# "Polite" things that are actually impolite **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 15, 2016, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951 "2016-08-15T20:23:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/121 "2016-08-16T21:30:25Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > This is a bizarre, shocking, and appalling misinterpretation of how people actually think. Nobody but nobody attempts to insult a bride by saying “congratulations.” IT DOES NOT HAPPEN. Many brides–as I showed earlier–are surprised and dismayed by a **lack** of congratulations. > > They have a right to do whatever they want. But nobody should misinterpret what they’re doing as following etiquette. You must not get out much. IT DOES HAPPEN. I’ve seen friendships ruined over it. It’s an extremely popular way for Southern sorority girls to be bitchy to each other and also to signal who they will be snubbing in the future. Hell, in arranged marriages, I have seen the marriage end before the reception begins because of what the groom and his family think about the bride as a result of such comments. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/122 "2016-08-16T21:36:18Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > You must not get out much. IT DOES HAPPEN. I’ve seen friendships ruined over it. That I believe, for certain values of “it.” Corsets are designed to be worn to shape one’s body to match social norms. If you instead grab your corset in both hands and start beating fat people about the head and chest with it, it might still be a corset, but that’s not what it’s for. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/123 "2016-08-16T21:40:38Z")
I’m reminded of one person insisting that an unsolicited handshake is akin to rape. ---
**Author:** ![Enginerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bcef8e/32.png) [@Enginerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enginerd)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/124 "2016-08-16T21:43:15Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > You must not get out much. IT DOES HAPPEN. I’ve seen friendships ruined over it. It’s an extremely popular way for Southern sorority girls to be bitchy to each other and also to signal who they will be snubbing in the future. Hell, in arranged marriages, I have seen the marriage end before the reception begins because of what the groom and his family think about the bride as a result of such comments. Arranged marriages have resulted in mismatched outlooks? You don’t say! ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/125 "2016-08-16T21:57:00Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > Also, something that Minnesota is infamous for, is the last doughnut/cookie/whatever in the snacks somebody brought in to work. Rather than just taking the last one, they’ll break it in half so somebody else can take the other half. Then somebody comes along and breaks _that_ in half, leaving a quarter of a cookie for everybody to mock. 😃 I know they do that here in CA also, except sometimes not necessarily with the last donut. ---
**Author:** ![Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Licentious_Ectomorph)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/126 "2016-08-16T22:00:17Z")
My best friend/significant other/“it’s complicated” insists on engaging absolutely everyone in intimate conversation - cashiers, servers, housekeepers, you name it. It starts with “How’s your day going?” and becomes more personal and intrusive from there. I’ve tried to explain to him that not everyone enjoys being put on the spot and obligated to divulge personal information to a stranger they’re required to be polite to. But he’s from West Virginia, and that’s how they roll there, and by Og that’s what he’s going to do. I spend every public outing wishing the ground would open up underneath me, and every meal staring at my food while he makes BFF with the server. We have the same argument every time. He accuses me of being elitist, and asserts that everyone has a story worth telling. I reiterate that in my youth I worked more retail and serving jobs than I care to count. I can with say with reasonable authority that a minimum of basic courtesy is just hunky dory. I’ve also tried to explain to him that paying attention to everyone but his companion is rude in itself, but he doesn’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/127 "2016-08-16T22:02:16Z")
Anyone who takes offense where none was intended is a fool. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/128 "2016-08-16T22:04:36Z")
> [@Enginerd](#): > > Arranged marriages have resulted in mismatched outlooks? You don’t say! Actually as I understand it arranged marriages have a much lower chance of divorce. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/129 "2016-08-16T22:21:53Z")
In political/religious discussions, avoiding saying that someone is ill-intentioned. While generally an attempt at politeness, it often amounts to an implication that the person you are talking to is stupid or insane, because you are saying that they are doing harm _without_ intending it. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/130 "2016-08-16T22:26:15Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > I am reminded of the story with the Queen. Formal dinner with some dignitary from a far away land. Bowls were placed front of everyone. Guest drinks from bowl (probably thinking this is some weak assed soup). > > The bowls were for washing your fingers. Everyone was aghast. > > Except the Queen. She drank from her bowl to save the day and everyone else followed along. > > THATS how to be polite and classy. A certain nobleman, who had the reputation of being the politest man in France, was riding in a carriage with King Louis. When they got to their destination, the nobleman turned to the king, gesturing at the door. “After you, sire.” “No, no” said the king, after _you_. So the nobleman got out. “And now I know”, said the king “why they call you the politest man in France.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/131 "2016-08-16T22:27:14Z")
Telling other people what to eat and/or commenting on their food. Well intentioned, my ass. It’s fucking rude. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2016, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/132 "2016-08-16T22:53:20Z")
Lately I have been very annoyed by people who insist over dumb shit. The other day, I was out with a coworker and we stepped into a Subway at breakfast time because she was hungry. I told the coworker I had already eaten but she kept insisting that I allow her to buy me something. Her: “You wanna sandwich?” Me: “No, thanks. I’m stuffed.” Her: “You sure? Come on, tell me what sandwich you want.” Me: “No, I’m good. Really. Thanks.” Her: “I’m going to get you some cookies. I know you like them.” Me: “No, please, Coworker. I really don’t need a cookie right now. But thanks, though.” Her: “How many do you want?” Me: “I don’t want any–” And then she promptly orders six chocolate chip cookies and gives them all to me! My least favorite cookie! And I’m trying to limit my sugar consumption! I wanted to cuss her out, but how can I get mad at someone who is just being nice? This weekend my mom asked me to ferry her to the airport on my way home from visiting my sister. I was perfectly amenable to this idea. When my brother-in-law caught wind of it, he insisted that I let him take my mother to the airport so that I could kick back and relax with my sister some more. I didn’t want to kick back and relax with my sister (who I love dearly, but I was ready to go home at that point after having spent the whole weekend with her). The two of us went back and forth a few times, with him insisting and me politely telling him I was fine with the original plan. Finally, out of frustration, I told him I was tired of us arguing. And he relented–probably realizing that his “niceness” was just a little too much for me at that moment. If someone tells you they’re fine, listen to them! Maybe the person is lying or playing games or whatever. But it’s not your job to get them to come clean. ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/133 "2016-08-17T00:37:25Z")
> [@Hedda\_Rosa](#): > > [Technically](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/24/congratulations-to-a-bride_n_5617632.html) the bride gets your best wishes (for a long and happy marriage) and the groom gets congratulations (on having the wisdom to land his particular bride). Most of my life, I assumed that “congratulations” was appropriate for anyone announcing their engagement. When I heard of the aforementioned rule, I assumed that avoiding “congratulations” to the bride-to-be was a modern attempt to politely avoid implying that every woman’s goal was to land a husband. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/134 "2016-08-17T00:52:33Z")
OK, let’s see if I have this wedding thing straight: You’re supposed to say “congratulations” to the groom, as you’re telling him how well he has done to chase down and catch such a lovely and initially reluctant bride, or, alternatively, to win her as some sort of prize. Then you’re supposed to say “best wishes” to the bride, thereby expressing your hopes that her experience of being married to this basically rapey groom won’t turn out too horrible. So… like most traditional wedding etiquette, it’s a perfect misogynist-misandrist double whammy. Is that about right? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/135 "2016-08-17T00:53:08Z")
> [@F.U.Shakespeare](#): > > Most of my life, I assumed that “congratulations” was appropriate for anyone announcing their engagement. > > When I heard of the aforementioned rule, I assumed that avoiding “congratulations” to the bride-to-be was a modern attempt to politely avoid implying that every woman’s goal was to land a husband. I mentioned it to my wife–my wife who reads etiquette guides for fun. She’d never heard of this rule, and when I explained it to her, she was like, “fuck that!” This, much like the handshaking thing, would in my social circles piss off a lot more women than it would please. It would be **terrible** etiquette for me to follow this stupid rule. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/136 "2016-08-17T04:40:43Z")
When I married, people had damned well better have congratulated me. Because I was very happy to have “hunted” and “landed” my husband. He was a freaking awesome catch and the alternative sucked donkey balls. Why would I want it implied that all I did was sit my ass on my hands and hope that whatever yahoo that fell in my lap might be 1/100th as good as the one I actually sought out? Oh, hell no. I believe that courtship, just like everything in a marriage, should be an equal proposition. He went looking for me and vice-versa. Everything like that is indeed passive-aggressive grade school bullshit from a million years ago. And if I lost a “friend” over their insistence _not_ to congratulate me? I’d be thanking my lucky stars every day for how I dodged that particular bullet. ---
**Author:** ![UDS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecae2f/32.png) [@UDS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UDS)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/137 "2016-08-17T05:41:09Z")
> [@F.U.Shakespeare](#): > > Most of my life, I assumed that “congratulations” was appropriate for anyone announcing their engagement. > > When I heard of the aforementioned rule, I assumed that avoiding “congratulations” to the bride-to-be was a modern attempt to politely avoid implying that every woman’s goal was to land a husband. It’s precisely that attempt, but there’s nothing “modern” about it. It’s precisely because it reflects a fairly antiquated view of femininity that we find it so bizarre. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/138 "2016-08-17T06:38:27Z")
> [@iljitsch](#): > > This happens fairly regularly when I’m cycling. Cars will stop when they have the right of way In these situations, I just wait them out. Doesn’t matter how long I have to wait, I’ll stand there straddling my bike until they go. Once I even had a driver complain rather plaintively “I was just trying to be nice.” Fine, I don’t want nice, I want you to follow the rules of the road. > [@iamthewalrus\_3](#): > > In their defense, a lot of bicyclists break the law and run stop signs/lights, so drivers who try to yield to bicyclists in all cases are arguably trying to save lives. I strongly suspect that the people being nice are half to blame for the cyclists running stop signs. Cyclists get used to drivers letting them go first and start to assume it’ll always happen. Note that I said “half to blame”; the cyclists have the other half. There’s one route I take at least once a week that has several 4-way stops and this used to happen frequently on that route. I’ve been riding that route for some 15 years now and it seems it doesn’t happen that often anymore. Perhaps my efforts are having an effect. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/139 "2016-08-17T06:40:51Z")
What I find curious is that our beloved ZPG goes ‘by the book’ when it comes to the etiquette that suits her, but discards it when it offends _her_ cultural mores. It is to laugh. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![standingwave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@standingwave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/standingwave)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2016, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951/140 "2016-08-17T07:12:56Z")
> [@phall0106](#): > > I’m with you on this one. I hate, hate, HATE it when someone sneezes and 15 people cry out versions of “God bless you!” Yeah, 'cause when I’m blowing snot all of the sudden and scrambling for a tissue, I’d like to draw as much attention to myself as possible (not). I’m a serial sneezer. When I sneeze I’m good for at least half a dozen. If my SIL is within earshot, she will yell (if needed) a 'God Bless You" for each and every sneeze. :mad: > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Username/post combo :). > > If you think about “you’re welcome,” doesn’t it run into exactly the same problem? Of course you’d better be welcome to the service, you’re a customer! You should complain to the proprietor. > > Or, y’know, you could regard both expressions as idiomatic, and find other things to worry about than the fact that idioms have changed slightly since the Korean War. Quite the conundrum. I suggest that it be replaced with “Smell ya later” or “You’re so good-looking.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-things-that-are-actually-impolite/762951.md?page=8)