# Polite way of saying "Strangers are not welcome in my home?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 21, 2009, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617 "2009-10-21T16:02:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/1 "2009-10-21T16:02:12Z")
OK, I’m looking at adopting a dog. The lady said she is divorced and cannot keep the dog. I have suggested we meet somewhere neutral so that I may meet the dog and if we are all happy, I will adopt her. The woman wants to “see my home.” I understand that she wants to be sure the dog is getting a good home. I really do. But strangers are \*not \*welcome in my home. Perhaps I am too paranoid - but I don’t want someone that I do not know to come into my house. In truth, I do not think she means harm. Just as I do not intend her any - but she does not want me to come to her house. This may end up being a deal breaker for both of us. Any ideas? ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/2 "2009-10-21T16:08:42Z")
She’s not going to move furniture around. She’s just trying to make sure the dog will be happy. I don’t see a problem with letting her in. ---
**Author:** ![Heckity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Heckity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckity)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/3 "2009-10-21T16:10:43Z")
I think you could ask, “what is it about my home that you’d like to verify?” If she wants to be sure you own a home, or that it’s not kept in a way that implies issues of maintenance or cleanliness, maybe there is another way to satisfy that curiosity. Are you all right with her seeing the outside? Or do you prefer she doesn’t actually come to your property at all? If you’re okay letting her see the yard, then simply say that she can view the yard and then just don’t invite her in. You can even say that you are extremely careful about relative strangers coming in - as a woman she should accept that. She might :dubious: but so what? ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/4 "2009-10-21T16:12:01Z")
I suspect she’s checking to make sure you aren’t an animal hoarder and otherwise have a clean and suitable location. This may not be negotiable for her. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/5 "2009-10-21T16:15:26Z")
> [@Khadaji](#): > > This may end up being a deal breaker for both of us. It may be. I think you should just explain exactly what you said here. It’s nothing personal, you don’t think she’s a threat, you’re just not comfortable with people you don’t know well coming into your personal space. Ask if there’s something else you could do. But accept that you may not be able to come to terms on this. Maybe a videoed walkthrough would be acceptable to both of you? Ian ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/6 "2009-10-21T16:15:39Z")
I was looking at kittens the other day, and a number of foster homes/shelters indicated that they did a home visit or home study as a matter of course during the whole adoption process. They’re doing it for the animal’s best interests and do mean well. However, I got the feeling that it was very much non-negotiable - you did the home visit or you didn’t adopt from them. Unfortunately, this lady might be the same. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/7 "2009-10-21T16:16:35Z")
> [@Khadaji](#): > > This may end up being a deal breaker for both of us. Just in my opinion for the best interest of those who place dogs in new homes, this is perhaps the best solution. I think it is very responsible and reasonable for someone adopting out a dog to take some care to insure that the dog is being placed with a responsible owner. I just can’t think of a good, polite reason why a brief home visit could be explained to be an unreasonable expectation. There are an awful lot of bad pet owners out there, and I can’t think of a way to phrase this request in which it would not come across as very suspicious. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/8 "2009-10-21T16:18:00Z")
This seems to be the trend. I suppose you can ask her to fill out some forms and you can check her out, too. It’s a bitch, but what are you going to do? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/9 "2009-10-21T16:22:30Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > I suspect she’s checking to make sure you aren’t an animal hoarder and otherwise have a clean and suitable location. This may not be negotiable for her. Yes, I understand your concerns, but if I were giving up a dog for adoption, I would at least want to make sure the person taking her didn’t already have six underfed dogs, or evidence of several litters of puppies. ---
**Author:** ![Chopper9760](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/cdc98d/32.png) [@Chopper9760](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chopper9760)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/10 "2009-10-21T16:26:19Z")
I can understand her point of view but I’m more sympathetic to yours. I’d say stick to your guns, there’s no reason to tell this person where you live or admit her to your home. You’re doing her a favor by offering to take her dog. Animals aren’t children, adoptive owners need not be screened so thoroughly. I understand adoption fees from shelters, gotta keep the places running. In recent years however, I have heard that some folks adopting dogs have to first foster them and submit to several home visits by some kind of official or shelter representative. I think that’s overboard and ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/11 "2009-10-21T16:31:17Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > Yes, I understand your concerns, but if I were giving up a dog for adoption, I would at least want to make sure the person taking her didn’t already have six underfed dogs, or evidence of several litters of puppies. Right, I agree with you on this. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/12 "2009-10-21T16:43:27Z")
> [@Chopper9760](#): > > I can understand her point of view but I’m more sympathetic to yours. I’d say stick to your guns, there’s no reason to tell this person where you live or admit her to your home. You’re doing her a favor by offering to take her dog. > > Animals aren’t children, adoptive owners need not be screened so thoroughly. I understand adoption fees from shelters, gotta keep the places running. In recent years however, I have heard that some folks adopting dogs have to first foster them and submit to several home visits by some kind of official or shelter representative. I think that’s overboard and ridiculous. In some places you have to agree to give the animal back to the shelter if you can no longer care for it (a.k.a. The Ellen Degeneres Incident). You cannot choose another family to give it to. You never actually “own” the animal yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/13 "2009-10-21T16:50:14Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > Yes, I understand your concerns, but if I were giving up a dog for adoption, I would at least want to make sure the person taking her didn’t already have six underfed dogs, or evidence of several litters of puppies. I agree with this as well. Especially if the dog has been with the woman for a number of years. If I had to surrender my pet, it would be a dealbreaker if I could not reasonably guarantee I was sending him to a safe, clean environment. If the OP wants a dog, I would suggest going elsewhere. But I think it’s a little kooky that the divorcee also doesn’t want the OP to come by _her_ place either. EYA: > [@Kalhoun](#): > > In some places you have to agree to give the animal back to the shelter if you can no longer care for it (a.k.a. The Ellen Degeneres Incident). You cannot choose another family to give it to. You never actually “own” the animal yourself. The Humane Society of Toronto is like this as well. We can’t give our pooch to anyone else within X number of years (don’t remember the number). ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/14 "2009-10-21T16:51:53Z")
> [@Chopper9760](#): > > Animals aren’t children, adoptive owners need not be screened so thoroughly. The lady has a responsibility to the dog to ensure that the home is not worse than euthanasia. I can’t see how a quick look to show your home isn’t 4 inches deep in excrement and dead animals (as per the recent episode of “hoarders”) is such a terribly thorough screening. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/15 "2009-10-21T16:52:25Z")
I think this is sort of an odd attitude to take. You never have cable guys or plumbers come to your house? ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/16 "2009-10-21T16:57:31Z")
> [@Khadaji](#): > > Perhaps I am too paranoid - but I don’t want someone that I do not know to come into my house. Nobody can see the world through others’ eyes, or maybe you live in a bad neighborhood - but I find this attitude extremely unusual, weird and yes, very paranoid. ---
**Author:** ![Marienee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Marienee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marienee)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/17 "2009-10-21T17:03:40Z")
Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. I am certainly not letting anybody into my house on the strength of the hope that they might, if I pass inspection, allow me to take over the mutt they don’t feel like looking after any more. I have at least one advantage over such a person which the dog might appreciate: I am willing to look after it. Possibly this is because I am a very small female person but this seems to me either a failure to understand one’s place in the food chain or possibly a desire to come in and browse. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/18 "2009-10-21T17:18:13Z")
Honestly, I’d say the deal is broken. If you won’t let a stranger into your home, (your business entirely), she won’t surrender the dog without seeing the home it’s going to, (good on her, in my opinion), then the deals over. Find another pet to adopt, try the pound, or a pet store next time and you’ll avoid this difficulty entirely. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/19 "2009-10-21T17:42:22Z")
Thank you for the input guys. I agree with all who say that the deal is broken - enough so that I have emailed her and as courteously as possible suggested she find a different home for the dog. I think it is admirable that you all care about the dog’s safety. I on the other will continue to care \*first \*about my own safety. I cannot tell from a craigslist advert if this really is a woman, if she really has a dog, if she has a gun or not, if she is sane or not and _I do not let anonymous internet people into my home._ Not for any reason. Meeting in a public place does not seem unreasonable to _me_, but since it does to so many, I will accept your wisdom. I confess it, I’m surprised to find I am more paranoid than most, especially in the age we live in, but there you have it. Mods, as the decision has been made, you may do as you wish with the thread. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2009, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617/20 "2009-10-21T17:47:11Z")
> [@Khadaji](#): > > Meeting in a public place does not seem unreasonable to _me_, but since it does to so many, I will accept your wisdom. Meeting in a public place _first_ is quite reasonable. A park is a good and a sensible place to meet a dog. You can see how it acts towards various people, other dogs, etc. Not letting her see your home, period, is unreasonable once you have decided that you and the dog are a match and that you desire to take the dog in. (IMHO, of course). The way I read it, there is no set of circumstances in which you would allow her to see your home, at any point. Am I wrong? Once you have ascertained that she is an unarmed woman in possession of a dog, would you allow her to check out the home? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polite-way-of-saying-strangers-are-not-welcome-in-my-home/514617.md?page=2)