# Please tell me about a wake **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 1, 2005, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-tell-me-about-a-wake/292475 "2005-03-01T19:12:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2005, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-tell-me-about-a-wake/292475/1 "2005-03-01T19:12:53Z")
A family member has recently passed away, and I will be attending the wake. However, I’ve never been to a wake before, and don’t know what to expect, or what’s expected from me. I’m sure they’re all different, so I’m not looking for a factual answer (hence, this thread is in IMHO). If you could share a wake experience, I’d appreciate it. Thanks, ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2005, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-tell-me-about-a-wake/292475/2 "2005-03-01T19:25:09Z")
I’ve been to a couple of wakes, and they are like a normal party, only with more sadness and stories. People stand around, eating and drinking and talking. I’ve only been to one wake with dancing, and that was because she had several favorite choreographies and we did them in her honor. Occasionally, especially for very old people, people brought pictures of the deceased and told stories about what they were doing at the time. I think that was mostly to make the life of the person real to the kids who were present. I’m sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2005, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-tell-me-about-a-wake/292475/3 "2005-03-01T19:34:06Z")
I’ve been to a couple. They were at funeral homes, and did not include food or anything like that. Basically everybody’s in a room with the body (open or closed casket), and people stand or sit around talking about family matters, the deceased person, etc. Any flowers that may have been sent are displayed near the casket. People may point out who sent which flowers, and thank you for the flowers, if you sent any. It’s customary to go up to the casket and either pray or look somber / bow your head for a few moments. If the deceased was Catholic there may be a low bench for kneeling while you pray. There may be a guest book that you sign when you go in. If the deceased was Catholic there may be a little basket of cards near the guest book – these are mass cards – you’re supposed to take one and keep to use as a bookmark in a prayer book (I’m not Catholic and didn’t know this the first time I saw them). Wear something somber to the wake. I’m sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2005, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-tell-me-about-a-wake/292475/4 "2005-03-02T00:20:55Z")
That isnt a wake, that is a viewing, wakes are after the planting of the corpse in the dirt [or whatever ceremnoy they happen to have] Wakes are the ‘baked meats’ in a home or resteraunt/banquet facility. I have been to a very sad, serious one … people wanderin around or sitting around eating and talking in quiet voices. I have been to my uncles, where he had it outdoors at a park, with an activity advisor - baseball, bocci, horseshoes, swiming, badmitten, and a couple corners with different musics playing, and a ton of food…more like a family/friend reunion rather than a traditional wake - he had been very ill with cancer for several years and thought that peole should not be upset that he was dead, but should think more about people that are still alive and able to share experiences. He felt that the body was a shell, and he would just come around again eventually. He had invitations lists of lots of people, including instructions for some people to make up with people they had been fighting with for years - notes to each of them telling them that no matter what the problem was, they could resolve it while they were alive rather than wish they had done it after one was gone. YMMV. Most people have the baked meats and quiet somber thang going. I plan on throwing a party like my uncle did=) ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2005, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-tell-me-about-a-wake/292475/5 "2005-03-02T00:30:33Z")
Well I’ve heard the pre-burial thing referred to both as a wake and as a viewing. So I guess Earthworm Jim will know he’s going to something before or after the burial, whatever it’s called. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2005, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-tell-me-about-a-wake/292475/6 "2005-03-02T02:08:52Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > That isnt a wake, that is a viewing, wakes are after the planting of the corpse in the dirt [or whatever ceremnoy they happen to have] In contemporary American society (or at least where I come from, which is NYC) wake and viewing are usually synonymous. However, in some traditions, particularly Irish, a wake is a meal or party held after the burial. From [here](http://www.answers.com/topic/funeral): > [@](#): > > Within the United States, in most cultural groups and regions, the funeral rituals have been divided into three principal parts: > > ``` > * a "viewing" or "wake" in which the embalmed body of the deceased person is placed on display in the coffin or today most often called a casket. At the viewing, the friends and relations greet the more distant relatives and friends of the dead person(s) in a social gathering with little in the way of ritual. The viewing often takes place on one or two evenings before the funeral. The only prescribed aspects of this gathering are that frequently the attendees sign a book kept by the decedent's survivors to record who attended and that the attendees are expected to view the decedent's body in the coffin. . . The viewing typically takes place at a funeral home, which is equipped with gathering rooms where the viewing can be conducted. . . > > * a memorial service, which is sometimes referred to on its own as a funeral and is often officiated by a member of the clergy of the decedent's or bereaved's religion. . . > > * a burial service, conducted at the side of the grave, tomb, or mausoleum or at the crematorium, at which the body of the decedent is buried or cremated at the conclusion. > > * a light dinner (sometimes called a wake) follows the burial service in some traditions. This is sometimes prepared by women's committees of the decedent's church. Among those of Irish descent a wake is often quite extended and may include much drinking. > > ``` In my family, which is mostly Irish-American, we always referred to the viewing as the wake. However, we do always gather afterwards for a meal, either a restaurant or at a family members home, but we don’'t call it a wake. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2005, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-tell-me-about-a-wake/292475/7 "2005-03-02T02:43:46Z")
**Basic Rules** by Shirley Ujest. f this is your first showing ( as my husbands family refers to it as, like the deceased is a car on sale “Oooh, Look dear, the buicks are in early this year!” ) dress up ( no, not as King Lear) but iron your chino’s and a nice shirt as a way to show respect for those that died and those that survive. However, if you are just coming from work and have no time to change into Funeral Attire, that is fine. That will mean alot more to the family than you will ever know. When you get there, do your meet and greet with the survivors first. It will be uncomfortable as all hell, but all you really need to say is, " I am so sorry. X will be missed…" Keeping it simple is all you really need to do. The family will take over from there in the incessant babbling. It is nervous energy. They won’t keep you pinned down too long, they will be distracted easily by new people arriving. If it wasn’t a particularly brutal death ( hit by a mack truck/addiction/murder/wasting disease) pay a sincere compliment about the stiff in the casket. I mean, the deceased. It gives the family a sense of comfort that cannot be explained. When my brother Tom died, he was in horrible shape physically, but more so emotionally, and it really showed in his long ZZTop beard, unkept hair and general black cloud that hung around him. (It still does two years later in his old bedroom.) The part I dreaded more than anything else was seeing him in the casket. (It is so fucking morbid. but now I understand why they do such things…) and I creeped in like a kid to brace myself for this soul searing moment. Well, the funeral home people gave him a hair cut, the beard was gone and with a little cosmetics to give his 5 year bedridden pale skin some color, he looked utterly fantastic. You would have to have seen the before and afters to understand how much of a pleasant shock that was. I joked with the Funeral Lady that they should open a Spa during the slow time during the day. She quipped back, " Only the front of their hair would get done." HAH! Back on Topic: Make sure you sign the registry thingie and instead of giving flowers, make a donation to a cause of the deceased. It means more to the family than you will ever know. You can take the time to catch up with other people you haven’t seen, but remember, it is not a social club or a business-networking thingie. At least not in the Dead Room. Out in the hallway is where you conduct business, capeche. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2005, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-tell-me-about-a-wake/292475/8 "2005-03-02T03:17:09Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > At least not in the Dead Room. Out in the hallway is where you conduct business, capeche. This is where you also go to tell jokes. At most wakes I’ve been to, even close family members end up coming outside for a break and tell a few jokes, just to break the mood a little. And of course, because your not supposed to, everyone ends up wanting to laugh really really bad but trying to stiffle it so the folks still inside won’t hear. ---
**Author:** ![RumMunkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@RumMunkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RumMunkey)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2005, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-tell-me-about-a-wake/292475/9 "2005-03-02T14:58:47Z")
> [@](#): > > … wakes are after the planting of the corpse in the dirt… Not historically, anyway. Wakes were originally done before modern science had a good handle on people being ‘dead’ vs. people in a coma, so the wake was developed as a last chance fdor the dealy departed to “wake” if they weren’t in fact, dead. Cite: “[Now You Know: The Book of Answers](http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/ASIN/1550024612/qid=1109776449/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl/701-4101859-2267560)” by Doug Lennox.