# Play Miss Manners for me. I have a relative who... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 12, 2003, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976 "2003-07-12T15:39:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/21 "2003-07-13T05:13:24Z")
“Can I have \_\_\_\_?” “Oh, it’s not mine, it’s \_\_\_'s, and s/he’s away on vacation.” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/22 "2003-07-13T05:41:43Z")
I just have to say how incredibly rude this sounds to me. Asking you for your stuff? Repeatedly? This is just so far from okay behaviour. I don’t care what kind of life she’s had; you just don’t ask other people for their stuff. My response? Just say no, and if she asks again, say “No, you can’t have it, and please quit asking.” You certainly don’t need to give her reasons for your not giving her your stuff. In fact, _she_ should be giving _you_ reasons why she could possibly think that she has any right to ask for anything of yours. Sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/23 "2003-07-13T11:59:34Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Heloise_ > And she’s extremely sensitive, so hurting her feelings by being brutally blunt isn’t an option. You know, it seems to me that her “sensitivity” is just an extension of her manipulation. People who are truly sensitive are sensitive to other people’s feelings, not just their own. If she were truly sensitive, she would realize how rude it is to ask for things; as it is, it seems like she hides behind it: “You can’t tell me know; you know it will hurt my feelings. . .” ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/24 "2003-07-13T12:58:05Z")
What an interesting perspective, **norinew**. It could be that she is sensitive, in that she knows what her manipulating will get from someone else. I wonder if she does this to everyone, or only the ones that she knows will capitulate. ---
**Author:** ![Heloise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e36b37/32.png) [@Heloise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heloise)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/25 "2003-07-13T14:40:30Z")
**Ivylass** , she does this to pretty much everyone. I forgot to mention, the one thing about just saying no and leaving it at that? It doesn’t work. I should have stated, this is something she’ll pursue, with a sob story. “Oh, but, why? You have so many nice things, and it’s not like you really need it, you have this, too. But if you give me this, I have the perfect thing to go with it and it would make me so happy.” I’m serious. One thing about what someone stated, though, is that if I come up with a good enough story about each item, then I get to keep that item. It’s just that I’m tired of feeling the necessity. I want to be able to keep my stuff without remorse and without feeling the need to explain continued desired ownership! ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/26 "2003-07-13T14:55:33Z")
I think that the only proper thing to do is sit her down and tell her that it’s inappropriate to ask for other people’s things and that it’s affecting your otherwise good relationship, and if that’s a problem for her, suggest counseling. I know, it’s easier said than done, but you won’t have to go on a message board asking for help with it anymore. _You’ve got to be cruel to be kind, in the right measure…_ ---
**Author:** ![fruitbat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/58f4c7/32.png) [@fruitbat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fruitbat)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/27 "2003-07-13T14:56:20Z")
I am fascinated by this thread. I never thought walking into someone’s house and asking for their stuff was within the realm of human behavior. You could start to barter. If she asks for your lamp, you can say “Sure I’ll trade you for your shirt”. Just keep doing that and it should become abundantly clear to here that nudity threatens. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/28 "2003-07-13T15:20:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Heloise \* > I forgot to mention, the one thing about just saying no and leaving it at that? It doesn’t work. I should have stated, this is something she’ll pursue, with a sob story. “Oh, but, why? You have so many nice things, and it’s not like you really need it, you have this, too. But if you give me this, I have the perfect thing to go with it and it would make me so happy.” Don’t be remorseful about keeping your items. She’s a beggar without any shame. She’s being completely manipulative. Just say no repeatedly. Think of her as being like a kid in a candy store who wants to wear down a parent. Don’t give in - anything you give her, even something you want to get rid of, is reinforcement. Don’t give any reason for it, either, just do the “Oh really, I simply couldn’t…” routine. When she follows up with the “you don’t need it” bit, merely state that you do need the item in question - as if she just couldn’t understand why so you’re stating it as a fact. If you have to, you might resort to turning the guilt trip around - perhaps when she says how have so many nice things, that you feel bad about having her over if the sight of your nice possessions makes her feel so awful in comparison. Pull out the quiet, regretful voice and embarrassed look for this. Look more and more distressed each time she asks you - then work on hurrying her out the door to go somewhere else. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/29 "2003-07-13T18:57:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Heloise \* > \*\ ***Ivylass** , she does this to pretty much everyone. > > I forgot to mention, the one thing about just saying no and leaving it at that? It doesn’t work. I should have stated, this is something she’ll pursue, with a sob story. “Oh, but, why? You have so many nice things, and it’s not like you really need it, you have this, too. But if you give me this, I have the perfect thing to go with it and it would make me so happy.” > > I’m serious. One thing about what someone stated, though, is that if I come up with a good enough story about each item, then I get to keep that item. It’s just that I’m tired of feeling the necessity. I want to be able to keep my stuff without remorse and without feeling the need to explain continued desired ownership! \*\* If that’s what she does, then she is NOT sensitive, she’s a manipulative, selfish individual. I would simply respond, “But if I gave it to you, it would make ME so UNHAPPY, and that’s not right, either. It belongs to me, I like it, and I’m keeping it. You have plenty of other things you’ve mooched from other people.” I think with this kind of thing, you need to be very blunt and just say, “No, you can NOT have it. No, I don’t care if it would make you, ‘happy’. Why should I, when you don’t care about making other people feel bad for not wanting to give away their things?” What kinds of things does she beg for? She’s counting on you not wanting to hurt her “feelings.” Apparently, she doesn’t seem to care that she bothers others in the process. Don’t put up with it. ---
**Author:** ![Heloise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e36b37/32.png) [@Heloise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heloise)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/30 "2003-07-13T20:15:02Z")
> [@](#): > > What kinds of things does she beg for? Clothes, household stuff, my cool toys. Basically, if it’s cool and she doesn’t have one… ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Tiger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Mama\_Tiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Tiger)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/31 "2003-07-13T20:38:31Z")
Just keep saying, “No, I’m sorry. My answer is no and will not change. I’m not going to give you any of my things. Please stop asking for them.” Just because she’s installed good guilt buttons in you doesn’t mean you have to let her push them. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/32 "2003-07-13T20:39:02Z")
Go get a lot of those little gummed stickers and spend an afternoon ‘pricing’ everything in your house. Of course, the prices must be extremely steep, after all, yours is some truly wonderful and carefully selected treasure. And steep enough to be out of her price range. When she starts, tell her that just to accomodate her you have thoughtfully pre priced everything for her shopping convenience. Big smile the whole time of course. But if it were me ( too direct by nature ), the first time she asked I would point out to her that this is my home not a shop. The items she sees have been carefully selected by or for me, if I no longer wished to keep them they would be at the curb. As they are not, they are items I will be keeping. Please do not ask me again. If she asked again, I would hand her a paper and pen and dictate the above paragraph for her to write down. If she asked again I would refer her to the paper. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/33 "2003-07-13T20:59:05Z")
Quite frankly, it sounds like this person NEEDS for have her poor widdle “sensitive feelings” hurt as a result of her rude behavior, since she can’t seem to take hints. The rest of us acquire nice things by working hard for the money to buy them, and then going out and doing just that, not by expecting others to hand over their own hard-earned possessions to us. Sheesh. The Miss Manners approach (of which I am ordinarily quite fond) is just too subtle for some people. Sometimes you need a brick. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2003, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/34 "2003-07-14T16:37:16Z")
“But why can’t I have it?” “Because it’s mine, I like it, and I want to keep it. Shall we go shopping so you can buy one for yourself?” I think you need to be blunt with her. I think a firm, “Did you come to see me or see what item you can mooch off me?” is needed here, perhaps accompanied with a nice raised eyebrow. Treat her as a child, since she’s acting like one. She may not be throwing herself on the floor and kicking and screaming, but she’s coming close. ---
**Author:** ![plain\_jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@plain\_jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plain_jane)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2003, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/35 "2003-07-15T04:46:19Z")
When she arrives and before she can start pawing at your stuff, start harrassing her into handing over everything she has brought with her for the visit! When she says, “but I have so little, and you could just go out and buy something like this!” whine about how it wouldn’t be exactly the same. . . and that particular set of earrings she is wearing would SO match your new suit. . . or that her suitcase is exactly what you’ve been trying to find in the stores but couldn’t. It’s just SO perfect for your travelling needs. And her shoes? Oh my! They would be SO perfect for your friend, whose birthday it is tomorrow and you forgot to buy something. Start offering her insulting amounts of money for her belongings (since you have so much, and she has so little. . . you thought she’d appreciate having a little extra money. “And when you start asking for my things, you’ll have spending money to buy them from me!”) --Okay, this isn’t a good idea, but it’d be worth watching as a spectator sport anyway! This woman is not sensitive. She is definitely manipulative. And you cannot give in ever again if you want this behaviour to stop. No matter how much it pains you, or makes for an uncomfortable situation. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2003, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/36 "2003-07-15T05:16:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Heloise \* > \*\*Clothes, household stuff, my cool toys. Basically, if it’s cool and she doesn’t have one… \*\* \ She come to visit and asks for your clothes?!? Wow. I must stop complaining about my relations. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2003, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/37 "2003-07-15T12:47:04Z")
I’m sorry, but I must disagree with the games of pricing the items in your house or begging her for her stuff. You do not want to play games with this woman. I think you need to take the high road, and say no. No and no and no until it sinks in. If she starts to whine, give her The Look. In other words, treat her like the child she is acting like. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2003, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/38 "2003-07-15T16:24:51Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by ivylass_ > I’m sorry, but I must disagree with the games of pricing the items in your house or begging her for her stuff. You do not want to play games with this woman. I agree. It is amusing to read these ideas and picture them on, say, a sitcom. But realistically, the best thing to do is to keep saying, “No, I can’t let you take my things”, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2003, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/39 "2003-07-15T17:21:48Z")
I can imagine how hard this situation must be, **Heloise**. A teeny little part of you starts saying \*You know, it’s true. I don’t really **NEED** this item… \* Be strong. It’s the only way she’ll leave without half your stuff. And when you say NO to every request she makes on this visit, the next visit will be CAKE. You can do it! ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/40 "2003-07-15T18:01:37Z")
These are some excellent suggestions for various ways to say “No, I own this item, and your begging won’t change that.” It’s one thing to share what you own with someone else. It’s quite another thing for them to beg / pester you for it. I side with the various ways of taking up the relative’s time with the long story about how you can’t bear to part with $TRINKET. I also love the idea of telling the relative, “I bought this at $STORE. Let’s go there, and you can buy one for yourself.” However, the crucial issue is what technique works for **Heloise**. You must determine what you are willing to do, that results in the relative not acquiring any of your possessions, even something you are willing to give away. Good luck, and please let us know which technique works for you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976.md?page=3)