# Political Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Politics & Elections\ **Created:** [February 4, 2016, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154 "2016-02-04T17:45:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![E-DUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/e-dub/32/403_2.png) [@E-DUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-DUB)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/1 "2016-02-04T17:45:38Z")
Enough serious talk for a while. Toss out your favorite jokes about the candidates. How does Donald Trump screw in a light bulb? He just holds the bulb in the socket and the world revolves around him. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/2 "2016-02-04T18:40:24Z")
Not about any candidate specifically, but here’s a short verse-cycle I call “Comparative Political Ideologies 101”: A Republican man-about-town Could make a smile vertical frown For, at finish, the heel Always made the girl kneel And let all the wealth trickle down! A Democrat is well-suited to diddle In the sense that he’s straight-up-the-middle But, 'tween left and right hand He can ne’er . . . take a stand At the end, can just sit there and twiddle! The proud stalwarts of the Tea Party Have lusts that are hearty but naughty Such as offering their sacks As mid-morning snacks To all and to sundry! How haughty! Socialists like to share their virility But it brings social costs in fertility, For, “To each by her need!” Is their true solemn creed, But the sharing wears out the ability! When Communists’ love interest sparks They fulfill dialectic of Marx From raging “class struggle” To lazy ass-snuggle In beds, kitchens, cars, shops and parks! A Minuteman was a staunch fearless warder 'Gainst the Brown Peril south of the border 'Til a boom-chicka chica From south Costa Rica Sucked him into a whole New World Order! Although Fascists might seethe, rant, and hate You can still, if you’ll dangle the bait Have 'em your way and then some If but once you convince 'em It is all for the good of the State! When an Anarchist’s out of her clothes Make no mention of rules to impose As to what’s hot or not Or, what tab fits what slot She will make it all up as she goes! A Thecon’s holy and pious But it seems that his judgment is biased By his mind filled with floods Of the cries of hung studs: “Come into the closet and try us!” An Objectivist Atlas will shrug When the ladies won’t go past a hug Self-reliant as Rand Is his own nimble hand On his Fountainhead ready to tug! The bold ladies who camp with the OWSers Are no puritanical wowsers One can’t walk up Wall Street Without hearing them tweet, “Why, what’s that occupying your trousers?!” A lascivious thing is a Green Every tree, every shrub, every bean Every beast classed “Endangered” And life-forms far stranger Must endure his attentions obscene! Libertarians swing and they play You can use them most any which way Straight, gay, trans, or bi Or whatever you’ll try All while shouting, “For Freedom! Hooray!” ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/3 "2016-02-04T18:49:54Z")
From _The Onion_’s [Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far](http://www.theonion.com/graphic/biggest-campaign-gaffes-so-far-52279):[ul]Mar. 2003: In a major goof that will haunt Jeb Bush all along the campaign trail, his brother unilaterally invades Iraq, destabilizing the region indefinitely and vastly increasing the threat of global terror[/ul][ul]Aug. 2015: A hot mic picks up every one of Scott Walker’s answers during the first GOP debate[/ul][ul]Oct. 2015: Bernie Sanders is forced to walk back parts of his tax plan in the wake of arguments that slow-roasting the 10 richest Americans on a spit and feeding their carcasses to the unemployed would be unfeasible[/ul][ul]Oct. 2015: In a highly embarrassing debate performance, John Kasich severely misreads the primary-voting public by appealing to their intelligence and dignity[/ul][ul]Nov. 2015: Donald Trump is caught in a blatant lie when he claims he saw Muslims cheering at one of his campaign events[/ul][ul]Feb. 2016: American people fail to take threat of Donald Trump becoming president seriously in the final month they could have done something about it[/ul] ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/4 "2016-02-04T19:46:46Z")
> [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > [ul]Oct. 2015: Bernie Sanders is forced to walk back parts of his tax plan in the wake of arguments that slow-roasting the 10 richest Americans on a spit and feeding their carcasses to the unemployed would be unfeasible[/ul] Don’t see why it’s unfeasible, there’s only 10 of them . . . ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/5 "2016-02-04T19:58:29Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > Don’t see why it’s unfeasible, there’s only 10 of them . . . Unless you’re Jesus, those 10 won’t feed the multitudes. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/6 "2016-02-04T20:17:59Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > Unless you’re Jesus, those 10 won’t feed the multitudes. Well, he’s Jewish and he’s trying to save the world! ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/7 "2016-02-04T20:34:54Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > Well, he’s Jewish and he’s trying to save the world! When da people was in work-for-a-living land, Let My people go! Oppressed so hard they could not stand, Let My people go! _Bernie Moses Sanders_ 2016 ---
**Author:** ![Damuri\_Ajashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Damuri\_Ajashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Damuri_Ajashi)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/8 "2016-02-04T22:14:14Z")
NM ---
**Author:** ![Damuri\_Ajashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Damuri\_Ajashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Damuri_Ajashi)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/9 "2016-02-04T22:15:16Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > Unless you’re Jesus, those 10 won’t feed the multitudes. Damn you beat me to it (by 3+ hours) and with a much better quip than mine to boot. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2016, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/10 "2016-02-05T01:14:02Z")
How does Hillary Clinton screw in a light bulb? We’re not sure, which is why hearings should be held to determine what crimes may have been committed. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2016, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/11 "2016-02-05T03:19:43Z")
How can you tell when Donald Trump is lying? His lips are . . . Oh, c’mon, are you kidding?! **He** can’t tell when he’s lying! ---
**Author:** ![E-DUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/e-dub/32/403_2.png) [@E-DUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-DUB)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2016, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/12 "2016-02-05T18:26:51Z")
A few more illuminating jokes. How does Rand Paul screw in a light bulb? He doesn’t because if not having light bulbs was good enough for the founding fathers it’s good enough for us. How does Rick Santorum screw in a light bulb? First he lubricates both the bulb and the socket. How does Chris Christie screw in a light bulb? He doesn’t. He just tells the light bulb to screw itself. How does Ben Carson screw in a light bulb? Same as the rest of us, he just doesn’t use the brightest bulb available. ---
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2016, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/13 "2016-02-06T00:42:36Z")
> [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > [ul]Feb. 2016: American people fail to take threat of Donald Trump becoming president seriously in the final month they could have done something about it[/ul] South Park has an episode dedicated to this precise concept: _Where my country gone_. Here’s the [theme song](http://southpark.cc.com/clips/7c1pxv/country-gone) (NSFW), but the full episode is an awesome take down of Trump (available on Comedy Central website). ---
**Author:** ![Thing\_Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecb155/32.png) [@Thing\_Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing_Fish)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2016, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/14 "2016-02-07T21:58:49Z")
Mike Huckabee terminated his campaign last week. I feel he should have been forced to carry it to term regardless of his own wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2016, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/15 "2016-02-07T22:24:31Z")
[![](https://crooksandliars.com/files/imagecache/node_primary/primary_image/15/12/akbar_cruz.jpg) ](https://crooksandliars.com/files/imagecache/node_primary/primary_image/15/12/akbar_cruz.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2016, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/political-jokes/745154/16 "2016-02-07T23:28:53Z")
> [@Thing\_Fish](#): > > Mike Huckabee terminated his campaign last week. I feel he should have been forced to carry it to term regardless of his own wishes. We can harvest it for parts. He can keep the brain.