# Poll: Would you date someone who was separated? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 27, 2009, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870 "2009-08-27T03:42:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/21 "2009-08-27T13:19:50Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > Lot of judgmental people here… Having standards regarding who you’ll date isn’t being judgmental. No one is saying that separated people are horrible people, just that they’re not suitable for them to date. Everyone has the right to decide things like that. Does not make them judgmental, or anything else, except maybe picky. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/22 "2009-08-27T13:32:44Z")
Marriages do heal, so no, I wouldn’t. In fact, my rule of thumb is not to date anyone until at least a year after the divorce. But that has more to do with my experience on how long it takes to be really “over” it. From what I’ve seen, people who don’t take sufficient time off from dating after a major breakup tend to repeat the same destructive patterns over and over again. Thre are, of course, exceptions, but my money is on “you need more time.” ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/23 "2009-08-27T13:55:08Z")
I see no reason to rule it out completely, it depends on the person and the situation. I’m not interested in getting involved in anyone’s breakup drama, but since I’m also not looking for anything serious or long-term, I also don’t need them to be “over it” (which I’m interpreting as “ready for their next serious relationship”). Come to think of it, I see nothing wrong with occasionally being the “rebound”. Everyone needs one, folks have been kind enough to do it for me, and since I’m all about the casual dating anyway, why not help someone get their groove back? ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/24 "2009-08-27T14:05:29Z")
> [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](#): > > I would. “Marriage is a state of mind.” If that state of mind is not there, the person is back on the open market, in my book. I sort of go along with this, though I believe marriage is a spiritual union, as such some people who think they are single (never married) are actually married in their heart to another. It would really depend on the circumstances, is this person trying to place their partner onto you or are they really over with them? It may be helpful or not, it really depends on the persons. ---
**Author:** ![Telcontar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Telcontar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telcontar)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/25 "2009-08-27T14:05:33Z")
For companionship? sure. Then again, I view my life as requiring a steady supply of dance, movie going, and dinner companions (and prefer members of the opposite sex for all of those things), and thus do not automatically associate any those things with sex, sexuality, and romance. On the other hand, this often gives people the impression of having a harem, so perhaps my perspective is just weird :-P. Whether I’d date-date someone who was separated would depend on the person, the situation, etc, but i’d be open to getting to know them well enough that i’d be able to judge those things. ---
**Author:** ![Brainiac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8797f3/32.png) [@Brainiac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/26 "2009-08-27T14:08:35Z")
I dated a woman who was separated once, only because she neglected to tell me until we were out. When she said she was separated and might get back with him, but “wanted some other men to rub in his face”, I wished I’d never given her my phone number. I could envision my life ending any minute. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/27 "2009-08-27T14:08:54Z")
I’ve dated someone who was separated, and my advice for anyone who wants to is: be absolutely sure of the intentions of both that person \*and \*their spouse. In fact, have a face-to-face chat with the spouse if possible. Sure, \*you \*say you’re separated with no chance of reconciliation, but your ex, the one who just showed up looking for a little old-times’-sake lovin’ while we were in the midst of some newfangled lovin’ ourselves, and who is now screaming horrible things at us and threating violence as I try to dress and depart as quickly and quietly as possible, seems to think otherwise. True story. And specifically to your question, if you said you were > [@Asimovian](#): > > currently separated and just looking to enjoy the company of a nice man/woman like you (be that sexually, or just for companionship, or “other”) and not seeking anything long-term I’d want to know exactly what you meant by “currently separated” - do you mean “not yet divorced” or “separated for now but we’ll see how things go”? If it were the former, I could see being fine with it, if I also weren’t looking for anything long-term, but if it were the latter, I wouldn’t want any part of it. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/28 "2009-08-27T14:09:30Z")
> [@](#): > > No. Separated is still married, and I don’t date married people. What I resented about that attitude when I was separated-and-not-yet-divorced was that I felt like it implied I would be cheating if I dated before we divorced - yet I was cheated on, thrown out and my ex had a new girlfriend moved in within a month. The idea of staying faithful to him for the 14 months it took for the divorce to come through did not appeal at all. Maybe I wasn’t emotionally ready - there’s definitely a case to be made for that, I really wasn’t - but “separated is still married” implies that legal status, not emotional readiness, is the concern. Of course, everyone is free to set their own boundaries regarding who they will and will not date, and it’s as fair a limit as any. It just rankled to feel like people were sitting in judgement on me for dating before I could get the divorce when I was the wronged party. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/29 "2009-08-27T14:17:51Z")
It really depends - which side of the relationship are you on? Are you on the “We’re taking some time to work things out separately but I still want our marriage to succeed” side or the “have to wait a court-mandated amount of time to finalize the divorce” side? That is, are you hoping that your current relationship will still work out, or is it way over except for the paperwork? If the former, no. Not in the dating sense. I’d possibly meet up with you for coffee or a movie just for friendsies, but that’s it. You’re still committed to that other relationship, and it’s not fair for either of us. If it’s the latter, then yeah, I’d think about dating someone who was separated. It’s all rather moot, however, as I’m married myself. **Asmovian** , I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but your various threads are confusing. I feel for you, and I’m sorry you’re going through this heartache, but do you really want to save your marriage? Do you really want to be with this person? If I was separated from someone who told me he wanted to save our relationship and work on it, then starting dating, I’d take that badly. It’d demonstrate to me that he didn’t really want to save us. But I’m not your wife, who I don’t know and you do. I did just want to offer my female perspective. Again, I’m really sorry you have to deal with all of this - my heart does go out to you. ETA: Just reread your OP and saw the first sentence. I’m sort of glad you’re not really considering the dating thing. My perspective still stands, however. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/30 "2009-08-27T14:28:28Z")
My husband, of almost 21 years, was separated when we began dating. However. . .he was living in Maryland, and his wife was still in England (where they had lived together as husband and wife for the single year they were married). Also, when our relationship started, it wasn’t serious or exclusive. In fact, we were both dating other people, too. It took us almost 4 years to get around to getting engaged! ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/31 "2009-08-27T14:29:47Z")
> [@Telperien](#): > > No. Separated is still married, and I don’t date married people. Exactly. Not until the ink is dry, and even then, I’d wait a while. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/32 "2009-08-27T14:46:34Z")
[QUOTE=DianaG] Come to think of it, I see nothing wrong with occasionally being the “rebound”. [/QUOTE] I’ve been the first woman someone has dated after his divorce about 3 times now, and it was always ok with me. If a guy is going on his first date in X years I’d rather it be with me than someone who might treat him poorly! [QUOTE=Cazzle] What I resented about that attitude when I was separated-and-not-yet-divorced was that I felt like it implied I would be cheating if I dated before we divorced [/QUOTE] When I say “I don’t date married people” it’s not about cheating or the legality: it’s about the emotional involvement. “Married” can also include men in marriage-like relationships. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/33 "2009-08-27T14:49:57Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Having standards regarding who you’ll date isn’t being judgmental. No one is saying that separated people are horrible people, just that they’re not suitable for them to date. Everyone has the right to decide things like that. Does not make them judgmental, or anything else, except maybe picky. > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Even if he had been separated for years, and had excuses for not divorcing yet, still wouldn’t. That just shows a lack of initiation, money, and/or self-respect. Nope. That sounds pretty judgmental to me… ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/34 "2009-08-27T15:30:21Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > What I resented about that attitude when I was separated-and-not-yet-divorced was that I felt like it implied I would be cheating if I dated before we divorced - yet I was cheated on, thrown out and my ex had a new girlfriend moved in within a month. The idea of staying faithful to him for the 14 months it took for the divorce to come through did not appeal at all. Maybe I wasn’t emotionally ready - there’s definitely a case to be made for that, I really wasn’t - but “separated is still married” implies that legal status, not emotional readiness, is the concern. > > Of course, everyone is free to set their own boundaries regarding who they will and will not date, and it’s as fair a limit as any. It just rankled to feel like people were sitting in judgement on me for dating before I could get the divorce when I was the wronged party. I don’t mean it to pass judgment on someone that way, especially if they were the wronged party, as you were. I am just not comfortable dating someone who is still married in any way. It is purely a personal thing about me, not a judgment on them. I can’t speak for how other people feel about it, though. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/35 "2009-08-27T15:31:31Z")
**Snickers** , thank you for the kind words. With regard to my personal situation, yes, my wife and I very much are trying to work things out between us and plan to get back together. As much as _she_ would like me to be out dating other people (a situation that is far more convoluted than I want to get into in this thread), I don’t really see it happening, and based on the responses in this thread, I don’t imagine there are many women who would want to date a guy in my circumstance, anyway. Don’t get me wrong: much like **Telcontar** said upthread, I also tend to enjoy the companionship of other females (I have always gotten along better with women), and I have gone to dinner and movies and etc. with female friends. I am not entirely sure where you draw the line between spending time with a person and actually dating them, but I haven’t done anything – and don’t really foresee doing anything – that has romantic intentions behind it. ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/36 "2009-08-27T15:37:05Z")
Add me to the “It depends” list. I dated while separated from my wife, the divorce was pending, we weren’t deciding to divorce, often the intention of a “trial separation”. I was very up-front with the women I dated, let them know in my online dating profiles that I was separated but the divorce was definite. We, my wife and I, had such a non-functional relationship that there wasn’t a lot of baggage brought into the dating life but there definitely was some - most of it, though, was learning to be a single, part-time father and the drama that came with that. I guess, if you feel ready to date, then do it - but be honest about your legal marital status to your date. If you’re not ready - then don’t. There’s already plenty of drama in divorce without adding more. …and watch out for rebound behavior… ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/37 "2009-08-27T16:29:21Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > What I resented about that attitude when I was separated-and-not-yet-divorced was that I felt like it implied I would be cheating if I dated before we divorced - yet I was cheated on, thrown out and my ex had a new girlfriend moved in within a month. The idea of staying faithful to him for the 14 months it took for the divorce to come through did not appeal at all. Maybe I wasn’t emotionally ready - there’s definitely a case to be made for that, I really wasn’t - but “separated is still married” implies that legal status, not emotional readiness, is the concern. > > Of course, everyone is free to set their own boundaries regarding who they will and will not date, and it’s as fair a limit as any. It just rankled to feel like people were sitting in judgement on me for dating before I could get the divorce when I was the wronged party. IMO legal status is just as important as emotional readiness. It’s a contract that’s still in effect. It doesn’t matter to me who the wronged party is or who’s right. It’s not a ‘sitting in judgment’ thing, it’s just that married is married, regardless of what the other person has gotten up to. Now that’s just me, and obviously you’re not going to date me. That’s just fine. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/38 "2009-08-27T16:35:30Z")
I did. I was hesitant, but I believed he was sincere in the first marriage being over. He was, and they got divorced about 4 months later. A year after that we got married, and now we’ve been married 13 years and have 4 kids. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/39 "2009-08-27T17:46:58Z")
I have zero intention of ever dating again, so with that grain of salt: For the most part, I can’t imagine it. There are a few tiny exceptional circumstances where I could see dating someone separated, but they are unusual enough that I think there are other issues with them. ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870/40 "2009-08-27T18:01:16Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > What I resented about that attitude when I was separated-and-not-yet-divorced was that I felt like it implied I would be cheating if I dated before we divorced - yet I was cheated on, thrown out and my ex had a new girlfriend moved in within a month. The idea of staying faithful to him for the 14 months it took for the divorce to come through did not appeal at all. Maybe I wasn’t emotionally ready - there’s definitely a case to be made for that, I really wasn’t - but “separated is still married” implies that legal status, not emotional readiness, is the concern. > > Of course, everyone is free to set their own boundaries regarding who they will and will not date, and it’s as fair a limit as any. It just rankled to feel like people were sitting in judgement on me for dating before I could get the divorce when I was the wronged party. QFT [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-would-you-date-someone-who-was-separated/507870.md?page=3)