# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![TheNerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TheNerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheNerd)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/261 "2001-09-20T13:06:22Z")
**LOCAL YOUTH APPROVES USE OF FORCE UP TO, BUT NOT INCLUDING, DEPLOYMENT OF SELF.** “The events of September 11 were a crime against everything this country stands for”, said Ryan Harrison, 19, from his register at Chick-fil-a. “To bring the perpetrators to justice, we must be prepared to commit our full military might, except me. These people are fanatics, and the threat of my-assured-destruction simply will not deter them.” ---
**Author:** ![Juniper200](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@Juniper200](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Juniper200)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/262 "2001-09-20T13:13:47Z")
I’m 100% positive that all submissions sent to The Onion are tossed or deleted without opening. Think about it. If they were to run a joke from this thread and the author of said joke has grounds to believe that Onion staffers have read the joke (“I mailed it to them just last week! It was in their possession!”), the author can demand a chunk of the profits from the issue or writing credit, etc. I’m sure that’s more of a hassle than The Onion wants to deal with, especially now that rights and residuals have become more complicated since the birth of the paper’s book and calandar empire. My precident for this is the stated policy of the MST3K writing staff not to read ANY fan submissions or webfic for the above reasons. I’m sure there are heavily-fanficed shows with a similar policy, and I’m almost sure that entities that do accept fan submissions (Star Trek is the one that stands out in my mind) have run into trouble every now and again when a published/aired piece of official product bears a resemblance to a fan-created work submitted to the producers. I sincerely doubt anyone at The Onion will read this thread, but I’m glad I have. There are some real gems here. I echo the disappointment of whoever lamented the impossibility of Threadspotting glory for this one. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/263 "2001-09-20T13:14:57Z")
> [@](#): > > **Hydrogen bomb “not an option,” Powell states > NATO “still considering” newer, safer Helium bomb.** \*\*Helium Bomb A Bust \*\* “Pilots are taking “hits” off the bomb and talking back to the tower in high squeaky voices.” Colin Powell reports, “Controllers are too busy pissing their pants than watching traffic.” > [@](#): > > **Islamic Nations, West on brink of nuclear Holy War** > Cubs take 3-0 lead in World Series. Lions in the Superbowl. Metro Detroiters all have collective coronaries. " It’s the damndest thing I’ve ever seen." States Billy Rueben, cardiologist. \*\* Air Traffic Controllers Speak Out About Sept 11 \*\* “Looks like we picked the wrong week to stop smoking cigerettes.” says their union leader, Lloyd Bridges. **Amanampour & Robertson** Cristiana Amananpour and Nic Robertson have decided to take measures into their own hands and have captured Osama bin Laden. " Everyone said we where insane to be inside the hot zone like we do, so we decided to prove it. Finding Osama wasn’t difficult at all, we just followed the sordid trail of stunned goats and there he was." ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/264 "2001-09-20T13:17:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Juniper200 \* > \*\* > > I sincerely doubt anyone at The Onion will read this thread, but I’m glad I have. > \*\* Me too. Ditto and yep. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/265 "2001-09-20T13:20:48Z")
[quote] **Raze-a-mosque" fad sweeps nation! "More fun than ‘Intern-a-Jap’ " participants reveal.** [quote] \*\*Whack-a-Kraut Still #1 War Time Fad. \*\* Followed by #4 " Mock Johnny Reb." [sub]I love you guys. See you in hell! [/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Re\_PT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a698b9/32.png) [@Re\_PT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Re_PT)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/266 "2001-09-20T13:33:51Z")
**Band On The Run As Bush Resurrects McCartney-era Witch-hunts** Wings flee country after being blamed for Jet strikes. Evidence found in song lyrics, Whitehouse officials say. ---
**Author:** ![berdollos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@berdollos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/berdollos)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/267 "2001-09-20T13:49:32Z")
The Harder They Fall." “WTC FALLS, CONDIT RELIEVED” ---
**Author:** ![Zappo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b3f665/32.png) [@Zappo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zappo)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/268 "2001-09-20T13:50:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > \*\*\*\*Frank Sinatra Rises From the Dead To See The Rubble \*\* > “What son of a bitch did this to MY town?” The Chairman of the Board was heard to mutter between clenched teeth. > \*\* **Shirley** , you rock. When I grow up I wanna be just like you. 😃 Zappo ---
**Author:** ![Kantalooppi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a5b964/32.png) [@Kantalooppi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kantalooppi)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/269 "2001-09-20T13:51:55Z")
**Godwin’s Law Expanded To Include Taleban, Bin Laden References** **Osama Bin Laden Bombed, Dead: World Attention Instantly Shifts** **Bin Laden Confesses True Motive Of WTC Attacks: Massive Case Of Penis Envy** ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/270 "2001-09-20T14:08:13Z")
**Peter Funt & Suzanne Somers Questioned by FBI** _Candid Camera stunt gone horribly, horribly wrong claims eyewitness._ **Jesse Helms Coming Out of Retirement to Kick Some Afghani Ass** _“I turn my back on these damned foreigners for one second and look what happens” quips xenophobic senator._ **Bin Laden Deported to Sweden** _Claims he’s not from there._ ---
**Author:** ![Spoonbender](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spoonbender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoonbender)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/271 "2001-09-20T14:14:32Z")
**Onion Bans Jokes About Afghans, France** “Yeah, yeah - the French are cowards, and an ‘Afghan’ is also a kind of rug or shawl,” says editor. “We all get it.” ---
**Author:** ![NotMrKnowItAll](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/6bbea6/32.png) [@NotMrKnowItAll](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NotMrKnowItAll)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/272 "2001-09-20T14:16:47Z")
**Onion’s mailserver under terrorist attack!** _"Either that or everyone thinks they’re funny_ ---
**Author:** ![Zappo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b3f665/32.png) [@Zappo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zappo)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/273 "2001-09-20T14:58:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pcubed \* > > **Bin Laden Deported to Sweden** > _Claims he’s not from there._ \*\* \ Yo! [toss stack of papers] _THUMP_ Holy shit! I can see! I can see! But who am I? \ Sorry, had to do it. 😛 Zappo ---
**Author:** ![G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c67d28/32.png) [@G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G.B.H.Hornswoggler)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/274 "2001-09-20T14:58:38Z")
**India Demands “Dibs” on Pakistan** “Bush can nuke Kabul, but Islamabad is ours, man,” Claims Prime Minister, “We’ve been ready for years to kick their asses.” **China Massacres Tibetans, Dissidents, Intellectuals, Foreigners, Livestock** Leaders Call for “Renewed Cultural Revolution” “Don’t waste my time with pissant shit,” Says Colin Powell. **Jesus Returns to Earth With Message of Peace for All Mankind, Back in Heaven by Lunchtime** “The time wasn’t right,” Explains Savior. Hopes to Reschedule “Second Coming” in New Year **Pate Supplies in Lower Manhattan Dangerously Low** Trucking Delays Taking Huge Toll on Idle Rich Prices for Helicopter Flights to Hamptons Soar **Brooklyn Reels in Horror** “We haven’t been able to see Jersey for 30 years, man, and now it’s right in our faces,” Weeps One Man ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/275 "2001-09-20T15:42:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zappo \* > \*\*Sorry, had to do it. 😛 > > Zappo \*\* No need to apologize, I’m just glad somebody got the reference. A classic movie. ---
**Author:** ![wbwhitehouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f17d59/32.png) [@wbwhitehouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wbwhitehouse)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/276 "2001-09-20T15:43:23Z")
My favorites from page 5 of this thread. Sorry, authors not credited, but should be honored by some tribute song (y’all know who you are): [ul] [li]Air strike over Midwest: Kansas, Missouri gone. Bush says, “Oops.”[/li] [li]NASA Implicated In WTC Collapse: " O-Rings." Was all the unnamed source would say[/li] [li]U.S. Forces Bomb Afghanistan Into Ultra-Hyper Laser Beam Age: “Shit, we got it backwards,” says Rumsfeld[/li] [li]Department of Defense Goes 3-D: Construction begins on new Icosahedron[/li]_Yet another way to beat a dead cow, the Pentagon-shape joke_ [li]Producers of “Blind Date” offer Osama bin Laden a guest appearance on the show[/li] [li]Tapes of Homemade Tribute Songs Begin to Surface: DJs Request Tongs[/li] [li]Jeane Teasdale: “Things Sure Are Gloomy At The Fashion Bug”[/li][/ul] My humble submissions: **Osama bin Laden Puppet-Stooge for Another Really, Really Evil Guy** Hitler, Tiny Tim Could Not Be Reached for Comment **In Wake of Tragedy, Jared Regains 200 Pounds** Subway restaurant spokesman finds recent ads uninspiring **Americans finding solace, comfort in Milli Vinilli** _Straight from this hour’s headlines_ **Osama bin Laden Homeless** Terrorist leader to live on streets of Manhattan in cardboard box ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/277 "2001-09-20T16:00:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wbwhitehouse \* > **Osama bin Laden Puppet-Stooge for Another Really, Really Evil Guy** Whoa! You must be [psychic](http://www.theday.com/news/ts-re.asp?NewsUID=6D3205E4-DC94-4C1E-85C1-7B11AE528C9A)! ---
**Author:** ![\_somewhat\_damaged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/ccd318/32.png) [@\_somewhat\_damaged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_somewhat_damaged)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/278 "2001-09-20T16:07:36Z")
LAWYERS GAIN MARGINAL POPULARITY In a recent gallop poll, Americans were asked who they hated most. The results are: 1. Satan 2. Benito Moussilini 3. Adolf Hitler 4. Lawyers 5. Osama bin Laden Hitler expressed disappointment in his drop from the number two spot the the third. Satan laughed. Moussilini said he was just glad to see his name still on the list. But, most Americans polled admitted they didn’t really know who Moussilini was. Lawyers referred us to their lawyers for comment. Their lawyers had no comment. “Hey, why aren’t we number one man,” angry N’Sync member Justin Timberlake lip synced, as his agent spoke. BIN LADEN SENDS 1,000 DOZEN ROSES AND JEWELRY TO AMERICA Promises never to do it again. “He said he’s sorry and he loves me. He really loves me,” America said tearfully. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/279 "2001-09-20T16:19:43Z")
**Nation’s ignorant and apathetic ponder possible suspects** “Shit, man, I don’t know and I don’t care,” spokesperson replies. **War on terrorism christened "Operation Infinite Justice"** Provisional name, “Operation Nuke the Fuckers” scrapped. **Jews, gypsies, homosexuals had “nothing to do” with bombing, says Jorg Haider** “Let’s round 'em up, anyway, just in case,” Austrian politician adds. **Bin Laden turns himself in** Witnesses report sightings of airborne swine in Kabul **Citizens of Townsville send condolences, sympathy** Mayor offers assistance of Powerpuff Girls ---
**Author:** ![\_somewhat\_damaged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/ccd318/32.png) [@\_somewhat\_damaged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_somewhat_damaged)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/280 "2001-09-20T16:27:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pulykamell \* > > **Citizens of Townsville send condolences, sympathy** > Mayor offers assistance of Powerpuff Girls \*\* _BOL_ This is one of the best yet! BIN LADEN CLEARED Townsville villains Mojo Jojo and “Him” claim responsibility for attacks. “It was we who perpetrated the attacks on the eleventh of September,” Jojo ranted, “We are the ones who are responsible for these terrorist acts. It was not Osama bin Laden that master minded this glorious scheme, but we who concocted this fool-proof plan.” “Him” could not be reached for comment and asked that we contact him after he finished is aerobics routine and bubble bath. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=15)