# Poll: Your reaction to "If Black People Said the Stuff White People Say" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 21, 2014, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305 "2014-06-21T17:28:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Yookeroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yookeroo/32/323_2.png) [@Yookeroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yookeroo)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/61 "2014-06-22T06:34:10Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Why do white people keep saying “I’ve never heard these things.” Why would people say these things to you? Yeah. I thought the video was funny, but these reactions are even funnier. I rarely hear these things, but there’s no reason why I would. I have no problem believing that black people hear this stuff pretty regularly. ---
**Author:** ![Silvorange](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Silvorange](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silvorange)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 9:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/62 "2014-06-22T09:33:09Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > How about being asked if I had those “knots” in my hair when I was a little girl, with scornful emphasis on the word “knots”. I hope I wasn’t supposed to take this as a compliment. Because I didn’t. This, by the way, is pretty much what I was saying: I would not think that someone being so blatantly insulting was trying to be nice. I’ve had people compliment me on my “thick thighs” and “fat ass” before. It’s not what I want to hear, but I understand that they mean well. I’ve had strangers throw things at me and tell me to lose some weight. Shitty, but consistent with assholish behavior. If someone came up, smiled, and said in all sincerity, “I just love your figure! You have such huge rolls of fat!” well, that would be really weird and completely unlike how I expect even very rude people to behave. That was how those two particular parts of the video came across to me. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/63 "2014-06-22T11:32:37Z")
I can’t watch the video on my limited bandwidth internet, but I’m guessing I’d think it was hilarious and accurate. White people do often say ridiculously insensitive and stupid things to black people all the time. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/64 "2014-06-22T12:47:59Z")
I’m white. I laughed at a couple of them and cringed at a couple, but didn’t understand several. I was raised in Florida. My grand daughter is bi-racial and has very curly blonde hair and white skin. She gets a lot of attention when we’re out in public, because she is adorable. It is not uncommon to be asked where she got her hair. It always feels really awkward. Yes, she’s adopted. Maybe this explains why I found the ones about hair especially funny. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/65 "2014-06-22T12:57:26Z")
> [@Yookeroo](#): > > Yeah. I thought the video was funny, but these reactions are even funnier. I rarely hear these things, but there’s no reason why I would. I have no problem believing that black people hear this stuff pretty regularly. I’ve heard things _at least_ this stupid from being Jewish in an area where that wasn’t common; I have no problem believing that black people experience this regularly, even if not “often” – some astonishing shit comes out of people’s mouths when they think they’re being friendly. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/66 "2014-06-22T13:14:40Z")
> [@guizot](#): > > I think that’s literally something straight out of _The Office_. I’d be curious to know what kind of place it is. I mean, are you like the only black employee in the whole place? Or is it in the suburbs of Maine or something? I am not the only one, but there are only a few black people in my office. However, I work in Richmond, VA, which is not exactly a lily-white place. I don’t think most of my coworkers have ever interacted with black people as social equals. They were educated in segregated schools as kids and attended colleges/universities that were heavily white. Most of them are in their late 40s and older. So I wouldn’t expect them to be particularly “hip”. I would expect them to sometimes say the wrong things and have major misconceptions about me. We really aren’t that far removed from the “bad old days” here in the capital of the Confederacy. > [@](#): > > I don’t know how you keep from slapping them in the face. It’s really not that hard. For one thing, I really like being employed. If I went around slapping everyone who said mildly offensive things to me, I would haven’t a job. I also recognize that it’s really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. I can get het up when I want to, but you’re going to have to do more than question my ability to tan for me to file a complaint with HR. > [@](#): > > In that case, it could serve as a useful PSA, if only you could get people like that to watch and understand it.I think being clueless _is_ racist. Racism isn’t just about hatred or dislike–it’s a mental framework, that even well-intentioned people can perpetuate. It doesn’t have to be personal. The stereotypical southern sheriff thing, while still a reality, actually just serves as a convenient, easy-to-hate villian, that draws attention away from more systemic socio-economic problems that are harder to solve. If you look at my posting history, you will see that I’m not afraid to call racism out when I see it. But I also don’t think it’s helpful to label all of this as racist. Some of them are definitely based on racist beliefs (“you speak so well”), but the comment about tanning comes from a place of ignorance. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/67 "2014-06-22T14:08:23Z")
> [@Silvorange](#): > > This, by the way, is pretty much what I was saying: I would not think that someone being so blatantly insulting was trying to be nice. I’ve had people compliment me on my “thick thighs” and “fat ass” before. It’s not what I want to hear, but I understand that they mean well. I’ve had strangers throw things at me and tell me to lose some weight. Shitty, but consistent with assholish behavior. If someone came up, smiled, and said in all sincerity, “I just love your figure! You have such huge rolls of fat!” well, that would be really weird and completely unlike how I expect even very rude people to behave. That was how those two particular parts of the video came across to me. I think the point of the video was showing white people how their compliments are often perceived to black people. A white person may use “nappy” is a value-neutral description for a hair texture, not realizing that “nappy” is used an insult more often than not. Or they may compliment someone on having an “exotic” appearance, not realizing that this connotes “wild alien” more than “stunning beauty”. It’s not that white people are intending to be insulting. I don’t even think they guy who asked if I had knots in my hair as a kid was intending to be insulting. But word choice matters. The problem with the video is that aren’t a whole lot of words that black people find value-neutral or positive but are insulting to white people. The closest is maybe “ghetto booty”. I would never compliment a white person on her ghetto booty, because I know that big butts are typically not esteemed in the white community. Even if the white person knew I meant it in a nice way, I know that it’s likely engender negative feelings. (But I also wouldn’t be complimenting anyone on their ass, so there’s that.) ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/68 "2014-06-22T14:24:41Z")
> [@](#): > > It’s not that white people are intending to be insulting. I don’t even think they guy who asked if I had knots in my hair as a kid was intending to be insulting. But word choice matters. I agree. it’s like, well meaning people feel a need to “ethnicize” their compliments, which comes out really insulting. Like why say “I love your wild, exotic, nappy hair” when “I love your hair - it looks great” does just fine!? You don’t have to prove you “know all about” [whatever subculture or subethnicity] to give a compliment. Give compliments that don’t have anything to do with being black/white/asian/jewish, etc and you won’t have any problems. Crazy, right!? Just to give another example, I have red hair but I’m NOT IRISH. I have had people come up to me and start telling me all about their amazing trip to Ireland, leaving me going… WTF, why are you telling me this, lady. I have to imagine that “let me tell you about my trip to Africa” is this times a billion if you’re even slightly brown. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/69 "2014-06-22T14:37:08Z")
[QUOTE=Hello Again;17483831 Like why say “I love your wild, exotic, nappy hair” when “I love your hair - it looks great” does just fine!? You don’t have to prove you “know all about” [whatever subculture or subethnicity] to give a compliment. Give compliments that don’t have anything to do with being black/white/asian/jewish, etc and you won’t have any problems. Crazy, right!? [/QUOTE] And I come from a city where ethnic identity is pretty important and generally much discussed. I have a Polish last name, and the first question out of anyone’s mouth here generally is “oh, is that a Polish name?” and then perhaps some general comments on Polish culture or food. I personally find that fairly normal and not in the least bit insulting but, like I said, culture is pretty important here. People self-identify as Polish-American, Irish-American, Greek-American, Ukrainian-American, etc., regularly, and it’s not seen as being unusual. Now, not being a historically oppressed group, I can see this is not analogous to the situation in the OP. But ethnic curiosity or small talk in general, to me, is just that–curiosity and small talk. Why would I take offense when none is meant? Last week, for example, I met with a mother of a bride at a wedding, and the first thing she says to me is “dzien dobry” (“good day” in Polish), without knowing I even speak Polish, just guessing on my last name. And then she mentions something about having a nice older Polish couple at the wedding that are good friends of theirs. Do I really care that there’s another Polish couple there? No. Why would I? Outside my family, I don’t really hang out with many Polish people. But it was cute, and clearly no offense was intended. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/70 "2014-06-22T14:46:53Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > Just to give another example, I have red hair but I’m NOT IRISH. I have had people come up to me and start telling me all about their amazing trip to Ireland, leaving me going… WTF, why are you telling me this, lady. I have to imagine that “let me tell you about my trip to Africa” is this times a billion if you’re even slightly brown. Once I got a ride from the airport from a coworker’s husband, who I had never met before. I hadn’t even closed the passenger-side door before he started explaining the cultural significance of black and Jewish alliances in the 20th century. Then he entertained me by telling me all about how he was Al Sharpton’s teacher in high school. I think I laughed? I mean, it was so crazy that I didn’t know what else to do, and it was a small price to pay for a free ride home. But dayum. There are so many other things we could have talked about. Like the conference his wife and I had just attended for the past week. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/71 "2014-06-22T14:52:59Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > And then she mentions something about having a nice older Polish couple at the wedding that are good friends of theirs. Do I really care that there’s another Polish couple there? No. Why would I? Outside my family, I don’t really hang out with many Polish people. But it was cute, and clearly no offense was intended. Don’t you think there is a difference between “offense” and “harmless in isolation, annoying in aggregation”? Personally I don’t have a problem with anyone talking to me about my ethnicity or race. But there’s a lame way to go about it, and there’s a not-lame way. The video is focused on the “lame” way. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/72 "2014-06-22T14:53:43Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > And I come from a city where ethnic identity is pretty important and generally much discussed. I have a Polish last name, and the first question out of anyone’s mouth here generally is “oh, is that a Polish name?” and then perhaps some general comments on Polish culture or food. I personally find that fairly normal and not in the least bit insulting but, like I said, culture is pretty important here. People self-identify as Polish-American, Irish-American, Greek-American, Ukrainian-American, etc., regularly, and it’s not seen as being unusual. I don’t think you understood me. I’m not saying you have to hide your ethnicity or not self-identify – I’m saying that when you are not a member of that group, making compliments based on half-baked knowledge, assumptions, and stereotypes does not make you look good “You’re so smart! I can’t hardly believe you’re Polish” – not a compliment “Oh you’re Irish? What’s it like to grow up with an alcoholic father?” – not a polite question. “I love your big round Polish moon-face” - uhhhhh… ok. ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/73 "2014-06-22T15:07:47Z")
Though FWIW, I **have** had black (and latino) people tell me they’re “whiter than [me]” because they listen to certain music or watch certain TV or movies. Like, I realize ethnic groups in the US have distinct cultures in some ways, and certain things are associated strongly with those ethnic groups, but it always struck me as a very, very odd statement. Maybe not really offensive (from the perspective of my white privilege), but certainly a bit tone deaf. I think a lot of ethnicities in the US do this though. I’ve seen Scots-Irish Americans have pissing matches over how “Irish” they are in comparison to one another because they like Guinness and Flogging Molly so much. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/74 "2014-06-22T15:21:20Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Once I got a ride from the airport from a coworker’s husband, who I had never met before. I hadn’t even closed the passenger-side door before he started explaining the cultural significance of black and Jewish alliances in the 20th century. > > Then he entertained me by telling me all about how he was Al Sharpton’s teacher in high school. > > I think I laughed? I mean, it was so crazy that I didn’t know what else to do, and it was a small price to pay for a free ride home. But dayum. There are so many other things we could have talked about. Like the conference his wife and I had just attended for the past week. I have this black friend out here in CA. His name is Josh. Maybe you know him! ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/75 "2014-06-22T15:34:52Z")
> [@](#): > > It’s happened to me with coworkers I consider “friends”, sure. They’ll bop into my office, notice that I’m listening to rock music, and then say something like, “Do you listen to any rap? I’m blacker than you, girl!” Or I might utter an expression that’s common with black people, and they’ll suddenly start speaking faux-Ebonics. Or they may mention a certain basketball player that attends my alma mater and point out, apropos of nothing, how well he speaks, and then ask if this means he has parents like mine that value education and hard work\*. Sometimes the comments are so subtle and minor that I don’t notice them until long after the interaction, and when I do I don’t feel anything. And then some of them, like the last one, register a giant WTF!..but I STILL keep my mouth shut so that I won’t appear angry to the lame-ass white person trying to relate to me the best way they know how. I’ve overheard quite a lot of cluelessly racist stuff from co-workers over decades (most of that time in the oil industry, if that matters) and I’m pretty sensitive to it, even if I’m not the target. In general, if it comes down to just blurting out anything for the sake of conversation, I’d rather be thought of as socially awkward, and maybe aloof, than a flat-out jerk. So, voted “stupid and maybe racist”, 'cause that’s how it struck me. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/76 "2014-06-22T16:10:06Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > LOL. Yeah, because white people only say pleasant things to us about our hair. We never hear the term “nappy” used derisively or told our hair looks like a Brillo pad when being generous, or pubes when they’re not. Get out of here with “White people only say nice things about black people’s hair, so this video doesn’t work.” > > Fuck me. Why do I even come into threads like this? The video is clearly about people giving what they think are compliments. The video is not about people people who are deliberately being jerks, like the people you mentioned. No one said anything close to what you are claiming they said. I sincerely hope you are having a bad day. Because, otherwise, it looks like you came into this thread looking to be offended. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/77 "2014-06-22T16:19:34Z")
As for what I think about the video: it got me to smile at some parts, but, as a whole, I don’t think it works. They didn’t seem to have as much to work with as the Asian video, and threw in things that really aren’t all that offensive either direction. I understand they’d get annoying over time, but the video doesn’t do them more than once, so that doesn’t happen. For example, I’ve had people ask to feel my hair before, and I’ve had a black friend who also had the same experience. Both of us didn’t mind at all and let it happen. That’s why I think they had to turn it into a deliberate backhanded complement. The video has its flaws, and I don’t see why saying that should be offensive. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/78 "2014-06-22T16:25:28Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I think the point of the video was showing white people how their compliments are often perceived to black people. Do we say a lot of stupid but well-intentioned things to black people? We certainly do. But rest assured, we say a lot of stupid but well-intentioned things to other white people as well. [How can even well-intentioned people be so thoughtless?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=725233) So we’re not treating you this way because you’re black. We act this way towards everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/79 "2014-06-22T16:33:06Z")
Ethnicity-centered “compliments” or small talk—even if it is ultimately innocent or not meant to be offensive—can get extremely tiresome, especially when it is based on “half-baked” understanding, as mentioned above, or comes from a very ethnocentric understanding of the world. — Trying way too hard to pronounce my name correctly. Okay, we’ve been over that once or twice now, and you’re not going to get it right. Can you just pick a pronunciation so we can move on? — “That’s such a beautiful name! Does it have a meaning?” — Thanks for making me feel exotic and out of place. You know, every name ultimately has a meaning—it’s a word in a language, after all. I’m sure you don’t know what Thomas, Richard, and Henry mean, so why do you never ask what they mean when you meet someone? — “Where are you from?” — I’m from _here_. Yes, I get it; you’re curious about my ancestral background. But again you’re implying that I don’t really belong here—You don’t ask white people named Joe Smith that question in that way. Especially if you follow up with, “No, I mean where are you _really_ from?” Fuuuuck. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2014, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305/80 "2014-06-22T16:33:41Z")
> [@installLSC](#): > > My main reaction is “what is this from, 1930?” Maybe it’s because I live in the very racially mixed area of Western Washington, but this strikes me more as “lamer than mother in law jokes” than anything else. In an age when interracial friendships and relationships don’t bat an eye anymore, the notion of a strictly binary race field is ridiculously outdated. Why not “if poor whites said the stuff rich whites say” or “if northern blacks said the stuff southern blacks say”? I also live in Western Washington and I hear this type of thing frequently enough that it resonated with me. This corner of the country is a wonderful place to live, I love it here, but we’re not as racially enlightened as we like to believe that we are. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/poll-your-reaction-to-if-black-people-said-the-stuff-white-people-say/691305.md?page=5)