# Please leave a message at the sound of the \*fap\* **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 30, 2004, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283 "2004-11-30T04:37:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/41 "2004-12-01T05:10:00Z")
_frantic violin_ Hello! We can’t come to the phone because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave your name and number at the sound of the tone and we’ll get ba -AAAAAAAAAA LOOK OUT! HERE THEY COME!!! _crescendo, then out_ ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/42 "2004-12-01T06:34:51Z")
> [@fishbicycle](#): > > Nah, it was just a bunch of silliness. I’ve never been given a mantra, but I understand that it is a word or phrase or sound that makes no sense. This fits the bill pretty well! Are you whoooshin’ us, here? Oon Yellimon is from _A Child’s Garden of Grass,_ a book and LP that were a basic FAQ about marijuana, from a long time ago. If you knew all that, I’ll feel my hair blow back. If not, well gosh. What a co-inky-dance. ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/43 "2004-12-01T07:30:07Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > I was doing a design for a client and she had left me her number in case I had any questions. On one occasion I needed to call her. A few rings, and then the machine clicks on: > > Dog in Background: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF > > Man’s voice: “Hello, you have reached S, D, and T. If you’d like to leave a message for S, press 1…” > > Dog in Background: _WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF_ > > Man: “If you’d like to leave a message for D, press 2…” > > DiB: _WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF_ > > Man (sounding distracted): “If you’d like to leave a message for T, Pr…” > > (drowned out by DiB): _WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF_ > > Man: “If you’d like to hear Coco silenced permanently, press 4.” > > Not the strangest I’ve heard, but certainly one of the funniest. 😃 Mine: Press 1 to be ignored by a human! Press 2 to be ignored by a machine! Press 3 to talk to the dog! Please press a number nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooowwwwwwww! 10% of the callers press a number ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_Mann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@Rich\_Mann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_Mann)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/44 "2004-12-01T08:12:11Z")
Once, for a couple of weeks, my friends were complaining that sometimes when they called me they reached, instead, a very long-winded political recording. I finally went to a neighbors house and called myself to check it out and got the same recording. I went home intending to call the phone company about the problem. When I got in I heard the same thing playing on my machine! Apparently with this machine you get the extra added feature that if the incoming message is long enough it becomes your new outgoing. And they didn’t charge me extra for it. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/45 "2004-12-01T10:15:26Z")
I pinched Linda Hamilton’s answerphone message from The Terminator: “Hello? Ha-ha, fooled you, you’re talking to a machine. But don’t worry, machines have feelings too…” You’d be surprised by how many people were thrown out by the first “Hello”. ---
**Author:** ![fishbicycle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aeb1de/32.png) [@fishbicycle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishbicycle)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/46 "2004-12-01T13:51:16Z")
> [@AskNott](#): > > Are you whoooshin’ us, here? Oon Yellimon is from _A Child’s Garden of Grass,_ a book and LP that were a basic FAQ about marijuana, from a long time ago. If you knew all that, I’ll feel my hair blow back. If not, well gosh. What a co-inky-dance. Sorry, I was in the middle of something at work when I posted about that, and forgot to mention it. I wasn’t trying to hide it or anything! I can’t say I’ve ever known more than one person who’s ever heard of that album, though! ---
**Author:** ![SavageNarce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@SavageNarce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SavageNarce)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/47 "2004-12-01T13:58:00Z")
I used to have a greeting that I adopted from a National Lampoon radio skit: \ Hello, this is the Lone Ranger. Every day, thousands of babies are born with masks on their faces. If you wish to make a donation to help stop this terrible affliction (in _silver_ please), leave your name, phone number and a message at the sound of the beep. \ ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/48 "2004-12-01T14:00:12Z")
1 - I know you called to talk, but quite honestly I don’t feel like talking right now, but don’t let that stop you, go ahead, you talk, I’ll listen… 2 - Please leave a message after the beep, unless you are trying to sell us anything, then just call someone else… ---
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/49 "2004-12-01T14:55:50Z")
My mom used to have a pretty good outgoing message on her machine. You have reached the Scribblemom household at xxx-xxxx. No-one is available to take your call right now, but our automated system may assist you. If you are calling to sell us a magazine subscription or siding, please press 1…and hang up now. If you are calling to sell us carpet cleaning or lawn care services, please press 2…and hang up now. If you are calling to sell us anything else, please press 3…and hang up now. All other callers, please leave a message at the sound of the tone. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/50 "2004-12-01T15:22:12Z")
I have a Dances With Bunny Rabbits pagan friend from California (is that redundant?) who has a not-funny and very irritating message of no less than three minutes which changes with each season (there’s eight). So it’s generally something like: “Hello, and thank you for calling Morgan Moongoddess Wildebeast. I’ve been awaiting your call and hope you’re feeling the joyous energy flow of this wonderful Solstice Season. Breathe deep into your hara and feel the love and life all around you, just slumbering and waiting to burst forth in the spring. As we wait for the sun to return, we think on our own Year’s Jouney, and reflect on the changes and lessons that the Goddess has sent us this year…” Really. She can go on forEVER! And she never mentions that you can press the star key to bypass her sermon. She just got into Tantra. I’m afraid to call her now. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/51 "2004-12-01T15:37:07Z")
> [@that\_darn\_cat](#): > > [college answering machine] > > WE"VE GOT THIRTEEN POUNDS OF COFFEE AND A SHOTGUN AND WE’RE NOT COMING DOWN FOR ANYBODY! > > [/college answering machine] I love it! I may modify it and use “chocolate” instead… ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/52 "2004-12-01T15:44:45Z")
If you’re ever over at a good friend’s house, one that can take a joke, and they go out for an errand or spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, then record a new, surreal outgoing message on their answering machine. Maybe something like: “Hi, you’ve reached Steve and… oh, god stop!.. sorry, everything’s okay now, anyway, leave a message at the tone.” Or “This is Jane, bicycle toaster oven mitt.” Or “You’ve reached the Epsteins at 555-1212” (but in this case the person is not the Epsteins and 555-1212 is not their number) _beep_ Since many people don’t listen to their own outbound message it can stay there for a quite a while, at least until they get enough people leaving confused messages on their machine. ---
**Author:** ![umop\_ap\_sdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/dbc845/32.png) [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/53 "2004-12-01T18:52:35Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > “This is Jane, bicycle toaster oven mitt.” They’ll probably answer with “whiskey tango foxtrot”. 😃 When I get an answering machine I’m going to have the following message to the tune of Justin Hayward’s (of Moody Blues) _Forever Autumn_: \*You called my number trying to get ahold of me But I’m not at the phone right now I guess you’ll have to leave a message 'Cuz I’m not here As your voice through the line traverses the distance So the magnetic tape records away If you’re a friend or business associate I’ll gladly return your call But if you’re a telemarketer You’ve got some gall\* ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/54 "2004-12-01T20:27:40Z")
My mom called a friend (let’s call her “Jane”) that she had fallen out of touch with and heard something along the following lines: “This is Bill Smith. If you’re calling for Jane, she doesn’t live here anymore. She felt that it was OK to betray my trust with a man I thought was a good friend, and I don’t give a damn what her new number is.” –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/55 "2004-12-01T21:48:00Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > She just got into Tantra. I’m afraid to call her now. Her new answerphone message is probably five-and-a-half hours of panting, moaning, and general sounds of orgasms. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/56 "2004-12-01T22:25:33Z")
Oh, and my mom came up with this one: _These woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep._ And I contributed: _This is CBC Radio Two. And now, a performance of Dvorak’s Beep Sonata in C flat minor._ ---
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/57 "2004-12-02T01:56:19Z")
Done with a flanged, slowed-down recording of my voice with aqualung-esque breathing in the background: Greetings young Jedi. You have made contact with Darth [last name]. Unfortunately, Princess Leia and I have gone out for some Chinese food and a case of beer. Leave a message and I will contact you as soon as possible. I did once get some stoner wrong number that was all “wow dude! cool message!” ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/58 "2004-12-02T02:13:45Z")
I always liked George’s answering machine message, on one episode of _Seinfeld_, that went: (sung to the tune of _A Wing and a Prayer_) Believe it or not, George isn’t at home, So leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I’d pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I’m not home. ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/59 "2004-12-02T03:16:18Z")
> [@Cliffy](#): > > My mom called a friend (let’s call her “Jane”) that she had fallen out of touch with and heard something along the following lines: > > “This is Bill Smith. If you’re calling for Jane, she doesn’t live here anymore. She felt that it was OK to betray my trust with a man I thought was a good friend, and I don’t give a damn what her new number is.” > > –Cliffy Man, that message would have come in handy a few years ago. If I could have gotten out of the fetal position, I might have tried it… ---
**Author:** ![Hoopy\_Frood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoopy_frood/32/8452_2.png) [@Hoopy\_Frood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoopy_Frood)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2004, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283/60 "2004-12-17T19:04:31Z")
> [@11811](#): > > Done with a flanged, slowed-down recording of my voice with aqualung-esque breathing in the background: > > Greetings young Jedi. You have made contact with Darth [last name]. Unfortunately, Princess Leia and I have gone out for some Chinese food and a case of beer. Leave a message and I will contact you as soon as possible. > > I did once get some stoner wrong number that was all “wow dude! cool message!” Freshman year of college my roommate and I had the following: Me (with my hands cupped over my mouth talking in a Vader voice): “Brent and Grant are busy being turned to the darkside of the force.” Brent: “I’ll never join you!” Me: “Please leave your name and number after the tone…It is your destiny.” Brent: “That’s not true! That’s impossible!” _Beep_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-leave-a-message-at-the-sound-of-the-fap/277283.md?page=4)