# Please, VOTE!! in the SDMB Short Fiction Contest, October 2011 Edition - Anthology Thread! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 8, 2011, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993 "2011-10-08T13:54:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Quarter\_Lane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/c68b51/32.png) [@Quarter\_Lane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quarter_Lane)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/61 "2011-10-18T01:04:39Z")
As was the problem when I signed up to write for this contest, I’m rapidly running out of time, so I went ahead and voted, and will get to making comments on individual stories as soon as I get time. Thanks to everyone who has commented so far. This turned out to be an interesting writing prompt, and I’m loving all the different ways the stories are going. ---
**Author:** ![Barkis\_is\_Willin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a183cd/32.png) [@Barkis\_is\_Willin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barkis_is_Willin)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/62 "2011-10-18T02:39:19Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Thanks for the advice everybody. I think it’s a little late in life for me to learn how to write fiction. But I’ll consider entering again next year and see if I can apply these tips. I expect I’ll lose the creative component if I actually think about what I’m doing. I tried to expand my piece here initially and just made it worse. What I sent in was shorter than what I started with. > > I’d like to offer a comment about several of the pieces, please don’t take this as criticism; Not everybody on earth is named Trevor, or has a name that begins with G or J. > > I really enjoyed all your stories. I’m jealous of the ability of some of you to write dialogue. I think dialogue has been difficult for some of the best writers. And where I praised it in my comments, I was sincere (and\*\* Barkis\*\*, I didn’t mean to sound critical of yours, it was an inartful attempt at a compliment). I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that (believe it or not, I talk a lot like the way I post, so I don’t have much to work with). Aside from the parts about coffee and explicit sex, my comments on your pieces were real (well include most of the sex, I always like that in a story, great work with yours **chrisk**. And\*\* Elfkin\*\*, you really should finish the first part of your story:)) I bet you can’t even name three people whose names don’t begin with G or J. And no worries, I think I took your comments the way they were meant. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/63 "2011-10-18T17:10:02Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > I really enjoyed all your stories. I’m jealous of the ability of some of you to write dialogue… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that (believe it or not, I talk a lot like the way I post, so I don’t have much to work with). I note that you didn’t participate in the discussion after the last short fiction contest, so you probably missed my comments on how I write dialogue. Anyway, if you’re interested, you can [have a look](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=14048750&postcount=54). ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/64 "2011-10-19T15:03:00Z")
Thanks **Spoons**. I haven’t looked at any of the contest threads before this one. Now I have a lot to read. I’d have to start listening carefully to people’s wording instead of their meaning in the future to get anywhere, and I’m not sure I’ll ever get to that. I’d like to participate in this again, but I’m afraid I may have already done my best this time. My observation on dialogue in literature is that it’s extremely difficult to do for any author. It’s rarely realistic in the word for word sense, but instead carefully integrated into the narration to evoke a sense of genuine speech. But the stuff in quotes has to sound like it’s been spoken instead of composed. I’ll be eternally impressed by the Grand Master of dialogue in my eyes, that Clemens guy. One thing I always recall is Jim’s story of bank started by a fellow slave in Huck Finn. I think he may have actually heard that story from someone, or it is just another sign of his brilliance. (interesting note, there doesn’t seem to have been any dialogue in your story for that contest) ---
**Author:** ![Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/le_ministre_de_l_au-dela/32/12181_2.png) [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Ministre_de_l_au-dela)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/65 "2011-10-19T15:12:18Z")
The people who do the best dialogue are playwrights and script writers. It’s a huge challenge, to convey (and conceal) information from the audience while allowing the story to unfold naturally. If you really want to learn about writing dialogue, study scripts. Or take a course/seminar/masterclass with some theatre based writers. Even if you don’t end up writing plays or scripts, you’ll become more comfortable with writing dialogue. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/66 "2011-10-19T16:11:25Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Thanks **Spoons**. ..but I’m afraid I may have already done my best this time. That is simply wrong. Writing takes practice, and the more you practice the better you will get. Whether you are a painter, sculptor, singer, dancer, actor, musician, photographer or writer, you need to practice in any of the arts to become better. There are no short cuts. Yes, some people seem to have more talent in a particular field - that is why they choose to do what they do, and _practice_ doing it. Granted, there are people who will practice their craft their entire life and not be great, but even the worst of the lot will get better over time. But you do have to have a passion for what you are doing, and study and practice are the keys to mastering whichever field of art you choose. Regarding writing dialogue, that is a different style of writing. Ask any actor and they can tell you if a script is written well. Why? Because the words ring true to their character without exception. The writer has to know their characters inside and out, and know what they would, and would not, say. When writing dialogue (which my story has very little this time), you have to embody the character and imagine exactly what they are thinking when they say anything. If you have ever been to a first reading of a script, one of the most common complaints of actors to writers is “my character would never say that!” The actor can feel this when they get into character, and sometimes the author might not have noticed while writing that bit of dialogue. This is why that first, live reading of a script is so important (practice) for the script writer. What often looks great on paper just doesn’t ring true when spoken. Back to the drawing board, and usually, a better character is developed. One thing I can guarantee you is that every successful writer will tell you their work has gone through multiple, and sometimes drastic, changes. If you ever read the first draft of any book or manuscript, and then read the final version, you will be amazed how much has changed. Write, re-write, edit, re-write and then re-write again. (This is, however, why many great scripts turn into garbage when you see it on stage/on screen - a committee has taken over and ruined the original. Hollywood is notorious for ruining what were great original scripts by changing every aspect of the original.) One of the reasons I love doing these short stories is that I have a bit of OCD when it comes to writing and will overdo it. I will fiddle and tweak for days/months/years/decades on things I have written. I have to get over that! Thus, for these writing contests I have started to give myself only three hours to start and complete it. I need the practice of getting something completed with a deadline - and then STOP! I think it is helping me quite a bit. So, in my case it is: practice, practice and more practice in learning when to stop. ---
**Author:** ![Woeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Woeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Woeg)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/67 "2011-10-19T17:15:02Z")
Hey all, just dropping in to say I plan to review the rest of the stories, but I’m a bit slammed workwise so I’ll have to get to it when I can. I really wish I could find the time to commit to these contests - I always send the email because I really want to join in, but I inevitably get hit by some mess or another and am unable to sit and write. So frustrating! Tripolar, PLEASE do not give up on writing! Your style is very lyrical, VERY beautiful to read - a little polish, and it’d be even more amazing. Thanks again to all the writers for their submissions - hopefully next time, I’ll have one to share as well! ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/68 "2011-10-19T19:13:16Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > That is simply wrong. > Writing takes practice, and the more you practice the better you will get. > Whether you are a painter, sculptor, singer, dancer, actor, musician, photographer or writer, you need to practice in any of the arts to become better. There are no short cuts. Ok, geez, sorry 🙂 I’m not exactly giving up, having never really started. But I’ll try again next time this contest comes up. > [@Woeg](#): > > Tripolar, PLEASE do not give up on writing! Your style is very lyrical, VERY beautiful to read - a little polish, and it’d be even more amazing. Thank you, but I’d chalk it up to beginner’s luck. And I’m sure somehow I’m imitating something that I can’t clearly identify. ---
**Author:** ![xenophon41](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xenophon41/32/253_2.png) [@xenophon41](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xenophon41)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/69 "2011-10-19T19:21:56Z")
Emulation of styles you enjoy reading is a _good_ thing, even if you can’t fully analyze exactly what you’re imitating. At least you’ll be able to analyze your own stuff in terms of intent. The nice thing about group exercises is the peer feedback on whether you’ve created the reader response you’re looking for. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/70 "2011-10-19T19:25:50Z")
> [@xenophon41](#): > > The nice thing about group exercises is the peer feedback on whether you’ve created the reader response you’re looking for. Yes it is. And that’s the greatest incentive to try again. ---
**Author:** ![jackdavinci](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackdavinci/32/3259_2.png) [@jackdavinci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackdavinci)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/71 "2011-10-19T23:32:50Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > I’d like to participate in this again, but I’m afraid I may have already done my best this time. I think your writing and ideas are just fine. In this particular case, which resembled a meditation or character study rather than a traditional plot, and with rather long descriptive sentences that were harder to read in paragraph form, I just thought it would have worked better as a poem - maybe split up each sentence’s fragments into individual lines. If it had been split up into lines, and entered in last month’s poetry contest I would have voted for it. That’s more of a categorical issue than a writing one. ---
**Author:** ![chrisk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@chrisk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chrisk)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/72 "2011-10-20T00:12:42Z")
Okay, I finally got through reading, just in time for the end of the judging, and - wow, we had a lot of really good stories this time through! Here’s my rough thoughts, feel free to ask followup questions: T-shirt Junction: Fun story, certainly - a bit on the whimsical side, but I certainly enjoyed reading it. The Halloween Kegger: Some interesting stuff here, but it doesn’t quite gel. I do like the first scene with Tracey, and how that comes around to bite Gil in the butt. The ending sort of fizzles - after all that buildup, I want to see Gil try something else to save his counter-party instead of just letting it break up for the lack of a tap. And, as someone else suggested, a punchier fate for the keg would be great - something that sees it dropping from a great height and busting wide open would be great. That’s just my thought. Buona Fortuna! I liked this a lot, it was fun stuff, but I had to admit, I got distracted wondering just how the store lottery would work with punch cards. Was it anything like a scratch and win? That’s the only thing I can think of to compare how it was described, but on the other hand, a punch doesn’t let you see something that was underneath the way scratching does. Boys Night Out: I like the notion of the boys being haunted by pulling the coins out of the stump, but somehow I don’t _feel_ how they were haunted, and without that sensation coming through, the rest of the story just falls flat. Sparks: Somehow this one just didn’t grab me, and I’m not quite sure why not. The History of a Tough Motherfucker (thank you Charles Bukowski): I’m not really sure what this one is supposed to be about: the elements aren’t pointing in the same direction On My Way Home: Very mellow and contemplative, not much happens. But good description Bethlehem, Ontario: Spooky, i like it: but there’s a sense of time jumping that was also a little off and I’d suggest reworking that. Redeeming Marzie Hennessey: Nice, and a story that I want to give more thought to, which is really high praise, come to think of it. A night in the woods: Powerful, and i like the open ending - but in my heart I know Suzie woke up 🙂 The Judas Tree: Great stuff! I could see the end coming by the time the narrator went out to the tree for the second time. Wouldn’t scratching over a name be more likely to ensure an untimely end to that person, than lift the curse. And I have a pet peeve over first person stories where we’re never told the name of the narrator, just because it becomes hard to discuss them as characters or relate to them, but I couldn’t really hold that against this story - or the werewolf erotica fake-out opening. Collecting a coin in time: Time travel stories are often very difficult to tell well - you’ve got a lot of great elements here, but i found it a little hard to follow. As Luck Would Have It: I liked reading this a lot! So, there you are. I voted for: T-shirt Junction Bethlehem, Ontario Redeeming Marzie Hennessey A night in the woods The Judas Tree As Luck Would Have It ---
**Author:** ![chrisk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@chrisk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chrisk)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/73 "2011-10-20T01:00:28Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > For you, and all the other authors, I’d be very interested in hearing about your ‘process’ in coming up with your stories. Well, let’s see how much of it I can reconstruct this time. I remember sitting and puzzling over the picture, and actually doing research, because I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Incidentally, I think it’s interesting how many different takes we had on the stump and the coins. Once I came upon a reference to killing a tree stump by hammering copper coins into it, I kinda got the idea for the old-fashioned rural ‘clearing party’, with the record player, and people working hard, (perspiring,) and killing the stump. And I knew that I wanted to include a teenage boy trying to impress a girl, because I had a similar dynamic in my story for the Valentine’s day themed contest, and that went over well with some other readers - I’ve rewritten and expanded it by now. And yes, as somebody mentioned, I just shoehorned in the word ‘bizarre’ where I thought it would best fit. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/74 "2011-10-20T01:12:19Z")
> [@chrisk](#): > > Wouldn’t scratching over a name be more likely to ensure an untimely end to that person, than lift the curse. I suppose that depends on whether or not you think she caused the accident in the first place. Anyone out there still need to vote? I think you have a little over an hour left if you do 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/le_ministre_de_l_au-dela/32/12181_2.png) [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Ministre_de_l_au-dela)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/75 "2011-10-20T03:07:19Z")
With the close of the poll, our September/October 2011 Short Fiction Contest has come to an end. First of all, a warm round of applause and my heartiest congratulations to our writers - **jackdavinci Barkis is Willin’ chrisk DMark Hrududu Quarter Lane Bohomite TriPolar Le Ministre de l’au-delà xenophon41 Puddleglum Elfkin477 GIGObuster** and **Spoons** - take a well deserved bow, everybody! And my very special congratulations to **jackdavinci** , whose intriguing story _T-shirt Junction_ was a clear favourite. Bravo! A big hand, everyone! I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the Mods for their ongoing support. Twickster’s help was most welcome, and I am once again grateful. I would also like to thank all those who took the time to read, vote and comment on the stories - on behalf of all the writers, we really appreciate your respectful and thoughtful advice. I hope to run another of the Short Fiction Contests around the end of November, 2011. In the meantime, if anyone is interested, I want to do another Poetry Sweatshop around the end of October. Meanwhile, please continue to discuss the stories and comment on them - it is very helpful for all of the writers to see how people reacted to their writing. ---
**Author:** ![Barkis\_is\_Willin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a183cd/32.png) [@Barkis\_is\_Willin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barkis_is_Willin)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/76 "2011-10-20T12:59:02Z")
Congrats, **jackdavinci**! Thanks again to the writers, readers, voters and commenters. And thanks, **Le Ministre de l’au-delà** for handling the logistics. I had fun writing and reading and enjoyed the feedback. Although poetry is really not my bag, I’ll definitely try to get in the next short fiction contest. ---
**Author:** ![chrisk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@chrisk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chrisk)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/77 "2011-10-20T15:23:53Z")
Replies to people who commented on my story. > [@Barkis\_is\_Willin](#): > > “Paying the Stump” featured a lot of good dialogue. I like that. Thank you! > [@jackdavinci](#): > > Paying the Stump, post #4 > Cute teenage love story. The setting was interesting. The only thing that didn’t work for me was the ending - the idea was good, but the dialogue seemed a little stilted or harsh. > Voted for this. Thank you very much for your vote! I’ll take a good look at the dialog in the end when I revise. > [@Woeg](#): > > #3) Paying the Stump. > > Overview: A sweet, simple romance, a story of budding young love. I liked the fact that there was nothing overly dramatic or incredibly pressing about this story - so often, writers try to overcomplicate a story, getting lost in their own cleverness, when a simple tale would have been far more satisfying. Even though this is not a genre I typically have interest in, I found the story sweet and nice to read. > > Use of words and picture: All three words are used. Bizarre seems a little out of place, for reasons mentioned in my critique below. The picture is used, and fits naturally into the overall story even if it isn’t the focus of the tale. > > Critique: There are a few suggestions I would make that I think would really make this story stronger, without drastically changing the impact of what it is - the story of a young man courting a young woman by way of honest work. Let me start with what makes the story feel a little clunky to me. First, change the title to “Feeding the Stump” - as nothing the characters do is referred to as paying. Second, when the characters get to the point that they are getting ready to hammer the coins into the stump, it feels awkward and unrealistic that the farm boy doesn’t know what they are doing or why. It is especially jarring that his “city slicker” sister-in-law has a better understanding of it than he does - these “clearing parties” seem to be a common thing, and you’d think he’d have run in to it before. Third, the ending feels a little clumsy - sweet, but kind of out of nowhere in relation to the rest of the story. These last two points could be easily cleared up with a little restructuring of the characters. Instead of having the protagonist be a farm boy, have him be a city kid who is spending a long break with his brother and sister, who live in farm country. Start the tale with him waking up early to do chores willingly, to the surprise of his brother and sister-in-law, because he knows that later he’s going to see this pretty girl he has developed a crush on. When he gets there, set up the last line of the story by having the protagonist trying to do something and not succeeding, and being told that he can learn if he tries - maybe the brother of the girl he wants to woo shows him how the task is done. When you get to the part of the stump, having the exposition come from the sister-in-law and the lady of his desire comes a lot more naturally, if the protagonist is the “outsider looking in”. And having the story end with the girl impressed that the “soft city boy” really pulled his weight, and offering to dance with him (You can learn if you try) would really put a nice bookend to the whole story. Good point with the title - I should either change that or change the terminology used in the story, I just lost track of the fact that they were out of sync. The city kid angle isn’t where I thought I was going here, but it might fit. Thanks for the suggestion! > [@puddleglum](#): > > Paying the Stump - The idea of a clearing party seems strange. The setting is very 50’s but the sensibility seems modern. I think I was flailing for a 50s sensibility and entirely missing it. Where would I go to get a handle on writing a period piece for at least 15 years before I was born, I wonder? (Or should I not bother.) Are there good writers I should look up for this, especially 50s countryside sensibility? > [@xenophon41](#): > > **Paying the Stump** (post #4) > Use of mandatory words: all three are used incidentally in the story > Use of theme photo: the concept is used literally and without apparent supernatural aspect in the story, and its use is integral to the story > Comments: Would make a decent slice of life prelude to a coming of age story. The invitation to dance at the end seemed to be less of a result from the efforts of the protagonist than a natural consequence of mutual adolescent attraction. > Constructive Criticisms: I thought the clearing party scenes were well rendered, but the opening at the farmhouse seemed a bit perfunctory. Thanks. I’ll consider the opening for some revision as well. > [@TriPolar](#): > > Paying the Stump - Post #4 > Good expression of a relationship between brothers. But it has coffee. Coffee bad. I’m not a fan of coffee myself, but I guess it just slipped into the tale! I’m glad that you liked the brother dynamic. > [@TriPolar](#): > > Paying the Stump > > This story did a good job in quickly conveying the relationship between the brothers, and between Sarah and Mom. The best part of it was the allegorical sexual act of Tim driving the penny into the stump while it was held between Janet’s fingers. The remainder of the story becomes the post-coital cigarette. I would only criticize the beginning of the story, which failed to have Tim bursting into Trevor and Sarah’s room to find them engaged in an acrobatic sex act. Ooh, that’s a nice idea for the opening, actually! (And I missed the subtext of the hammering myself, at least consciously. 😉 ) > [@Barkis\_is\_Willin](#): > > **Paying the Stump** (Post 4) > > What I liked. The dialoge, for sure, kept things interesting. The concept was good, the budding romance was fun to follow. The ending was perfect. Overall, it’s a nice, well written story. > > Critique: The dude has a purse. The story was a little cheesy, but I wish it would have focused more on the main character’s attempts at romance. Otherwise, it was very nice. Thanks. The purse thing I just realized may have been the wrong term. I was talking about the pocket in a man’s wallet where you put spare change. > [@DMark](#): > > Playing The Stump > Introduction 15 – sort of ho-hum. Didn’t really grab me and tell me much to get interested in what was about to happen. > Body 27 – this is where you start to get really good at descriptive use of words and imagery. I could see the location and I got to know about the shy boy and his crush on the girl he thought didn’t know he liked her. It was a sweet story, and although some more flirting would have been fun, you did a good job of creating mood and opportunity. > Conclusion 30 – you wrapped the story up beautifully. Let the dance begin. > Rating 8 – slow start, but once you got going, it grew on me. > Total 80 Thank you very much for your comments, and your grade! ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/78 "2011-10-20T16:25:16Z")
Congrats, j **ackdavinci** i! Also, thank you to all of you who wrote comments about my story. I really appreciated the feedback. A few comments about my story: It was total fiction, but there were a few true elements - my grandmother did speak Italian (my grandfather didn’t) and grandma cussed like an angry drunk sailor when she would speak Italian. I found out what those words meant when I went to the Italian speaking part of Switzerland and repeated what grandma used to say, much to the shock of my Italian speaking friends. There really was a three-legged, half-blind dog in my hometown, but it was a nasty, mean little dog and nobody ever got near it. There was really a billiard hall as I described, and as a teenager I would go in there to look at the porn magazines. The punch card and big radio win was true - my father won it at the American Legion hall. And this punch card was about the size of a Kindle, had teeny tiny rolled up papers in the card and you used a pin to punch out one of the piece of paper. If it said, “Jackpot”, you won whatever the prize was for that card. That radio did get shortwave, and I would fiddle with it to hear stations in languages I didn’t understand. So, although I grabbed from many memories of my youth, the story was new and original and not really based on any great truths. Again, thank you all for your comments on the story. Sorry more people didn’t vote in this contest (as usual), but happy to see the discussion afterward. I have an idea to get more people to read our stories Next time, use these three words: Kittens Hobbit Bacon and then have a porn photo as inspiration. Those elements should attract the most readers, based upon popularity of threads! At any rate, thanks again and a special huge thanks to **Le Ministre de l’au-delà** for organizing this once again. A job well done! ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/79 "2011-10-20T18:45:48Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > (interesting note, there doesn’t seem to have been any dialogue in your story for that contest) No, that one was rather experimental–I was trying to write a story without dialogue. Have a look at my other stories in other contests, and you’ll see how often I use it. Congratulations, **jackdavinci**! That is a fine story, and you deserve the win! And thanks to all who took the time to comment on mine–your comments are helpful and much appreciated. And of course, many thanks to **Le Ministre** , for organizing and running the contest! ---
**Author:** ![jackdavinci](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackdavinci/32/3259_2.png) [@jackdavinci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackdavinci)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993/80 "2011-10-20T20:44:49Z")
Thanks everyone! You made my week! 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/please-vote-in-the-sdmb-short-fiction-contest-october-2011-edition-anthology-thread/598993.md?page=5)