# Plan Your Perfect Funeral **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 10, 2006, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243 "2006-06-10T22:42:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2006, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/21 "2006-06-11T18:49:33Z")
[QUOTE=Lissa] Am I the only one who doesn’t want a funeral? After I die, I want whatever salvageable parts donated to whomever needs them (including medical research) then the rest cremated. No funeral, no memorial service. Dump my ashes somewhere in the woods where they’ll fertilize a tree. I’ve stated I don’t want a headstone, but if people insist, just a rock (ordinary found-in-a-field rock) with “Lissa” carved into it. [/QUOTE] Ideally, you should have a permanent yet frangible, perhaps copper-gilt limestone or something vulnerable to acid rain, large marker with a hundred score partly intelligible yet important and interesting words on it, written in a hard-to-decipher but elegant and beautiful script. And there should be instruments nearby (on chains to protect casual theft). For cleansing and restoration. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2006, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/22 "2006-06-11T19:11:37Z")
Take what can be used from the remains. Take the remainer, grind finely, and add to the compost pile. Don’t let the funery industry get a red cent more than they are required by law to get. Then take all the money saved there, and have a nice proper bash with my family and friends. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2006, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/23 "2006-06-11T20:15:04Z")
Dad did it right, IMHO. My Dad’s in the closet. 🙂 He died, having left specific instructions regarding organ harvesting. He was older than 70, so only the kidneys and liver were harvestable ( PA state law. Apparently that varies state to state). He wanted to be cremated. He was. He’s in the closet now. Mom will sprinkle him in the ocean this summer. He loved the ocean, and stood in almost all of them worldwide during his lifetime. I like the idea of a cheap disposal, and a big party produced with the funds saved. Or, donate the big bucks you woulda spent to a charity. Or invest it in a new car and name it after the deceased. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Guy\_Behind\_The\_Curtain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/50afbb/32.png) [@The\_Guy\_Behind\_The\_Curtain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Guy_Behind_The_Curtain)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/24 "2006-06-12T03:47:25Z")
OK… a little late, but here goes: 50% of ashes sprinkled throughout my veggie garden The other 50% sprinkled into the injection mold of a Frisbee machine to make as many NON-biodegradable Frisbees as possible so I can bequeath my favorite toy to all my children’s children’s children’s children, etc. “Here…shut the fuck up, go outside, and take your damn great-great-grandpa with you.” ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/25 "2006-06-12T03:59:02Z")
I would like to be buried in the ground naked without a box or a drop of chemicals, no watch, jewely, dentures or glasses. Nothing. Come by in a year or 2 and plant a tree over me. Oh, and as for music, Sympathy for the Devil ---
**Author:** ![BJMoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@BJMoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BJMoose)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/26 "2006-06-12T19:17:09Z")
[QUOTE=gabriela] God dammit! Go get me a rag to clean my keyboard. [/QUOTE] Sorry about that. I really should learn to warn people before tossing out that line (it’ll probably prove to be my best line ever [which means mebbe it _should_ be my epitaph!]). **outlierrn** : Good luck finding a place to be buried. These modern grave factories shudder at the thought of somebody planting so much as a crocus, much less a whole tree. I’ll take an old cemetery with character any day. ---
**Author:** ![Mayo\_Speaks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mayo\_Speaks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mayo_Speaks)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/27 "2006-06-13T07:45:51Z")
[Bob Knight] When my time on Earth is gone, And my activities here are past, I want they should bury me upside-down, and my critics can kiss my ass [/Bob Knight] That’d be fun. And a great epitaph to boot! ---
**Author:** ![ThisSpaceForRent](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thisspaceforrent/32/345_2.png) [@ThisSpaceForRent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisSpaceForRent)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/28 "2006-06-13T10:00:45Z")
For me this about wraps it up… _Please don’t bury me Down in that cold cold ground No, I’d druther have “em” cut me up And pass me all around Throw my brain in a hurricane And the blind can have my eyes And the deaf can take both of my ears If they don’t mind the size Give my stomach to Milwaukee If they run out of beer Put my socks in a cedar box Just get “em” out of here Venus de Milo can have my arms Look out! I’ve got your nose Sell my heart to the junkman And give my love to Rose_ from John Prine… Full lyrics [Please Dont Burry Me](http://www.lyricsdownload.com/john-prine-please-dont-burry-me-lyrics.html) tsfr ---
**Author:** ![Corrvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbce88/32.png) [@Corrvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corrvin)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/29 "2006-06-13T10:23:58Z")
I want my services in the afternoon, because I won’t be getting up early for the funeral and by God neither should anybody else. Take what y’all can use from the body, cause I won’t need it anymore. If any of my family is still alive-- which they shouldn’t be, my final responsibility is to outlive my ancestors-- they’ll probably want to bury me. Well, bury me in my steel-toed boots, in Levi’s, and one of my t-shirts-- and a pack of smokes and lighter in the pocket, because I’ve quit for the rest of my life, and I never said anything about after that. Oh, and somethin’ to read. And my glasses! Don’t forget to bury me in those! I would not mind a minister to say something at my services, but I also want a designated heckler in the crowd in case the minister gets onto that hellfire topic. If my family’s all gone, then I’d like to be cremated, and I’d like my ashes sent somewhere I’ve never been. Preferably–Mars. (We’re a bunch of space nuts, aren’t we?) ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/30 "2006-06-13T16:45:50Z")
I’ll be the voice of convention as the other end of the spectrum from the OP. 😉 Traditional Catholic Mass, burial in consecrated ground. My parents have the list of readings and hymns to sing (“Sing With All the Saints in Glory” is essential as is the Luke “you will be with me today in paradise”). The only twist would be that after the official service is over, I want them to blast “Blow Gabriel Blow” from the De-Lovely movie soundtrack over the sound system. I was low, Gabriel, low,Mighty low, Gabriel, low. But now since that I have seen the light I’m good by day and I’m good by night So blow, Gabriel, blow. snip And now I’m all ready to fly, Yes, to fly higher and higher! 'Cause I’ve gone through brimstone And I’ve been through the fire, And I purged my soul And my heart too, So climb up the mountaintop And start to blow, Gabriel, blow snip I want to join your happy band And play all day in the Promised Land. So blow, Gabriel! ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/31 "2006-06-13T16:52:27Z")
First call the organ donations people, in case there’s anything they can use. What’s left gets put in a stretcher, wrapped up in a blanket with something heavy and tossed into the sea. I like fishies, don’t mind being eaten by them. ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/32 "2006-06-13T17:08:48Z")
I am an organ donor of course. I have also donated my body to medical research. (I read the book ‘Stiff,’ and as graphic as it was, it shows the need for good-looking bodies like mine.) I have told everyone I do not desire any sort of Masonic service, for no good reason I just would rather not. I have left $100 payable in beer to my military burial detail. Someday some sergeant major is going to say ‘Hell, when I was a kid we buried this one guy who provided us beer. My kind of officer.’ I have also written my own Obit (I love obits, so few are well-written though), and a farewell to the Dope. Some small attempts at immortality. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/33 "2006-06-13T17:48:33Z")
They’d just leave me where I died as people would be too busy fleeing the earth in advance of the sun becoming a red giant. Plus people would be tired of me telling them about how the continents used to look like “back in my day”. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Terminus\_Est](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terminus_est/32/3087_2.png) [@Terminus\_Est](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terminus_Est)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243/34 "2006-06-13T18:40:47Z")
I don’t know about the other details, but the one thing that must occur is my corpse sitting up and yelling “Gotcha ya!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/plan-your-perfect-funeral/360243.md?page=1)