# Please, help me design the ultimate weapon, so that I may dominate you. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 11, 2003, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-design-the-ultimate-weapon-so-that-i-may-dominate-you/201082 "2003-09-11T23:59:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-design-the-ultimate-weapon-so-that-i-may-dominate-you/201082/21 "2003-09-13T03:57:04Z")
A board with a nail in it. Apply favorite poison for lethal effects. Build a much larger one in space to skewer entire planets. I would like the planet Betelgeuse and a ship with an Improbability Drive. Uh, please. ---
**Author:** ![Odinoneeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/97f17d/32.png) [@Odinoneeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odinoneeye)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-design-the-ultimate-weapon-so-that-i-may-dominate-you/201082/22 "2003-09-13T04:36:21Z")
Ok, I’ll give away the secret to dominate me. Surround me with gorgous women who will do my bidding. Do that and I’ll do anything you say. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-design-the-ultimate-weapon-so-that-i-may-dominate-you/201082/23 "2003-09-13T18:00:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rabid\_Squirrel \* > \*\*…You can’t go wrong with an orbiting laser cannon with a hand mounted controller. Death on a large scale, while carrying a certain level of individualised sophisticated styling. … \*\* I’m worried that this is too obvious. As whole urban areas burst into flame with no apparent cause, except for the bright beam coming from the sky, it will be too vulnerable. And I did look at that website, but it really seems to cater to established World Dictators looking to augment their tools of oppressions. Upstarts like me have different needs. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > \*\* So, I suggest, to help with the war effort and take over the world, Bomber planes airdrop the surplus of our gardens over the masses. Those that survive the zucchini drop, are lucky, those that don’t are squashed. > > To keep the survivors from rebelling, all the fleshy remains of the ZSBwill eventually go to seed and …after a short while, sunshine and some rain, little plants will sprout up taking over everything, disabling cities, possibly pizza delivery boys. Remember, people, when the supply lines are cut, the ranks break. \*\* A friend an I came up with a similar idea during the First Gulf War, except we planned to parachute drop tens of thousand of Buicks, with a note pinned to the steering wheel, “You can exit the country peacefully if you drive out in one of these. Free fill up at the border”. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Tuckerfan \*\*\* E-mail me, we’ll talk. I’ve got big plans that I’ve not posted here. I’ll even let you have the entire planet (the Moon and Mars, however are mine) if you’re willing to pitch in._\* My momma often told me that if an offer from a World Dictator _sounds_ too good to be true, it probably _is_ too good to be true. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by DougC_ > \*\*- - - I like the idea of a duct-tape gun: it looks like a regular taping gun, but when you pull the trigger, it goes “Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z” and spins around, “shooting” sticky duct tape onto whatever it is aimed at. The world may not end up dominated, but it’d be pretty darn annoyed. \*\* I’ve never considered using duct tape for evil (other than hostage gags, of course). There seems to be an inherent goodness about it. Given this will be my ONLY ultimate weapon for a while, it just seems a chancy choice. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \*\*\* Boyo Jim, watch Love Potion #9 the movie. Yeah, that one with Sandra Bullock in it. > > Find: love potion. > Replace with: death potion. \*\* So, I’m supposed to kill everyone on earth stupid enough to drink love potion, leaving only the smart people to oppose me? I don’t think so. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ranchoth \*\*\* Therefore, I’d suggest… > > B. A Ring of Power > > …Like a “Green Lantern” ring, or Sauron’s “One Ring.” Finding one might be a little tricky, but half the fun of having a Power Rings is aquiring it. But you might be able to save yourself some trouble by making the ring yourself. In which case mysticism would seem to be the best way of powering the Ring, rather than advanced technology. You’d just need special materials (like cursed Gold, or just about anything from a meteorite), and a special place/method of forging the ring (like smelting the metal at a volcano, quenching the metal in human blood, etc.). > > After that, you’re pretty much set for global domination. And you’ve got jewelry that no one’ll dare make fun of, to boot. > > So…was I of any help? \*\* Great idea! This is definitely on the short list. Please, email me the plans. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by a bird on the wire \* > \*\* Umm…ya know it wouldn’t take much to dominate me. Er, come to think of it I ain’t doing anything Saturday. \*\* Are you female and over 18? Because at this stage in my career in World Domination, charges of pedophilia or statutory rape could stop me in my tracks. Assuming it’s completely legal to dominate and abuse you, please, send me a pic. Are you near Madison? > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Bibliovore \*\*\* Judging by your criteria, it seems like mind control is the way to go. A little hand-held unit would control the orbital “Brain-bender Cannon”, and depending on the spread of the beam and the dispersal pattern, you could take over the minds of an entire nation, or just pinpoint a single head of state. The possibilities are truly yummy…_\* Secretly I’ve been thinking that something like this is the best answer. I even came up with the plan for its first use. Program the world population to believe that I am their sole creditor. Every single time anyone writes a check to pay a bill, they will write it out to me. Soon, I have all the money, and I can foreclose on the world. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Billdo \*\*\* Sorry, Boyo Jim, you’ll have to get in line. > > Our very own OpalCat has been operating her online World Domination Headquarters since 1995. You should check out the innumerable fascinating nooks and crannies there.\*\* Yeah, well, she’s been trying to dominate the world since 1995, and as far as I can tell, she only dominates a couple of websites. She can be my minister of communication. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by slortar \* > \*\* Gigantic fans to suck the atmosphere in outer space. You will then replace it with your own atmosphere consisting largely of laughing gas. \*\* WHO TOLD YOU THE PLAN?!! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Doctor Jackson \* > \*\* This is a good news, good news, good news, bad news, good news, bad news story: > > Good News - I’m a guy and therefore can be dominated > Good News - The weapon has already been invented > Good News - It’s portable (and potable!), wireless, and can be operated by one person, though 2 or more is generally considered ideal. > Bad News - If you ain’t female, you ain’t got one > Good News - Surgery can correct that deficiency > Bad News - Surgery performed by a professional is not cheap, but DIY is strongly discouraged \*\* For all of you suggesting some kind of sex-based weapon, I really can’t afford to ignore half the population. The heterosexual females NOT affected by a weapon like this could tear me apart. But it does make me wonder whether some kind of orgasm beam could be developed. If it worked on both sexes, it would be a great thing, even if I later went into another profession, like whore, maybe. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Algorithm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/algorithm/32/12204_2.png) [@Algorithm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algorithm)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-design-the-ultimate-weapon-so-that-i-may-dominate-you/201082/24 "2003-09-13T23:43:55Z")
I don’t see what’s wrong with a good, old-fashioned “death star.” ---
**Author:** ![Fornit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c89c15/32.png) [@Fornit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fornit)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-design-the-ultimate-weapon-so-that-i-may-dominate-you/201082/25 "2003-09-13T23:44:49Z")
What you’re looking for is the medium range FornitCo “Hang-Nail Beam” ™. Just the threat of causing massive hang-nail eruptions on whomever you chose, would force people to their knees begging to be spared. please contact your local FornitCo rep for pricing and availability. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2003, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-design-the-ultimate-weapon-so-that-i-may-dominate-you/201082/26 "2003-09-14T06:40:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Boyo Jim \* > **For all of you suggesting some kind of sex-based weapon, I really can’t afford to ignore half the population.** I think you’ve dismissed this too easily. Consider, for example, a refinement of my own suggestion: A large pair of breasts, plus _SHOE SALE_ written across them. You’ll bring the world to its knees. ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Dracul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/50afbb/32.png) [@Vlad\_Dracul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Dracul)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2003, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-design-the-ultimate-weapon-so-that-i-may-dominate-you/201082/27 "2003-09-14T17:28:07Z")
We had a discussion a short while back in which “efficient” vs. “stylish” methods of world domination were debated. Personally, I came down hard on the “stylish” side… since you will almost certainly be defeated by some hero-type, no matter what method you use, you might as well have fun with the quest. With this in mind, I have to argue against the various mind-control devices proposed. Mind-control is certainly effective, but it’s DULL: “Obey me!” “Uh, okay, dude.” You’ll recall the old Marvel comics story in which it was revealed that Doctor Doom had secretly conquered the world by filling the atmosphere with “neuro-mist”. Doom was so bored, as a result, that he had to give Magneto the antidote, just so somebody would give him some sort of challenge. Since you currently have no legions of terror, anyway, I suggest an army of genetically-engineered super-soldiers, raised from birth to be loyal to you, and with control chips in their brains. These super-powered warriors, as a group, will be the equal of any doomsday cannon, able to devastate cities and massacre millions. As individuals, they will be able to perform infiltration and espionage missions, or serve as your personal bodyguards. They will provide you with many weeks of thrilling battles, explosions, torturings… killing your enemies, driving them before you, and hearing the lamentations of their women! In keeping with Cervaise’s excellent “psy-ops” policy, these warriors should all be sexy, large-breasted women. But be careful… after creating an army of sexy women who are totally obedient to you, you might find your world conquest plans gathering dust in the file cabinet! 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-design-the-ultimate-weapon-so-that-i-may-dominate-you/201082.md?page=1)