# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 12
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/221 "2001-09-20T00:56:12Z")
A report in the Chicago Tribune says that the Onion staff is considering: **Report: 82 Percent of Americans Staring Blankly at Hands.** That’s not bad but I think they should peruse this thread for some better ideas. ---
**Author:** ![Tattva](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@Tattva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tattva)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/222 "2001-09-20T00:56:25Z")
**Air strike over Midwest Kansas, Missouri gone. Bush says, "Oops."** ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/223 "2001-09-20T00:57:58Z")
\*\*NASA Implicated In WTC Collapse \*\* " O-Rings." Was all the unnamed source would say. \*\*RJ Reynolds Gets Involved \*\* Wants warning labels put on all skyscrapers stating that breating in smoke and debris from a disintigrating building may be hazardous to your health. " We feel the people should know about this, it’s our Christian Duty." \*\*Osama Bin Laden Questioned In LA Case \*\* When asked where he was on the night of June 12, 1993, Mr. Bin Laden replied, " Hiding out from May’s terrorist attack on the World Trade Center, you can ask Muhammed and Ackbar…what? did I say something I wasn’t spose too?" ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/224 "2001-09-20T01:00:35Z")
\*\*Osama: In Trouble Again \*\* “I don’t know anything about this Lindberg Baby!” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/225 "2001-09-20T01:03:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Torgo \* > \*\*A report in the Chicago Tribune says that the Onion staff is considering: > > **Report: 82 Percent of Americans Staring Blankly at Hands.** > > That’s not bad but I think they should peruse this thread for some better ideas. \*\* I checked their web page and , to my understanding, to not accept outside submissions. I vote someone here email this to them. ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/226 "2001-09-20T01:03:38Z")
**Thurmond Shares Remembrances** Eldest senator reminded of sack of Rome by Vandals **Terrorist Motive Exposed - Bin Laden Just Trying to Distract From Sex Scandal** Alleged new lover not one of his five wives ---
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/227 "2001-09-20T01:28:42Z")
**Mr. T Refuses to Pity the Fool** Has “no respect for that sucka” Bin Laden **Bush Holds Ceremony for Opening of 93 Billion Gallon Can of Whoop-Ass** “And those are _imperial_ gallons,” says President. **U.S. Launches Preemptive Strike Against Equatorial Guinea** CIA thinks that was the one they found to be a threat, but “can’t quite remember” ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/228 "2001-09-20T01:31:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Torgo \* > \*\*A report in the Chicago Tribune says that the Onion staff is considering: > > **Report: 82 Percent of Americans Staring Blankly at Hands.** > > That’s not bad but I think they should peruse this thread for some better ideas. \*\* I don’t get it. And I’m not slow…at least not usually. There have been at least a couple dozen in this thread that are perfectly hysterical. We SHOULD email this to them. stoid ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/229 "2001-09-20T01:32:54Z")
**O.J. SIMPSON FORMS TASK FORCE WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN Duo vow not to rest until real killers are found** ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/230 "2001-09-20T01:37:49Z")
**Pfizer reveals new product: Airplane repellant for buildings** Stock skyrockets ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/231 "2001-09-20T01:39:45Z")
And what the heck, while I’m talking about Pfizer… **Results of Viagra WTC Reconstruction Attempt "Disappointing"** “Don’t worry,” says U.S., “It happens to lots of buildings.” ---
**Author:** ![galen\_ubal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/galen_ubal/32/4440_2.png) [@galen\_ubal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/galen_ubal)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/232 "2001-09-20T01:40:12Z")
Why don’t we send this to the White House? Poor George and Company could probably use the laugh. (knock, knock) Excuse me. (door opens) Evening gents. Nice shades. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/233 "2001-09-20T01:47:36Z")
I just checked out the Onion’s contact page, and frankly I was shocked…well ok not shocked but kinda disapointed in them. It’s very corporate. No unsolicited this, no emails, no links…FEH! They don’t DESERVE this thread. This thread is brilliant (with the exception of my couple of lame ass posts) ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/234 "2001-09-20T01:58:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Vinnie Virginslayer \* > **"DOPE PEDDLING QUEEN OF ENGLAND BEHIND ATTACKS!" CLAIMS LYNDON LAROUCHE > World yawns** Reality beat you to it, sort of. Just today, I saw a pair of Larouche loonies sitting behind a table they had set up on the sidewalk in front of the library claiming “it was an inside job,” that Bush did it so he could take our civil liberties away. There is no way to be loonier than Lyndon Larouche. Crazy as a shithouse rat, as they say. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/235 "2001-09-20T02:10:53Z")
Inspired by a post by **Shirley Ujest** in another thread … \*\* NFL SPOKESPERSON ANNOUNCES “BY PLAYING GAMES THIS SUNDAY, WE HOPE TO SHOW THE TERRORISTS THAT AMERICANS ARE READY TO RETURN TO NORMAL” Detroit Lions fans weep openly. \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/236 "2001-09-20T02:15:23Z")
\*\*TALIBAN ARRESTS, EXECUTES CITIZENS FOR BURNING AMERICAN FLAG “You know how much these fuckers are worth on eBay?” explains Finance Minister THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS SELL HOMES, MOVE TO ISRAEL “We want to go where it will be safe,” explains moving couple HOME DEPOT TO OPEN FIRST STORE IN IRAN IN 2002, AFGHANISTAN DESIGNATED AS PARKING LOT Construction to be begin shortly NORTH KOREA INVADES, ANNIHILATES SOUTH KOREA, NUKES CITIES “Their timing is supect,” comments Powell, warns North to “not let it happen again.” “AMERICA’S MOST WANTED” HOST JOHN WALSH TORTURED, HACKED TO PIECES AFTER FLYING TO AFGHANISTAN TO CONFRONT OSAMA BIN LADEN “Not the best decision John has ever made,” comments Fox exec. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/237 "2001-09-20T02:16:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Stoid \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Torgo \* > > \*\*A report in the Chicago Tribune says that the Onion staff is considering: > > > > **Report: 82 Percent of Americans Staring Blankly at Hands.** > > > > That’s not bad but I think they should peruse this thread for some better ideas. \*\* > > I don’t get it. And I’m not slow…at least not usually. > > There have been at least a couple dozen in this thread that are perfectly hysterical. > > We SHOULD email this to them. > > stoid \*\* I am sooooooooooo glad I was not the only one to not “get” it. I think it refers to everyone staring at their hands in furtive prayer…maybe? ---
**Author:** ![Tattva](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@Tattva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tattva)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/238 "2001-09-20T02:25:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Stoid \* > > \*\* > > > > > [@](#): > > > > > > \*Originally posted by Torgo \* > > > \*\*A report in the Chicago Tribune says that the Onion staff is considering: > > > > > > **Report: 82 Percent of Americans Staring Blankly at Hands.** > > > > > > That’s not bad but I think they should peruse this thread for some better ideas. \*\* > > > > I don’t get it. And I’m not slow…at least not usually. > > > > There have been at least a couple dozen in this thread that are perfectly hysterical. > > > > We SHOULD email this to them. > > > > stoid \*\* > > I am sooooooooooo glad I was not the only one to not “get” it. I think it refers to everyone staring at their hands in furtive prayer…maybe? \*\* I think it’s refering to people looking at their hands in a sort of questioning way. Like “what can I do” and “how did this happen.” Or it could just be disbelief. I don’t really know, that’s just my interpretation. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/239 "2001-09-20T02:29:17Z")
Scott Dikkers used to be [editorial@theonion.com](mailto:editorial@theonion.com) (I searched my email archives from years ago). According to the Nic, the administrative and billing contact is [szwrgold@THEONION.COM](mailto:szwrgold@THEONION.COM). Just doing my part. ---
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/240 "2001-09-20T02:45:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Vinnie Virginslayer \* > **TALIBAN ARRESTS, EXECUTES CITIZENS FOR BURNING AMERICAN FLAG > “You know how much these fuckers are worth on eBay?” explains Finance Minister** BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You kill me, **Vinnie**! You kill me! Another one from me: **[Amazon.com](http://Amazon.com) tips Feds of Mysterious Order From Kabul, Afghanistan for 1000 copies of "Spelunking for Dummies"** No plans for an Arabic edition yet, however. **Taliban Leader Meets with Saddam Hussein in Hastily Arranged Summit** Hussein Offers Advice on How to Behave While Getting Ass Whooped (Inspired by [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=87259)): **Producers of “Blind Date” offer Osama bin Laden a guest appearance on the show** “He may look like he hasn’t taken a bath in 10 years,” one woman says, “and yeah, masterminding the death of thousands of innocent civilians is a kind of a negative point, but damn if he isn’t _cute_.” Proposed compensation for bin Laden’s appearance is rumored to be free coupons reedeemable with any major U.S. airline, a year’s supply of Ivory soap, and three young goats. **Hasbro Announces WTC Tragedy Action Figure Line** Sculpted six inch figures include bin Laden, George W. Bush, Colin Powell, the Taliban leader, and assorted soldiers. Accessories include miniature Stinger missiles and AK-47s. “We are waiting until the Christmas season before unveiling our models of the Boeing jets and World Trade Center,” a Hasbro spokesman explained, “but kids everywhere will be pleased to know that the World Trade Center will be rigged to collapse with the press of a button, and the WTC package will include a free Taliban action figure.” [sub]I am SO going to hell.[/sub] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=11) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=13)