You did post a thread.
As usual, Science! gets around to proving what we all know.
Exploring the Impact of Personal and Partner Traits on Sexuality: Sexual Excitation, Sexual Inhibition, and Big Five Predict Sexual Function in Couples.
Velten J, Brailovskaia J, Margraf J
J Sex Res. 2018 Jul 20:1-13
Abstract
Sexual difficulties are common among women and men and are associated with various mental and physical health problems. Although psychological traits are known to impact sexual attitudes and behavior, sexuality- and personality-related traits have not been jointly investigated to assess their relevance for sexual functioning in couples. The aim of this study was to investigate how psychological traits of two partners influence women’s and men’s sexual function. Data from 964 couples, representative of the adult population in Germany, were analyzed. Sexual function was assessed with the Female Sexual Function Index (FSFI) and the International Index of Erectile Function (IIEF). Sexuality-related traits were measured with the Sexual Excitation/Sexual Inhibition Inventory for Women and Men (SESII-W/M). Personality was measured with self-report and partner-rating versions of the Big Five Inventory (BFI). Sexual excitation was a positive and sexual inhibition was a negative predictor of sexual function in both genders. Women whose partners were sexually inhibited reported lower sexual function. Conscientious individuals reported better sexual function. Women whose partners were more conscientious also had better sexual function. Assessing partner-related factors may be helpful to identify predisposing and maintaining factors of sexual dysfunctions, especially in women.
My adopted daughter has BPD and what it is is horrible. It’s incredibly self-destructive and other people destructive. I think the best way to describe it might be that your emotions are so strong that they torture you. It causes her to act out in extreme ways. For instance, if I were to go to the kitchen and get my wife a pop, but not her, she feels that as a child would feel if it were abandoned. It results in hyper-manipulative behavior and threats in order to get those emotions under control. She has slashed our tires, shredded my pillow with a knife and left it standing in the mattress where I sleep, she burned all of my notes and books from a grad class I was taking, she reported to CPS that we were sexually molesting her and our other children, she attempted suicide, she faked attempting suicide, other self-harming behavior sometimes real and sometimes fake, she has the typical breaking of windows, doors, walls. She has destroyed things of sentimental value in order to hurt us, she has physically assaulted us, she uses lies and manipulation to get what she wants. She switches emotional states in moments to get what she wants. She finds emotional vulnerabilities and exploits them, “You’re a bad father. You’re a hypocrite. You’re a liar. You’re worthless and everyone hates you.” Anything that she sees that alters your emotional state she’ll pounce on. She attempts to socially isolate you. She plays my wife and I off of each other. “Where is she tonight? She doesn’t really love you, you know. She told me last week that she can’t wait until she leaves you.” She flips the script so that she’s always the victim. “How are your kids going to feel when they see how you treat me? They’re going to grow up to be abusers just like you. You’re turning them into monsters.” Everything that you do somehow relates to her. “You won’t take me to the movies, but you’ll vacuum.” “You can’t find time to watch Netflix with me, but you’ll do the laundry.”
What’s really bad about it is what sets it off. It’s over the smallest things. The knife in my bed was because she wanted KFC and we had already cooked dinner so we didn’t get it. The kids are monsters line was because she wanted to go to the movies and we had to get up early the next morning. What’s crazy is how charming she can be to the people that aren’t the focus of her BPD. It’s constant compliments about how lovely of a girl she is and so kind and behind closed doors, a switch just flips.
The good news though is that at least in her case, she is gradually getting it under control. She made the Dean’s list last year and over the summer she was able to hold down a job. The arguments have not ceased, but many of the threats have. We probably fought five times all summer which is really miraculous (keep in mind though that when I say fights, it’s not five minutes of arguing and a slammed door. These typically go on until 5 am involve broken things, insults, threats “You’re going to wake up with your children dead and you’ll know that you brought me into this house and you were the ones that killed them.” (that one was because we only wanted to watch one episode of Orange is the New Black instead of 2 that evening.) ) I think she’s able to see those emotions as lies now and is better able to bring them under control. Things are far from perfect, but they’re better. For awhile, I didn’t really have any hope that she could lead a successful life and now I think that with a lot of work and therapy she can, so that’s a big improvement. Things are looking up anyway. I’m really proud of how far she has come and there’s still aways to go, but we’re getting there.
FWIW, which might be a tremendous amount, look into Dialectical Behavior Therapy(DBT). It’s also mentioned upthread.
The “dialectic” is about the all-or-nothing behavior, and the relationship, at a better level, in understanding your own emotion and rational minds.
My advice upstream still stands. Yeah, they are people too, but you will likely end up part of a long list of people/relationships that they have thrown away, because you didn’t take responsibility for some part of their victimhood. Not worth the effort, anguish, trouble in the long run.
Not a psychiatrist but have training in Behavioral theory and I fully understand that ancecdote is not data.
However, having spent a number of years observing my stepdaughter, whose most recent"diagnosis" is BPD, l have to agree that most of her issues are from never being held responsible for her behavior. In any one else I can think of, she would just be an irresponsible asshat. She has had years of therapy and at least seven counselors, medications and various other interventions, all with basically zero effect on the behavior.
And yes, I do feel better getting that complaint out. 