would like to go to war with shishkabob? No! Why? Because it’s too funny to say. 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 Please inform this student that will be cleaning my desk off and buying me a new keyboard. Soon. My office is in the city of Foreign Takeaway in the noble country of Vegemite Sandwich. My sides hurt. ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bb73d2/32.png) [@Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Side_of_the_Floyd)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117/4 "2005-12-18T07:32:25Z")
> [@FlyingRamenMonster](#): > > Lollerskates. I WOULD LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR NEWLETTER PLEASE. Lolocaust. I thought some of these were pretty insightful, and others just hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![Electronic\_Chaos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Electronic\_Chaos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electronic_Chaos)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117/5 "2005-12-18T07:38:24Z")
For those too lazy to search: [Volume I](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=293330) and [Volume II](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=318576) ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117/6 "2005-12-18T08:56:34Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > I couldn’t believe how happy I was to be with someone who, despite her bisexuality, problems with drinking and smoking, and slight addiction to crystal meth, made me feel different in my heart. I waited for a while, thinking that it wouldn’t work out, but then I dismissed the idea. I love this guy’s “can-do” attitude: it would halve the number of Should I Dump Him/Her? and Why Can’t I Get Laid? threads around here. The answer is blindingly obvious, but it took this _savant_ to illuminate it for us: lower your standards. ---
**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2005, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117/7 "2005-12-18T21:18:38Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > If you never achieve greatness, it is not noticed when you accomplish nothing. Y’know, with the right picture this could be one of those de-motivational posters 😃 ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2005, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117/8 "2005-12-19T02:42:55Z")
It does have a certain profundity, doesn’t it? I really liked the crystal meth girlfriend too. Slight addiction…Hm. Is there such a thing? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117/9 "2005-12-20T03:54:15Z")
Just a bump in case someone else needs a bit of amusement. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2005, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/placement-test-essay-gems-volume-3/336117/10 "2005-12-20T05:49:00Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > * * * > > * * * > > What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions? Money. The answer to the hundredth is D: None of the above. > [@vivalostwages](#): > > * * * > > Maybe we can name each nation by a different food because it can possibly stop war. Would President Bush want to announce that his country of cheeseburger would like to go to war with shishkabob? No! Why? Because it’s too funny to say. But … Sesame Noodle has _always_ been at war with the Captain’s Platter… > [@vivalostwages](#): > > * * * > > ## I am ADD-positive. > > I work a part time job to afford myself. Actually, I like both of these a _lot_. It would be hard to convey more with fewer words.