# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![steeljaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aca169/32.png) [@steeljaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steeljaw)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/201 "2001-09-19T18:33:57Z")
**Bin Laden Reveals True Motive For WTC Attacks** In a statement last week Bin Laden was quoted “No, no, no. You guys have got me all wrong. I don’t have anything against America per se. It’s just that, last time I was vacationing in the U.S. I think Avis overcharged me for the mileage on my rental car.” Avis representatives deny any error in pricing. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/202 "2001-09-19T18:48:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ashtar \* > \*\*You sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, SICK man! > > **In AD 2001, War Was Beginning** > “Somebody set us up the bomb.” - Colin Powell > [sub]“Move ‘Nuke’.” - President Bush, “For great justice.”[/sub] \*\* All your mudhuts are belong to us. Erek ---
**Author:** ![Ximenean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/aca169/32.png) [@Ximenean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ximenean)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/203 "2001-09-19T19:14:15Z")
**RACE ON TO CONSTRUCT WORLD’S SHORTEST BUILDING** Ireland claims Dublin’s 4-foot high O’Reilly Centre “couldn’t be hit by a cropduster” ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/204 "2001-09-19T19:38:13Z")
**U.S. Blames Rebel Alliance, Plans Invasion Of Hoth** Navy Pilots Training Against Womp Rats; General Veers Preparing His Men; France Surrenders To Tatooine **Uri Geller: I Was At The Controls, From My Apartment** “Let’s see you do it again - anyone have four spare airliners?” says Randi **Nashville Gearing Up For Massive WTC-Related Song Production** Studios Packed; “High Rise” Rhymed With “Child’s Eyes” 50 Times **Commemorative Plate People Just About Spooging In Their Pants** [/quote] Point/Counterpoint **The Americans Will Never Find Me** by Osama bin Laden, Leader, Al Queda vs **Actually, I Can See You Right Now, Sucker** by Lt. Josh Carroll, F-15 pilot [/quote] \*\*Onion Infographic: Who Do We Think Will Kill Osama bin Laden? 22% USAF Bombers 16% US Rangers 11% Dirty Harry Callahan 5% Navy SEALS 16% Ahnold 9% The creepy guy in 14C who just stares out his window all day 4% French troops - nah, just joshing 17% One very, very pissed off New Yorker\*\* ---
**Author:** ![dasceder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3d9bf3/32.png) [@dasceder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dasceder)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/205 "2001-09-19T19:47:24Z")
Authorities Announce: Bin Ladan Exonerated!!! probe shifts to George Sinclair’s Widow and Children ---
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/206 "2001-09-19T19:49:05Z")
**U.S. Forces Bomb Afghanistan Into Ultra-Hyper Laser Beam Age** “Shit, we got it backwards,” says Rumsfeld **Department of Defense Goes 3-D** Construction begins on new Icosahedron **Clinton Condemns Timing of Attacks: Should Have Occurred Earlier** “No fair!” says ex-president. “Bush just gets a legacy served to him on a fiery silver platter of death.” **Bin Laden Turns Out To Be 12 Year Old Wisconsin Boy** “Terrorist” misled U.S. intelligence in internet chat room ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/207 "2001-09-19T20:18:04Z")
**Chandler Bing Among the Missing** _Only “Friend” with a real job thought to work in tall office building._ **Bin Laden Locked in Room with Barney the Dinosaur** _“I’ve had enough of this I-Love-You shit” giant foam reptile heard to say._ **Dan Quayle bemoans WTS Tragedy** _Former VP also thinks Apu may have been behind it._ ---
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/208 "2001-09-19T20:32:24Z")
Y’all are sick and depraved. ::_bookmarks thread_:: I’m so _fucking_ proud to be in your presence. 😃 Despite tremendous feelings of inadequacy in this demented thread, I will offer a few contributions. **Laid-off Airport Security Guards Finds Work as Replacement NFL Umpires** “Their blindess and willingness to look the other way should make for more exciting and controversial games,” says an NFL spokesman. **Box-Cutter Manufacturers Report 6500% Increase in Sales in the Middle East region.** “We project our fourth-quarter earnings to reach record levels,” an industry spokesman said at a news conference last night. “Our aggressive new ad campaign will now focus on the utility and versatily of our products aside from construction and aviation uses.” **Major Scandal in Iraqi Government as Saddam Hussein is Caught Masturbating to Footage of WTC Attack** Witness said to be in hiding. **FBI Releases Pyschological Profile of Bin Laden** Profile indicates that Bin Laden’s dislike of tall, erect structures may indicate profound sexual inadequacy. **Afghani Goat Farmers Join Call for Bin Laden’s Capture** “Have you noticed that there are very few _women_ at al-Qaeda?” said one goat herder. “It makes me concerned when I see my goats disappear.” **Major Movie Studio Considers Movie Adaptation of Events** “We’re thinking “Titanic” meets World Trade Center,” said a source on condition of anonymity. “Boy from Tower One meets Girl from Tower Two, and a love triangle is set up with a jealous suitor from Tower Two.” Celine Dion has already penned the theme song, to be titled, “Love Amongst the Rubble.” No word yet on whether James Cameron will direct. ---
**Author:** ![jmonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/dbc845/32.png) [@jmonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmonster)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/209 "2001-09-19T20:59:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by mswas \* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Ashtar \* > > You sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, SICK man! > > **In AD 2001, War Was Beginning** > > “Somebody set us up the bomb.” - Colin Powell > > [sub]“Move ‘Nuke’.” - President Bush, “For great justice.”[/sub] > > All your mudhuts are belong to us. I was thinking about it, and I think it should be: **Al your Qaeda are belong to us.** ---
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/210 "2001-09-19T21:27:11Z")
**Billboard announces first ever #1 Hit by a Middle Eastern group: "The Bin Laden Calypso"** Catchy lyrics, which include “Come on, Mr. Taliban, tally me Osama”, may expose group to charge of plagiarism. ---
**Author:** ![atypicalcarl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@atypicalcarl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/atypicalcarl)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/211 "2001-09-19T21:33:21Z")
**OSAMA BIN LADEN CLAIMS WTC ATTACKS “ALL A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING” - INSISTS BAD TRANSLATION OF THE VERB ‘STRIKE’ IN INTRA-TERRORIST MEMO CAUSED MIX-UP** “I never intended for this to happen,” says bin Laden. “I admit that I was a little cranky and I said _fuck 'em,_ but things just got out of hand… You have no idea how friggin’ dense these zealots can be sometimes. They’re like Jerry Falwell on acid…well, maybe marijuana.” ---
**Author:** ![incitatus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/90ced4/32.png) [@incitatus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/incitatus)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/212 "2001-09-19T21:38:47Z")
**MAN FAILS TO RECEIVE MEDAL FOR SHOOTING MUSLIM CLERK** “I don’t understand it,” laments Bob Lindgren, 45 year-old construction worker and patriot who shot convenience store clerk Mohammed Abdul-Rahmaan twice in the head Sunday evening in response to the September 11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. “I’ve done my duty for America and I think I deserve some kind of recognition for this.” **BIN LADEN ADMITS JEALOUSLY OF AMERICAN FREEDOM, OPPORTUNITY** According to inside sources, terrorist Osama bin Laden planned the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon because he was “extremely jealous” of the United States. An agitated Bin Laden spoke briefly to interviewers from his cave in the mountains of Afghanistan: “Okay, I admit it! America _is_ the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world, and that makes me very, very angry!” **AIRLINERS TO INCLUDE SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTONS** In an effort to prevent future terrorist hijackings, Boeing will include self-destruct buttons on every new airliner built after September 2001. The large, red buttons will be located on the left armrest of every passenger seat in the aircraft. Should hijackers take over the plane, passengers will be able thwart terrorist plans with a simple press of a button. ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/213 "2001-09-19T22:58:09Z")
**PA PLANE TARGET WAS PENN STATE Weak football team "an abomination before Allah."** **NOT TERRORISM BUT FLIGHT SCHOOL? Pilot of AF1 also alum, couldn’t find DC** “We kept telling him ‘Washington’” said an annonymous Secret Service source, “but he couldn’t navigate worth a damn.” Col. Charles “Chuck” Waggon first thought the nation’s capital was in Louisiana, then accidentally flew to Nebraska. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/214 "2001-09-19T23:30:48Z")
**McDonald’s New WTC Happy Meal Dubbed "In Poor Taste"** Comes with toy plane, collapsing cardboard model of towers, and rescue worker action figures. **EXCLUSIVE: WTC Revealed to Have Been One Week from Retirement!** ---
**Author:** ![Spoonbender](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spoonbender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoonbender)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/215 "2001-09-20T00:23:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > I’ve just got to run with this one. > > **The WTC Attack: I Did It For Allah** > > _by Osama bin Laden_ > … > \*\* RickJay, you don’t just kick ass, you _smite_ ass! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/216 "2001-09-20T00:30:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Usram \* > \*\ ***RACE ON TO CONSTRUCT WORLD’S SHORTEST BUILDING** > Ireland claims Dublin’s 4-foot high O’Reilly Centre “couldn’t be hit by a cropduster” \*\* \*\*A New Terror Takes To The Sky \*\* Strapped with dynamite, Pidgeon Death Squads are training to blow up famous landmarks, such as the Millenneum Wheel that graces London’s skyline. " It will help save our radical zealots for more important labor issues like flag burning and rock throwing exhibitions for international news media and get rid of the the pesky germ ridden birds." said one member of the Taliban on condition of anonymity. Mr. Adbul el-Grazhi ( of 104 Stone Cave Parkway, Apartment 8C, Baddalamabadaad, Afghanistan) said the only problem he was encountering during the training was, " Once the birds land at their destination, they forget to light the wick." ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/217 "2001-09-20T00:30:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jmonster \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by mswas \* > > > > > [@](#): > > > > > > \*Originally posted by Ashtar \* > > > **In AD 2001, War Was Beginning** > > > “Somebody set us up the bomb.” - Colin Powell > > > [sub]“Move ‘Nuke’.” - President Bush, “For great justice.”[/sub] > > > > All your mudhuts are belong to us. > > I was thinking about it, and I think it should be: > > **Al your Qaeda are belong to us.** \*\* Or… _Al your Qaeda are belong to U.S._ ---
**Author:** ![Spoonbender](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spoonbender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoonbender)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/218 "2001-09-20T00:39:15Z")
**Giuliani Vows: New WTC Will Be Twice as Large, More Than Twice As Powerful** Will be protected by energy shield generated from New Jersey ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/219 "2001-09-20T00:40:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Atreyu \* > \*\ ***Billboard announces first ever #1 Hit by a Middle Eastern group: "The Bin Laden Calypso"** > Catchy lyrics, which include “Come on, Mr. Taliban, tally me Osama”, may expose group to charge of plagiarism. \*\* This is friggin’ genius. \*\*US knocks on Afghans door \*\* “Nobody home, but us chickens.” \*\*Prez of Pakistan Gives Stirring Speech to His countrymen \*\* “We live in the UK, you retard.” came a collective shout from all the Fish n Chips owners of Great Britian. \*\*bin Laden’s Mother Speaks Out \*\* "He fucked alot of goats as a little boy. It kept him out from under my feet. " ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/220 "2001-09-20T00:47:58Z")
\*\*Frank Sinatra Rises From the Dead To See The Rubble \*\* “What son of a bitch did this to MY town?” The Chairman of the Board was heard to mutter between clenched teeth. \*\*Wicked Witch of the West Breaks Her Silence \*\* “That bin Laden fellow is even scarier looking than my winged monkeys.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=12)