# Please help me poke fun of my wife’s culture **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2008, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866 "2008-04-25T16:26:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/1 "2008-04-25T16:26:40Z")
OK, I must have been too obscure in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=465258), where I asked for help in combating really stupid old wives’ tales. I mentioned a few over-the-top nuggets of supposed ancient wisdom which my wife’s friends have told me in all seriousness. “Don’t tap a pregnant woman on back, or she may get shocked.” In response, I gave some counter example which I claimed were passed down by my grandmother, including not having sex in restaurants with random strangers and not losing money on the stock market. So, because it apparently was too much of a whoosh, let me invite everyone to make up some new old wives’ tales concerning pregnancy. How can we avoid shocking the modern pregnant woman? ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/2 "2008-04-25T16:33:05Z")
> [@](#): > > How can we avoid shocking the modern pregnant woman? Don’t tell her it’s yours. ---
**Author:** ![Charter\_Member1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/43a26b/32.png) [@Charter\_Member1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charter_Member1)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/3 "2008-04-25T16:42:15Z")
Don’t use pepper spray on her when she sneezes? ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/4 "2008-04-25T17:22:21Z")
When the baby kicks, it’s trying to swim. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/5 "2008-04-25T18:01:46Z")
Giving daddy blow jobs is good for the baby. Hey, it’s worth a shot. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![zagloba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/977dab/32.png) [@zagloba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zagloba)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/6 "2008-04-25T18:05:13Z")
I wouldn’t think the baby’s mouth would be big enough. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/7 "2008-04-25T18:05:43Z")
Pregnant women should never drink through a straw. The baby will be born with a permanent pucker. Magnetic strips contain toxins that are very dangerous to the baby. Credit cards should not be carried or handled by pregnant women. The gender of the baby can be influenced by the way a woman wipes after bathroom activities. For a boy, up and down. For a girl, a circular motion. Consistency is key. Half-Japanese, half-gaijin babies are born with a full set of adult teeth. It’s genetics. ---
**Author:** ![Bergomum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/34f0e0/32.png) [@Bergomum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bergomum)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/8 "2008-04-25T18:45:48Z")
[QUOTE=Max Torque] The gender of the baby can be influenced by the way a woman wipes after bathroom activities. For a boy, up and down. For a girl, a circular motion. Consistency is key. [/QUOTE] The consistency of …what? Sure. The consistency determines how you should wipe. What have babies got to do with it? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/9 "2008-04-25T18:59:24Z")
Pregnant women should not eat raw carrots. It will cause the baby to have astigmatism. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/10 "2008-04-25T20:06:22Z")
If the husband is present at the birth, the child will develop myopia. In fact, the husband shouldn’t even be in the same building, just to be safe. Holding a grudge against the father about anything generates toxins in the body that can pass to the baby. Just trying to help out my fellow man here. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2008, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/11 "2008-04-25T20:26:27Z")
> [@](#): > > “Don’t tap a pregnant woman on back, or she may get shocked.” If I don’t know you’re back there and you tap me on the back, _I’ll_ be shocked, and I’m not a woman or pregnant. ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 9:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/12 "2008-04-26T09:06:18Z")
Devise an extremely elaborate and solemn “American Beer Ceremony”. ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/13 "2008-04-26T10:07:32Z")
Having sex (or swalling lots of semen) will help the child be born a boy, especially if done a lot early on. All those extra male hormones, you know. If she falls for this one, let us know… it could be very helpful. She should avoid soap operas, as they will make a child emotionally fragile. A spoon full of castor oil will help get labor started (this one was actually told to me in birthing class by a young unwed mother… I think she was 15. Her partner was her social worker…). ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/14 "2008-04-26T14:02:49Z")
“Eating chocolate during pregnancy will stunt the child’s development.” I’d only use that one if you really want to get evil. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/15 "2008-04-26T14:15:30Z")
See, now I thought you meant something else in re: culture. Because I do know about the culture of New Mamas (the American version, anyway) and, well, we’re all nuts. For the first few years at least, and sometimes much longer. The Mother Lode for the insanity is the forums over at [www.mothering.com](http://www.mothering.com). - You must breastfeed your baby, or you are a rotten mother. - You must use only organic cotton diapers, or you are a rotten mother. - You must never let your baby cry in distress for any time or reason, or you are a rotten mother. - You must give your child only wooden toys made by hand by Algerian peasants, or you are a rotten mother. - You must always put your child’s needs first, or you are a rotten mother. and (the doozy) - Vaccinated children lack “sparkle”. ---
**Author:** ![Randy\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee7513/32.png) [@Randy\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randy_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/16 "2008-04-26T14:56:46Z")
[QUOTE=Tristan] A spoon full of castor oil will help get labor started (this one was actually told to me in birthing class by a young unwed mother… I think she was 15. Her partner was her social worker…). [/QUOTE] I have no idea whether it’s true, but Wikipedia agrees with the 15-year-old unwed mother: [Castor oil - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castor_oil#Medicinal_use_of_castor_oil) ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/17 "2008-04-26T15:43:02Z")
[QUOTE=fessie] Vaccinated children lack “sparkle”. [/QUOTE] How long does that usually take to run it’s course? ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2008, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/18 "2008-04-27T03:57:34Z")
[QUOTE=TheLoadedDog] Devise an extremely elaborate and solemn “American Beer Ceremony”. [/QUOTE] Thank you and the others who have grasped my needs. Yup, we need more silly answers which are in my benefit! ---
**Author:** ![movingfinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@movingfinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/movingfinger)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2008, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/19 "2008-04-27T05:04:44Z")
Pregnant mom should sit close to the TV when any auto race, especially NASCAR, is on. Baby’s first words should be, “Boogety boogety boogety; lets go racin’!” ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2008, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866/20 "2008-04-27T05:29:51Z")
[QUOTE=Max Torque] Magnetic strips contain toxins that are very dangerous to the baby. Credit cards should not be carried or handled by pregnant women. … [/QUOTE] I am absolutely certain that this is true. 😉 If an infant is allowed to sleep in the breeze of an electric fan, it can be very bad. Specifically, it will be bad for the rest of the people in the house or apartment. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-poke-fun-of-my-wife-s-culture/446866.md?page=2)