# Poll: Is being polite to people you disagree with worthwhile? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 26, 2009, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188 "2009-10-26T15:50:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SiXSwordS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/49beb7/32.png) [@SiXSwordS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SiXSwordS)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/21 "2009-10-26T18:02:24Z")
You left out the ‘e’ in politeness in the body of the poll. I’m always most polite and civil to those who point out miner errers in gramer or spelng during a discourse on the of chnge that I made a mistake myself. ---
**Author:** ![Gustav](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/919ad9/32.png) [@Gustav](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gustav)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/22 "2009-10-26T18:03:20Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > That’s not what we’re discussing here though. Being polite doesn’t mean that you have to have the discussion. One could always say “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to debate you about this.” But that’s not better at all, it just looks like you don’t have any counterarguments… ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/23 "2009-10-26T18:10:46Z")
> [@Gustav](#): > > But that’s not better at all, it just looks like you don’t have any counterarguments… In that case join the debate. Just be polite with it. Compare these two statements: “I understand why you think that, but the fossil record clearly indicates otherwise.” The fossil record clearly indicates otherwise, you f\*\*\*ing jerk. And your mom’s a whore." ---
**Author:** ![Haunted](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/898d66/32.png) [@Haunted](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Haunted)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/24 "2009-10-26T18:21:09Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I have to wonder about people who think it’s perfectly OK to start an Internet conversation by insulting everyone. My first thought is that they are basement-dwelling teenagers who never had the chance to develop real interpersonal skills. I’m often surprised to learn that they are adults with positions of responsibility and social interaction. I pretty much agree with this. I’m really turned off by the number of very intelligent adults who continuously act with rudeness and arrogance when communicating with others, especially on the internet. Yes, they’re intelligent, but how smart are they if they haven’t learned how to communicate in a way that accomplishes something other than pissing everybody off and making themselves look like jackasses? ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/25 "2009-10-26T18:23:47Z")
Now, if only all this politeness and rational discourse could be transferred to GD…😛 ---
**Author:** ![Gustav](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/919ad9/32.png) [@Gustav](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gustav)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/26 "2009-10-26T18:32:02Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > In that case join the debate. Just be polite with it. Compare these two statements: > > “I understand why you think that, but the fossil record clearly indicates otherwise.” > > The fossil record clearly indicates otherwise, you f\*\*\*ing jerk. And your mom’s a whore." While option two is completely douchey and unconstructive, option one has the unfortunate quality that it gives the incorrect impression that the opinion is a reasonable opinion to have. If that opinion is for example that the world is 6000 years old, then it’s NOT understandable to think that! It’s completely idiotic! That point needs to be communicated and there’s really no polite way to do that, but I _certainly_ agree that calling someone’s mom a whore is uncalled for (duh). ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/27 "2009-10-26T18:44:45Z")
There’s a difference between being polite and being patronizing. If someone believes that the flying spaghetti monster created the world, one can clearly say something like, “The view you are advocating is utterly without basis in scientific fact, and reminds me of the fanciful, bizarre explanations offered by children on things they simply don’t understand.” But I’m kind of wordy. In any case, the argument, although belittling of the FSM, is focused on the argument, not the person. What is not acceptable or polite in my book is something like, “Your childlike belief in the FSM beggars rationality.” OTOH, patronizing would sound something like, “You have a very interesting view, and while I’d appreciate hearing more evidence on how this levitating pasta creature created the world, I am afraid that my knowledge of science would lead me to believe that … etc.” Being polite doesn’t mean you have to take a stupid point seriously. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/28 "2009-10-26T18:48:15Z")
> [@Gustav](#): > > [QUOTE=tdn] > > In that case join the debate. Just be polite with it. Compare these two statements: > > “I understand why you think that, but the fossil record clearly indicates otherwise.” > > The fossil record clearly indicates otherwise, you f\*\*\*ing jerk. And your mom’s a whore." [snip] option one has the unfortunate quality that it gives the incorrect impression that the opinion is a reasonable opinion to have. [/QUOTE] I understand why you think that, but English usage clearly indicates otherwise. 😃 _I understand why you think that, but_ is used soften a statement that might otherwise be taken as unduly confrontational or aggressive. It acknowledges the other person’s opinion as not being perversely irrational or entirely arbitrary, but raher based on errors of logic or fact. By doing so, it avoids (or seeks to avoid) vexing the other person unnecessarily, and moreover gives the impression to onlookers that the person uttering it is being respectful rather than bullying. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/29 "2009-10-26T18:52:44Z")
> [@Gustav](#): > > While option two is completely douchey and unconstructive, option one has the unfortunate quality that it gives the incorrect impression that the opinion is a reasonable opinion to have. If that opinion is for example that the world is 6000 years old, then it’s NOT understandable to think that! It’s completely idiotic! Well, of course you’d have to take it on a case-by-case basis. In the above case I wouldn’t say “That’s a valid opinion, but I disagree”, because it’s not a valid opinion. If I’m feeling very polite I might say “I understand that you’ve held that belief all your life, and I know it’s tough to change a long-held belief, but…” Calling the person’s belief idiotic is rude, but it’s better than calling the person idiotic. And while you might not want to lend any validity to a very wrong perspective, don’t underestimate the power of making someone feel understood. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/30 "2009-10-26T19:17:37Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Calling the person’s belief idiotic is rude, but it’s better than calling the person idiotic. I’m not sure it is. It feels just the same to me. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/31 "2009-10-26T19:18:59Z")
> [@dangermom](#): > > I’m not sure it is. It feels just the same to me. True enough. People get awfully attached to their beliefs. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/32 "2009-10-26T19:27:05Z")
All the time, when you can manage it. You can respectfully disagree and maintain civil discourse. When you can’t you need to end the discourse. The only thing being an asshole accomplishes is to demonstrate that you vote that it’s ok to treat people assholishly. Attitude is contagious. ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/33 "2009-10-26T22:23:57Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I answered All the Time, but that doesn’t really describe the reality of it. I believe in treating people with respect and keeping my composure, but if someone is being a complete jackass to me, then politeness is not at the top of my to-do list. This works for me, too. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/34 "2009-10-26T23:06:05Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Can you expound on why you think politeness is a barrier to discourse? Honesty demands one not spare another’s feelings. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2009, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/35 "2009-10-26T23:40:09Z")
I’m just surprised that my choice is winning so nearly unanimously. While I’m sure that some don’t practice what they preach, it seems that the ones who don’t believe it are just more prominent. It’s a basic study of human interactions: if I feel threatened or insulted, I’m going to feel the need to defend myself. This need can be so strong as to trump the need for being fair to my opponent. Heck, it can even override my knowledge that being mean to you won’t help. But, more importantly, it makes me more likely to look for evidence for my position, and not against it. The more “evidence” I gather, the more I will tell myself I am right, and the stronger my belief will become. It’s the same thinking that makes “fundamentailists” so closed minded. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2009, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/36 "2009-10-27T00:36:40Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Honesty demands one not spare another’s feelings. Is honesty the only virtue? The most important one? Does honesty require that one give ever single thought voice, or can one keep some thoughts to oneself and still be ethical/? ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2009, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/37 "2009-10-27T00:50:01Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Is honesty the only virtue? The most important one? Does honesty require that one give ever single thought voice, or can one keep some thoughts to oneself and still be ethical/? Of course _some_ thoughts can be kept to oneself, but it seems logical that the higher the stakes go, both the need for honesty _and_ the potential for grave offense are greater. So a good rule of thumb might be: the worse it might hurt someone, the greater the _need_ for frank talk. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2009, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/38 "2009-10-27T00:53:55Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Of course _some_ thoughts can be kept to oneself, but it seems logical that the higher the stakes go, both the need for honesty _and_ the potential for grave offense are greater. So a good rule of thumb might be: the worse it might hurt someone, the greater the _need_ for frank talk. But _frank_ is not synonymous with _impolitic_. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2009, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/39 "2009-10-27T01:36:47Z")
I think in such a case, though, there needs to be a certain amount of trust as well. You can’t be painfully frank with someone who barely knows you and does not trust you; the message would not be heard. Unless you have communication and empathy super-powers, I guess. I sure don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2009, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188/40 "2009-10-27T01:39:37Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > But _frank_ is not synonymous with _impolitic_. Well, of course. One always gives way to power; it’s the only meaningful force left in society. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-is-being-polite-to-people-you-disagree-with-worthwhile/515188.md?page=3)