# Pointless Ways You'd Blow Billions of Dollars **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 23, 2002, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475 "2002-12-23T03:28:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/1 "2002-12-23T03:28:36Z")
Inspired by **RiverRunner** ’s comment in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=151620). **RR** makes the comment that watching the battleships _Bismarck_ and _Yamato_ battle it out would have been something to see, I read that and thought, “Now _there’s_ something for Bill Gates to spend his money on!” So let’s say you had a nearly limitless supply of cash, and that after spending an appropriate amount on doing charitable things and the like, you decide for the sheer joy of it, you’re going to blow it on massive, pointless things for the sheer spectacle of it. What would you do? Build giant mechs to battle one another? Put plastic wrap around the entire coast of the US? Me? I’d build a space station in orbit around the Earth, just so I could hurl things into the atmosphere and watch them burn up! ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/2 "2002-12-23T03:32:58Z")
Me? I’d build me a house in space. And another one under the sea. And another one in Antarctica. I’d also pay all my favorite writers stupid amounts of money so they’d continue to write good books. Oh, and I’d order a time machine, go back in time, and cure Chaucer’s fatal illness so I could _finally_ read the rest of the Caunterbury Tales. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/3 "2002-12-23T03:43:50Z")
I would hire the world’s navies to end the whale question once and for all by hunting down and killing every last one of them. Orca and Porpus, too. Can’t stand having a fish and a mammal both named dolphin. The fish was probably here first, right? So, he gets to keep the dolphin name. Hi Wonko! ---
**Author:** ![hegel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/cab0a1/32.png) [@hegel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hegel)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/4 "2002-12-23T03:49:18Z")
I’d bribe Cecil to make a public appearance. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![SmileyDeath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb8c5e/32.png) [@SmileyDeath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmileyDeath)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/5 "2002-12-23T03:53:26Z")
Buy russia. ---
**Author:** ![Blackeyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f6c823/32.png) [@Blackeyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackeyes)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/6 "2002-12-23T03:56:26Z")
I’d find out what a Cleveland Steamer really was. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/7 "2002-12-23T04:01:12Z")
OK. I give. What’s the reference to Cleveland Steamer? ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/8 "2002-12-23T04:02:39Z")
1. I would fund a space shuttle mission that wouls spread some particles that would dift down into the upper atmosphere to make a spectacular fireworks show. 2. I would buy two KC-135s (Air Force tanker planes), fill 'em up, install remote controls, and smash 'em head on over the desest. 3. Fund a huge space program, and rearrange the features on the moon to make a huge smiley face visible with the naked eye from earth. 4. My personal vehicle would be a chauffer-driven M1 Abrams tank. 5. Have a Nimitz-class carrier built in Lake Michigan. 6. Figure out a way to crash two planets together, if research showed the Earth would survive it. 7. Buy a cheese hat for every person on earth, and give every person on earth 50 grand if they would wear it 24 hours every day for 5 years. Offer everyone a one-time 10K payoff if they can prove someone else _isn’t_ wearing theirs. 8. Offer every head of state $5 mil if they would jerk off on CNN. Pay someone else to actually watch and keep track. 9. Offer survivalist groups huge subsidies to build underground bunkers, and stay underground for a year. During that year, hire every heavy equipmeny operator on earth to bury the bunker entrances. I find this an inspiring thread! ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/9 "2002-12-23T04:14:36Z")
I would do a few things. 1st- launch a private space program and create a large orbiting habitat. Huge. We’re talking the size of an aircraft carrier. And no pussy footing around, I want Sci-Fi folks and artists in on the design. 2nd- Hire a massive mercenary army. 3- From orbit, in my safely defended (did I mention the military equipment?) orbital home, direct the large scale conquering of Africa. I’m talking huge, I want to wipe out all opposition and create one united nation that I am in charge of. Wipe out any and all opposition. 4- Stabilize the economy, standardize money, language, measurements and schooling. Build infrastructure. Wipe out those that oppose me. 5- Begin funding the development of Martian terra-forming. Land a private industry craft on mars that proclaims the land in a 200 mile radius to be owned by me. Prepare children to take on that challenge. 6- For fun, destroy economies of countries that denounce my actions in Africa. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/10 "2002-12-23T04:15:16Z")
In Soviet Russia, Russia buys _you_. I’d buy large amounts of land in the Rockies and the Pacific Northwest. Then I’d build for myself massive underground bunkers with secret plans and multiple contractors who don’t interact with each other at all. They’d work in shifts from plans that leave gaps in places other contractors are working on. It would contain enough `creative architecture’ to make the Winchester Mansion look like a Modern, rational abode. The bunkers would contain a massive, redundant Beowulf cluster of machines ranging from Crays to beefed-up desktop machines. The whole complex would be radiation and blast hardened. It would contain provisions for indefinite survival fully sealed off, including hydroponics tanks, water and air filtration systems, and nuclear power augmented by fuel cells. Then I’d write for myself a massively parallel Linux, capable of handling that Beowulf cluster. It would be able to control bizarre peripherals, like robot arms and automated guided missile batteries. It would be controlled from different places, ranging from simple teletypes to full-immersion VR systems, scattered throughout my complex. The computer system would have full communications access in parts, but be cut off completely in others. Uhh… ever read _Friday_? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/11 "2002-12-23T04:34:28Z")
I’d build myself a Palace. Not a crappy Taj Mahal or Westminster Palace kind of place but a huuuuuuge monument to the greatness of me. The entrance hall would look like the room with all the columns in the Mines of Moria but much bigger. It would finally put an end to the question of what man-made objects are visible from space, cause the WolfmanSchloss would dwarf them all. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![cherry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cherry)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/12 "2002-12-23T04:38:35Z")
For starters, I would look for the lockness monster and yetti and fund an expedition to mount everest and k2. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/13 "2002-12-23T04:40:12Z")
[Cleveland Steamer](http://www.tomorrowideation.com/getoffended/Shirtpages/cleveland.html) – _Not work friendly._ ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/14 "2002-12-23T04:41:47Z")
What is it? This is a method of breaking up with a significant other or a severe type of revenge. This is where, the couple have one last night of outstanding sex. As the significant other falls asleep the guilty party proceeds to very gently leave a massive pile of excrement (shit to you less educated soles) on the significant other’s chest.So we don’t all hammer the poor guy’s site, and because I don’t know the policies we have for linking to offensive material (that’s commercial, no less). ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/15 "2002-12-23T04:50:45Z")
I have to blow it? It has to be pointless? How about giving it to fund the “War on Drugs?” Donate it to Seti@home? Subsidize the oil industry? Fund a study into the health benefits of tobacco smoke? Subsidize the fast food industry because they provide “valuable job training & experience?” Day trade it on the stock market? Pay every congressman & senator’s salary? Buy a screwdriver from a government/military/aerospace contractor? ---
**Author:** ![happyheathen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5e925/32.png) [@happyheathen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/happyheathen)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/16 "2002-12-23T04:56:12Z")
Attack Iraq. Or France. Depends. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/17 "2002-12-23T04:57:54Z")
Make it France! Make it France! ---
**Author:** ![Blibbleblabble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ea924/32.png) [@Blibbleblabble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blibbleblabble)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/18 "2002-12-23T06:06:48Z")
You know those “Play Places” for kids at fast food restaurants? I’d buy a small country and fill the entire place with a play place so big that people can live there and go camping in the ‘play wilderness’. It would be strong enough for adults of course. ---
**Author:** ![Tony\_Montana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@Tony\_Montana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tony_Montana)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/19 "2002-12-23T06:07:04Z")
Build my own private female ninja army. Trained in ancient as well as modern weaponry just because…If an enemy got wise with me he’d get ninja slapped _hard_ BWAHAHAHAHA… ---
**Author:** ![Medievalist2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e19adc/32.png) [@Medievalist2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medievalist2)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2002, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475/20 "2002-12-23T06:44:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Super Gnat \* > \*\*Oh, and I’d order a time machine, go back in time, and cure Chaucer’s fatal illness so I could _finally_ read the rest of the Caunterbury Tales. \*\* I’d like to do that, too. I’d also like to save copies of various medieval works that scholars say once existed but are now lost. One of these is Chretien de Troyes’ version of the Tristan and Isolde story. The scholars know that Chretien wrote a Tristan romance because he refers to it in his other works, but no copies of it survive. Chretien also started to write a Holy Grail romance, but he never completed it. It would be interesting to see how it would have ended. I’d also like to see how Dickens would have ended his last novel, “The Mystery of Edwin Drood.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pointless-ways-youd-blow-billions-of-dollars/144475.md?page=2)