# POLL: Choose between your spouse and your soon-to-be-born child (warning -- morbid) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 16, 2003, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864 "2003-10-16T21:12:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/41 "2003-10-17T14:32:40Z")
If you can save the mother, you should do everything in your power to do so. Unless it is expressly against her wishes (not the wishes of her next of kin). I don’t think it is advisable to involve the next of kin. It places a huge burden of guilt and responsibility on them, and if neither (or both) of them survive, the resultant emotional damage could be horrendous. Can you imagine explaining to your wife’s parents that you chose your child over their daughter? Can you imagine explaining it to your wife if she somehow survived? I think maybe it would be better to be presented with a medical fait accompli, “we did the best we could, but unfortunately your baby died”. Alternatively, the mother should write a legally binding advance medical directive, detailing her wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/42 "2003-10-17T14:53:23Z")
Male. Divorced. I would choose the child. Any adult old enough to be married to me and be having kids has already been around a while. Can’t see letting somebody live longer by depriving another person of ever having a life at all. I I were capable of bearing children, I would direct that the child’s live take precedence over my own. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/43 "2003-10-17T15:00:25Z")
I’d save my spouse, of course. However, if it were a choice between either of my children today (having been born 11 and 9 years ago) and my spouse (or me, for that matter), all bets would be off. If I were given a Sophie’s choice, I’d choose for all of us to die together. I’m female, married with 2 children. 37 years old. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/44 "2003-10-17T15:02:09Z")
Married, hetero, three kids. I would want for my husband to choose to save me, not for myself, but because I have three kids who depend on me. Although I’d be terribly sad at losing the baby, if I died and the baby lived, then my husband would have **four** children to deal with! I’d like to hope we’d take our time to grieve and heal, and then have another baby. Pure speculation, of course, because I’m almost 42 years old, and more babies are not part of a future we’re anticipating! ---
**Author:** ![skeptic\_ev](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@skeptic\_ev](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/skeptic_ev)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/45 "2003-10-17T16:55:07Z")
Female, married, no kids. I’d save my husband, absolutely. No question. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be completely heartbroken at the loss of a child; of course I would. ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Dracul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/50afbb/32.png) [@Vlad\_Dracul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Dracul)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/46 "2003-10-17T17:08:26Z")
Male, never married, no kids. I don’t WANT any children… and it’s hard to find a woman who can put up with me, so this is an easy choice! ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/47 "2003-10-17T17:24:16Z")
Female, engaged, no kids (obviously ;)). I’d choose my fiance. I don’t know that he’d agree with it, though. . .but I could never write him off to die. I just couldn’t. Preferably, we’d talk about this first, but this doesn’t seem to be in the stipulations of the OP. Due to his family history, he might not agree with me, but, again, I could NOT let him die for an unborn child. Not only would it come close to mentally breaking me, but I would probably to some extent always resent the child, no matter how hard I’d try not to. It’s not the nicest thing ever, and I am fairly certain that I’d never mistreat the child, but I doubt I could ever fully love him/her. I’m human, and I’m deeply in love, and losing my fiance would be like losing my other half. I would have resentment; I can’t help it. Fortunately, this question falls into the realm of impossible questions, and therefore–like “Honey, would you still love me if I were a guy?”–will never need to be acted upon or concretely answered. ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/48 "2003-10-17T18:26:55Z")
Female, married for now, 2 kids I’d choose the kid, hands down. But then, my husband is a worthless ass so that makes the decision a lot easier! If the situation was reversed, I’d prefer to stick around because, as others have said, my existing children need me. I think they’d miss me a lot more than they’d miss their father, if they even noticed he was gone. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/49 "2003-10-17T20:48:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by belladonna \* > \*\*Female, married for now, 2 kids > > I’d choose the kid, hands down. But then, my husband is a worthless ass so that makes the decision a lot easier! > > If the situation was reversed, I’d prefer to stick around because, as others have said, my existing children need me. I think they’d miss me a lot more than they’d miss their father, if they even noticed he was gone. \*\* I feel for you. Married, Male, Four kids. The wife stays. ---
**Author:** ![hyperjes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df705f/32.png) [@hyperjes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hyperjes)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/50 "2003-10-18T03:14:32Z")
Female, Married, No kids yet. I hope **d\_redguy** would choose the baby. I completely agree with **ShadiRoxan**. It’s true that a child can never have another biological mother, but at least the child would know that mom loved him/her so much that she died so he/she could live. I also hope **d\_redguy** would eventually marry a nice woman who would help him raise our child. Hypothetically speaking, I’d do the same if the roles were reversed. I don’t know how he’d feel about it. I’ll have to ask, just for curiosity’s sake. ---
**Author:** ![Lockz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Lockz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lockz)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/51 "2003-10-18T06:22:24Z")
Straight single male, no kids. I’d choose to save my wife. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/52 "2003-10-18T06:24:52Z")
Huh. I’m quite fascinated at the answers. I’d choose to save the baby, no questions asked, and Mrs. RickJay would make the same call - as a matter of fact, we’ve discussed this, and there’s no misunderstanding who gets saved. I adore Mrs. RickJay and she adores me, but my primary purpose in life, as a human being, is to protect my children. ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/53 "2003-10-18T07:18:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > my primary purpose in life, as a human being, is to protect my children. Well put. ---
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/54 "2003-10-18T07:53:57Z")
Married, female, no kids (by choice) Hmmmm, let’s see. I’ve gotten sterilised, I’ve had an ‘abortion plan’ tucked away in my head since I was 14 in case I fell pregnant, I used to have nightmares where I was in hospital and discovered I was 8 months pregnant and about to give birth and all I could think of was killing it, or if that failed, running far, far away. I’d choose my wonderful, loving, husband. Not a hard choice for someone who desperately wants no children. Different strokes, and all that. This thread, and the reasoning people have given has been an interesting read. ---
**Author:** ![Lobelia\_Overhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/54ee81/32.png) [@Lobelia\_Overhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobelia_Overhill)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/55 "2003-10-18T15:44:15Z")
I read a letter to an agony aunt years ago that was from a girl born under such circumstances (her mother died), all her life her father and siblings had treated her with undisguised hostility and on more than one occassion she’d had the death of her mother thrown in her face as an insult … I’m single, female, and infertile, so the situation isn’t likely to arise for me, but I’d go for saving the mother BTW if you’re a Catholic, aparently you have to save the baby no questions asked ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/56 "2003-10-18T18:01:54Z")
There was an ER episode about this, not sure if it was referenced in the thread after reading through it. I told my husband after watching it, “If you ever have to make that choice - save **me** , dammit!” He completely agreed. If the situation was reversed, I’d save him too. The way I figure it, we’re a great team together. We have salaries and health insurance and skills we could use together to help raise a child. The other way means you have an adult in mourning for his/her spouse **and** trying to raise a newborn infant at the same time, both of which are extremely stressful. ---
**Author:** ![Blalron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@Blalron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blalron)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/57 "2003-10-18T19:49:10Z")
If I had a spouse in that situation, I’d save her without hesitating for even a second. An unborn child or an infant is merely a potential person with a potential personality. A grown woman has had a lifetime of friendships, relationships, hopes, dreams, fears, and aspirations. To do away with that is a much worse tragedy than losing a blank slate. ---
**Author:** ![Idlewild](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8491ac/32.png) [@Idlewild](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idlewild)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/58 "2003-10-18T20:31:24Z")
I’d save my spouse. Married, female, no kids, actively choosing to be child-free. Yes, I’m sure that does affect my thinking. ---
**Author:** ![ZebWalton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/fbc32d/32.png) [@ZebWalton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZebWalton)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/59 "2003-10-18T23:40:26Z")
Married male, four kids. I say, “Choose wife!” I’ve already got too many goldarn ki– Er, I mean, I love my kids dearly and would regret having had to make the choice, but I think this is a no-brainer. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2003, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864/60 "2003-10-19T03:56:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mangetout \* > \*\*Just out of interest (and without wanting to hijack the thread too far), supposing that there was an unlikely real-life sitaution such as this, where it was really quite certain that only the mother OR child could be saved (and also assuming that there was a minute or two to decide), would the doctors actually ask the next of kin or would they just act to save the adult? \*\* Things went very badly during my birth, mostly because the doctor was called in too late to do a c-section (being Easter and all the nice catholic nurses didn’t want to bother her before necessary. Nice considering she was Hindu…). The doctor warned him that if what they were going to try didn’t work, he would have to make that choice, so he ought to think about it. What they did do goes way into TMI country, so I won’t describe it, but it did work out. I’ve never asked him who he thought he’d pick, because I really don’t want to know. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-choose-between-your-spouse-and-your-soon-to-be-born-child-warning-morbid/207864.md?page=2)