# Porch Pirates **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 15, 2024, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661 "2024-12-15T04:42:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/1 "2024-12-15T04:42:30Z")
This is just hypothetical, m’kay? Nu, so imagine you have a porch pirate problem. Items left at your doorstep by Amazon drivers magically disappear. So, I’m wondering what is the best breed/type of bee, hornet, or wasp available from Amazon would be the most effective in deterring further piratage? I don’t want just honeybees, I want bees (or their ilk) with bad attitudes. ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/2 "2024-12-15T04:47:47Z")
I have a huge Africanized bee colony living in my block wall, free for the taking. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/3 "2024-12-15T04:50:33Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > So, I’m wondering what is the best breed/type of bee, hornet, or wasp available from Amazon would be the most effective in deterring further piratage? Are you imagining that you can order a box full of live, ill-tempered wasps or hornets from Amazon? ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/4 "2024-12-15T04:55:22Z")
If they don’t have frickin’ laser beams on their heads, I will be sorely disappointed. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/5 "2024-12-15T05:02:17Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > Are you imagining that you can order a box full of live, ill-tempered wasps or hornets from Amazon? I assume, since this is hypothetical, that Ranger\_Jeff is imagining they can box up live, ill-tempered wasps/hornets in a package that can be disguised to look like an Amazon package. Perhaps something [like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4T_LlK1VE4) (a Mark Rober glitter/stink bomb with bells and whistles), only meaner, cheaper, and simpler. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/6 "2024-12-15T05:04:43Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > I assume, since this is hypothetical, that Ranger\_Jeff is imagining they can box up live, ill-tempered wasps/hornets in a package that can be disguised to look like an Amazon package. I mean, that’s seemingly more\* feasible, but the OP did actually ask “what is the best breed/type of bee, hornet, or wasp available from Amazon.” \*- “More” as in “yes, hypothetically, one could put a wasp nest in an Amazon box, whereas it’s unlikely that one can actually order a nest full of live wasps from Amazon.” ---
**Author:** ![Strenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@Strenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strenger)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/7 "2024-12-15T05:06:46Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > So, I’m wondering what is the best breed/type of bee, hornet, or wasp available from Amazon would be the most effective in deterring further piratage? So, how do you turn these savage beasts of prey “off” when you wish to enter your own place? Batcave entrance? Yes, Africanized bees whose nest is disturbed, sending them into a frenzy, whenever the porch/whatever is approached is probably best. But that’s of extremely dubious legality. Likely a “man trap.” What about an extremely loud warning signal, of about 130 dB+? Not _predictably_ likely to cause lasting physical trauma, and has a plausible reason for its use and deployment. Or a fake robot dog…chained to a real pole or stake or something that appears might be escaped or broken at any moment. That might do it. You could probably buy dog pelts at Amazon…but, no, you certainly will not be buying a box of live hornets from even the most unscrupulous of sellers. > [@CairoCarol](#): > > I assume, since this is hypothetical, that Ranger\_Jeff is imagining they can box up live, ill-tempered wasps/hornets in a package that can be disguised to look like an Amazon package. Oh. OK. Yeah, sure. Africanized bees…the go-to response. Or just about any type of hornet or wasp. Include in the box some kind of vibrating thing to keep them good and angry. And seal the box pretty well…they’ll chew right through paper. Metal briefcase. And put some pheromones inside it, or just outside it or something, along with the wasps/hornets. That’d probably work. Inside an Amazon box, to discourage would-be “good Samaritans” who “just wanted to” “make sure it was safe.” ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/8 "2024-12-15T05:25:19Z")
> [@Strenger](#): > > But that’s of extremely dubious legality. Likely a “man trap.” Yep, booby traps that can harm are illegal. It’s to jail a hypothetical alternate universe Ranger\_Jeff could be going. Even more so if said porch pirate turns out to be randomly allergic to stings and dies of anaphylactic shock. Fantasizing about vengeance is all fine and dandy (assuming you aren’t obsessive about it 😉). Actually putting a plan into action is…unwise. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/9 "2024-12-15T05:29:35Z")
How about murder hornets? j/k ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/10 "2024-12-15T05:37:09Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Perhaps something [like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4T_LlK1VE4) (a Mark Rober glitter/stink bomb with bells and whistles), only meaner, cheaper, and simpler. I can supply used cat litter for this public service. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/11 "2024-12-15T05:57:00Z")
If anyone was serious about preventing porch pirates the first thing would be to set up a parcel delivery box. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/12 "2024-12-15T06:03:40Z")
So, no. If you can buy them, Do Not. Do not set booby traps. So many other things you can do, Have delivery made when you’re home. Have a locking parcel box. Have some one watch out for it. Have it delivered somewhere safer. Get a ring doorbell. Insure it. Or know your vendors policy on lost packages. It doesn’t havta be this way. (I know that it is and I’m thinking of fairytale land…sorry) ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/13 "2024-12-15T06:14:05Z")
> [@Seanette](#): > > I can supply used cat litter for this public service I like the way you think. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/14 "2024-12-15T10:55:56Z")
I choose the Amazon option to have parcels left with my friendly next-door neighbour (and they reciprocate. 😀) ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/15 "2024-12-15T11:18:33Z")
And here’s a high-teach solution 🕶 🕶 [Glitterbomb 3.0 vs. Porch Pirates](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4T_LlK1VE4) ---
**Author:** ![mozchron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mozchron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mozchron)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/16 "2024-12-15T12:34:21Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > Are you imagining that you can order a box full of live, ill-tempered wasps or hornets from Amazon? As a professional entomologist, yes you can do exactly this. Not from Amazon, but there are companies that will sell and ship you this kind of stuff. You should see the packages that come through the mail room at work sometimes… Also, unless you like prison, don’t set booby traps. ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/17 "2024-12-15T13:00:16Z")
**Moderating** I don’t see a factual question here. Moving from FQ to IMHO. Also, note that effectively booby-trapping a porch package with bees (or anything else harmful) is illegal. Feel free to discuss LEGAL methods of dealing with porch pirates. ---
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/18 "2024-12-15T13:45:01Z")
> [@Strenger](#): > > Include in the box some kind of vibrating thing to keep them good and angry. And spring-loaded, for good measure. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/19 "2024-12-15T14:41:04Z")
> “Remember there could always be giant ants, like in Santa Clara in 1950!” ```Ray That what you need. You need [THEM.](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih5u8zrgwGpT7egBrSWDpFdFCLO3rnmZBCzwtR6WTb7JPdzLMRo8HlLyo2N_k53Kq8651x0-I5dbFkfk3Y8g1bGwj6qu0Imijwy1SX-D6gxX6N0beJQ4uupdsnSWMz4qv-MwKuPImyLA/s1600/themgif2.gif) ``` ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2024, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661/20 "2024-12-15T14:48:03Z")
“Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porch-pirates/1011661.md?page=2)