# "Polite" things that are actually impolite **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 15, 2016, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951 "2016-08-15T20:23:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/81 "2016-08-16T19:27:23Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > It’s considered insulting to imply a woman was out “hunting” her groom and won him as some sort of prize. [There’s no such implication.](http://www.dictionary.com/browse/congratulation) > [@Dictionary.com](#): > > congratulations, an expression of joy in the success or good fortune of another. Notice it can be about success–but it can also be about good fortune. Fortune does not involve hunting, or winning; it just involves something good happening in someone’s life. Now that you understand what the word means, perhaps you can take this off the pile of things you take offense at. My personal preference is to cut down on the number of innocuous things other people do that I get all pissed off about. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/82 "2016-08-16T19:29:37Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Since that not what “congratulations” actually implies any more, it’s not a problem. In plenty of people’s minds it most certainly does. Most everyone I know would be damn upset (as in Perhaps you should leave my wedding now) over such a tacky remark. Once again, if you can’t go to a wedding without passive-aggressively insulting the bride, you shouldn’t attend. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/83 "2016-08-16T19:29:51Z")
In any case, I apologize. It wasn’t you who misunderstood Vinyl Turnip; rather, it was I who couldn’t possibly imagine that you understood him correctly and still gave that response. You say that formal etiquette “allows people (even absolute enemies) to interact with other in a sane manner.” I’m not seeing anything in what you describe that I’d characterize as “a sane manner.” On the contrary, I find that forgiveness, empathy, and cutting people slack allows people to interact in a sane manner; and that cutting people off for violating an occult rule of etiquette that very few people even know about is precisely the sort of thing that multiplies enemies beyond necessity. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/84 "2016-08-16T19:30:43Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > I wrote off a few acquaintances for this insult and my last wedding was decades ago. Congratulations? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/85 "2016-08-16T19:33:09Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Congratulations? 😃 I think the thread’s question has a categorical answer now: the most impolite thing that can be considered polite is over-rigid adherence to rules of etiquette. For myself, if I got kicked out of a wedding for something like this, I’d consider it the buzzing sound that warned me about the hornet’s nest, and thank my lucky stars. Not that I’d have accomplished anything else, but I’d certainly accept congratulations for my good fortune! ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/86 "2016-08-16T19:33:57Z")
IME, most people offer congratulations on the announcement of the wedding, rather than the actual wedding itself. But I can’t imagine anyone being insulted by a sincere happy “Congratulations!” on their wedding day. Who takes offense at well wishers? ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/87 "2016-08-16T19:34:44Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > [There’s no such implication.](http://www.dictionary.com/browse/congratulation) > > Notice it can be about success–but it can also be about good fortune. Fortune does not involve hunting, or winning; it just involves something good happening in someone’s life. > > Now that you understand what the word means, perhaps you can take this off the pile of things you take offense at. My personal preference is to cut down on the number of innocuous things other people do that I get all pissed off about. Words have different meanings in different context. To the face of a bride, “Congratulations” is considered unacceptable. > **[Etiquette 101: Best Wishes or Congratulations?](http://www.newportweddingglam.com/etiquette-101/etiquette-101-best-wishes-or-congratulations/)** My personal performance is to treat people with respect even if means I have to tailor my language from time to time. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/88 "2016-08-16T19:38:42Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Words have different meanings in different context. To the face of a bride, “Congratulations” is considered unacceptable. > > [Etiquette 101: Best Wishes or Congratulations?](http://www.newportweddingglam.com/etiquette-101/etiquette-101-best-wishes-or-congratulations/) > > My personal performance is to treat people with respect even if means I have to tailor my language from time to time. Kicking someone out of a wedding, or writing them off as an acquaintance, for violating an archaic rule of etiquette is not remotely respectful, whatever you tell yourself. In any case, when you Googled that question, did you [happen to see the second link?](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/24/congratulations-to-a-bride_n_5617632.html) > [@Miss Manners](#): > > those who offer congratulations mean well but don’t know the rule and it would be churlish to quibble. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/89 "2016-08-16T19:41:36Z")
^Reported for implying **ZPG** is churlish. ETA: churl·ish ˈCHərliSH/ adjective ``` rude in a mean-spirited and surly way. ``` ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/90 "2016-08-16T19:42:32Z")
> [@Larry\_Borgia](#): > > IME, most people offer congratulations on the announcement of the wedding, rather than the actual wedding itself. But I can’t imagine anyone being insulted by a sincere happy “Congratulations!” on their wedding day. Who takes offense at well wishers? Because there a two options in this case. The well wishers are not actual well wishers and their comment was a deliberate attempt to insult the bride (a scenario I’ve seen far to often). The well wishers didn’t care enough to take the miniscule amount of time necessary to learn about the appropriate way to make such a statement to the bride. Saying “Congratulations” to the bride is like showing up a formal wedding wearing stained shorts, no shirt, and beach sandals. It’s just one of those don’ts. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/91 "2016-08-16T19:46:42Z")
I am reminded of the story with the Queen. Formal dinner with some dignitary from a far away land. Bowls were placed front of everyone. Guest drinks from bowl (probably thinking this is some weak assed soup). The bowls were for washing your fingers. Everyone was aghast. Except the Queen. She drank from her bowl to save the day and everyone else followed along. THATS how to be polite and classy. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/92 "2016-08-16T19:50:14Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Weddings are the kind of high events in life that deserve good taste and at least respectful behavior. Saying “Congratulations” to a bride is neither. If someone cannot conduct themselves at a wedding without insulting the participants, they should simply not attend the wedding or comment on it. WTF? ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/93 "2016-08-16T19:51:52Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > I am reminded of the story with the Queen. Formal dinner with some dignitary from a far away land. Bowls were placed front of everyone. Guest drinks from bowl (probably thinking this is some weak assed soup). > > The bowls were for washing your fingers. Everyone was aghast. > > Except the Queen. She drank from her bowl to save the day and everyone else followed along. > > THATS how to be polite and classy. She was also the Queen and had far more power than most everyone else in the room. It’s much easier to make magnanimous gestures when you don’t have a lot lose for it. Also, I am certain someone took the errant guest aside after the dinner, quietly explained what he or she had done, and thereafter they never repeated the error. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/94 "2016-08-16T19:56:42Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > The well wishers are not actual well wishers and their comment was a deliberate attempt to insult the bride (a scenario I’ve seen far to often). . Far too often? Who invites people that are likely to insult them to their own wedding? Who goes to weddings to deliberately insult the bride? Who goes to weddings where either or both happen far too often? You need to hang out with (or at least go to weddings with) better people. ---
**Author:** ![iljitsch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/77aa72/32.png) [@iljitsch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iljitsch)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/95 "2016-08-16T20:03:52Z")
> [@delphica](#): > > I’m thinking of a scenario when a person is a guest of someone else, and all questions about “what would you like to do?” or “what would you like to eat?” are answered with “anything is fine with me, really!” I would agree with you if this were a situation where people have to decide on a restaurant or something like that. But in the case of a host and guests then the guests probably don’t know what is convenient to make/get for the host, so it’s on the host to offer some suggestions first. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/96 "2016-08-16T20:12:48Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Because there a two options in this case. The well wishers are not actual well wishers and their comment was a deliberate attempt to insult the bride (a scenario I’ve seen far to often). The well wishers didn’t care enough to take the miniscule amount of time necessary to learn about the appropriate way to make such a statement to the bride. 1. The well-wishers disagree with an archaic, sexist etiquette guideline. Miss Manners is the most respected guide to American etiquette of the last fifty years, I’d venture. Now that you’ve seen her call behavior much milder than yours “churlish” (presumably for your behavior she’d use words like “shocking,” “bizarre,” or “appalling”), are you ready to follow etiquette for issuing an apology to the people you’ve treated with such baseness? I can’t find Miss Manners’s guide to correct apologies online, but surely it involves a handwritten note on quality stationery. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/97 "2016-08-16T20:14:55Z")
> [@iljitsch](#): > > I would agree with you if this were a situation where people have to decide on a restaurant or something like that. > > But in the case of a host and guests then the guests probably don’t know what is convenient to make/get for the host, so it’s on the host to offer some suggestions first. Yes, definitely agree. If I’m taking out-of-towners out for dinner, I’ll try to have three suggestions. “We could go to A&Q Pizza, they’ve got great pizza and an informal atmosphere. Or we could try The Giggling Pea, they’re a famous vegetarian restaurant that even non-vegetarians like. Or there’s Ten Kilo, which is a strange but delicious Caribbean pasta joint that’s way better than that sounds. Does any of that sound good?” And if they still shrug, I’ll choose one and we’ll go. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/98 "2016-08-16T20:22:02Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > [There’s no such implication.](http://www.dictionary.com/browse/congratulation) > > Notice it can be about success–but it can also be about good fortune. Fortune does not involve hunting, or winning; it just involves something good happening in someone’s life. As above, the chivalrous thing is to pretend that the groom is lucky to get such a great bride, while the reverse is not applied. So you say best wishes to the bride instead of congratulations. > [@](#): > > Now that you understand what the word means, perhaps you can take this off the pile of things you take offense at. My personal preference is to cut down on the number of innocuous things other people do that I get all pissed off about. I’m with you here. Problem is that you could pretty much apply this to everything in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/99 "2016-08-16T20:24:59Z")
[This thread](http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/not-supposed-to-congratulate-the-bride/) on a wedding board is interesting. It’s about a bride-to-be who was told by an older lady that the old lady wouldn’t congratulate the bride-to-be. The bride-to-be felt insulted, but kept a smile on her face. She’d never heard of this rule, she doesn’t like this rule, and many other folks–remember, these are folks who take the time to hang out on a wedding messageboard–had never heard of it either. The B2B’s response–being offended internally, but keeping the smile–was absolutely appropriate under the circumstances. This rule, like many other old rules of etiquette, is a shitty sexist rule, and propriety is observed in its breach. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/100 "2016-08-16T20:26:14Z")
> [@Fotheringay-Phipps](#): > > As above, the chivalrous thing is to pretend that the groom is lucky to get such a great bride, while the reverse is not applied. So you say best wishes to the bride instead of congratulations. Sure. Chivalry is sexist bullshit, and the mounted knights for which it’s named were just extra-well-armed thugs :). > [@](#): > > I’m with you here. Problem is that you could pretty much apply this to everything in this thread. Well, sort of. The traffic thing is worth discussing, since it can be an actual inconvenience (and occasionally a safety issue). But stuff like getting all mad over “no problem,” I totally agree. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951.md?page=6)