# Please help me to be pretentious!! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 3, 2002, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144 "2002-06-03T13:51:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![ResIpsaLoquitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@ResIpsaLoquitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ResIpsaLoquitor)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/21 "2002-06-03T16:49:32Z")
Put an initial somewhere in your name. Preferrably, make your name something like first initial-middle name-last name. Always emphasize the initial. ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/22 "2002-06-03T16:54:08Z")
Or, like the guy mentioned by Tom Lehrer, put a number in your name - somethething like spelling “Henry” as “Hen3Ry” if I recall correctly. ---
**Author:** ![eunoia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eunoia/32/97_2.png) [@eunoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eunoia)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/23 "2002-06-03T17:05:44Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Spritle \* \*\*OK. Help me narrow some things down. Here’s the pretentious checklist: **Cigarettes** Red Panthers **Smoking method** : Like a doobie? Yes, but pointing in so you have to turn it around to smoke it. Think Verbal Kint in The Ususal Suspects. Very chic. When not smoking, hold it like it’s sticking out of your breastbone, like a German officer in a bad war movie. **Music** : All music and music scenes are equally pretentious, be it Inuit throat singing or The Hives. Pick 'em, there is no wrong answer here, or you could go for bonus points and be the one person on Earth who when asked: “Do you like music?” says “Nope, I never heard any I liked.” **Tea?** Lapsang Souchon? **Wine?** Amarone? Australian Shiraz? **Clothing** : Anything Ermenegildo Zegna (not Zegna Sport!) with Converse Chuck Taylor knockoffs. **Transportation** : Vespa! ---
**Author:** ![Crusoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/24 "2002-06-03T17:22:32Z")
You need to be more like [TVGoHome](http://www.tvgohome)’s Nathan Barley: > [@](#): > > Nathan Barley stands in the queue of a Clerkenwell soup bar waiting to pay £4.95 for a cardboard cupful of coconut frankfurter chowder while loudly discussing The Sopranos with a skeletal girl in a patterned sarong and a pastel blue t-shirt with the words “Dicktoy Slut” emblazoned ironically across her chest in the style of the Cadbury’s _Dairy Milk_ logo. > [@](#): > > Apparently dressed as a Japanese train guard, Nathan Barley sits in a Farringdon bar watching a bootleg DVD full of Eighties porn trailers on a Sony Vaio PCG-F707 laptop nestling on a transparent plexi-resin table containing scattered fragments of depleted uranim and amusing Spanish keyrings. > [@](#): > > Nathan Barley vists an overpriced Soho shitshack to waste £350 on a selection of ironic Christmas gifts, including an A-Team nativity set, a clockwork Bin Laden, the 2002 Zapruder Footage calendar featuring a different still for each month, a set of furry dice with the heads of The Strokes replacing the dots, a bottle of Ron Jeremy Cream Shampoo (emulating the precise consistency of semen and manufactured in San Francisco by a company whose name is spelt out in a knowingly kitsch font), two packets of swastika-shaped corn snacks and a Japanese digital camera that prints photographs on marzipan-scented recycled fucking toilet paper. ---
**Author:** ![Yossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/9de0a6/32.png) [@Yossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yossarian)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/25 "2002-06-03T19:04:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Spritle \* > \*\*Actually, I don’t have cable - never have. > \*\* Excellent! I could almost taste the sneer! ---
**Author:** ![Yossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/9de0a6/32.png) [@Yossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yossarian)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/26 "2002-06-03T19:12:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Spritle \* > \*\*Actually, I don’t have cable - never have. > \*\* Excellent! I could almost taste the sneer! ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/27 "2002-06-03T19:18:49Z")
I don’t think pretentiousness is about judging people based on the things they purchase or consume. To do so would be pretty pretentious. ---
**Author:** ![Gundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Gundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundy)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/28 "2002-06-03T19:29:24Z")
I realize my gushing enthusiasm is just so gauche, but…this is the best thread ever. **Spritle** , don’t forget to speak _in italics at all times_. It’s just so _so_. Oh, and **auntie em** ’s “Ohh licky licky” is making me laugh out loud right this very moment. ---
**Author:** ![Spritle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Spritle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spritle)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/29 "2002-06-03T19:35:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Pantellerite \* > \*\* > > Excellent! > > I could almost taste the sneer! \*\* Actually, I _don’t_ have cable and never _have_ had ca… Ohhhhh! _I_ get it! This is getting easier. Skooplah skooplah rah! **S**. Pritle Comthistle-Comthistle Oh, **Pets** : Mutt? Purebred cat/dog? Exotic animal (emu?) Keeping an animal in captivity is cruel and reflects on the selfishness/domination issues of the “owner”? **Names for pet** : (assuming I can have one) Rex? Phydeaux? Louis IVX? Sir Wolmac Prescott Comthistle-Comthistle? ---
**Author:** ![Smashed\_Ice\_Cream](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Smashed\_Ice\_Cream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smashed_Ice_Cream)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/30 "2002-06-03T20:30:08Z")
Place your children on waiting lists for prep school - IMMEDIATELY. I see your new one is nearly two months old now - just how long were you planning on waiting, m’dear? While you’re at it - enroll them in at least twenty kinds of lessons - piano, tai chi, karate, cooking, gardening, gymnastics, home depot do-it-yourself clinics, eighteen languages, rock climbing, belly dancing, glass blowing, and mandolin are the bare minimums. Hire someone to shuttle them to all their lessons so you have more time to sniff at people and tell them they just don’t understand how hard it is to raise overachievers. Acquire six or seven identical dogs no larger than a breadbox. Give them all french names. Hypenated french names are better. ---
**Author:** ![Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4da419/32.png) [@Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gala_Matrix_Fire)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/31 "2002-06-03T21:57:17Z")
I can’t believe nobody mentioned wearing dark sunglasses as often as possible. Then, don’t look at people when you talk to them, just keep looking in the direction you’re walking, since you only talk to people at the same time you’re doing something _useful_. As far as what to talk about, state every opinion as fact, use jargon and abbreviations, and make what appear to be allusions (although they don’t have to actually allude to anything.) Characters in movies do this a lot. Drives me crazy. ---
**Author:** ![Crusoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/32 "2002-06-03T22:02:01Z")
Never appreciate or criticise something for what it is, only for what it _means_, even if you’re spouting total arse dribble. _“‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ is a searing indictment of post-modern retro kitsch and a celebration of the global village culture. Pass me an olive, Crispin.”_ ---
**Author:** ![MovieMogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f08c70/32.png) [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/33 "2002-06-03T22:28:14Z")
Become familiar with… The writings of Michel Foucault The films of Ingmar Bergman The paintings of Piet Mondrian The poetry of Arthur Rimbaud The fiction of James Joyce The music of Ravi Shankar And talk about nothing but at every social gathering you attend. Also, [this](http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A513604) might help. ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/34 "2002-06-03T22:41:52Z")
Jizz on toast! I must be more pretentious that I had hitherto realised. ---
**Author:** ![Daowajan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@Daowajan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daowajan)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/35 "2002-06-03T22:54:56Z")
Smoking method - You mean you aren’t going to get one of those cool stem thingies? I know if I smoked, I’d have one of those with my lighter and cigarettes all the time. ---
**Author:** ![heresiarch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@heresiarch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heresiarch)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/36 "2002-06-03T23:01:47Z")
You might run across other people who like jazz. Don’t panic - just pretend to like a jazz style that is more avant-garde than whatever they bring up. Ornette Coleman will trump most of 'em. If they actually like avant-garde jazz, you might have to start making up names. Here’s a tip I read in a National Lampoon article for impressing literary snobs: Pick some fairly well-respected author and cultivate a seething hatred of him. You have just taken a shortcut to being more hip than anyone who likes or appreciates that author. Try to avoid justifying your disdain. You might get into a battle of jargon and critic-babble. National Lampoon actually recommended going ballistic - throwing your martini glass to the ground and shouting epithets - but I don’t think that fits with the world-weary jaded thing we seem to be developing here. Maybe you could just appear too disgusted to debate the issue. (As if you could ever explain _anything_ to someone who thinks that _so-and-so_ deserves to be called an _author_. :rolleyes: ) Come to think of it, that might work for things besides literature. You could have a painter you hate, an architect, a composer, etc. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2002, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/37 "2002-06-03T23:02:15Z")
I think you are going to have to decide what type of pretension you plan to focus on. If you tried all of these suggestions you would just cancel out and look wierd. You could go for the euro-artsy-bored-with-the-bourgeois attitude, or the liberal-academic-condesendendingly-patient, or even the blue-blood-judgemental-exasperated-“that should be good enough for you” attitude. ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2002, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/38 "2002-06-04T04:06:55Z")
“I am the very model of a trendy faux bisexual I dress in black to show that I’m a turgid intellectual…” Learn that entire song and then you’ll be wonderfully post-modern. -K.R. Anderson Numberletter ---
**Author:** ![Fionn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fionn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fionn)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2002, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/39 "2002-06-04T04:16:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ArchiveGuy \* > \*\* > > The poetry of Arthur Rimbaud > > \*\* I’ve got some Rimbaud and some cloves, but I think my Buffy the Vampire Slayer action figure and stuffed musical Bevo cancel them out. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2002, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144/40 "2002-06-04T04:43:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Podkayne \* > \*\*The tea of the moment is _red_ tea, _African rooibus tea_ to those in the know. Get with it, kiddo! \*\* Well, yeah, but if dipping huge red mass transport vehicles in boiling water seems a tad over the top, _rooibos_ tea will do nicely, too. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-help-me-to-be-pretentious/112144.md?page=3)