# Poll for Parents **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 25, 2002, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833 "2002-06-25T04:43:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/1 "2002-06-25T04:43:55Z")
I was speaking with my SIL the other day (she has a 9 month old) and she told me about a conversation she recently had with her partner, my BIL. “If you _had_ to choose between me and your son, who would you choose ?” BIL answered “My son” after a bit of thinking. SIL agreed that she, too, would choose her son. Now that quite surprised me, but she spoke about the conversation in a quite matter-of-fact way, so I was wondering how common this feeling / attitude was. Who would you choose ? Your partner or your child ? ---
**Author:** ![Anahita](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9a28c/32.png) [@Anahita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anahita)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/2 "2002-06-25T04:48:23Z")
Can you give us some parameters? If I choose my child, will my husband die, or will he just leave us? And the other way around, too? Need more information. Maybe a scenario. ---
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/3 "2002-06-25T05:05:03Z")
How about both options, i.e 1. You can only choose one to live, your partner or your child, and the other one will die and 1. You can only choose one to ever see again (but they all live) How about that ? Can you answer both… I must admit, I’m now curious to the reasoning behind what would make a difference. I will ask my SIL what she meant next time I see her, but for now, how about we go with both options ? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![kniz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c37758/32.png) [@kniz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kniz)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/4 "2002-06-25T05:37:56Z")
After 39 years of marriage and raising five children I have no doubt that my wife comes first (and always has). There are couples that put their children first and when they are gone, then what have they got left? the second string? Marriage isn’t _you and me_, it is **US** and if you don’t look at it that way then the marriage isn’t going to be worth a dern when the children are gone. ☹ [sup]Correction! it isn’t going to be worth a dern, **EVER** [/sup] ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/5 "2002-06-25T06:38:54Z")
I am not capable of rationally making that decision. Perhaps in a life-or-death circumstance, some lower instinctual level of my brain would make the decision for me, but until such a situation were to occur, I have no idea what it would be. Losing either of them would be too painful for me to bear. ---
**Author:** ![QueenAl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/d26b3c/32.png) [@QueenAl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QueenAl)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/6 "2002-06-25T09:59:09Z")
For me, the children will always come first. I would expect my partner (if I had one) to put the children first too. ---
**Author:** ![Anahita](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9a28c/32.png) [@Anahita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anahita)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/7 "2002-06-25T10:13:45Z")
I’m in the same boat as **MsWhatsit**. I’ve thought about it, and I cannot say. Having said that, in a situation where I was forced to ‘save’ either my husband or child, I’d save the child, for obvious reasons. I’d expect my husband would have better odds of escaping safely. I’m certain he’d answer the same as me. ---
**Author:** ![flodnak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/838e76/32.png) [@flodnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flodnak)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/8 "2002-06-25T10:44:31Z")
This question makes me angry. It sounds like those stupid scenarios pre-adolescent kids sometimes confront their parents with to prove that “I’m Mom’s favorite” or “Dad loves Mary best”. It doesn’t work that way. I can’t imagine living without the three men in my life, my husband and our two sons. Even though they all drive me up the wall at times, they’re my family and I love the three of them more than anything. If I knew that one of them had died through my inaction, even if I knew it was because I was unable to save them, I don’t know how I would live with myself. I’d say it’s very likely I’d kill myself. Does that answer your question? ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/9 "2002-06-25T11:12:16Z")
[hijack] You’d kill yourself because you failed one child, and abandon the other child _and_ your husband by doing so? I don’t think losing a child would be easy, but you’d deal. I know there are posters here who have lost children–I think they could teach us all a little something about “living for the living” and all that.[/hijack] For me–completely hypothetical, of course 1. I’d save my child and sacrifice my partner 2. If the child was grown, I’d pick my partner here and let my child go on to live their own life. (we can still talk on the phone, right? 🙂 ) However, if he was still an infant I’d have to go with the kid again. bella ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/10 "2002-06-25T13:40:11Z")
I don’t have kids _or_ a partner ATM, so it’s hard for me to say. I come from a “Children First” mama, however. And I mean she’s the kind of mama who believes that a parent should _absolutely_ put his/her children first, and that if he/she doesn’t, it’s just plain WRONG. So in answer to **belladonna** , I can say that since my brother died of a heart attack three years ago, my mother has made no bones about the fact that she’s ready to die. Now, granted, the youngest of her kids (me) is 32, so we wouldn’t exactly become wards of the state or anything, but for a little while I took some offense to that, because I used the same reasoning as you did, **bella** (the bit about abandoning the other children). Then my mother explained that mostly it was just because she didn’t ever want to have to live through the death of one of her children _again_ (because let’s face it, any of us could get plowed down by a bus before the day is over). That I could kind of understand. And FTR, she does blame herself, in part, for my brother’s death, because we, as a family, grew up on a LOT of Southern Cookin’ (lotta fried stuff, lotta pork) and big appetites were praised in our family (I’ve mentioned this here before, but my dad grew up HELLA! poor, and so was proud to be able to have an overweight wife and four endlessly gobbling kids). ---
**Author:** ![Kiki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dc4da7/32.png) [@Kiki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiki)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/11 "2002-06-25T13:58:24Z")
I don’t know what I would do. I find myself thinking about that movie Sophie’s Choice… she had to decide which child to keep and which one to send away with the Germans and she chose to keep her son and let her daughter go. 😕 I don’t think I could’ve made a decision like that. They would’ve had to kill all of us before I’d let one of my kids go like that. So I guess if the 1st scenario were to happen I’d probably fight the son of a bitch who was trying to make me choose and I’d end up getting all of us killed. If they refused to kill all of us and _really_ forced me… I’d save my child(ren). As for the second one… I don’t know. I don’t know what would ever happen to make me have to choose between them so I’m not even going to think about that one. ---
**Author:** ![miamouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@miamouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miamouse)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2002, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/12 "2002-06-25T14:08:57Z")
Well, you never know what you’d do when actually faced with it IRL, but I think in the first scenario, I’d pick the kids, and hope my hubby would too. My husband and I has lived some life, gotten some experiences. In the other scenario, I may pick never seeing the child again and staying with the husband. But then there’s the guilt. Again, circumstances, etc. Either situation is not something I’d want to face, really, and hope I never have to. ---
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/13 "2002-06-26T00:28:54Z")
Thanks for answering in the spirit this was intended. I was completely shocked by my BIL and SIL’s answer, but by reading this thread, it doesn’t seem like that response is unusual. It does seem like there is a wide variety of answers, and thoughts surrounding this, and I understand how hard it is to answer hypotheticals. This whole topic never would’ve entered my mind, if my SIL hadn’t mentioned it. I can also understand how your answer might change with different scenarios and the child’s age. FTR, my SIL was speaking about choosing one to live with, and one to never see or hear from again (though they still lived). Much food for thought. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Primaflora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Primaflora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Primaflora)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/14 "2002-06-26T02:43:57Z")
There’s just so many variables though, Goo. As you know, I’ve lost children in the past and I suspect that if I had been offered Ambrose, living and not brain damaged at the cost of Mr P, I have no idea what I would do. I think too, that it’s going to be different in different stages of life. Certainly with young kids, it seems fairer to me to give them a chance of more life than it would be to eke more years of an adult life. ---
**Author:** ![Theobroma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5a626/32.png) [@Theobroma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Theobroma)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/15 "2002-06-26T11:53:08Z")
Tough one. My son asks (knowing the answer, of course) “who do you love more, me or Daddy?” The answer: “You are from my body, blood of my blood, and my only child, so I love you special. But Daddy is the one that I chose myself out of 3 billion men in the world. Work it out yourself.” Couldn’t choose. ---
**Author:** ![Kid\_Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kid\_Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kid_Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/16 "2002-06-26T12:01:28Z")
I refuse to answer the “who will live or die” question as it is a scenario too far outside my experience to truly anticipate how I would react. However, who I would never see again is easy. When we have children it is with the idea (and the goal) that they will someday leave. When we marry we hope it will be for life. Granted, if the need to choose is caused by an unwarranted ultimatim from the spouse, then she gets the boot. But otherwise, I would say goodbye to my child before I would leave my wife. Also, the question of “Who do you save, the mother or the unborn child?” I go for saving the mom, over a child I’ve never met. And I’m generally anti-abortion. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/17 "2002-06-26T15:08:18Z")
I would choose both. Meaning, if one had to die, it should be me and not either of them. And if one had to leave it should be me, as I can’t see my children without a mother. ---
**Author:** ![breaknrun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbce88/32.png) [@breaknrun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaknrun)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-for-parents/115833/18 "2002-06-26T15:31:43Z")
I am no longer married and have no kids but can I answer anyway? I would always choose my wife and I note that in the few male responses we’re received seem to echo that. My reasoning follows the same lines as \*\*Kid\_Gilligan[\b]