Choose your next witticism carefully, it may be your last.
(note to mods, I am not making a threat 
)
Lol, so a couple of yokels came in, needing a ride. I mocked them a bit, made up some crappy ‘speed record’ which didn’t even make sense (I told them, in your terms, that I made the trip from NYC to DC in 225 miles, and the idiots were impressed), then, after taking their contract, I shot my bosses underling because I didn’t like the look on his face. So what if I owed the boss money, you don’t look at me like that!
Then these goofballs come to my ride. Big problem: they’re wanted by the authorities (I should have guessed). I had to kill some more people as we escaped, and then… as we were on our way to their destination… I mocked the old man’s religion, told the kid that if he didn’t let my copilot win at chess, I wouldn’t stop my copilot from killing him, and generally showed my ass the entire way.
Anyway, we finally arrive and holy hell are these guys HOT! The cops had laid waste to their destination, they then capture us (fortunately I dabble in large-scale, er, provisions of things illegal, so I was able to hide us while the cops searched my ride - I will say their training leaves a lot to be desired, thankfully). The old man goes off on his own, while the kid tells me there’s a rich hostage deep in the jail that, if we can rescue her, I can get enough money to pay my boss off and have a lot left over.
What’s a guy gonna do in that situation? We go get the girl.
Anyway, the old man ends up getting himself killed, we fight our way out of the jail (and the woman we rescued tells me it was ‘too easy’. ‘Too easy’ my ass!), and the kid tries to recruit me to join his merry band of dipshits in attacking the very jail we just busted out of! Fuck that, I’m loading my earnings (at least she was good for that) and getting the hell out of Dodge.
But then, I don’t know. The thought occurred to me that if I waited until almost everyone else was killed, I could save the day. And, holy shit, it literally worked out like that! The kid was the last guy standing, he was going to take a one-in-a-million shot with three cops on his ass, and guess who rides in, looking like a hero when the main fighting is done?
Damn right.
Anyway, I’m now thinking about this and… AITA?
(At least I met a girl!)
Watch out - that girl’s dad is dangerous (and her brother’s looking at her in a way that’s a bit too intense, if you see what I mean)
Eh, I can take the heat. It’s cold which I really hate.
Not an AH.
A scoundrel, though, yeah.
Have you ever had experience with husbandry of nerfs?
Can I tell you the odds that you’re TA or should I never do that?
AITA for clearing a ship of two-legged intruders to protect its true captain?
I recently hatched aboard a very roomy ship that, as far as I could tell, belonged to a magnificent four-pawed commander. Sleek fur, steady gaze, tail like a royal scepter—obvious top of the hierarchy. The head honcho.
Soon I noticed these lanky, awkward creatures lurching around on only two extremities. They clanked and jabbered, fiddled with the ship’s controls, and kept slinking into the captain’s climate-controlled throne box, to do who knows what? Worse, they had the nerve to pick him up and scratch his neck fur—clearly a threat to His Majesty.
Instinct kicked in: defend the monarch.
Solution: remove the usurpers.
So, yeah, I did some… enthusiastic tidying. One by one, the lanky noise-makers stopped being a problem. I figured I was doing stellar service—secure the ship, safeguard the sovereign, snack responsibly.
But now I’m getting weird side-eye from certain interstellar ethics committees, and whispers that maybe the “captain” was just a pampered mascot, and the two-leggers actually owned the place.
If that’s true… oops?
So, y’all, AITA for misinterpreting the chain of command and giving the two-leggers an early retirement plan—inside me?
Yes, YTA, for not realizing the two-leggers were actually serving the true owner of the ship. If he had had his way, this would have been your fate:
((IIRC this image was made in AI by a doper ))
My dad is a shady businessman but a total fuckup. He can’t seem to do anything right, but is always blaming someone else. His best friend is a clueless oaf who doesn’t even speak in sentences, just grunts and growls. And don’t get me started on his hygiene!
My mother was royalty. But she gave it all up to be with my dad. Totally crazy! Now she spends all her time teaching other people how to be soldiers.
But not me. No, she sent me off to live with my uncle who’s supposed to be some big war hero and religious leader. But then one night I wake up and he’s about to murder me in my sleep! I ran for it.
I decided to take inspiration from my mother’s and uncle’s true father. Now there was a man who commanded respect! Even half crippled he could make general’s shake in their boots. He really knew how to move people.
He died saving my uncle’s life, but my uncle gets all the credit. I decided I admired him so much, I styled myself after him. I even copied his wardrobe. Now I just hope to one day get to face my uncle and show him what a true hero is. AITA?
You’re just a whiny, tantrumy kid. Sorry. There may be a Rey of hope in your future, though
and some words
I lead a large organization within the U.S. government; I was appointed to the position personally by the president. Recently, there was a mishap under my watch; there was apparent loss of life. It totally wasn’t my fault, really. I had to make a tough call that involved lying to some of my people affected strongly by the mishap. Well, I didn’t actually lie, I just withheld information that in fact, nobody died. I’m sure they’ll be relieved and want to celebrate when I finally tell them the good news, even though the survivor cursed everybody out in front of the media when he was told about my decision. AITA?
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone
Happy Gilmore 2
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice
The Shawshank Redemption
And the one about Saturday detention is The Breakfast Club. Weird how the software ate those pixels.
This girl I’m crushing on asked me to babysit her little brother. I figured I’d take him to an amusement park where he could have fun playing with others who are his size. All the kid did was cry. No wonder she wanted him taken away! I danced with him, I sang to him, I even offered to make him one of my gang. No dice. Just boo hoo all the time.
Meanwhile, his sister was busy playing dress-up and hanging out with her friends. I told her to come get him and she got all, “you can’t tell me what to do. You have no power over me.” Some people have no gratitude. AITA?
Recently my business partner was killed after foolishly putting himself in a compromising position. I didn’t really respect him and am just as glad to move the business forward without him, but I helped the cops catch his killer, because that’s what you do. AITA for playing along with the killer just long enough to bang her a couple of times before watching her fall? Stupid bird.
I recently got lost in the woods, but for lucky and found a house. I went inside to see if anyone could help me, but nobody was home.
I thought I might sit a moment and rest while I waited, but I had to try a few chairs because the some were uncomfortable.
I was hungry from being lost overnight and wandering around alone, so I couldn’t help myself when smelled food in the kitchen. The owners had just left bowls of porridge lying out. Who does that? It must be for guests, so I sampled a couple before I found one I liked.
Then my lack of sleep caught up with me and I just had to go lie down. There were three different beds, so I picked the one that was juuust right, and promptly fell right asleep.
AITA for screaming when I woke up surrounded by bears? (No wonder the porridge was left out. The owners must have left in a hurry when the bears broke into their home.)
I’m a creative businessman just trying to succeed in this crazy world. So I founded a business enterprise to network some previously related but independent fields under one brand name.
But for some reason this interloper keeps intruding on every one of my ventures. He keeps poking around and giving my employees hell. Often I catch him, but somehow he keeps getting me to reveal my secret plans to him - I guess I just need to brag to someone. But then he uses that information to ensure my plans fail and I’m left with a big mess and a hit to my brand reputation.
AITA if I just want him to die in some horrible fashion?
I became the leader of this oppressed religion, and then they started a huge war in my name. I probably could’ve stopped them, but I didn’t. I did feel real bad about it, though. AITA for faking my death and letting my kids sort out the mess? I was on some pretty strong drugs the whole time.
Just make sure it isn’t easily-escapable or overly elaborate. Maybe you should just shoot him.
Yes, but don’t worry, There’s nothing anyone can do about it.
You’re not the asshole, you were just a teenager when your father was murdered and you and your mother were left destitute in the desert expected to die. And no, you tried to prevent the war, but it was inevitable. Sometimes people just need a good war to mix up the gene pool.