# Play Miss Manners for me. I have a relative who... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 12, 2003, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976 "2003-07-12T15:39:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![blanx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f04885/32.png) [@blanx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blanx)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2003, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/41 "2003-07-15T18:10:38Z")
Or, you could say, “I’m sorry- all of this belongs to my Dutch boyfriend, **Coldfire** , and he’s very attached to it. Have you ever seen an enraged Dutchman? Not a pretty sight.” Then you hit her with the Taser. 😃 Seriously- I like the repeated no’s. You have to teach her, and the only way to do so is to be firm, and consistent. ---
**Author:** ![Isabelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b5a626/32.png) [@Isabelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isabelle)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2003, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/42 "2003-07-15T20:32:54Z")
If she asks for an item I might say “Oh you can get that at XYZ at a reasonable price” I would deflect whatever she asked for. ---
**Author:** ![Roberta\_Plant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c89c15/32.png) [@Roberta\_Plant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roberta_Plant)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/43 "2003-07-18T14:15:38Z")
I wouldn’t have this person in my house. Period. Just the ANTICIPATION of the incessant, MANIPULATIVE requests–ugh, it would give me ulcers before she even arrived. Who behaves like this?? There is NO JUSTIFICATION for it–you didn’t contribute to her hard life, did you? How long is she staying?? She could clean you out if she stays long enough. Meet her for lunch and wear a shroud. Once I heard someone say, ‘“sensitive people” are only sensitive to their own feelings.’ QED. ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/44 "2003-07-18T15:55:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by thatDDperson \* > **’I worked for 97 hours in the freezing rain to gather the money to purchase that three-pronged lavender-scented Whatzit. It is a symbol of endurance and the effort made in the heat and smog and typhoon-level winds to blah, blah, blah…** Oh, that was so funny. Here’s one that might work: if she asks for a pair of earrings, say “Oh, I couldn’t part with those, they actually belonged to Mary - I saw them at her house and just begged and begged her to give them to me…actually, I feel bad because I know it’s SO rude to ask for other people’s belongings…” Stop mid-sentence and giggle nervously as if you just realized your gaffe. You must let us know if any of these ideas work! ---
**Author:** ![lachesis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@lachesis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lachesis)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/45 "2003-07-18T16:24:21Z")
darn! someone beat me to the suggestion of hiding all the nicer things you don’t want to have to argue about. in words that i shared with hubby recently over a different dilemma, i told him “we get nice things so we can enjoy having them. we’re NOT getting them so other people can break them for us.” for you, substitute “take/from” for “break/for”. repeat this mantra to yourself whenever the whining starts. and, uhm, exactly _why_ is it you enjoy this person’s visits? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![hyperjes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df705f/32.png) [@hyperjes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hyperjes)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/46 "2003-07-18T17:13:11Z")
**Heloise** , I had a great-aunt like this as a child. She was always asking for our stuff, and gave almost exactly the same speech you’ve described when we told her “No.” Eventually, my mother got very tired of hearing her even ask. (We almost never gave her anything she asked for, but she kept it up all the same.) Thus, the following conversation was born: **Asky Aunt** : “Oh, I just love your whatchamacallit! I could really use one just like it…” **Mom** : “It _is_ nice, isn’t it? We like it too.” **A.A.** : “Since you have so many whatchamacallits, I wonder if you’d mind if I took this one?” **Mom** : “I think we’d like to keep it ourselves.” **A.A.** : “I _really_ like it…” **Mom** : “Thanks. So do we.” **A.A.** : “I don’t ask for much… I’d really like to have it…” **Mom** : “Actually, you ask for our things all the time. We tell you “no” because they are our things and we enjoy them. We’ve worked for all of our whatchamacallits and we want to keep them. We do not want to give them away.” **A.A.** : “Well, that’s not very Christian of you!” **Mom** : _rolls eyes_ “I don’t care. We’re not giving you anything.” **Asky Aunt** made like everything was just fine, then complained to some other relatives and family friends after her visit. They told her that it bothered them when she asked for things too. She got mad at everyone and stopped visiting for a while. Then she got lonely, and everything was okay again. She doesn’t ask for things anymore (Well, every once in a blue moon, but only needs to be reminded of above.) and the other family members thanked my mother for having the guts to say something. Just my own experience. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![gkkk4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ac91a4/32.png) [@gkkk4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gkkk4)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/47 "2003-07-18T18:09:37Z")
Heloise, I absolutely second this idea of AvhHines > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AvhHines \* > \*\*say no in a very long gushy fashion: “Oh, I wish I could and if only it were possible, but it’s really not, but I would so love to if only I could, and I’m so sorry but there it is.” Note the absence of any actual reason why; no substance there, just a fluffy way of saying no. \*\* Especially if you learn the line by heart and repeat it word for word every time she asks. Although it sounds like that will get VERY wearing over the course of 2 weeks. I have to ask - why do you even invite this person to your home anymore? much less for an extended visit? Wouldn’t you rather visit her at her house or in another relative’s home? Just curious! 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Janie\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/13edae/32.png) [@Janie\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Janie_Jones)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/48 "2003-07-18T18:58:00Z")
I wanna know how this turns out! Please remember to tell us, won’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Boldface\_Type](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5e925/32.png) [@Boldface\_Type](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boldface_Type)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/49 "2003-07-18T19:57:57Z")
Every time she asks for something, you might try screaming at the top of your voice, slapping your forehead and spinning on the spot. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/50 "2003-07-18T21:11:11Z")
Heloise, I liked Marianne’s advice. Arrange for her to stay at a hotel (booking only) and meet her for meals at a restaurant. Her access will be limited to just what you wear, so put away the Bulova & wear the TIMEX. If restaurants are pricey, meet her elsewhere, but Always in a public place. Never let her near your house again. I know this sounds cold and cruel, but banks don’t stay in business by letting crooks have free access to the vault. Besides, the next time you give in to one of her beg-a-thons, for all you know she might keep going until she strips you bare faster than a school of piranha can strip a careless cow. ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/51 "2003-07-18T21:24:47Z")
"Um… no, you may not have (whatever). Furthermore, I find it kind of shocking and more than a little irritating that every time you enter my house, you ask me to give you my personal possessions. " “I realize that perhaps you do not mean to be irritating, so I’m trying to be patient, but this is really getting to me. Do you not care that you’re coming across really badly? Or do you regard a certain amount of abrasiveness as the price of getting free stuff?” “Either way, I would really appreciate it if you would cease this behavior while in my home. I don’t mean to be rude, but I require a certain amount of class and decorum from the people around me to be comfortable… and I damn well mean to be comfortable in my own home. Thank you.” And then the next time she asks for something, kick her the hell out. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/52 "2003-07-18T21:42:52Z")
And now I know how to behave when I visit Wang-Ka…with class and decorum, waterbeds and cats notwithstanding. How’s Troll and Max, BTW? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Roberta\_Plant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c89c15/32.png) [@Roberta\_Plant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roberta_Plant)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/53 "2003-07-18T21:51:20Z")
Yes, and if she stays in a hotel, she can hoard all the shampoos and soaps and stuff…not as good as getting YOUR stuff, but still, a minor coup… I just noticed that this visit is for TWO WEEKS, too. There are very few people on this earth that I would even consider – in a very theoretical sense – allowing to visit for two weeks. I really am interested in the exact personality traits this person possesses that are so scintillating that they compensate for behavior that I would find absolutely intolerable… Does she cook incredible meals while visiting?? Does she perform gut-spliting stand-up comedy in the evening for you all? Maybe give unlimited free deep tissue massages the entire time she is there?? Sexual techniques that are beyond the pale?? I just CAN’T IMAGINE. I am thinking that MAYBE ALL OF THESE TALENTS, coupled with nothing short of the ability to turn water into VERY FINE, vintage champagne that never goes flat would compensate for that sort of behavior… and make you welcomed for two weeks. Really, I would love to know. Because whatever she does aside from this begging crap must be The Key to utter personal irresistability!!! ---
**Author:** ![Heloise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e36b37/32.png) [@Heloise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heloise)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2003, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/54 "2003-07-22T01:44:05Z")
Well, it’s been two days and it’s not that bad! She’s borrowed a couple of things, because her clothing isn’t that suitable for here, but she hasn’t asked for anything. I think I know why. She’s got a new daughter-in-law that not only likes to ask for stuff, but likes to steal stuff. She also had the audacity to take stuff and claim that she “gave” it to her. She doesn’t want to be confrontational about it with her son, who just makes excuses for his new wife, so she has to just deal with it for the mean time. So, now that the shoe is on the other foot, she knows what it feels like and hasn’t asked for a darn thing! I’m sorry that she’s had things stolen from her, but glad that she’s learned a bit about losing stuff you don’t want to lose. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Tiger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Mama\_Tiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Tiger)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2003, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976/55 "2003-07-22T01:58:52Z")
Well, yes, it’s a shame she has to have her stuff stolen, but it sounds like her son found himself a girl Just Like Mom. Definitely karma! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/play-miss-manners-for-me-i-have-a-relative-who/187976.md?page=2)