Client bought a GIS software package from a third party vender. We where hired to do the data conversion into the package.
The package was all proprietary, very little could be done to customize it. It was designed to map hard wired phone and computer networks inside of buildings. Cable trays and conduit runs too.
What did they want us to do with it? Map long distance cellular phone networks. It got assigned to me. I did it, but It pretty much turned out to be shit.
Miller, great story! As a technical writer, I had to know just enough about intellectual property to be dangerous. I always had a helluva time convincing my bosses that we couldn’t use names like “Mickey Mouse” or “Obi Wan Kenobi” or “Clark Kent” on the sample screens in the user documentation. But it sounds like you had a lot more trouble. Again, great story!
Well I’d dearly love to contribute to this thread but since about 11:00 last night my job now seems to consist solely of filling out Out of Cycle (code) Change Requests and bugging senior directors to approve them, so I’m too damn busy. Damn guys, three emergency fixes/rollbacks in 15 hours? The hell!
None that have actually been put into effect, but we did have a boss that openly proposed a plan that would cut everyone’s pay in HALF (for some this could be as big as a $30,000 hit).
I can’t IMAGINE why he had to back off this idea.
I worked in a job that required a fair bit of travelling and flexible hours - working for a bloke that was pretty nutty and unpredictable. One time I returned to the office from some 36-hour shift or some such and was told ‘drive yourself home, then bring the car straight back’ 
PIVOT TABLES!!! :mad:
And that’s all I’m going to say for now.
I started work in a large office. The mail tracking system consisted of the mailroom manager and three of her underlings stalking about the (100 person) office demanding “Do you have this file?”
Not all four asking 25 people each, oh no, that would have been far to easy. She led the inquisition and they all had to stand behind her and nod when she asked if they understood that person A had just denied all knowledge of the missing file. Then they would move on to the next person. Up to 10 files a day were on her ‘missing’ list.
My manager waited till I had seen this process in action for a week and said, “Now fix it.”
I got the list and all the files from the next PA up the food chain, since she had nothing to do with the departments that did the work.
I distributed the files to the relevant departments, logged their locations on the existing tracking system and the missing files per day went to zero. Immediately.
Three weeks later I was told I had to formally apologise to the mailroom manager for ‘sabotaging’ her system. My manager said it would be easier than trying to explain to the boss, his boss, and her boss, all of whom had been dragged into the mess when the Mailroom manager had no immediate gratification.
I do not work there any more.
When people ask for Excel pivot tables, what they really want is Access Crosstab queries.
I don’t believe it! He did it again today. 7,089 words. Was I not sufficiently clear??
We have gotten no content yet, and the first deliverables are supposed to go out tomorrow. The contract just got signed today.
This isn’t because of incompetence or anything. This is the first project of its type, and clients and developers are spread all around the globe, scratching their heads on what to do. The bidders will know better next time.
Personally, when I’ve asked for an Excel pivot table, I’ve had no idea what I’m talking about so what I really wanted could have been pretty much anything. But from now on, I’ll ask for an Access Crosstab query instead.
“Hello, a red light’s blinking on my dashboard. Do you have any Access Crosstab queries?”
“Sure thing. How many would you like?”
“Better give me a couple. I’m having company over this weekend and I’m making chili.”
“We need six week old sunflowers for the lab next Thursday.”
I need a time machine.
Account Exec: “Could you give me an estimate to modify this code you’ve never looked at before to do something I’ve only halfassed described?”
Me: “No.”
I used to work for an internet service provider that had been bought out by a company with nothing other than an exit plan. They sold it to another company that intended to dismantle the operations, take out what they wanted and end the rest. I was not offered a permanent position with the new company.
I was offered $8 hr to design them a new website and to spend 2 months transitioning the customers over to the new company to assure them that everything would be ok and that their services would continue as they had before.
I was currently making $20 hr. Billing out programming time at $125 hr. And had a stellar reputation with my clients because I would not bullshit them.
Y’know, if you’re a private contractor, you should charge more. There’s obviously a demand.
Someone who was here before I ever was made the decision that we’re working with pivot tables. I don’t get to change that.
Even the pivot tables in and of themselves aren’t too bad, but we have to combine them with a vlookup to get some of the data, which results in some dodgy results when the vlookup isn’t updated correctly or referenced correctly. And the client is sending through about two dozen updates every time we send them an invoice, before they will pay it, so everything has to be updated and re-updated and copied and pasted and changed and aarrrrrgh.
Also, there’s no reason to have the same data repeated four or more times in the one invoice. Once on a standard sheet, twice in pivot tables and once in a copy and pasted spreadsheet taken directly from the pivot table.
Also also, it’s an excel spreadsheet, bitch. If one of the fields has three or four decimal places instead of two, it’s because it’s been overlooked in the twenty-page document of inane requests you’ve sent us. See that handy button at the top of the page? The one that decreases the number of decimal points? You CAN actually press it yourself, rather than emailing us snottily to say “because there are more than two decimal places, we cannot reconcile this bill” (hyperventilating) ARRRGH.
You’re kidding me.
I’ve had customers send back transcripts for correction because the date line said (for example) September when it was supposed to be October. You can’t do that yourself? Really? It’s a freakin’ Word document.
I used to serve tables in a fairly nice restaurant that prided itself on the fact that it didn’t have a microwave. Then, one day, the restaurant began offering a stylized apple cobbler dish that required its preparation beforehand and then the individual servings were reheated as ordered. This required a microwave.
But the restaurant was so dead-set against microwaves that they refused to acknowledge that the device they had purchased was, in fact, a microwave. Even though it literally said “microwave” right on it. Instead, the device was referred to as a “cobbler” and we were required to use the term amongst ourselves and with customers. You see, according to management, there was a fundamental difference between a microwave and a “cobbler”. A microwave heats from the outside in, while a “cobbler” heats from the inside out.
Now, I don’t have a degree in particle physics but I understand the basics behind atoms absorbing waves or particles and hence jiggling around a lot more and therefore becoming hotter. Even if you could alter whether it heated the inside or the outside first, the machine is still using microwave energy and is a far cry from baking or broiling or whatever. And apparently some of our customers understood the basics as well and they would look at us like we were idiots when we tried to explain to them that that beeping machine over there was a “cobbler”.
Probably not. I’ve gotten Excel sheets back with the note “we wanted it sorted on this column, not that one”.
They won’t let me answer with “I’m sorry, but you’re too stupid to receive any further data.”