# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![Re\_PT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a698b9/32.png) [@Re\_PT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Re_PT)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/281 "2001-09-20T16:30:04Z")
**Oliver Stone Filming Modern Wizard of Oz** Stone, when asked about the updated aspects of his film said _“…changing [Dorothy’s house] into a tower block, and the wicked witch of the east into a financial trader symbolizes a rejection of capitalist values…”_. The only comment he made about the reversal of good and bad was _“The Munchkins always did seem like Terrorists to me.”_ **Middle-Eastern Leaders Release Cover Version of Shaggy Hit “It wasn’t me” Proceeds Go To Red Cross** ---
**Author:** ![nerv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/85e7bf/32.png) [@nerv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nerv)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/282 "2001-09-20T16:49:48Z")
Bin Laden Verdict: Not Guilty Chalk another one up for the “Twinkie Defence” ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/283 "2001-09-20T17:05:21Z")
**What Ethnic Groups Are We Confusing With Arabs?** Sikhs 29% Persians 18% Scotsmen 15% Romulans 11% Hindus 10% Goths 10% He-Men, but not incl. Skeletor: 4% Wookiees: 3% ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/284 "2001-09-20T17:13:24Z")
**Bin Laden pleads innocent** Claims al-Quaed democratic “political wing” of Jihad **CIA learns meaning of word "irony."** “Goddamn, you mean we _trained_ this fucker?” says Director Tenet **Satan sues Osama bin Laden for defamation of character** **NATO, Taliban in stalemate over bin Laden fate** Islamic elders suggest game of rock, scissors, paper to settle dispute **Taliban: Bin Laden can’t take hint** “I tried telling him it’s late and we had to get up early for work in the morning, but he just won’t leave,” said Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar. **Osama bin Laden cleared of bombings** Group named The Real Jihad claim responsibility ---
**Author:** ![Re\_PT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a698b9/32.png) [@Re\_PT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Re_PT)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/285 "2001-09-20T17:40:20Z")
**Terrorists Demand Disarmanent** The terrorists refuse to meet any of the US terms whilst American missiles are still in “active use”. A spokesman for Bin Laden declared that they will not return to the peace negotiations until America had grounded all planes, and placed chocks under all the wheels. Only then would the terrorists consider doing the same. ---
**Author:** ![curious\_george](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b487fb/32.png) [@curious\_george](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curious_george)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/286 "2001-09-20T17:42:39Z")
> **[The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](https://www.theonion.com/)** > > The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. The onion went with reruns. “In light of recent events, The Onion is not publishing new material this week. The Onion will return Sept. 26,…” Even the onion will not be as tasteless at this time as you people and your jokes. ---
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/287 "2001-09-20T17:49:52Z")
**Report: National Profanity Levels Up 14,000% Over Last Month** Experts attribute rise to “those fucking terrorist shitbags” ---
**Author:** ![Syzygy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Syzygy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syzygy)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/288 "2001-09-20T17:56:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by curious george \* > \*\*Even the onion will not be as tasteless at this time as you people and your jokes. \*\* Oh, wah, wah. At least we’re trying to promote laughter, a healthy part of life. No partisan bullshit here. **Some Americans Revelad to Have Sense of Humor** Chris Rock: “Damn, I was startin’ to think I was out of a job!” ---
**Author:** ![Syzygy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Syzygy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syzygy)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/289 "2001-09-20T17:57:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by curious george \* > \*\*Even the onion will not be as tasteless at this time as you people and your jokes. \*\* Oh, wah, wah. At least we’re trying to promote laughter, a healthy part of life. No partisan bullshit here. **Some Americans Revealed to Have Sense of Humor** Chris Rock: “Damn, I was startin’ to think I was out of a job!” ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/290 "2001-09-20T18:13:26Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by pcubed \* > \*\* > Does this mean the Onion would have to have permission in writing from the Chicago Reader or work an individual deal with the original poster > ._ \*\* Just like it says, each one of us retains the rights to our own work. So if the Onion really did like one of these, all they’d have to do is email the poster who wrote it. stoid ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/291 "2001-09-20T18:18:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by curious george \* > \*\*Even the onion will not be as tasteless at this time as you people and your jokes. \*\* [Hawkeye] Hey! I resemble that remark! [/Hawkeye] ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/292 "2001-09-20T18:31:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Michael Ellis \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by curious george \* > > \*\*Even the onion will not be as tasteless at this time as you people and your jokes. \*\* > > [Hawkeye] > > Hey! I resemble that remark! > > [/Hawkeye] \*\* I believe you mean: [Curly to Moe] Hey! I resemble that remark! [/Curly to Moe] i am appalled that I know this yikes ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/293 "2001-09-20T18:41:48Z")
\*\*ABC PULLS WTC AIRLINE CRASH FOOTAGE, SAYS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, TRAUMATIZING TO VIEWERS Still does not explain addition of “Thieves” to fall lineup NOSTRADAMUS QUATRAIN FOUND! Accurately predicted Cleveland Browns would actually go a weekend without losing; comes true September 16 HOT BABES OF AFGHANISTAN CALENDAR A DISMAL FAILURE “American men just can’t bring themselves to pin up photos of sheep,” explains disappointed distributor MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER TONY ROBBINS OFFERS SUPPORT AT GROUND ZERO “We all need to develop strategies to program ourselves to empower our lives for daily action,” motivational speaker tells rescue workers. Is immediately beaten to death. BUSH DECLARES AMERICA SAFE FROM THE FORCES OF ALLAH “Besides, she died in a plane crash a few weeks ago,” Prez declares\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/294 "2001-09-20T18:46:01Z")
> [@](#): > > Shirley, you rock. When I grow up I wanna be just like you. > > Zappo The Shirley Ujest Fan Club: Number of Enrollees: One \*\*Columbia Sends Care Package \*\* 1000 kilos of cocaine were sent to NY and DC. “It’s the least we could do after all the business they’ve given us.” Said an unidentified member of the Cartel. **Brazilian Goalie Shot** “First he lets that goal in during a crucial game. \*Now \* the attacks… " replied Roberto Clementi Noriega, " It’s all too coincidental. We aren’t taking chances.” \*\*New Airline To Launch \*\* Nudist Airlines will begin flying effective November 1. Safety will be their primary focus and “flying naked will only give every passenger a peace of mind.” said company spokesman Andy Cahill. " Seats will be plastic and there wil be sections alotted for circumcized and non-circumsized males. Barf bags will be plentiful." \*\*Movie Premiere In Kabul \*\* American Cousin is slated to open at the Ford Theater in downtown Kabul. A special balcony seat has been reserved for Mr. Osama bin Laden. \*\*Italy vows support \*\* Send 2 million pairs of Ferragamo shoes. “It’s the least we could do.” \*\*Operation Infinite Justice Changed \*\* " We prefer to call it “Knock Knock” " says Colin Powell. ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/295 "2001-09-20T18:46:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Vinnie Virginslayer \* > **BUSH DECLARES AMERICA SAFE FROM THE FORCES OF ALLAH > “Besides, she died in a plane crash a few weeks ago,” Prez declares** \*\* That’s funny on so many levels 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/296 "2001-09-20T18:53:20Z")
**"December 11th, 2001 a Day of National Tragedy"** _George Bush Sr. speaking to a local veterans group._ ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/297 "2001-09-20T18:55:46Z")
\*\*Money Trail Discovered \*\* bin Laden made his bajillions selling beanie babies on Ebay. “Those spawn of satan Americans will buy anything.” laughed the bug eyed goat meglomaniac. \*\*NYC cab drivers return to normalcy \*\* “It’s been hard, but we are back to overcharging fares and talking the by-way-of-Kansas routes to deliver people to Rockefeller Plaza.” said Abdul Ramalamdingdong, “And people don’t seem to mind being screwed this way at all. Every one is quite polite and says after paying the exorbinant fare in full, says to me, " Thank you for not flying a 747 into my place of business, Abdul.” \*\*Another Poll \*\* What comfort food have Americans gorged themselves since September 11th? 25% - Grilled Cheese 10% - Chips and Salsa 15%- Cookies and cake 25% Ice cream 10% Pizza with lots of ham topping 5% - All of the above. ---
**Author:** ![Lolo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f475e1/32.png) [@Lolo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lolo)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/298 "2001-09-20T19:27:16Z")
“WTC attacked, Christian decries homosexuality” ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/299 "2001-09-20T19:42:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by curious george \* > \*\*[http://www.theonion.com/](http://www.theonion.com/) > The onion went with reruns. “In light of recent events, The Onion is not publishing new material this week. The Onion will return Sept. 26,…” > > Even the onion will not be as tasteless at this time as you people and your jokes. \*\* Pot, this is the kettle. ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/300 "2001-09-20T19:43:06Z")
**PUBLICATION OF “HARRY POTTER AND THE SUNUVABITCH TOWEL-HEADED ISLAMIC TERRORIST MADMAN MOTHERFUCKER” DELAYED Children’s book “not appropriate at this time,” says publisher TERRORISTS MAY HAVE VISITED OJ SIMPSON FOR TRAINING, FBI SAYS Islamic hijackers admired Simpson’s skills with “sharp pbjects”, investigators theorize BUSH ATTACKS KORAN! Airstrikes launched on Seoul, Pyongyang. “We will make no distinction between terrorists and countries that harbor them,” Prez declares. SANTA CLAUS GROUNDED: TERROR PLOT REVEALED FBI discovers plot to fly sleigh into Empire State Building; Islamic elf terorist cell may be operating at North Pole; “No one is safe,” investigators say** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=16)