# Porn for Beginners? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 24, 2001, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370 "2001-10-24T19:54:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Mersavets](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aca169/32.png) [@Mersavets](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mersavets)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2001, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/21 "2001-10-25T11:15:50Z")
I think this is a fair, but picky, call. I don’t know that they lack girl-girl so much as drown them out with the gang bangs. Pardon the pun. The Pyramid movies didn’t feature so much of the girl-boy-boy-boy-boy-boy-etc though and so I think it could be a good, albeit expensive, option for his girl. p ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2001, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/22 "2001-10-25T16:15:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Larry Mudd \* > \*\*There’s a porn star named [_Candida_](http://www.wdxcyber.com/dxvag004.htm)? :eek: \*\* Did you see her during her heyday? I think the lip itch was named after her. [Tony Orlando]_Oh my Candida, we can make it together. . ._[/Tony Orlando] [sup]Does anyone know the next line in that song? My brain refuses to remember anything beyond _mapoda ma me now the better_ ---
**Author:** ![Mojo\_the\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eada6e/32.png) [@Mojo\_the\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo_the_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2001, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/23 "2001-10-25T16:35:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bossk \* > \*\*People, people, people. What’s the deal? I KNOW there’s more pornophiles on this board than that. > > Never EVER EVER let a first-timer pick the movie. Why? They usually end up getting a lame-o one that’s a play on some famous movie title. Real life example: SO decides to pick up PULP FRICTION, a wretched excuse for porn. > > Never ever make a first-timer watch that amateur stuff. Try showing her a Max Hardcore piece of misogyny and she’ll never speak to you again, let alone watch another porno. The Ed Powers “Dirty Debutante” series is equally creepy, in that all it is is a middle-aged putz with a pony tail inviting teenagers with a “when do I get my money?” look over to his house for pervy sex. Remember, you want the lady to ENJOY the movie. That said, most of the male performers in the amateur movies are pot-bellied, balding, and usually creepy. Amateur movies in general also have NO plot whatsoever. Your woman will be shocked that that’s all there is to pornography. > > Steer clear of the “classics.” These things were made mostly in the 70s, so it looks like a grainy, grungy piece of color-faded filth. All the men are as hairy as bigfoots, and at least half of them aren’t circumcised. Not to mention that everyone in 70s porno is as pale as a ghost. DEEP THROAT, DEBBIE DOES DALLAS, and GREEN DOOR are wildly overrated to begin with. For the most part, the ensemble players in porn flicks didn’t get attractive until the 80s. > > Don’t even THINK about getting a movie that seems like it’s all girl lezzie fest. Recipe for disaster, I think you know why. Same thing with movies that play up the anal sex aspect. > > Your best bet is to find something relatively new. If there’s a hot chick on the box, go for it. But be sure there’s at least one piece of male eyecandy in there for the ladies. My girlfriends in the past have generally liked movies with Peter “The Decorator” North or Randy Spears. The aggressive “styles” of a TT Boy or a Tony Montana might be a turn-off for her. > > It also might be wise to rent two movies, just in case one turns out to be a lame piece of crap, you can always pop in the other one. And believe me, there’s a lot of tepid crap out there. \*\* Thanks for the advice, **Bossk**. You seem to be thinking on the same track as me. I’d already planned on getting at least 2 in case one of them was a dud. Pro-Am stuff is definitely out. Although it does have the appeal of frequently having girls with non-pneumatic breasts, I think the ick factor of “I’ll give you $500 for your smack habit if you let me fuck you in the ass,” is a little too much for the first time out. I’m also trying to stay away from the all-girl lezzie fests. **Monkeygirl** is not Bi in the least, and I’m sure she’d be bored silly. Hell, even **I** get bored watching those things. I figure it’s hard to imagine that I’m the one getting laid unless somebody is getting his cock sucked. Geez, couldn’t those girls at the slumber party at least suck the pizza delivery boy’s cock? Thanks for the advice about TT Boy and Tony Montana. I never remember the names of the male actors in these movies. I’ll try to steer away if their names are on the box. ---
**Author:** ![rsa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@rsa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rsa)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2001, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/24 "2001-10-25T16:40:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > \*\*I’m rather partial to _The Story of O_. \*\* IANAPJ [sub](porn junkie)[/sub], but I have to agree with **AR’s** recommendation. It’s nicely filmed and kind of artsy. It does have a bondage theme, but not in a bad way. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2001, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/25 "2001-10-25T16:45:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TVeblen \* > it’ll be so much fun to watch whether **Euty** and **Uke** blench in horror or start chiming in with their favorites. I don’t have the hat yet, I never got the mug, and **Veb** doesn’t even bold my friggin’ name when she pitches the porn threads at us. I was better off before, yuh ask me. Don’t look at me for suggestions. I saw DEEP THROAT at one of my college film societies with a mixed-gender group, and the theme music had us all in stitches, too. We started singing along with it, as I recall. Then it was over and I went back to my room and had sex with my girlfriend. And I wondered why I had wasted two hours watching some OTHER people having sex when I coulda been home in that nice snuggly bed all evening. ---
**Author:** ![Oblong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/c0e974/32.png) [@Oblong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oblong)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2001, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/26 "2001-10-25T18:36:07Z")
I like the Shane’s World series, at least what I’ve seen so far. I’ve only seen 3 of them but it’s just a bunch of college kids getting together to screw. It’s really been a while since I’ve gotten one. ---
**Author:** ![drgonzo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5fc32e/32.png) [@drgonzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drgonzo)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2001, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/27 "2001-10-25T18:45:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mojo the Monkey \* > \*\*We probably need something that has a bit of a plot, sexy looking men (and women, too! Mojo needs his eye-candy!), and some sort of a relationship between the characters. > \*\* You should definetly go and get yourselves a movie called “Zazel-The Scent of Love”, directed by Phillip Mond. As corny as the title sounds, its apparently THE BEST PORNMOVIE EVER MADE™,according to a friend of mine, and this site : [http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/videos/high\_gloss.html](http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/videos/high_gloss.html) (Videorentals in my area even stopped carrying the movie because they NEVER got any copies returned !) ---
**Author:** ![uberDave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f04885/32.png) [@uberDave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/uberDave)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2001, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/28 "2001-10-25T19:00:45Z")
uummmm…nice choice **Arden**. Dave ---
**Author:** ![Mojo\_the\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eada6e/32.png) [@Mojo\_the\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo_the_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2001, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/29 "2001-10-25T23:38:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by drgonzo \* > > You should definetly go and get yourselves a movie called “Zazel-The Scent of Love”, directed by Phillip Mond. > As corny as the title sounds, its apparently THE BEST PORNMOVIE EVER MADE™,according to a friend of mine, and this site : > [http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/videos/high\_gloss.html](http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/videos/high_gloss.html) > > (Videorentals in my area even stopped carrying the movie because they NEVER got any copies returned !) \*\* That one does look interesting! Thanks, **Dr. Gonzo**! ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2001, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/30 "2001-10-26T00:38:37Z")
A former ladyfriend of mine once brought to _me_ a personal favorite of hers entitled **The Opening of Misty Beethoven**. It was the porn version of **My Fair Lady**. I was shocked – it was funny, sexy and very nearly interesting. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2001, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/31 "2001-10-26T00:50:58Z")
A few more words of recommendation. Somebody above mentioned Michael Ninn, who I agree makes very stylish, very hot, very non-scummy porno movies. The women enjoy themselves, the guys aren’t emphasized that much so you can ignore their unattractiveness (exception: _Forever Night_), and the production values are quite good. Drawbacks: He can get kind of kinky, so be careful. (Do not rent _New Wave Hookers 5_ as a first-time title, for example.) Also, he invariably has at least one girl-girl scene, sometimes a group of women, so you might have to fast-forward through it. (His _Diva_ series is all women.) For a first-time viewer, I would recommend his double feature _Sex_ and _Sex 2: Fate._ After a while, if your gf decides she enjoys these movies, you can proceed to his more outre titles, such as _Latex_ and _Shock_, which are generally regarded to be among the finest adult films ever made. Stay away from these filmmakers: Andrew Blake, Frank Thring, Pierre Woodman, Tara (Tanya?) Hyde. The latter three are very good, but are way too kinky for a first-timer. Blake, by contrast, is quite popular, with a lot of videos available, but he’s all about style and look, with no story. My wife and I enjoy a good adult film on a regular basis, and the one Blake movie we rented bored both of us nearly to death. He’s very popular among his fans, but if you’re looking for a plot, avoid avoid avoid. The Brad Armstrong movies mentioned above, _Dreamquest_ and _Conquest_, are quite good, but I would pick the latter over the former for a porn virgin. _Dreamquest_ is a fantasy, and it’s quite good for what it is (even though the second half doesn’t have the energy of the first half), but the fantasy aspect might make it too kinky for some. If you want to see a monster (i.e. an actor in demon makeup) fuck a maiden, this is your title. Otherwise go with _Conquest._ It’s got a budget and good production value, and the pirates-on-the-high-seas theme makes it accessible for those women who occasionally indulge in heaving-alabaster-bosom paperback romances. So those would be my recommendations for movies to show a girlfriend/spouse who’s willing to look at porn but doesn’t know what to expect: _Sex_, _Sex 2_, and _Conquest._ If it’s a success, and she shows interest in moving on to kinkier stuff, let us know. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2001, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/32 "2001-10-26T00:57:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by rsa \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > > \*\*I’m rather partial to _The Story of O_. \*\* > > IANAPJ [sub](porn junkie)[/sub], but I have to agree with **AR’s** recommendation. It’s nicely filmed and kind of artsy. It does have a bondage theme, but not in a bad way. 😉 \*\* I agree with you both, and the History of O was written by a woman, Pauline Réage, I believe. There aren’t that many posts on this thread, but there are a vast number of hits. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2001, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/33 "2001-10-26T02:09:19Z")
> [@](#): > > **Mudd:** There’s a porn star named [_Candida_](http://www.wdxcyber.com/dxvag004.htm)? :eek: > **Biggirl:** Did you see her during her heyday? I think the lip itch was named after her. That may be so, but [these folks](http://www.cinoa.org/gallery.cfm?MID=1902) hold the patent rights today.😛 > [@](#): > > Does anyone know the next line in that song? [Click here](http://www.clinton.net/~sammy/candida.htm), but turn your speakers off first. That midi file is cheesier than any vaginal discharge _I’ve_ met. sub[/sub] Okay, that’s the second post from me here, so I’d better at least address the OP: IMHO, the best porn movie I’ve ever seen is a beautiful old film called [_An Autobiography of a Flea_.](http://www.bigempire.com/gooden/autoflea.html) It’s early seventies, shot on film, quite humourous, set (more-or-less) in 19th century France, and narrated by a flea who makes his home near the sensitive parts of a young girl. The story, the flea says, mostly concerns what happens to the girl, since his own life is rather uneventful. This was one of the first porn films I ever saw, at a tender age, and I was sorely disappointed to discover that most porn is pretty banal. I briefly examined the link that I just pasted in to the review. I didn’t remember John Holmes was in it. You’d think you’d remember something like that. I see it is described as “the kind of porn couples can enjoy,” so I guess I wasn’t too far off the mark in thinking of it. [sup]BTW - While I was looking for the url, I found [this essay](http://eserver.org/cultronix/sigel/), which might be worth looking at.[/sup] I just watched [_Kekko Kamen_](http://www.animejin.org.uk/kekko.htm) with my girlfriend, which isn’t exactly porn, but extremely perverse japanese animation. It’s _wrong_ for so many reasons, but ya gotta laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Dave\_Stewart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@Dave\_Stewart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dave_Stewart)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2001, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/34 "2001-10-26T07:55:28Z")
Not that I watch them, ahem, but I have been told by a friend to recommend the Vivid studio’s films (recommended above). My friend says the plots are of course lame, but they’re better than most, and they’re not very hard core at all - few lesbian scenes and the somewhat humiliating “facials”. You can also get the hardcore lots of pink bits in your face version of porn films, my friend says, or the discreetly editted version which usually doesn’t show genitals. This is the sort of stuff which usually gets sent overseas, but a large retailer might be able to provide it for you. Mrs Monkey might be better off starting out on that sort of thing. ---
**Author:** ![justinh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@justinh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justinh)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2001, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/35 "2001-10-26T16:29:17Z")
Haven’t seen a porn movie in 15 years. gave them up when I thought I had seen everything about 100 times. so what is the latest top shelf movie? I know this thread is about first timers but I need your expertize on picking one that is the latest greatest. I am curious as to what they can come up with (so to speak) after thousands of movies with no plots. I want all the regular nasties that I have come to love. ---
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2001, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/36 "2001-10-26T17:27:12Z")
I agree with others above that a solid grounding in the classics is the best education. However, I also agree with others that old pornography can be quite unattractive and demeaning to women. Ron Jeremy rarely came in high on my ex’s lists of guys they want to see naked. A possible compromise might come from the era just after the “golden age” of filmed pornography. Ginger Lynn made a number of good videotapes which were found to be quite entertaining both to me and whoever I happened to be watching them with. The only title I can remember offhand is _Pretty As You Feel_, which appears to have fully embraced the Olivia Newton-John aerobi-sex fad which was popular in the early 1980s. Don’t worry, you won’t be offended by 80’s style clothing–nude people still look pretty much the same, except for the collagen and silicone. Another fairly good one from that time period is one of Traci Lords’ few legal pictures, _Tracy, I Love You_. Traci and her mom put in some good work on production for that one, using some of the enormous profits they reaped after screwing over the entire porno industry. There is a real problem with porno, however. There is so much crap out there that unscrupulous (and they’re all unscrupulous to some extent) dealers have been packaging bad films in the classics’ packages, or using knock-off titles (_Traci Does Paris_ is one that springs readily to mind). Some will go so far as to falsely advertise stars and starlets right on the cover. Then you discover that you’re watching some _Jonathan_ Holmes with a mere nine-inch “actor,” not the real “foot-long John.” You need to find yourself an _aficionado_ at the store you rent from. Don’t worry, you’ll find him. Otherwise, you’re going to have to kiss a lot of bullfrogs, metaphorically speaking, to find a good one. ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/earl_snake-hips_tucker/32/3269_2.png) [@Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_Snake-Hips_Tucker)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2001, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370/37 "2001-10-26T17:43:00Z")
I would recommend “Bad Girls II” and “Bad Girls IV,” featuring scream queens Michelle Bauer (as Pia Snow) and Monique Gabrielle (as Luann Chass–but only simulated sex with Lisa “Tuesday Addams” Loring’s husband Jerry Butler). Both are actually pretty decent movies, and feature Ron Jeremy in his pre-Hedgehog days. Also, “Amanda By Night” and (I think) “Talk Dirty to Me II.” I think that’s the one where John Leslie protrays a heckler at Dr. Ann Childs’s talk show, who signs his name as “Dick Gozinya.” For some trivia, check out “Body Talk,” which features the late Angelique Pettyjohn–best known for her role as Shahna from the “Star Trek” TOS episode “The Gamesters of Triskelion.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/porn-for-beginners/89370.md?page=1)