# Please, I'm begging you to stop **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 8, 2000, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502 "2000-09-08T15:19:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/fbc32d/32.png) [@Lnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lnix)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2000, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/1 "2000-09-08T15:19:40Z")
INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM TO: Felchmasters FROM: Payroll RE: Payday I have been in Payroll and HR for 10 years now. Every payday in every one of those 10 years I have passsed out paychecks to a varying number of employees just like you. Every payday you say the same exact thing. Let me issue a blanket response now because very soon I will start responding an with automatic weapon 1. Yes, I know you’re glad to see me on payday 2. Yes, I know your money is already spent, mine is too 3. That’s very funny but no, I did not include an extra thousand in your paycheck. If I was going to start handing out extra money I would start with myself. 4. No, I don’t know how much vacation time you have. Believe it or not, I do not memorize the available time for every employee in this building. You’re going to have to get up off your lazy ass and come to my office. 5. Again, that’s very funny but no, you cannot have the paychecks of people who are not here today. Those paychecks go towards the Payroll Retirement/Bail/Prescription Fund. In the future please just take your fucking check and say “Thank You, Payroll Goddess. I am a worthless piece of shit and am privledged for you to have shone your attention upon me.” Your cooperation is greatly appreciated. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2000, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/2 "2000-09-08T15:39:21Z")
Sound like SOMEBODY’s got a case of the Mondays! I always say “Wow! All this, and they’re PAYING me too? You’ve GOT to be kidding!” and do a little dance. Zette (preparing to take her appropriate verbal abuse from Lnix, payroll Goddess) ---
**Author:** ![sdimbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sdimbert/32/20204_2.png) [@sdimbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sdimbert)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2000, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/3 "2000-09-08T15:49:12Z")
**Zette** : Where should I send you the bill for my dry cleaning? Your sig made me spit Yoo-Hoo all over myself! Where did _that_ come from? ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2000, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/4 "2000-09-08T15:51:00Z")
…Thou Shalt Not Fuck with the Payroll Master or the Cook! ---
**Author:** ![August\_West](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/august_west/32/18069_2.png) [@August\_West](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August_West)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2000, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/5 "2000-09-08T15:59:09Z")
So, **Lnix** , why was my overtime off by 2 hours on that check 10 weeks ago that I mentioned 4 weeks ago in the hall? ---
**Author:** ![Lnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/fbc32d/32.png) [@Lnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lnix)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2000, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/6 "2000-09-08T16:04:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ChiefWahoo \* > \*\*So, **Lnix** , why was my overtime off by 2 hours on that check 10 weeks ago that I mentioned 4 weeks ago in the hall? \*\* Cause you’re a shaggy fucknut who doesn’t deserve overtime.🙂 Now, Chief Wahoo? Zette? will that be automatic or semi automatic gunfire? ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2000, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/7 "2000-09-08T16:56:08Z")
Sim, you thought the SIG was good? how 'bout the real life play by play. Enjoy! [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=34169](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=34169) Oh, Lynx. I forgot to punch out for lunch the other day. Can you fix that?? ::snort:: WOO, HOO! HERE COME THE PAYCHECKS!!! YIPPIE!! (dances around like Daffy Duck on crack) Zette (ducks flying bullets) ---
**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2000, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/8 "2000-09-08T21:46:53Z")
Typical rant, coming from an HR/Payroll person. They _know_ they’re the most hated people in the company, yet you try to be nice to them and they go ballistic. Sheesh! But seriously, I hate comments like that and _any_ canned response. Why do people have to tell you something they know you must’ve heard a million times? Or are they just so stupid that they think it’s a very original thing to say? This kind of thing is in the same vein as making fun of guys named Dick, or in my biz (nuclear medicine), “Oh, am I going to glow in the dark now? Har Har!” I just quietly think to myself, “Yes, you _are_ going to glow in the dark, and in the light, and your testicles are going to shrivel up, and your babies are going to be born with three legs, and your hair will fall out, and and and…” Aarrgghh! Stupid fuckers! ---
**Author:** ![Scupper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Scupper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scupper)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2000, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/9 "2000-09-08T21:59:37Z")
I work in Tech Support. Here’s the sh!t I get over and over: (Sitting at a person’s desk when another person comes along): Gee \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, you sure look different! Every f’ing day. I am not kidding. SHUT UP!!! “I’m not a computer person.” No sh!t, that’s why I’m here. ---
**Author:** ![Danielinthewolvesden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce7236/32.png) [@Danielinthewolvesden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danielinthewolvesden)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2000, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/10 "2000-09-09T01:40:10Z")
lnix: your company still hands out CHECKS?!? What color are the “tens” beads on your “computers”? 2 words- direct deposit. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2000, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/11 "2000-09-09T13:28:45Z")
Daniel, Before Lnix comes in here, skewers you and puts you on a spit, here’s my take. Around here, even if you have direct deposit, a check “stub” is still printed out, enveloped, and handed out on payday. This way us goat felching employees can annoy the payroll department AND make sure our checks are correct! I’ve heard of some companies that have encrypted websites that contain paystub info, but I don’t think it’s that common. If you don’t get a check or a stub, how do you check your money or your accrued vacation? (or tax deductions for that matter) Zette ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2000, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/12 "2000-09-09T14:51:17Z")
The company I work for has multiple buildings. Everytime I go to the other main munufacturing building, this one guy always says “Hey, they let you out of the dungeon?” \< Sigh \> Yeah, that was really funny the first dozen times I heard that. No, really. I mean that. Please, keep saying that coming to me every fucking time I see you. It just cracks me up everytime. Seriously. ---
**Author:** ![jjjfishe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/46a35a/32.png) [@jjjfishe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjjfishe)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2000, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/13 "2000-09-09T15:24:15Z")
yeah… I’ve been a waitress at a burger restaurant for 5 years and I’ve heard them all. If you can’t beat em, join em. Me: “How would you like that cooked?” Them: “On a grill” Me: “Oh…so **not** in the microwave?” Me: “Is there anything else you need?” Them: “Yeah, a million dollars.” Me: “If I find it lying around…it’s yours” Me: "Did you want dessert? Them: “No” Me: “I’ll leave your check and you can pay at the register.” Them: “We don’t want that either” Me: “I’ll check around and see if anyone else wants it then.” ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2000, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/14 "2000-09-09T19:21:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Democritus \* > **Why do people have to tell you something they know you must’ve heard a million times? Or are they just so stupid that they think it’s a very original thing to say?** They are that stupid. And I’ve done it myself a few times. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2000, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/15 "2000-09-10T06:53:26Z")
Well, I guess I do the same thing from time to time. I’m not really trying to be exceptionally cute and innovative, but rather friendly and do something besides grunt and take the check. Of course, my company has fewer people than your seems to, so at least they don’t hear it quite as many times. Having read your post though, I’ll make an effort to not say any of the above things (or at least some up with a new pithy saying). ---
**Author:** ![lolagranola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ea5d25/32.png) [@lolagranola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lolagranola)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2000, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/16 "2000-09-10T14:17:21Z")
I haven’t worked in payroll, but having spent a lot of time in the service industry, I’ve heard a lot of the same things as jjjfishe. I know that they’re trying to be friendly, and it’s just their way of making a small joke. It’s a shame I’ve heard it so often before, but I do understand that they’re not trying to be repetitive. I amused myself by trying to come up with as many different answers as I could. I may have heard the questions before, but at least one of us can be original, and keep the conversation varied. I found that my usual customers would start saying the same thing everytime, just to see what response I would come up with this time. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2000, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/17 "2000-09-10T18:21:04Z")
I am truly sorry my joy at receiving the pittance you hand me every two weeks causes you such distress. I will try and remain quiet and docile when I see HR in the future. I will not do my happy dance of joy or try to treat you as a human being and annoy you with my small talk. You are not a human being-- you are a Goddess. I will endeavor to not even look apon the face of the Goddess; I will just mutely take my pittance and quiver with gratitude. I hope you do not take offence to my quivering. ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2000, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/18 "2000-09-11T02:29:56Z")
_Sometimes, every thought in my brain goes through a “Raising Arizona” filter._ So, suggesting that you answer each of these jerks with “Guv’ment do take a bite, don’t she?” is out of the question, right? OK, never mind… ---
**Author:** ![Lnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/fbc32d/32.png) [@Lnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lnix)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2000, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/19 "2000-09-11T13:14:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Biggirl \* > \*\*I hope you do not take offence to my quivering. \*\* Arise and go forth to felch no more. 9 out of 10 goddesses agree that quivering = good ---
**Author:** ![tradesilicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/439d5e/32.png) [@tradesilicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tradesilicon)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2000, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502/20 "2000-09-11T17:07:16Z")
::bowing, humbly:: Oh godess of the checks, may I offer in sacrifice at your feet this lamb (you’re not vegetarian are you? I’ll make it a soy plant if so…), and pray for your favor. May our checks be on time and may you be pleased with our unworthy selves so that you may see fit to contnue delivering them unto us. May you always find your way easily to my isle, where I will welcome you with fresh sacrifice each pay day. Amen. ::bowing, humbly:: Sili PS - our checks are mailed, no hassle for payroll godess that way. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-im-begging-you-to-stop/32502.md?page=2)