# Polyamorus? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 18, 2012, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392 "2012-12-18T02:52:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/41 "2012-12-18T04:20:45Z")
> [@robardin](#): > > A friend of mine wrote what I think is a great short story, [Escape From Burning Man](http://sharthang.blogspot.com/2009/06/escape-from-burning-man.html), that begins with a bewildered and infuriated middle-aged protagonist thinking a young beau’s statement that “I’m into poly-am” was about “some new emo band” and flipping out at Burning Man when **she finds out it means “you like to fuck anything and everything under the sun all at once and everyone around you is supposed to be okay with it”.** > > I now cannot read the term “poly-am” without thinking “hey, a new emo band” 🙂 But that isn’t what it means? At least I thought that at first, but I was corrected in this thread. It’s not swinging and it’s not an open relationship. Polyamourism is about having affectionate feelings for more than one person and being in relationships with those people at the same time, not just sleeping around. Right? Because if not I am confused all over again. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/42 "2012-12-18T04:20:57Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Again, I am sorry. That was harsh. It was the first thing that came to mind, and it was a hyperbole. The same could be said for myself, so it wasn’t necessarily a pot shot. > > I am genuinely interested in trying to understand why one would chose to be polyamorous or the secondary to a polyamorous couple. Is it fetishistic? Is it always sexual? Well, OK. Apology accepted. And just for reference, I didn’t actually take your “ogre” comment as meaning physically ugly people - I thought you were talking about _nasty_ people. You know, ogres. So, well. Poly isn’t a fetish, no. It has to do with who you love. And as to whether it’s always sexual, well, I can’t answer that. Is any relationship “always sexual”? ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/43 "2012-12-18T04:23:49Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > But that isn’t what it means? At least I thought that at first, but I was corrected in this thread. It’s not swinging and it’s not an open relationship. Polyamourism is about having affectionate feelings for more than one person and being in relationships with those people at the same time, not just sleeping around. Right? Because if not I am confused all over again. ☹ Right. There are any number of possible relationships, but yes, broadly it’s about having affectionate and loving feelings for more than one person. Sleeping around is something else entirely. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/44 "2012-12-18T04:24:17Z")
> [@typoink](#): > > Interestingly, many polyamorous people are also precisely the sort of people who don’t reflexively judge people based on appearances. For the WIN! ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/45 "2012-12-18T04:26:21Z")
> [@Grumman](#): > > Because my argument for supporting both is the same. It is _their_ opinion of their relationship that is important, not yours. If Alice is in love with both Bob and Charlie and they with her, and all three are happy with the unusual relationship, why on Earth would I begrudge them that? I’m not begrudging, I am questioning in order to understand. I have a question for you. Why do people seem to accept poly relationships but get all weirded out by polygamous marriages? (For the record I am weirded out by polygamous marriages myself) Is the deciding factor children? Is having children even common in polyamorous relationships? If so, how do you explain the realtionship(s) to the children? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/46 "2012-12-18T04:28:13Z")
I think historically polygamous marriage had incredible power imbalances and built in inequities that the more informal polyamorous relationships don’t seem to have. ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/47 "2012-12-18T04:32:34Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I think historically polygamous marriage had incredible power imbalances and built in inequities that the more informal polyamorous relationships don’t seem to have. Precisely. About 20 posts up I felt the urge to say “Isn’t the OP a Mormon?” The point is that it’s all fine, it’s all good - if some guy wants to have 5 wives, and they’ve all freely consented, are able to leave the relationship, and are treated as equals, what do I care? And if some woman wants to have 5 husbands, and they’ve all freely consented etc… ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/48 "2012-12-18T04:33:49Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I think historically polygamous marriage had incredible power imbalances and built in inequities that the more informal polyamorous relationships don’t seem to have. What about the case of one woman two men, proposed above? There seems to be a power imbalance, however enticing one that it is, but an imbalance none the less. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/49 "2012-12-18T04:36:08Z")
> [@PaulParkhead](#): > > Precisely. About 20 posts up I felt the urge to say “Isn’t the OP a Mormon?” The point is that it’s all fine, it’s all good - if some guy wants to have 5 wives, and they’ve all freely consented, are able to leave the relationship, and are treated as equals, what do I care? > > And if some woman wants to have 5 husbands, and they’ve all freely consented etc… But Mormons don’t do that, and in the LDS church it isn’t all good. So your point is hopefully facetious and not serious. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/50 "2012-12-18T04:37:57Z")
What about children? No one has answered that yet. The adults do as they wish, but what if a child is born into a poly relationship? Do you just raise Johnny with 5 dads a 6 moms? What do you do for legal guardianship/parental purposes? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/51 "2012-12-18T04:39:02Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > What about the case of one woman two men, proposed above? There seems to be a power imbalance, however enticing one that it is, but an imbalance none the less. Why is it an imbalance? Imbalances are based on power dynamics, not gender composition. Regarding kids- you ask what about the kids- well, what about them? Custody, discipline, explaining things? (ETA: Sorry, didnt see your last post). ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/52 "2012-12-18T04:41:04Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > But Mormons don’t do that, and in the LDS church it isn’t all good. So your point is hopefully facetious and not serious. It was facetious, yes. But I hope you can understand why I mentioned it. I do realise that “Big Love” was not a documentary. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/53 "2012-12-18T04:42:05Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Why is it an imbalance? Imbalances are based on power dynamics, not gender composition. > > Regarding kids- you ask what about the kids- well, what about them? Custody, discipline, explaining things? Oooh, so you are assuming all polygamous relationships mean a man lording over his wimmens. Maybe that is another case of an outsider looking in and judging based on their own preconceptions, just like I did with polyamorous people. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/54 "2012-12-18T04:42:33Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > So they claim to love others other than their main SO? I guess I can comprehend that in a unmarried realtionship, but how does that work in a marriage. You marry one person but love others outside of the marriage. And I am not talking about one dude and multiple wives, that is just another can of worms, but a marriage where both the man and woman have affection for other people than their spouse. Why, again I ask, get married? Because marriages have all sorts of legal advantages, and they can only legally marry one person. > [@April\_R](#): > > homosexuality is pretty darn traditional. It’s only derided as not being traditional in so called “conservative” circles. They are stuck in a fantasy era that never really existed. As long as we are playing the what’s-more-traditional game, polygamy is if anything more traditional than monogamy. ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/55 "2012-12-18T04:42:46Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > What about children? No one has answered that yet. The adults do as they wish, but what if a child is born into a poly relationship? Do you just raise Johnny with 5 dads a 6 moms? What do you do for legal guardianship/parental purposes? The biological mother of the child is also the legal mother. The biological father is also the legal father. That should be obvious, I’d say. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/56 "2012-12-18T04:43:06Z")
> [@PaulParkhead](#): > > It was facetious, yes. But I hope you can understand why I mentioned it. I do realise that “Big Love” was not a documentary. Thank Og, because I have met a ton of people who think it’s real or that Sister Wives is LDS. Ugh :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/57 "2012-12-18T04:44:27Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > What about the case of one woman two men, proposed above? There seems to be a power imbalance, however enticing one that it is, but an imbalance none the less. I’d ask how much veto power the other man has. If Alice and Bob are dating and then Alice wants to enter into a polyamourous relationship with Charlie as well, what would have happened if Bob didn’t like the idea? If Alice would have respected his feelings and stayed just dating him, then it is a polyamourous relationship. If she would have dumped him or started dating Charlie regardless of what Bob thought, then you’ve got the imbalance of power you’re talking about. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/58 "2012-12-18T04:47:11Z")
> [@PaulParkhead](#): > > The biological mother of the child is also the legal mother. The biological father is also the legal father. That should be obvious, I’d say. But would a polyamorous woman want to designate father? What if she loves all of her SOs and doesn’t want to find out who the father is? I can see this as a distinct possibility, esp if you really love all of them and don’t want any of them to feel left out or less special. And is it ok to raise a child in a home with multiple parents? I mean this is all conjecture, because unlike polygamous marriages where children are almost 100% guaranteed, I have no idea how common parenthood is in polyamorous relationships. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/59 "2012-12-18T04:47:43Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Oooh, so you are assuming all polygamous relationships mean a man lording over his wimmens. > Maybe that is another case of an outsider looking in and judging based on their own preconceptions, just like I did with polyamorous people. No, that’s why I said ‘historically’. You asked why people respond more negatively to polygamy. But are you saying that historically women had the power or the relationships were power neutral? That’d be interesting to learn that’s true. ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2012, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392/60 "2012-12-18T05:04:45Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Thank Og, because I have met a ton of people who think it’s real or that Sister Wives is LDS. Ugh :smack: Right. And lots of people think I must wear a kilt and say things like “Ah canna change the laws o physics, Cap’n” simply because I’m Scottish. It’s annoying, isn’t it, and bearing that in mind you could consider why I find your questions ironic. Poly folks engage in all sorts of relationships, but the general idea is that of love. We’re not fetishists (well, we _may_ be, but it’s not connected to our poly nature) and it’s not primarily about sex, except in the sense that we might want to have sex with people we love. The idea is simple - we can, and sometimes do, fall in love with more than one person. That’s it. And after that, we work out the details. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/polyamorus/644392.md?page=4)