# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![caveman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/caveman/32/7242_2.png) [@caveman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caveman)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/301 "2001-09-20T20:00:20Z")
* * * News Wascally bin Laden claims its “Duck Season” Apparently, storm hits FL Pants Shat Headlines **Clean Underwear Shortage Hits Mideast** **Al Queda, Jawas form alliance** Glowy eyes, droid parts to aide terrorist cause **Bin Laden Relaxing, Not Doing It** Reports indicate that he may, however, want to go do it ---
**Author:** ![caveman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/caveman/32/7242_2.png) [@caveman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caveman)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/302 "2001-09-20T20:13:44Z")
Woo-Hoo! I’m post #300 on this thread and started page 7! To bad my stuff is horribly lame! ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/303 "2001-09-20T21:24:56Z")
\*\*AMERICA COUNTERS TERROR WITH MORE TERROR: SLIPKNOT TO TOUR AFGHANISTAN “We surrender!” pleads Taliban LONE AMERICAN SEEN HOLDING CANDLE OUTSIDE HOUSE AT 10:30 LAST NIGHT Expresses relief that his Brooklyn Bridge was not damaged; proudly displays vast collection of Dave Del Dotto’s “No Money Down” real estate videos to reporters BEN AFFLECK EXPRESSES SORROW OVER TERROR ATTACKS “I sure picked the wrong time to quit drinking,” troubled actor says DISNEYSTAN, TALIBAN THEME PARK, TO BE SPARED AIR STRIKES, PENTAGON SAYS Mullah Mouse, Donald Ducat, Peter Pakistan safe for now\*\* ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/304 "2001-09-20T21:32:44Z")
**"He was always a bit of a loner"** Ahmet al Sharif, next door neighbor of suspected mass murderer Osama bin Laden revealed to authorities. “But I never would have suspected him of something like this” ---
**Author:** ![atypicalcarl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@atypicalcarl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/atypicalcarl)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/305 "2001-09-20T21:45:34Z")
**FEDS SAY EARLIER REPORT OF 10,000 LEADS FROM INTERNET TIP SITE TO BE ERRONEOUS “Unfortunately,” says chief, "we had a typo at the top of the web page - what we thought were leads turned out to be posts from 10,000 assholes telling us that ‘terrerist’ is spelled with an 'o’** ---
**Author:** ![XMonsterCrewX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9f8e36/32.png) [@XMonsterCrewX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XMonsterCrewX)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/306 "2001-09-20T23:36:37Z")
Charlton Heston condemns role of gun control in WTC attacks. “If every sound-minded citizen in new york had the right to carry their own stinger missiles, the planes would never have made it that far,” says NRA president. “I’m just glad they didn’t get the Statue of Liberty, or BOTH Planet of the Apes movies would have endings that don’t make sense.” Bin Laden says U.S. aggression towards him a total misunderstanding. “Dude, I totally tried to IM Bush with “jk” moments after the attack, but his AIM was turned off. Total buzzkill,” claims muslim extremist. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/307 "2001-09-20T23:39:12Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by **XMonsterCrewX** _ > > “I’m just glad they didn’t get the Statue of Liberty, or BOTH Planet of the Apes movies would have endings that don’t make sense.” Sorry, what did the old gal have to do with the remake? 😕 Esprix ---
**Author:** ![jmonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/dbc845/32.png) [@jmonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmonster)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/308 "2001-09-21T00:04:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > _Originally posted by **XMonsterCrewX** _ > > > > “I’m just glad they didn’t get the Statue of Liberty, or BOTH Planet of the Apes movies would have endings that don’t make sense.” > > Sorry, what did the old gal have to do with the remake? 😕 > > Esprix \*\* Nothing; the remake already didn’t make sense. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/309 "2001-09-21T00:32:31Z")
Vinnie, I want to bear your children! Ahem. That said: \*\*Pentagon’s New Shape Revealed Today \*\* " It will be in the shape of a Pentagram, " Says Lucy Ferr-Mestophocles, chief architect. “If we are the Great Satan, why not say it for the whole world to see!” \*\*Ben & Jerry’s Cancel’s New Flavor \*\* Pulling \*Ruby Ridge Rum Raisin \* from the shelves. “Would not be appropriate at this time.” \*\*Gays Allowed In Military \*\* “We feel at this time of national crisis, it is time to lay down our differences and admit able bodied men, be they transvestites or gender confused, into the ranks. Butchy lesbians are very highly encouraged to sign on with the Marines.” Said Colin Powell. \*\*Gays Respond \*\* " I am nooooot fighting in cammies. It makes me looook fat! And what is with that face paint? Ugh, haven’t you people ever heard of Bobby Brown?" replied James “Rachel” Hotchkiss. ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/310 "2001-09-21T00:33:21Z")
**Jackson Envious of WTC** “In better shape that my face”, mourns once-popular singer. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/311 "2001-09-21T00:37:36Z")
\*\*bin Laden’s Father Speaks Out \*\* “A strange one, that Osama.” Said his father, Mahmet bin Laden, “His testicles never dropped.” \*\*Bill Clinton Meets Bin Laden \*\* “Say, Osama, is that sheet you’re wearin’ from the Gap?” \*\*QUANTAS Still The Only Airline Without A Crash \*\* “Neener, neener, neener.” replied company President Bruce Billabong. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/312 "2001-09-21T01:01:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\*AMTRAK/GREYHOUND TO REVEAL NEW JOINT AD CAMPAIGN > > In an attempt to bolster sagging ridership, both AMTRAK and Greyhound are expected to unveil new ad campaigns prominently featuring the danger of air travel. Among the slogans being market-tested throughout the country: > > AMTRAK, we’ll get you to your destination on time AND alive. Now that’s service. > > Greyhound - Leave the Driving to us, not some radical Muslim fundamentalist. \*\* **Amtrak denies a crash happened just days after WTC** “It was for an upcoming movie starring Segal, Van Damme, Moranis, Nicholson, and Blanchett,” says spokesman. ---
**Author:** ![Kritter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a587f6/32.png) [@Kritter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kritter)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/313 "2001-09-21T01:49:02Z")
MAKERS OF RESOLVE CARPET CLEANER SUEING PREZ FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGMENT. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/314 "2001-09-21T01:52:04Z")
**Bush Jr. Now Officially a Man** ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/315 "2001-09-21T02:36:14Z")
**Landing Pad For SDF-1 To Be Built On WTC Site** ---
**Author:** ![Palve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a698b9/32.png) [@Palve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palve)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/316 "2001-09-21T03:30:35Z")
Pez takes new Osama Bin Laden dispenser off shelves. Bush vows vengeance on “that country next to the funny-shaped one” Cheney takes decisive action. Bush wants wowwipop. Terrorists just greeting Co-Pilot Jack; seized new opportunity. ---
**Author:** ![Palve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a698b9/32.png) [@Palve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palve)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/317 "2001-09-21T03:36:05Z")
Pez takes new Osama Bin Laden dispenser off shelves. Bush vows vengeance on “that country next to the funny-shaped one” Cheney takes decisive action. Bush wants wowwipop. Terrorists just greeting Co-Pilot Jack; seized new opportunity. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/318 "2001-09-21T03:39:14Z")
\*\*CIA Try New Ploy \*\* Sending bin Laden a gift, which when it is near the terrorist leaders face, will cause his beard to fall off. “Maybe the second time’s the charm.” \*\*Martha Stewart Works with CIA, Massad, SAS \*\* " Put linens and towels on sale at Kmart and set up surveillence." says the meglomaniac uber hostess. ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/319 "2001-09-21T04:01:14Z")
**Parker, Stone, write Presedentian address:** “Blame Canada” cornerstone of anti-terrorist policy ---
**Author:** ![Pucky\_Schumer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@Pucky\_Schumer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pucky_Schumer)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/320 "2001-09-21T05:09:15Z")
**New Terrorist Demand: Ex-Beatle Starr must return sacred ring** **Next Target: Jennifer Lopez’s Butt** Terrorists need target they can see from air **New call for bipartisanship from Spider-Man, Batman** D.C., Marvel heroes put aside differences Justice League gives hearty "Avengers Assemble!’’ **American Psychiatric Assoc. recommends suicide counseling for all Afghan pilots** All least if _WE’RE_ ever gonna board a plane again, dude. **Terrorists: You’ll get my boxcutter when you pry it from my cold, dead hand** Rest of us: Sounds good **WTC Collapses: NY Times says women, minorities hit hardest** Yeah, I know that joke’s been done … **Taliban demands complete ban on Britney Spears** Not such bad guys, some say. **Al Sharpton: Dead Firefighters Responsible** Rev. says firemen scrawled slurs on victims Hillary Clinton, Al Gore seek his support **Tikkun Magazine: Could overreaction be keeping us from admiring artistry, poetry of burning buildings?** **Bin Laden labels American military, citizenry cowards** Leader slinks back inside cave, hides behind Taliban **China: We (snicker) send our most heartfelt (snort) condolences (bwa-hah-hah-hah!)** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=17)