# Porklips Now!
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535
**Category:** Cafe Society
**Created:** [October 30, 2005, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535 "2005-10-30T01:38:08Z")
**Posts on this page:** 17
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [October 30, 2005, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/1 "2005-10-30T01:38:08Z")
\*\*Suburbia. Shoot.
Mertz was close. Real close. Words cannot describe how close he was. He’s closer now than he was a minute ago.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no socks.
Go to Chinatown. Find Mertz, and… talk to him.\*\*
A comment in another thread reminded me of this classic by Ernie Fosselius. A parody of _Apocalypse Now!_, this is the story of Dullard. Dullard must go to Chinatown to find Mertz, who is described as a ‘butcher’. Mertz is slashing prices with a straight razor, which is biting into the profits of other meat mongers.
I 've had this on VHS tape for like 20 years, along with Fosselius’s biggest hit _Hardware Wars_. The tape also has _Closet Cases Of The Nerd Kind_ and _Bambi Meets Godzilla_. I looked at Pyramid Films’s website (that being the distributor on the rental bootl… I mean, on my copy) and they’re getting $39 for _Porklips Now!_ and _Closet Cases_. I didn’t find the other two shorts. Good films, but not worth a quadruple-sawbuck each.
So has anyone else seen _Porklips Now!_?
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### Author:  [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)
#### Post date: [October 30, 2005, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/2 "2005-10-30T05:10:25Z")
You have _Bambi Meets Godzilla_ with out \*King of Hearts[/i?? I thought they were siamese twins.
I use to have a home made movie of stop action using Barbie, Ken, and action figures of Mr Spock, Dolly Parton & Capt Kirk. It put barbie in a bad light on so many levels. 😃
The guy that made it, wanted to distribute it, but Mattel came after him. They were quite serious. Saw absolutely NO humor in sullying Barbie’s reputation. Yes, they were defending Barbie’s honor.
All the copies were then “destroyed” I can’t seem to find my … never mind.
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### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [October 30, 2005, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/3 "2005-10-30T12:40:31Z")
> [@picunurse](#):
>
> I use to have a home made movie of stop action using Barbie, Ken, and action figures of Mr Spock, Dolly Parton & Capt Kirk. It put barbie in a bad light on so many levels. 😃
I’ve always wanted to see _Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story_, but the filmmaker used their songs without permission.
I’d really like to do _Titus Andronicus_ with action figures and the original dialog – with hands moving the dolls round, of course. 😃 Maybe that’s one of the reasons I like _Titus_ so much. The beginning is sorta-kinda along the lines of that. I’d have little Roman costumes made, a hand pouring catsup out of a bottle for the blood, macaroni or spaghetti for guts… But I’d probably get into trouble for using the action figures. Too bad. It would be a hoot, I think.
But back to the OP. I love the opening of _Porklips Now!_ The lawn sprinkler, the riding mower in the background, the flames in the BBQ grill… And the song. _This isn’t the end… It’s the beginning of the film…_
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### Author:  [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)
#### Post date: [October 30, 2005, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/4 "2005-10-30T14:12:02Z")
Don’t forget **Hardware Wars**.
“You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll kiss three bucks goodbye.”
And **Closet Encounters of the Nerd Kind**.
[singing] “Gonna build a mountain… In your living room. Gonna build a mountain… And it’s gonna be keen.” [/singing]
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### Author:  [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)
#### Post date: [October 30, 2005, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/5 "2005-10-30T14:13:31Z")
Yes, I know they were in the OP. I said not to forget them.
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### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [October 30, 2005, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/6 "2005-10-30T14:16:01Z")
Ah, yes. The Singing Mailboxes. One of my favourite bits in the film.
And…
**This means something…**
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### Author:  [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)
#### Post date: [October 30, 2005, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/7 "2005-10-30T15:24:20Z")
Heh. I’ve got a copy of that tetrology, Porklips, Closet cases, Hardware, Bambi/Godzilla. I even corrupted my kids with them! Gotta go dig it out now!
“Chinchilla, the wookie monster”. \<\\>
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### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [October 30, 2005, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/8 "2005-10-30T15:30:56Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#):
>
> Heh. I’ve got a copy of that tetrology…
If you ever want to get rid of it, saving me the trouble of digging through the storage unit… 😉
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### Author:  [@Bob\_Loblaw\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bob_Loblaw_1)
#### Post date: [October 30, 2005, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/9 "2005-10-30T19:39:56Z")
I’ve seen Porklips. I can never watch Martin Sheen in the same way again. Porklips now, 3 cents a pound. I laughed and laughed and laughed.
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### Author:  [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2005, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/10 "2005-10-31T13:58:54Z")
I’ve seen it, and the others. I saw Hardware Wars when it first came out – it got it from the library on sound film, rented a sound projector, and showed it to people. This was when VHS players were a rare thing.
A few years ago someone came out with **Hardware Wars – The Special Edition** , which adds bad CGI effects to the original. I thought the mere idea was hilarious (this came out during the time Lucas was re-releasing the original trilogy as a “Special Edition”) They executed tyhe idea really well, too. Unfortunately, they didn’t get Ernie Fosselius’ approval for this (In The Force’s name, why? TYhis was such a marvelous idea!)
“Closet Cases” has some wonderful moments, my favorite being the singing mailboxes, and the “Roy Neary” character suddenly “blowing out” the flashlight – that one’s easy to miss.
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### Author:  [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2005, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/11 "2005-10-31T14:01:38Z")
Yes that was brilliant. Wish I could see it again. Wasn’t there a motorcycle gang with “Death from the side” signs on their bikes?
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### Author:  [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2005, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/12 "2005-10-31T14:15:00Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#):
>
> Yes that was brilliant. Wish I could see it again. Wasn’t there a motorcycle gang with “Death from the side” signs on their bikes?
Motor scooters. Like **Q.E.D.**'s ride. 😛
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### Author:  [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2005, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/13 "2005-10-31T14:17:07Z")
“Never get out of the car!”
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### Author:  [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2005, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/14 "2005-10-31T15:12:06Z")
I remember some of the motorcycle gang sitting on their helmets and the meeting where he gets his mission.
We want you to, you know, \*take care \* of him.
What?
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### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2005, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/15 "2005-10-31T15:26:25Z")
> [@NoClueBoy](#):
>
> “Never get out of the car!”
Absolutely for gosh-darn right.
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### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2005, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/16 "2005-10-31T15:29:03Z")
> [@Zebra](#):
>
> We want you to, you know, \*take care \* of him.
>
> What?
This was a running gag with me and my friends. We’d always be saying we need to _talk_ to someone. _Explain the situation_. No, no, look. Find [insert name here]. Take him up to the aquaduct [because bodies were always turning up in the aquaduct] _annnnd…_😉
😃
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### Author:  [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2005, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porklips-now/328535/17 "2005-10-31T16:10:57Z")
“I had no shoes and complained…until I met a man who had no socks.”
"Accusing someone of price-slashing in this place was like handing out parking tickets at the Indianapolis Speedway…wait, I mean speeding tickets at the Indianapolis Parkway…no, wait…nevermind.