# Poll: Am I an asshole? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 28, 2008, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756 "2008-11-28T02:53:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![PopeJewish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@PopeJewish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PopeJewish)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/21 "2008-11-28T04:40:39Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > I’m confused; Betty is your New Thing, right? It sounds like she is pretty clingy for someone you’re just getting to know. I agree, if she’s mailing you constantly about what you did the night before and than emailing you if you don’t get a response… I dunno, that reeks of insecurity to me, and you’re not even really seeing this girl yet. I had to recently completely bitch out this new girl I’m seeing for similar reasons, basically telling her that while i might still hang out with an ex from time to time I’m trying to avoid that situation, a, and b, we (me and new girl) weren’t together the last time it happened so it doesn’t matter at all and she should not be so distrustful and nosy. She’s calmed down a lot, but I dunno, if she turns out to be as clingy as my ex was/is it won’t last very long, even though I like her. As for my answer on the poll, I dunno man, you definitely should just come clean with the ex. If you know she’s upset, why don’t _you_ extend the bridge, tell her what’s up, and maybe appologize for bein a bit snarky (cause it was a jerkish thing to say). Nothin wrong with moving on, but let your friends, especially those you may occasionally be intimate with, know what the score is so they don’t feel like you’re just ignoring them ---
**Author:** ![MannyL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@MannyL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MannyL)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/22 "2008-11-28T04:56:05Z")
> [@1010011010](#): > > She’s e-mailing you demanding to know how you’ve been spending your time… and then e-mailing you about whether you got her e-mail if you don’t respond fast enough? > > And you’ve met this person in real life _once_? That’s just a big ol’ ball of internet crazy waiting to happen. > > As to the OP… > If you didn’t suspect Alice has the wrong idea about your relationship with her, you wouldn’t have tried to hide Betty from her. You’re an asshole. No A (My EX) is the one E-mailing me all the time not B (My new potential friend) I wasn’t tying to hide my new potential friend from anyone but when I wanted to be able to give this person my full attention. From looking at everyone’s replies and my motives I can see how A might be upset and might think I’m an asshole. > [@PopeJewish](#): > > I agree, if she’s mailing you constantly about what you did the night before and than emailing you if you don’t get a response… I dunno, that reeks of insecurity to me, and you’re not even really seeing this girl yet. I had to recently completely bitch out this new girl I’m seeing for similar reasons, basically telling her that while i might still hang out with an ex from time to time I’m trying to avoid that situation, a, and b, we (me and new girl) weren’t together the last time it happened so it doesn’t matter at all and she should not be so distrustful and nosy. She’s calmed down a lot, but I dunno, if she turns out to be as clingy as my ex was/is it won’t last very long, even though I like her. > > As for my answer on the poll, I dunno man, you definitely should just come clean with the ex. If you know she’s upset, why don’t _you_ extend the bridge, tell her what’s up, and maybe appologize for bein a bit snarky (cause it was a jerkish thing to say). Nothin wrong with moving on, but let your friends, especially those you may occasionally be intimate with, know what the score is so they don’t feel like you’re just ignoring them It’s A (the ex) who is E-mailing me every day not B (potential new friend) who is. A does have poor self esteem and has a problem communicating her needs. If people ask A if she and I are dating she tells them that we are just friends. When I tried to call her earlier today she didn’t answer the phone. I had texted her to see if she wanted to get together Saturday to go to a museum she has been talking about for a while and her reply was just that she has plans. ---
**Author:** ![1010011010](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/ea666f/32.png) [@1010011010](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1010011010)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/23 "2008-11-28T05:13:20Z")
> [@MannyL](#): > > I wasn’t tying to hide my new potential friend from anyone but when I wanted to be able to give this person my full attention. For all practical purposes it sounds like you’re dating Alice. You both maintain a social fiction that you’re “just friends”. You told Carl and Denise about Betty… but not Alice. You treated Alice like a girlfriend you’re trying to cheat on. You didn’t maintain the fiction. Ergo, you’re an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/24 "2008-11-28T05:29:02Z")
You simply need to learn to create some distance between yourself and others. If somebody asks you a question, you don’t have to answer it with full details in full color with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back! See, maybe you could learn something from your quasi-girlfriend Alice here. She said she “had plans” on Saturday. That’s all she had to tell you and that’s all you should have told her about your night with Bubbles. Unless you were trying to stir something up. Seriously, dude, you sound like a bunch of high schoolers or something. ---
**Author:** ![sunacres](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@sunacres](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunacres)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/25 "2008-11-28T05:55:49Z")
> [@MannyL](#): > > I didn’t tell my friend that I was talking online to someone because I didn’t want many people to know yet. This is the part that screams “I’m full of shit.” ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/26 "2008-11-28T06:04:24Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > You simply need to learn to create some distance between yourself and others. If somebody asks you a question, you don’t have to answer it with full details in full color with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back! All the drama, and bullshit here is of your own doing. This makes you (A). Draw some lines and live within them. ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/27 "2008-11-28T06:04:36Z")
If you end up dating B, you’re going to have to end up being an asshole to A anyway. There are different degrees of asshole, of course, but A is going to assign you the lowliest rank regardless. Now, I’m not saying one has to be an asshole to all their exes. I’m just saying that, with the situation you’ve gotten yourself into with continuing to be so close with A, things are not going to end well, regardless of what you do. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/28 "2008-11-28T18:28:43Z")
> [@1010011010](#): > > For all practical purposes it sounds like you’re dating Alice. You both maintain a social fiction that you’re “just friends”. You told Carl and Denise about Betty… but not Alice. You treated Alice like a girlfriend you’re trying to cheat on. You didn’t maintain the fiction. Ergo, you’re an asshole. This is advice I wish I had received in March, where I did what **MannyL** did. If your situation is ANYTHING like mine–and you sound like me 8 months ago–then either date Alice or break it off entirely. In my case, she started dating someone first, and I’ve been aching for months, regretting that I hadn’t had the balls to commit. I say this in total sincerity. ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/29 "2008-11-28T18:43:10Z")
_Checks the ‘A’ box._ ---
**Author:** ![Atomicflea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/58956e/32.png) [@Atomicflea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atomicflea)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/30 "2008-11-28T18:54:15Z")
Yep, you’re an asshole, but not for the reasons you think. Alice obviously is much more attached than you are, and if you were a true friend you’d stop blurring the lines so much and let her have some distance to get over you. You don’t have to put her feelings above yours, but being a good friend (which is how you consider her, if not the reverse) is caring enough about a person to not do something you know (and you do know) is obviously hurtful. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/31 "2008-11-28T19:02:48Z")
> [@Jeff](#): > > True. I don’t want to become another letter in his alphabet soup of love and deceit. > > Le sigh. From now on, I’m going to refer to you as “E”. As to the OP,: you sure acted like a dick to your “ex”, but I’d say you’re not an asshole in general. Keep us abreast on your relationship with E. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/32 "2008-11-28T19:14:27Z")
Yes, you are an asshole. > [@MannyL](#): > > I’m still on friendly terms with one of my Ex’s (or was until the other day) Lets call her A We would hang out often and occasional still be intimate. She’s your ex, but you’re still sleeping with her? Doesn’t sound like an ex to me. Which one of you broke it off? Is there an explicit understanding that either of you might being seeing other people? > [@](#): > > So after my job I was heading to the bar and got a text message from A wanting to know if I was going to karaoke at this other place. Why did you answer this message right away? This is your “ex,” remember? Why does she have a right to know exactly where you are and what you’re doing at any time? Consider that you aren’t obligated to answer your phone every time right away. > [@](#): > > I said no I was going to another place. She said if she knew there was going to be karaoke there she would have gone. I was honest and said I didn’t tell you they were having karaoke because I didn’t want you to be there. Of course she got upset. “I didn’t want you to be there” is a pretty assholish thing to say to someone. ---
**Author:** ![MannyL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@MannyL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MannyL)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/33 "2008-11-28T19:24:26Z")
Ok I’m awake now after Black Friday Shopping > [@Mr Bus Guy](#): > > All the drama, and bullshit here is of your own doing. > > This makes you (A). > > Draw some lines and live within them. You are right I need to do that. > [@1010011010](#): > > For all practical purposes it sounds like you’re dating Alice. You both maintain a social fiction that you’re “just friends”. You told Carl and Denise about Betty… but not Alice. You treated Alice like a girlfriend you’re trying to cheat on. You didn’t maintain the fiction. Ergo, you’re an asshole. Thank you for your opinion. I sometimes need to see my actions through the eyes of others. > [@Green\_Bean](#): > > You simply need to learn to create some distance between yourself and others. If somebody asks you a question, you don’t have to answer it with full details in full color with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back! > > See, maybe you could learn something from your quasi-girlfriend Alice here. She said she “had plans” on Saturday. That’s all she had to tell you and that’s all you should have told her about your night with Bubbles. > > Unless you were trying to stir something up. > > Seriously, dude, you sound like a bunch of high schoolers or something. I agree we do sound like high schoolers and I should act more mature, > [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](#): > > This is advice I wish I had received in March, where I did what **MannyL** did. If your situation is ANYTHING like mine–and you sound like me 8 months ago–then either date Alice or break it off entirely. In my case, she started dating someone first, and I’ve been aching for months, regretting that I hadn’t had the balls to commit. I say this in total sincerity. > [@Atomicflea](#): > > Yep, you’re an asshole, but not for the reasons you think. Alice obviously is much more attached than you are, and if you were a true friend you’d stop blurring the lines so much and let her have some distance to get over you. You don’t have to put her feelings above yours, but being a good friend (which is how you consider her, if not the reverse) is caring enough about a person to not do something you know (and you do know) is obviously hurtful. I’ve tried to give her distance but she keeps trying to push closer. It drives me crazy when she would text me and if I didn’t respond keep texting me. > [@acsenray](#): > > Yes, you are an asshole. > > She’s your ex, but you’re still sleeping with her? Doesn’t sound like an ex to me. Which one of you broke it off? Is there an explicit understanding that either of you might being seeing other people? > > Why did you answer this message right away? This is your “ex,” remember? Why does she have a right to know exactly where you are and what you’re doing at any time? Consider that you aren’t obligated to answer your phone every time right away. > > Of course she got upset. “I didn’t want you to be there” is a pretty assholish thing to say to someone. Yes there is the explicit understanding that we might be seeing other people. When she started talking to a guy at a bar that we both go to for karaoke I was encouraging her to explore the possibility of something with him. The reason I had to answer her message right away is if I didn’t answer she would keep texting me. I agree texting that I didn’t want her there is assholish and I admit looking back on it I think I was looking to do something to piss her off so she would leave me alone. I was getting tired of “evading” her emails when she asked what I did the night before or would E-mail me asking what I had for lunch. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/34 "2008-11-28T19:27:11Z")
Ex what? Wife or GF? There’s a difference. The Ex-wife knows you are boinking other women, that’s why she divorced you. The GF doesn’t and thinks you’re her guy. Doesn’t matter if she is humping all over town. 'Snot logical, but that’s the way the world works. Same if you switch the genders, or bend them. People is weird. ---
**Author:** ![MannyL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@MannyL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MannyL)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/35 "2008-11-28T19:41:07Z")
EX Girlfriend. I’ve never been married. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/36 "2008-11-28T19:50:12Z")
If you broke up with her and you’re still sleeping with her, she might still be more attached to you than you realize. At this point it’s probably a lot simpler to re-break up with your ex. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/37 "2008-11-28T19:54:31Z")
(A) but you can become not an (A) by learning a lesson from this. Including (but not limited to) the fact that this FWB thing isn’t working out as nicely as the two of you had thought. Also, the polite way to say “I’m out with a girl and you’re not invited” is “I’m on a date”. ---
**Author:** ![Jeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/38 "2008-11-28T19:57:56Z")
> [@Enola\_Gay](#): > > From now on, I’m going to refer to you as “E”. > > As to the OP,: you sure acted like a dick to your “ex”, but I’d say you’re not an asshole in general. Keep us abreast on your relationship with E. I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl. Tonight could be the night he calls! Regards, E ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/39 "2008-11-28T20:14:59Z")
> [@Jeff](#): > > I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl. Tonight could be the night he calls! > > Regards, > E 😃 Be very careful. The next one up will be F. And we all know what F stands for. . .the same thing as your sig. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756/40 "2008-11-28T20:33:38Z")
Here’s your problem, Manny: You’re arrogant. Never once in the history of humanity has any man **ever** been able to keep a drama-free fuck friendship and you’re trying to do just that, which is unreasonable. What special powers do you have that make you think that you can pull off what no other man has done before? Granted you did have the power to force E to click on your thread. …btw he is primping as we speak…not that you care- you’re probably busy texting F. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-am-i-an-asshole/474756.md?page=3)