# Please help me figure out what to do. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 12, 2004, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891 "2004-10-12T22:13:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/41 "2004-10-13T18:17:37Z")
> [@interestingtwist](#): > > This morning I talked to the woman at work and I have told her I want to stop all of the ‘outside of friendship’ feelings between us. She told me that she will stop flirting with me, and she now knows that I don’t want her in that way anymore. We are going to try to be friends, and I have offered to pay for some of the expense for her to go through Great Expectations (a service to find her a single man to be with). Once somone lets something like that out of the bottle, you can’t get it back in. She may stop flirting with you, but just being around her is going to make it very hard for her to stop the flirting, plus it may be very awkward for you to be around her too. I can see it where she might stop for awhile, but then start coming onto you again, causing even more problems later. I know you want things as they were before and you still value her friendship, but be aware that you might have to end the friendship with her because of what has happened here. > [@](#): > > The important thing is that I have also started to really believe in my own mind that I don’t want her outside of a friend. I have no doubt that things are going to be OK from this point out. > > My fiance still wants to marry me, we talked at length about it. And so the wedding is going to go forward. When I think about who I see with me in 40 years it’s my fiance, not this other woman. At this point I’m sure that we will be together ‘till death do us part’. If nothing else, this woman has shown me that there is still some things that I need to work on with my wife. We are both going to put that work into our relationship, so that this will be less likely to happen to us again. I’m glad you took the time to think about this. Taking the time to look deeply into yourself, you found what you still need to work on, but more importantly, you found out what is really valuable to you. I wish you the best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/71c47a/32.png) [@Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sat_on_Cookie)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/42 "2004-10-13T18:17:37Z")
> [@interestingtwist](#): > > This morning I talked to the woman at work and I have told her I want to stop all of the ‘outside of friendship’ feelings between us. She told me that she will stop flirting with me, and she now knows that I don’t want her in that way anymore. We are going to try to be friends, and I have offered to pay for some of the expense for her to go through Great Expectations (a service to find her a single man to be with). The important thing is that I have also started to really believe in my own mind that I don’t want her outside of a friend. I have no doubt that things are going to be OK from this point out. While I wish you good luck in your decision, I think you need to extricate yourself from the situation with her just a bit more than this. For instance, I’m not sure what the benefit is of pursuing a friendship with someone who doesn’t support your imminent marriage (to say the least), has apparently discussed her feelings about the mistakes you are making with co-workers, etc., and who, most importantly, represents a direct threat to the decision that you say you have made. Why are you (even partly) making yourself responsible for her future love life? I can’t lose the feeling that you’re not getting it. As someone else in the thread said, it’s not about your fiance vs. “friend,” it’s about your feelings for your fiance. Same goes for your “friend” – she professes undying love but in the event she can’t have you, she’ll settle for Great Expectations? Ya’ll are running around inserting person B into slot A when you really should be sipping a giant glass of introspection. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/43 "2004-10-13T18:32:53Z")
> [@Sat on Cookie](#): > > I can’t lose the feeling that you’re not getting it. As someone else in the thread said, it’s not about your fiance vs. “friend,” it’s about your feelings for your fiance. Same goes for your “friend” – she professes undying love but in the event she can’t have you, she’ll settle for Great Expectations? Ya’ll are running around inserting person B into slot A when you really should be sipping a giant glass of introspection. Agree, agree, agree. I think it’s fantastic, **interestingtwist** , that you so nicely decided to marry your wife. Very big of you. But to show you really understand - _drop the “friend”._ I’m not saying it because I dislike her, I’m saying it because I respect your wife, possibly more than you do, and I don’t even know the poor lady. Don’t _pay_ or offer to pay for anything that woman does! It’s not your responsibility. You made your choice, now focus on the woman you love - and get counselling. For heaven’s sake, get counselling. If you just think you’re being nice to this woman, you’re dragging her along. You’re showing to her and to your wife that you still love this woman in an unhealthy way. This woman has proved with every word that has fallen from her lips that she is _not_ your friend. You do not owe her anything. Cut her loose, and move on. Same disclaimer I used above applies here. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/44 "2004-10-13T18:57:40Z")
So you mean to tell me that money is and has been so tight that you couldn’t manage to get married until now, but you’re going to spend your hard-earned money sending this hose-beast who has tried to wreck your relationship to a dating service? WTF? After the bombs you’ve already dropped on your fiancee with regards to this woman, you expect her to sit quietly by while you not only continue your friendship with this…person, but spend money from your combined household on dating services for her? Buddy, if my husband tried something like that, I’d bitchslap him into the middle of the next millenium. Your fiancee is either a saint or a doormat, I can’t decide which. ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/45 "2004-10-13T22:27:17Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > Don’t _pay_ or offer to pay for anything that woman does! It’s not your responsibility. You made your choice, now focus on the woman you love - and get counselling. For heaven’s sake, get counselling. > > If you just think you’re being nice to this woman, you’re dragging her along. You’re showing to her and to your wife that you still love this woman in an unhealthy way. This woman has proved with every word that has fallen from her lips that she is _not_ your friend. You do not owe her anything. Cut her loose, and move on. Think long an hard on this, and also what **CrazyCatLady** posted above. ---
**Author:** ![interestingtwist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c5a1d2/32.png) [@interestingtwist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interestingtwist)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/46 "2004-10-13T22:40:20Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > So you mean to tell me that money is and has been so tight that you couldn’t manage to get married until now, … Your fiancee is either a saint or a doormat, I can’t decide which. Things have gotten better, MUCH better for us financially this past year. I’m talking about day and night here, we went from very poor to very rich overnight. I’m not going to spend thousands, I just offered to help pay for it, meaning I will pay so much and she would cover the rest. As for my fiancee, she is a saint. While I know she is hurt by all of this, she told me even last night, all she wants to do is spend the rest of her life with me, and love me with all of her heart. I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve a woman as good as her, I don’t feel like I’m worthy. She should have thrown me out when I told her how I felt. At the same time, she realizes that this happened as a result of the problems between us. I want to do everything I can to make our relationship stronger. Strong enough to where something like this isn’t a problem if it ever presents itself again. Know, I know that everyone on these boards, everyone in real life that I know have all told me the same thing about the woman at work. Drop her, get rid of her. I have a few problems with that. First, I work closely with her, very close, on a daily basis. The closeness that I have to work with her every single day contributed quite a bit to what has happened here. I’m in an amazing job that I love very much, with a lot of room for making a great future. The other thing is, despite what she’s done in this instance, she had never done anything before that to harm me. On the contrary, she has always been the one to do everything she could to help me, be there for me, before this situation. I know what she’s done is wrong, but I feel like I had a very good thing with her before all of this happened. I just want to find some way to make it so that we can be friends again. Isn’t that possible? ---
**Author:** ![interestingtwist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c5a1d2/32.png) [@interestingtwist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interestingtwist)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/47 "2004-10-13T22:43:06Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > If you just think you’re being nice to this woman, you’re dragging her along. You’re showing to her and to your wife that you still love this woman in an unhealthy way. I told the woman today that I’m not interested in her outside of being a friend, made it very clear, and made it clear I’m going to be married, and that I want to be with my wife for the rest of my life. Wouldn’t that be enough to make it clear to the friend that we’re not going to be together? And that we can work on being friends again? As for showing my wife that I still love the woman, I agree on that front. At the same time I can’t really just ‘drop’ her due to my situation at work (explained above). I’m not really sure what to do at this point. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/48 "2004-10-13T22:51:39Z")
Well done for acting decisively. It is my sincere hope that in ten years’ time, you and your wife will be able to crack jokes about ‘that silly nonsense just before our wedding’, or will have forgotten it entirely perhaps. I hope things smooth over with your friend at work. Watch your back. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/49 "2004-10-13T22:58:58Z")
> [@interestingtwist](#): > > I told the woman today that I’m not interested in her outside of being a friend, made it very clear, and made it clear I’m going to be married, and that I want to be with my wife for the rest of my life. Wouldn’t that be enough to make it clear to the friend that we’re not going to be together? And that we can work on being friends again? > > As for showing my wife that I still love the woman, I agree on that front. At the same time I can’t really just ‘drop’ her due to my situation at work (explained above). I’m not really sure what to do at this point. I agree with Mangetout’s suggestion to watch your back. Whoever, whatever this woman was before her big confessions means very little now. The situation has changed. I understand you have to work with her, and that’s one thing. The thing you said earlier that set me off was that you offered to PAY for however much (some, all, doesn’t matter one bit) for her to go to this Great Expectations thing. _Don’t_. Don’t pay or offer to pay a dime. That is NOT, no matter how much you want it to be, your business. It’s hers. First step to cutting her as loose as you can? Don’t pay for her business. Mind your own. You have to work with her, that’s a fact of life. That’s fine. But you do not have to pay anything to her, or owe her anything. Your wife sounds lovely, by the way. Be very proud of her. I’m sure you are, but let me tell you, one day, as you get further and further from this whole incident, you will be more proud of her than you can ever imagine. And she will be one of the strongest, bravest people you will be lucky to know. I’m sorry I’m coming down so hard on you, but you struck one of my deepest chords. I do wish you luck and happiness. Take good care of your wife, she’s sounds like she’s a real lady 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/71c47a/32.png) [@Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sat_on_Cookie)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/50 "2004-10-13T23:06:47Z")
> [@interestingtwist](#): > > The woman that I work with came out and told me that she was attracted to me, and wanted to spend ALL of her time with me, in a serious relationship. She told me that getting married to the woman I am with is a mistake, and that she’s not right for me. She told me that all of her friends feel the same way and so do the people I work with. She told me that she would make me so much happier and she can’t believe that I can settle for my ‘future’ wife because of the way she treats me. Later, she told me that she wants me to come live with her instead, and that she loves me so much she lies awake and aches for me to hold her at night. She wants me to cancel my wedding and be with her. She told me she would marry me tomorrow if she could.) I’m just taking a shot in the dark here, but I think the above might have something to do with why you are being strongly encouraged to cut off ALL contact with her. Again, kudos to you for having the “we’ll only be friends” conversation with her but it’s naive to think that her (and your, really) feelings will just revert back to friendship simply because you’ve had that talk. Also, you really need to think about whether or not her wonderful, hard-to-abandon friendship was based on being a true friend to you or based on her crush. Personally, I don’t care how good the job was…if I went through your experience and managed to get out by the skin of my teeth with my fiance still loving me (and, no, it wasn’t her fault that this happened to begin with), I’d find employment elsewhere and start fresh. Considering the fact that you’re defending paying for her singles club, I realize quitting is probably incomprehensible to you, but it’s not the worst suggestion in the world, really. ---
**Author:** ![MizQuirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@MizQuirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MizQuirk)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2004, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/51 "2004-10-13T23:23:39Z")
> [@Sat on Cookie](#): > > I’m just taking a shot in the dark here, but I think the above might have something to do with why you are being strongly encouraged to cut off ALL contact with her. > > Again, kudos to you for having the “we’ll only be friends” conversation with her but it’s naive to think that her (and your, really) feelings will just revert back to friendship simply because you’ve had that talk. Also, you really need to think about whether or not her wonderful, hard-to-abandon friendship was based on being a true friend to you or based on her crush. > > Personally, I don’t care how good the job was…if I went through your experience and managed to get out by the skin of my teeth with my fiance still loving me (and, no, it wasn’t her fault that this happened to begin with), I’d find employment elsewhere and start fresh. Considering the fact that you’re defending paying for her singles club, I realize quitting is probably incomprehensible to you, but it’s not the worst suggestion in the world, really. I’m sure the OP doesn’t want to hear this, but I agree totally with this, and I’m quite sure it’s the only way to handle it that will work. This is the voice of experience talking here. Although I was never unfaithful, I’m sure I would have been if I hadn’t extricated myself from the temptation. And I’m a ‘hard-hearted female.’ I’m quite sure most men would have a much harder time resisting than I did, given the difference in **drives** that men and women have. ---
**Author:** ![Ozchick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f6c823/32.png) [@Ozchick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ozchick)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2004, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/52 "2004-10-14T05:34:20Z")
Congratulations and all the best, **interestingtwist**. Just a few things to underline - it’s not your wife’s or your fault there’s not the fireworks there once was, that’s just simple biochemistry - your brain is only designed to feel fireworks in the first few months of a relationship. (see my previous link re serotionin transporters). I’m not saying don’t work on your sex life, just don’t blame your wife if she doesn’t make your stomach do cartwheels anymore. And also I agree with the above Dopers who think it’s morally wrong for you to use money that belongs to your combined household with your wife to spend on _Great Expectations_ for your co-worker. Not only would it upset me very much if I were in your wife’s shoes but it is sending a clear message to your co-worker that it is your fault she is single, that you owe her something for not being with her. You don’t. And if she’s as attractive as your OP implies I hardly think she needs a dating service to find a man. I’m sure you and she can be relaxed, platonic friends again eventually, but give it time - for now you really need to cool it as much as possible within the work environment you have. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2004, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/53 "2004-10-14T06:48:14Z")
I don’t know that using the wife’s money (and combined household finances are as much her money as his) to pay for the dating service is morally _wrong_, per se, just that it’s far, far, FAR above and beyond what you could reasonably expect of an SO under the circumstances. For me, it wouldn’t be a matter of it not being thousands of dollars, or whether or not we could afford it. The issue would be expecting to use _my_ money (and no matter whose money it nominally is, it’s all my money, just like it’s all his money) to benefit someone who had insulted me, accused me of treating my husband badly, disrespected my husband’s feelings for and commitment to me, and tried not once but repeatedly over a span of time to get him to dump me for her. If **Dr.J** suggested that one single penny of my money go to help out someone who treated me so shabbily, I’d shove his checkbook so far up his ass he could pick his teeth with the cover. And if he just did it without consulting me first, I’d yank the checkbook back out, slap him with it, and shove it back in. Entertaining the coworker’s advances was crossing the line. Dumping all this on the fiancee less than two weeks before the wedding? You left the line a couple counties back. Spending the fiancee’s money to help out the homewrecker? The line is somewhere in the other hemisphere. It takes a far better woman than I am to even attempt to forgive and forget something like this, especially in light of the continuing friendship. To be honest, **intereestingtwist** , if I were your fiancee, I would probably never be able to trust you entirely again, especially with that particular woman. You’ve already shown you’re at least capable of thinking seriously about it, and thinking seriously about doing something isn’t really all that far from doing it. So far, you’ve been incredibly, mind-bogglingly lucky, and your fiancee is indeed either a saint or a doormat. Don’t push your luck, though; even saints and doormats have their limits. ---
**Author:** ![interestingtwist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c5a1d2/32.png) [@interestingtwist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interestingtwist)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2004, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/54 "2004-10-14T16:04:35Z")
Wow. $4000 up front for 3 years of this service. The woman at work actually did go last night, and she signed up! She paid for all of it herself, in cash, and tells me she doesn’t want a dime from me to help her pay for it. My fiancee was even telling me to help her pay for half of it, I don’t know why. She just said she wanted to do it, maybe to get this woman focused on finding someone single instead of me. My fiancee also told me last night she knows there are problems between us, and those problems are partly to blame in what has happened. We are going to take some classes together at a local school dealing with interpersonal communication, and we have bought a bunch of self-help books dealing with passion in marriage, and expressing ourselves to each other emotionally. I feel as if I’m the luckiest man alive at this point to have come out of this situation the way I have. I have my family, and many of you here to thank for it! On one hand I have a good friend who is now going to satisfy her loneliness somewhere other than in my marriage, and on the other hand I have a loving fiancee who is going to work with me to strengthen our relationship with each other and make it more exciting for us both. ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2004, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/55 "2004-10-14T16:10:20Z")
I’ve been following this thread, but I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said. I wish you the best of luck and a long and happy marriage. DeadlyAccurate, who’s been happily married for almost 11 years. ---
**Author:** ![Eliphalet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eliphalet/32/9563_2.png) [@Eliphalet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eliphalet)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2004, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891/56 "2004-10-14T16:47:24Z")
> [@Ghanima](#): > > Don’t get married with things the way they are. It will only make things 1000 times worse. > > Also, what about the possibility that this a “grass is greener” kind of situation? No offense, but neither of these relationships sound terribly mature. Are you sure this isn’t a last-minute cold feet maybe-I’ll-get-out-of-it thing? > > DON’T get married. My good friend went through a wedding where his fiance was having very serious doubts and she flipped out while they were on the way to their honeymoon. They ended up coming home the next day and getting divorced within one month. The families were furious because the wedding was a complete farce. He even got jacked out of the ring! She was afraid to say anything before the wedding and just ended up making things so much worse. Did this happen to a couple that live in MN? I feel like I know the same couple! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-figure-out-what-to-do/268891.md?page=2)