# Please Swallow Their BS, They're FAMILY... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 20, 2014, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292 "2014-01-20T18:09:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/61 "2014-01-21T14:59:39Z")
Their being scared and shocked doesn’t make their reaction ok. Understandable, perhaps, but not ok. My level of understanding for spouting such vile things is also mitigated by the fact that it was some time ago, and we expect people to use reason and get their act together. If we didn’t expect that from people, and didn’t judge them for their violent imaginaries,\* we’d live in terrifying society. (Well, I wouldn’t so much, people who say crazy stuff like that here don’t actually have guns to back up their talk, thankfully.) \*Real word. Schröder and Schmidt (2001), violent imaginaries allow violence to become sanctioned and legitimised. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/62 "2014-01-21T15:06:40Z")
Please recognize what is being portrayed as passion, is really, more likely, your anger at again seeing clearly how they are kinda assholes, not, in fact, the loving, if misguided beings you have always wanted them to be. What makes you angry, owns you. Stop expecting them to be otherwise. Your life will get a lot easier. Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/63 "2014-01-21T15:22:51Z")
I agree what the SIL was stupid. And now the the OP has clarified that she wasn’t at their house, I’m actually okay with her calling them on said idiocy. Still though, I wouldn’t classify the SIL as “Evil Fuck”. Far from it. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/64 "2014-01-21T15:43:02Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > You sound incredibly naive. Look in the mirror. > [@](#): > > calling some one “Evil fucks” as if they actually _did_ kill the invading teens, goes beyond the pail. > > They we’re venting and what the SIL said bares no resemblance of what might have actually transpired had they been home. Your logic and your spelling both suck. First of all, I haven’t ventured an opinion on what would or would have happened, had they been home to welcome the burglars. The main thing is, several weeks after a pretty minor burglary, with sufficient time to let the immediate rush of emotions settle down, they’re still wishing that these kids had gotten killed, and that they personally could have done the killing. That’s evil in my book. I don’t know what it is in yours, and to tell the truth I really don’t care. ---
**Author:** ![stpauler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@stpauler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stpauler)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/65 "2014-01-21T15:48:01Z")
[Beyond the **Pale** may refer to: The Pale, a demarcation line in Ireland while under English dominion; a usage associated with the phrase “beyond the pale”, meaning unacceptable behaviour.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beyond_the_Pale) ---
**Author:** ![F.Pu-du-he-pa-as](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c89c15/32.png) [@F.Pu-du-he-pa-as](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.Pu-du-he-pa-as)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/66 "2014-01-21T15:54:38Z")
> [@Foxy40](#): > > So. Here’s the question, should a person simply ignore comments they don’t agree with for the peace of the family? Is it more important to you to be right on a given issue, or to continue to see these people? I don’t think there’s a universal right or wrong answer to this question; for me, at least, it would depend on the people and the issue. Just figure out for yourself which outcome you could live with the most happily, and act accordingly. ---
**Author:** ![Foxy40](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a9a28c/32.png) [@Foxy40](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Foxy40)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/67 "2014-01-21T15:55:58Z")
> [@gracer](#): > > Well, I wouldn’t so much, people who say crazy stuff like that here don’t actually have guns to back up their talk, thankfully.) > \*Real word. Schröder and Schmidt (2001), violent imaginaries allow violence to become sanctioned and legitimised. Unfortunately, these people have an arsenal. As a matter of fact, when my brother told me they got burglarized, he told me the first thing he checked was his gun cabinet and his safe to make sure they didn’t get his weapons. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/68 "2014-01-21T16:03:42Z")
If you can disagree with someone politely and pleasantly and not spoil everyone else’s enjoyment of the gathering, knock yourself out. If you’re going to be rude and call people names, sit the hell down and shut the fuck up. Bite your tongue. Change the subject. Make an excuse and leave if you have to. Nobody wants to listen to you two snipe and snark at each other, or yell at each other, or stomp sullenly around the house not speaking to one another–it makes the whole day incredibly unpleasant for everyone else. It’s the primary reason I’m generally not keen on extended-family gatherings with my in-laws; the cousins fight like cats in a sack, up to and including yelling at each other across the table during Christmas dinner. Also, being called an idiot for having an opinion you don’t like is a level of bullshit quite a lot of people wouldn’t be willing to swallow. If my sil talked to me like that at a family gathering, things would be…incredibly tense and frosty at future gatherings until she’d proven she could be at least minimally civil. ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/69 "2014-01-21T19:39:13Z")
Seems like the OP does not like the brother or his wife. I can not imagine any of my siblings acting like either of these people in my parents home. This can not be a one off situation. The OP had to know that the SIL & Brother had this view point before this or she left the family for years with no contact for it to be a big surprise… IMO. How old are these 3 people? I have some vary different opinions with some of my siblings & things got really heated sometimes but no way no how would our parents not land on all parties in a situation like this. As I get older, I find that my family is much better than I ever imagined. This kind of disfunctionality is really incompressible to me. These two females should never allow themselves to be in the same space ever. I think they both need a spanking. … IMO ---
**Author:** ![Roundabout](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dec6dc/32.png) [@Roundabout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roundabout)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/70 "2014-01-21T19:51:33Z")
That sounds a bit sadistic, seeing as how they were just kids who got arrested for the crime anyway. I agree with the others that it was wrong to state your opinion with insults, but I don’t think it was the wrong opinion. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/71 "2014-01-21T19:54:47Z")
I don’t really think family has much to do with this, if I were talking to some random person at a party, they mentioned a recent home invasion and I decided to ask for details then I would not be hugely surprised to get a comment like this. If I were to challenge them, I would not expect them to reply “Oh, hey, maybe you’re right. Thanks for the input.”. Rather, I would expect them to repeat their opinion and become more heated. And yeah, I wouldn’t call them an idiot unless I actually didn’t give a shit about causing a scene, because that’s pretty much what is guaranteed to happen. So I guess it depends on what your goal is. Do you care if you cause a scene at parties? Then just keep doing what you’re doing. The alternatives are (a) don’t pursue conversations when they start to go in a direction you don’t like, or (b) don’t go to parties attended by people you don’t like. I personally prefer (b) when it comes to family members, but I do (a) plenty often, and I don’t really consider it any huge sacrifice of my personal values. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/72 "2014-01-21T20:01:39Z")
> [@GusNSpot](#): > > This kind of disfunctionality is really incompressible to me. It’s incomprehensible to me that any extended family with more than a few members could \*not \*have dysfunctionality of this level somewhere. My family doesn’t fight at gatherings but we have our own things. I’ve never known a family very well who didn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/73 "2014-01-21T20:21:08Z")
It goes both ways, doesn’t it? Isn’t it also incumbent on your SIL to rein in her politics for the sake of family? Yes, you played the namecalling card first, and you shouldn’t have, but you weren’t the one who went all murderous nutjob. Politeness has to come around and go around. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/74 "2014-01-21T20:23:04Z")
> [@Roundabout](#): > > That sounds a bit sadistic, seeing as how they were just kids who got arrested for the crime anyway. definitely but have you ever talked with someone who got screwed over by: fill in the blank\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Passion tends to run high on the subject and is best to steer the conversation towards something else. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/75 "2014-01-21T20:25:18Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > No, but you can be reassured that a lot of these people are just talking shit. When given the opportunity, they don’t actually do anything. For instance, my friend who claims he would like to “shoot” the guy who scratched his car has never actually pulled a gun on anyone. Including the time a guy threatened to kick his ass for being a douche. Yeah, this. I have a good friend (who owns a gun) who likes to talk about how he’d like to go back and pull a gun on the guys who bullied him in grade school. Okay, fine, he never says he’d actually shoot them, although he does claim he’d shoot a home invader. This guy is the nicest guy in the world, and if people really did invade his home, I’m firmly convinced that he’d be much more likely to make them a cup of coffee and listen to their life stories (especially if they were friends of his kids) than actually shoot them. I’m really surprised by everyone who’s calling these people evil for something they didn’t do, and have no history of doing. Maybe they’re not people you’d voluntarily socialize with, sure. (There are definitely people who look side-eyed at my friend when he says crap like that, and who don’t hang out with him because of it. I just roll my eyes.) But evil? Come on. ---
**Author:** ![Roundabout](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dec6dc/32.png) [@Roundabout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roundabout)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/76 "2014-01-21T20:31:19Z")
> [@Magiver](#): > > definitely but have you ever talked with someone who got screwed over by: fill in the blank\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Passion tends to run high on the subject and is best to steer the conversation towards something else. Well I can only hope it was a heat of the moment thing, and not the person’s actual stance on home defense. A genuine eagerness to kill is just disturbing. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/77 "2014-01-21T20:53:18Z")
> [@sugar\_and\_spice](#): > > So I guess it depends on what your goal is. Do you care if you cause a scene at parties? Then just keep doing what you’re doing. The alternatives are (a) don’t pursue conversations when they start to go in a direction you don’t like, or (b) don’t go to parties attended by people you don’t like. I personally prefer (b) when it comes to family members, but I do (a) plenty often, and I don’t really consider it any huge sacrifice of my personal values. On the whole, I’d rather not cause a scene. But I’ll be damned before I keep my mouth shut when people are advocating murder in cold blood. Fuck that shit with a rusty chainsaw. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/78 "2014-01-21T21:05:52Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > I’m really surprised by everyone who’s calling these people evil for something they didn’t do, and have no history of doing. Maybe they’re not people you’d voluntarily socialize with, sure. (There are definitely people who look side-eyed at my friend when he says crap like that, and who don’t hang out with him because of it. I just roll my eyes.) But evil? Come on. I regard advocacy of murder in cold blood as evil. No, it’s not as evil as actually carrying out the killing. But advocating for evil things is still evil. And saying murder is an acceptable thing should be unacceptable in any sort of decent company. I don’t see how there’s an other side to this one. Really, you guys mystify me. ---
**Author:** ![Foxy40](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a9a28c/32.png) [@Foxy40](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Foxy40)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/79 "2014-01-21T21:06:35Z")
> [@GusNSpot](#): > > Seems like the OP does not like the brother or his wife. > > I can not imagine any of my siblings acting like either of these people in my parents home. > > This can not be a one off situation. The OP had to know that the SIL & Brother had this view point before this or she left the family for years with no contact for it to be a big surprise… IMO. > > How old are these 3 people? I have some vary different opinions with some of my siblings & things got really heated sometimes but no way no how would our parents not land on all parties in a situation like this. > > As I get older, I find that my family is much better than I ever imagined. This kind of disfunctionality is really incompressible to me. > > These two females should never allow themselves to be in the same space ever. > > I think they both need a spanking. … IMO I love my brother. And we’re fine over this. My SIL is a tad off but she’s always been a tad off and the rest of the family deal with her for my brother’s sake. I actually snapped at her earlier that day for using sign language to convey something to my brother (Neither are hearing impaired). I asked her to stop doing that and practice her skills at home since it is rude to do that in front of a room full of people and is akin to telling “secrets”. As far as my parents saying anything? We are all in our 40s so no, they wouldn’t reprimand us like children. Although my father did say that we should just drop the subject and I elected to simply leave. And no, it never occurred to me, as stupid as she is, that she would actually not only say, but defend her right to shoot the teenager that came into her house uninvited. I’ve dealt with their need to defend owning many guns and the uninformed claim that their employer’s healthcare is now through the roof so Obama can make a money to give healthcare for free to other people. I’ve tried to explain facts on these issues and sometimes I get through. However, this one, I think my head exploded after I asked for clarification and the same BS was throw back at me. Never in the same room again would be so nice, and not just over this incident. But alas, bro married her and she’ll be around whether I like it or not. (or my mother likes it or my sister likes it or family friends of years like it…etc) I actually think some people are jumping to the conclusion that we are at odds over this situation. We’re not. She’s not that bright and barely knows she got a slap down when I said “too”. Unless my brother explained it to her, she didn’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292/80 "2014-01-21T23:03:53Z")
It sounds like you both have trouble controlling your emotions. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-swallow-their-bs-theyre-family/679292.md?page=5)