# Polyamorus? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 18, 2012, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392 "2012-12-18T02:52:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/21 "2012-12-18T03:57:03Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Sorry you feel insulted. I personally don’t think a lot of those examples are attractive. If physical attraction isn’t the issue in polyamourism, what is? I’m not insulted as I’m not poly amorous. But you asked what you might need to apologize for, and since a couple self identified polyamorous folks showed up, who you implied were not appealing and orgres right fom the get go, but you’d love if they’d give you insight into their deepest feelings, maybe a quick ‘I’m sorry’ wouldn’t be a bad idea, no? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/22 "2012-12-18T03:57:28Z")
Sorry for using the word ogre. I meant, not typically attractive. ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/23 "2012-12-18T03:57:53Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Sorry you feel insulted. I personally don’t think a lot of those examples are attractive. If physical attraction isn’t the issue in polyamourism, what is? I’m not sure that **IvoryTowerDenizen** was personally insulted. But, as stated upthread, you poisoned the well. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/24 "2012-12-18T03:58:43Z")
> [@typoink](#): > > Polyamorous isn’t “a” thing, it’s a range of different relationships. The only real common factor is that it involves more-than-casual relationships with \>2 people. > > There are many poly people who make each relationship very serious. This CAN often result in flameouts when people simply get spread too thin (or underattended). It can also work very well. > > The larger number of succesful poly relationships are usually more assymetric. One may have a “primary” partner (often a spouse) and other secondary lovers. The degree of intimacy and affection and time spent with secondaries will vary heavily. Some may also have other partners / fuckbuddies / play partners that fall closer to the purely casual end of things. So how is that fair to those secondary partners? What if they have stronger feelings than being a second to your first? ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/25 "2012-12-18T03:59:00Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Sorry for using the word ogre. I meant, not typically attractive. I don’t know if I’m typically attractive. What does that have to do with anything? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/26 "2012-12-18T04:00:48Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > So how is that fair to those secondary partners? What if they have stronger feelings than being a second to your first? Then my guess is they choose not to participate or break it off, like any relationship where one person isn’t as into the other. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/27 "2012-12-18T04:01:08Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > If physical attraction isn’t the issue in polyamourism, what is? The _issue_ is people like yourself. If three fully consenting adults like living in a non-traditional relationship, why do you have such a problem with this? Do you talk about same-sex couples this way? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/28 "2012-12-18T04:01:48Z")
> [@PaulParkhead](#): > > I’m not sure that **IvoryTowerDenizen** was personally insulted. But, as stated upthread, you poisoned the well. Again, I am sorry. That was harsh. It was the first thing that came to mind, and it was a hyperbole. The same could be said for myself, so it wasn’t necessarily a pot shot. I am genuinely interested in trying to understand why one would chose to be polyamorous or the secondary to a polyamorous couple. Is it fetishistic? Is it always sexual? ---
**Author:** ![Small\_Hen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ad7895/32.png) [@Small\_Hen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Small_Hen)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/29 "2012-12-18T04:02:33Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > in the cited article, I thought those two were attention seeking ogres. They weren’t attractive or convincing, so that was my fist impression. > > I may be wrong. > > No one has convinced me otherwise though. No one is answering my questions except to point vaguely to attractive people who are allegedly polyamorous. You mean compared to articles featuring cis relationships (is that a term?), where everyone is gorgeous? You asked why poly people were ugly, which is quite a blunt question. Several of us pointed out attractive poly people, discrediting your assumption. You then went on to ask how poly marriages function. You may have done better to open with that less insulting question. You’ve have gotten more answers. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/30 "2012-12-18T04:02:51Z")
> [@Grumman](#): > > The _issue_ is people like yourself. If three fully consenting adults like living in a non-traditional relationship, why do you have such a problem with this? Do you talk about same-sex couples this way? What happens when children are involved? And no, I have no problem with SS couples? Do you? Why would you equate polyamourism with homosexuality? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/31 "2012-12-18T04:04:42Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > What happens when children are involved? And no, I have no problem with SS couples? Do you? Why would you equate polyamourism with homosexuality? Many nontraditional relationships often get scorn and derision, and despite its increased acceptance, SS couples are still not traditional as well. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/32 "2012-12-18T04:04:57Z")
> [@Small\_Hen](#): > > You mean compared to articles featuring cis relationships (is that a term?), where everyone is gorgeous? > > You asked why poly people were ugly, which is quite a blunt question. Several of us pointed out attractive poly people, discrediting your assumption. You then went on to ask how poly marriages function. You may have done better to open with that less insulting question. You’ve have gotten more answers. First of all, only one allegedly polyamorous guy was pointed out who is attractive. The other examples are just the word of others. But that is all inconsequential. If physical attractiveness and testing the waters isn’t the point of polyamourism, then what is? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/33 "2012-12-18T04:06:33Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Many nontraditional relationships often get scorn and derision. homosexuality is pretty darn traditional. It’s only derided as not being traditional in so called “conservative” circles. They are stuck in a fantasy era that never really existed. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/34 "2012-12-18T04:07:35Z")
> [@Small\_Hen](#): > > **You mean compared to articles featuring cis relationships (is that a term?), where everyone is gorgeous?** > > You asked why poly people were ugly, which is quite a blunt question. Several of us pointed out attractive poly people, discrediting your assumption. You then went on to ask how poly marriages function. You may have done better to open with that less insulting question. You’ve have gotten more answers. Bazinga, you got me. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/35 "2012-12-18T04:11:01Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > homosexuality is pretty darn traditional. It’s only derided as not being traditional in so called “conservative” circles. They are stuck in a fantasy era that never really existed. Trust me. This level of more widespread acceptance is a fairly recent phenomenon. I know too many SS couples who would disagree with the idea they’re considered traditional by the bulk of society. They’ve lived the scorn and derision that is still plenty prevalent. But we’re moving the right way. It’s still the answer to your question though. ---
**Author:** ![typoink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecb155/32.png) [@typoink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/typoink)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/36 "2012-12-18T04:12:37Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > So how is that fair to those secondary partners? What if they have stronger feelings than being a second to your first? Try to think of people as individuals capable of making their own choices and expressing their own opinions and you’ll have a much easier time here. Your questions keep presupposing there’s a single answer. The truth is much larger than that. How is it fair? Because people communicate what they want and need. Sometimes people DO find they can’t handle their position in a relationship. This can end in big angry fights, but doesn’t have to. Sometimes it means negotiating a different space in a relationship, sometimes it means the relationship has to end. ---
**Author:** ![Implicit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Implicit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Implicit)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/37 "2012-12-18T04:13:40Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I just realized I spelled polyamorous wrong in the thread title…oops. You meant polyam **ogre** ous? I’m sure a mod could fix that for you. ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/38 "2012-12-18T04:14:21Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Many nontraditional relationships often get scorn and derision, and despite its increased acceptance, SS couples are still not traditional as well. A friend of mine wrote what I think is a great short story, [Escape From Burning Man](http://sharthang.blogspot.com/2009/06/escape-from-burning-man.html), that begins with a bewildered and infuriated middle-aged protagonist thinking a young beau’s statement that “I’m into poly-am” was about “some new emo band” and flipping out at Burning Man when she finds out it means “you like to fuck anything and everything under the sun all at once and everyone around you is supposed to be okay with it”. I now cannot read the term “poly-am” without thinking “hey, a new emo band” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/39 "2012-12-18T04:15:30Z")
> [@robardin](#): > > A friend of mine wrote what I think is a great short story, [Escape From Burning Man](http://sharthang.blogspot.com/2009/06/escape-from-burning-man.html), that begins with a bewildered and infuriated middle-aged protagonist thinking a young beau’s statement that “I’m into poly-am” was about “some new emo band” and flipping out at Burning Man when she finds out it means “you like to fuck anything and everything under the sun all at once and everyone around you is supposed to be okay with it”. > > I now cannot read the term “poly-am” without thinking “hey, a new emo band” 🙂 They let middle-aged folks into Burning Man? Who knew? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/40 "2012-12-18T04:19:28Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Why would you equate polyamourism with homosexuality? Because my argument for supporting both is the same. It is _their_ opinion of their relationship that is important, not yours. If Alice is in love with both Bob and Charlie and they with her, and all three are happy with the unusual relationship, why on Earth would I begrudge them that? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392.md?page=3)