# "Polite" things that are actually impolite **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 15, 2016, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951 "2016-08-15T20:23:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 19
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/361 "2016-08-22T00:54:28Z")
I think that last point is key. If this were really a thing, it would be everywhere. Hell, when whatever channel did “My Great, Big, Gypsy Wedding,” I’m sure it would’vee been the cliffhanger to more than one season. More reality shows than you could shake a stick at would cover it and the whole entire internet would love to gape and gasp about the sordid details. So, once again… :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/362 "2016-08-22T10:29:13Z")
> [@Turpentine](#): > > That said, I do throw blood on people who wear white shoes after Labor Day, though, to teach 'em a lesson. They are animals, not people. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/363 "2016-08-22T12:41:11Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Bullshit. It is not that way for anyone else–or at least for anyone else who has ever posted on the Internet. You are literally the only human being who has ever made a post on the Internet that has this ridiculous and garbage view. > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Yup. A marriage that could be destroyed by any single word said at the wedding (short of calling out the name of the groom’s latest murder victim, whose corpse is stuffed into the box that you’re opening with a dramatic flourish) is not a “potentially happy marriage.” It’s a garbage marriage of two garbage people who shouldn’t sign the credit card receipt at a Denny’s, much less a marriage license. > > It’s remotely possible that ZPG Zealot has managed to build herself a community of these terrible, garbage people. But that requires people who are so terrible that they’d let their marriage be sundered by congratulating the bride, and also not nearly self-absorbed enough about it to whine on every bridezilla forum in existence. > > I don’t think this particular melding of human failure is plausible. You are rapidly departing the realm of civility in how you’re expressing your disagreement. Please tone it down some or take it to a more appropriate forum. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/364 "2016-08-22T13:20:40Z")
> [@](#): > > Quoth **cmyk** : > > I’m trying to imagine just what would happen if I told the bride “congratulations” for getting married in one of ZPG’s circle of thousands of friends and family. Most likely, what would happen would be that the bride would respond “thank you”. Just because **ZPG Zealot** thinks that most of her associates are toxic jerks, does not mean that they actually are. I’m pretty sure that she thinks that the entire human species are all toxic jerks, and would like for us to go extinct. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/365 "2016-08-22T14:23:13Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Divorce or Legal separation of the marriage or domestic partnership based on > (check one): > > 1. irreconcilable differences > 2. permanent legal incapacity to make decisions > 3. someone said “congratulations” to the bride before, during, or after the wedding" What is more tragic are the cases where this comes to light years afterwards. It’s not so bad when someone does it immediately because the groom and his family can actually not file the paperwork, and avoid the horrible dishonor of someone – or 80% of the guests – haven given a slight. There is no future for this couple. No, it’s the cases where this came out 40, 50 or 60 years later. Where a loving couple has raised a family together, had wonderful children, sacrificed for each other and found contentment. What a waste to have to throw all of that out because of one simply word decades in the past. People don’t realize what a cruel, horrible, terrible place the world can be. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/366 "2016-08-22T14:46:41Z")
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**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/367 "2016-08-22T15:25:10Z")
> [@cmyk](#): > > I’m trying to imagine just what would happen if I told the bride “congratulations” for getting married in one of ZPG’s circle of thousands of friends and family. > > Would the wedding party just balk at me in horror? > > Would the bride faint at such a monstrous, damning and damaging thing to say? > > Would the groom slap me across my cheek with his silken glove? > > Would I be run through by a trident? Depending on the circumstances you might lose a friend or a possibly a job or a chance at a promotion in certain circles. You would definitely get a nasty glare from members of the wedding and some people would mention your rudeness in loud whispers (you know they ones you’re supposed to hear). Some people might decide you’re trashy and choose not to associate with you because of it. In some situations, particular if the groom is sensitive about the bride’s reputation or her feelings, yeah, he would punch you (not use a silken glove). ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/368 "2016-08-22T15:34:38Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > I have to congratulate/offer best wishes to\*\* ZPG Zealot\*\* for staying with this, in spite of post after post disagreeing with her. > > Still, I have to ask, how can the intentional or unintentional rudeness of a guest offering congratulations to the bride “destroy a potential happy marriage”? > > I mean, I went to one wedding where members of the bride’s family were literally asking members of the groom’s family if they had accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. That seems like the height of rude behavior at a wedding, but that couple has managed to remain married for 40 years! Easy, the groom and the bride love each other, but the groom’s family doesn’t like the bride and have only very tentatively agreed to the marriage. Statements that compromise the bride’s reputation become the final nail in the coffin. It’s one thing to have the potential of a good marriage ruined by your decisions and mistakes. It’s a another far more nasty thing to have it ruined by slander and lies from someone else. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/369 "2016-08-22T16:00:08Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Depending on the circumstances you might lose a friend or a possibly a job or a chance at a promotion in certain circles. You would definitely get a nasty glare from members of the wedding and some people would mention your rudeness in loud whispers (you know they ones you’re supposed to hear). Some people might decide you’re trashy and choose not to associate with you because of it. In some situations, particular if the groom is sensitive about the bride’s reputation or her feelings, yeah, he would punch you (not use a silken glove). This is exactly the issue I have with 19th century weddings. I send the happy couple a silver tea service and my regrets at not being able to attend due to a touch of the consumption. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/370 "2016-08-22T16:01:12Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Easy, the groom and the bride love each other, but the groom’s family doesn’t like the bride and have only very tentatively agreed to the marriage. Statements that compromise the bride’s reputation become the final nail in the coffin. It’s one thing to have the potential of a good marriage ruined by your decisions and mistakes. It’s a another far more nasty thing to have it ruined by slander and lies from someone else. I can certainly see how members of a groom’s family can hate the bride and do everything they can to undermine the relationship, ultimately putting so much strain on it that it splits the couple. I just don’t say how sending various sisters, cousins, etc. through the receiving line, dripping sarcasm from each syllable of “congratulations” is any more offensive or damaging than dripping sarcasm from “I’m so happy…for YOU” or “SINCERELY, you have my best wishes.” Or, as I said upthread, “Bless your heart.” ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/371 "2016-08-22T16:10:13Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Depending on the circumstances you might lose a friend or a possibly a job or a chance at a promotion in certain circles. You would definitely get a nasty glare from members of the wedding and some people would mention your rudeness in loud whispers (you know they ones you’re supposed to hear). Some people might decide you’re trashy and choose not to associate with you because of it. In some situations, particular if the groom is sensitive about the bride’s reputation or her feelings, yeah, he would punch you (not use a silken glove). You live in an alternate universe. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/372 "2016-08-22T16:15:28Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Easy, the groom and the bride love each other, but the groom’s family doesn’t like the bride and have only very tentatively agreed to the marriage. Wait. Families have to “agree” on a marriage? Where? ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/373 "2016-08-22T16:19:14Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > I can certainly see how members of a groom’s family can hate the bride and do everything they can to undermine the relationship, ultimately putting so much strain on it that it splits the couple. I just don’t say how sending various sisters, cousins, etc. through the receiving line, dripping sarcasm from each syllable of “congratulations” is any more offensive or damaging than dripping sarcasm from “I’m so happy…for YOU” or “SINCERELY, you have my best wishes.” > > Or, as I said upthread, “Bless your heart.” This was so well said up thread, that I thought it bears repeating (bolding added): > [@Stanislaus](#): > > …\*\*there’s a point, I think, where the goal of etiquette is _precisely to make people feel out of place._ This is as distinct from manners (or what Chronos calls “real etiquette” below), which is more about maintaining civility and helping everyone get along. > > Using the correct fork, passing the port the correct way, saying “best wishes”, breaking bread with your hands, not the butter knife… these have nothing whatsoever to do with making people feel at ease. \*\*They’re shibboleths. The right kind of people know them, the wrong kind of people don’t. > \*\* > It’s no surprise that ZPG Zealot considers “best wishes” so obvious that people not using it must be rude, nor that practically everyone else here has never heard of it. **Shibboleths have to be restricted to the in-group, or what’s the point?** This is why etiquette books are for social climbers - you don’t learn it from a book, you learn it by living it. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/374 "2016-08-22T16:30:10Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Depending on the circumstances you might lose a friend or a possibly a job or a chance at a promotion in certain circles. You would definitely get a nasty glare from members of the wedding and some people would mention your rudeness in loud whispers (you know they ones you’re supposed to hear). Some people might decide you’re trashy and choose not to associate with you because of it. In some situations, particular if the groom is sensitive about the bride’s reputation or her feelings, yeah, he would punch you (not use a silken glove). What, no trident? That’s weird. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/375 "2016-08-22T16:42:38Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Wait. Families have to “agree” on a marriage? Where? The real world where people have to interact with other people other than their spouse. A couple of legal age can certainly do the Romeo & Juliet thing, and marry regardless of how their family and friends feel. And everyone of us probably knows of at least once case where they have defied the odds, the marriage worked, and the star-crossed couple is fabulously happy together. However, reality is a marriage is much, much more likely to work if the couple’s families like each other and support the couple. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/376 "2016-08-22T16:56:39Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > You are rapidly departing the realm of civility in how you’re expressing your disagreement. Please tone it down some or take it to a more appropriate forum. Thanks. You are right–I apologize. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/377 "2016-08-22T17:06:46Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > This was so well said up thread, that I thought it bears repeating (bolding added): Shibboleths or what-have-you — the point is to not become horribly offended by the outsider’s behavior, but to know who’s in and who isn’t. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/378 "2016-08-22T19:17:12Z")
> [@cmyk](#): > > Shibboleths or what-have-you — the point is to not become horribly offended by the outsider’s behavior, but to know who’s in and who isn’t. And stab them what ain’t in the lights! ---
**Author:** ![Longshanks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Longshanks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Longshanks)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2016, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/379 "2016-08-24T21:54:42Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > You are right–I apologize. I just had to let you know that I found it hilarious the way you referred to ZPG’s friends as ‘garbage people’. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2016, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/380 "2016-08-25T01:51:00Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > (snip) > I used to work at a Jewish retirement facility and became very good friends with the rabbi. On my last day of work, I shook his hand, having no clue whatsoever it was taboo for him to touch women. **He seemed a little put off but was otherwise completely gracious.** I didn’t find out it was a cultural taboo until my husband told me later (he did a lot of work in the Orthodox Jewish community.) I felt bad for putting such a nice man in that position of discomfort but I was doing what was culturally appropriate for _me._ If I had known I wouldn’t have done it. > > (snip) Bolding mine. Your rabbi friend displayed perfect courtesy. He recognized that your intention was benevolent, and responded accordingly. My debutante aunt would say he was “raised right”. I’ve heard the story of the _grande dame_ and the guest who drank from the fingerbowl before, but attributed not to the Queen, but to [Mrs. Astor.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caroline_Webster_Schermerhorn_Astor) I’ve no idea if it actually occurred, but that’s not the point - the story is a parable, to show that the essence of courtesy is _consideration for others_. Mrs. Astor violated etiquette in order to put her guest at ease, because she understood that. > [@standingwave](#): > > I’m a serial sneezer. When I sneeze I’m good for at least half a dozen. If my SIL is within earshot, she will yell (if needed) a 'God Bless You" for each and every sneeze. :mad: … In my household, the first two sneezes get you “Bless you!”. The third gets “Now you’re just looking for attention!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951.md?page=18) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951.md?page=20)