# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 17
**Author:** ![Karellen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@Karellen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karellen)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/321 "2001-09-21T05:53:07Z")
**Over 95% of America Now Wearing "Colors"** Bloods, Crips, Desperately Confused, Shooting At Everyone **Afghans Fighting Over Remote** Population Divided Between CNN, BBC, MSNBC On Single TV **World Leaders Converge on NY To Do Some Shopping** “Prices slashed everywhere,” Says Megawati **Bush Begins Speech Training By Reagan, Clinton, Guliani, Dad** Prez To Learn Diction, Empathy, Enunciation, and Finger-Wagging **Gilette Offers bin Laden $5 Million To Shave Beard On TV** **"What Would Jesus Do?" Campaign Suspended** Replaced by “What Would Wrathful, Old-Testament Father Do?” ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 9:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/322 "2001-09-21T09:07:39Z")
**God Denies Involvement In Plane Crashes** “I’m not _really_ anyone’s co-pilot,” Deity explains, “It’s just a metaphor.” ---
**Author:** ![yojimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yojimbo/32/232_2.png) [@yojimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yojimbo)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/323 "2001-09-21T10:15:55Z")
Long thread so this was most likely already posted but if it hasn’t would I go to hell for posting a real Onion Story [Terrorist extremely annoyed by delayed flight](http://www.theonion.com/onion3632/terrorist_annoyed.html) ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/324 "2001-09-21T10:25:05Z")
**Samuel L. Jackson to Lead Attack on Afganistan** [sup]Operation Infinite Justice changed to Operation Ezekiel 25:17[/sup] “Jackson is a badmuthafucka,” says Rumsfeld. **Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Kreplakistan Also Targets** “I can’t keep track off all these -stan places, so we’re just gonna wipe 'em all out,” says Bush. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/325 "2001-09-21T12:24:10Z")
Editorial: **Aw, I bet I could take that Bin Laden guy.** by BillyBobJoe Everyone’s talking about that Bin Laden fella, the one what blows up the buildings and shit? Man, he ain’t so tough! I bet I could take him in a fight! I hear tell on that there tv last night that he ain’t doin’ so good. He got bad kidneys or somethin, and he walks with a cane. Man, if he saw me comin’, he’d probably piss in his Depends! Man, you know, all I’d have to do is just start pounding him. I mean, what’s he gonna do-whip them there towels at me? Nosiree, not me. I’ll be danged if don’t start trippin over that robe what they make him wear. Then I’d just start kicking him in the face and stomach. Finally, I’d grab a chair and break it over his back. Man, that would be so freakin’ cool! You know, I think I’m gonna go have muh brother write a letter to the President and tell him my plan. I’d do it myself, but I can’t write good since that truck fell on my head. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/326 "2001-09-21T13:12:29Z")
props to **protesilaus** …it’s my fav of this page so far. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/327 "2001-09-21T13:56:18Z")
**Bush Deploys Pro Wrestlers To Afghanistan** Bin Laden smelling what the Rock is cooking **Madonna Peace Mission Ends In Bloody Execution** Bush; “A negotiated peace may now be possible” **USA Now Opposed To German Military Support** History review reveals “something of a bad track record in these matters” ---
**Author:** ![Pucky\_Schumer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@Pucky\_Schumer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pucky_Schumer)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/328 "2001-09-21T15:33:51Z")
[**Clinton Threatens to Drop Da Bomb …**](http://www.theonion.com/onion3307/clintondropsdabomb.html) ---
**Author:** ![G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c67d28/32.png) [@G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G.B.H.Hornswoggler)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/329 "2001-09-21T15:50:18Z")
**Missing Terror Victims Unhurt; Were Miraculously Saved by Invisible Flying Saucers** Found Sipping Tea with Elvis, Judge Crater Will Return to Earth with Honor Guard of Airborne Pigs **FEMA Enforces Strict “No Looting” Policy for Emergency Workers** Ill-Paid EMT Forced to Return Bond Trader’s Bulging Wallet **Pentagon Staff Demands Equality of Mourning** “Hey, we were hit by a plane too,” Says one anonymous source, “Just because our building was strong enough not to fall down doesn’t mean we’re worthless.” Rural Pennsylvania Had No Comment **Tajikistan Offers Self as Staging Ground for Attack** Told “Not to Hold Its Breath” **Eminem Claims Hate-Filled Song “Stan” Is Actually About Taliban; Shold be Spelled " 'stan"** Scrawny Cretin Is Roundly Mocked **Wall Street Announces 50% Reduction in "Big, Swinging Dicks"** No Layoffs Needed; Reduction in Force Accomplished by Attrition, Fire [sub]I’m definitely going to hell with this batch[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![wbwhitehouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f17d59/32.png) [@wbwhitehouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wbwhitehouse)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/330 "2001-09-21T16:27:22Z")
**FBI widens sweep for terrorists, includes all bearded men** Santa Claus detained for questioning **Harry Dean Stanton Not Asked to Host Telethon for Disaster Relief** **Terrorists to Host “Terror-Telethon” on Competing Network** “We need more dollars to kill Americans,” says terrorist leader ---
**Author:** ![Palve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a698b9/32.png) [@Palve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palve)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/331 "2001-09-21T16:35:41Z")
**Barbie’s Terrorist Dream Camp Taken Off Shelves** ---
**Author:** ![coffeecam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bc8723/32.png) [@coffeecam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffeecam)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/332 "2001-09-21T16:46:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Juniper200 \* > > \*\* > > > > I sincerely doubt anyone at The Onion will read this thread, but I’m glad I have. > > \*\* > > Me too. Ditto and yep. \*\* Their Ed. in Chief gave a talk at my dorm last year. That is their express policy, for the reasons given before (legal issues). Ironically, the only legal trouble they have gotten into was about the Janet Jackson/make-a-wish boy. Cameron ---
**Author:** ![arara123](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@arara123](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/arara123)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/333 "2001-09-21T18:46:28Z")
**Al Queda Announces New Recruitment Incentives:** In Addition to Virgins in Paradise, Suicide Bombers to Receive Unlimited Lap Dances and Shots of Jack Daniel’s the Night Preceding Mission ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/334 "2001-09-21T18:51:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wbwhitehouse \* > \*\ ***FBI widens sweep for terrorists, includes all bearded men** > Santa Claus detained for questioning > \*\* C. Everette Koop detained for questioning. " It’s my “Mr. Yoder look, really.” pleads the former Surgeon General. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/335 "2001-09-21T18:55:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wbwhitehouse \* > \*\ ***FBI widens sweep for terrorists, includes all bearded men** > Santa Claus detained for questioning > \*\* C. Everette Koop detained for questioning. " It’s my “Mr. Yoder look, really.” pleads the former Surgeon General. \*\*I.R.A. Reaction To WTC Attack \*\* " They killed thousands of innocent people - women, children, rescue workers - over religion." murmured Sean McGuire, leader of the IRA. " It that fuckin’ insane." ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/336 "2001-09-21T19:27:08Z")
**Osama Bin Laden Blames His Exploits on Bad Trip** “Man, what the hell was IN that shit? That’s the last time I give terrorism seminars while baked…” ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/337 "2001-09-21T20:16:58Z")
**Is Germany A Staging Ground For Terrorists?** Einstürzende Neubauten Held For Questioning _Pounding Electronica Beats Antithetical to American Rock-n-roll, Way of Life, claim FBI_ ---
**Author:** ![45ACP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/e5b9ba/32.png) [@45ACP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/45ACP)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/338 "2001-09-21T20:32:36Z")
Sadly folks, that is the actual headline of the September 21 edition of The Birmingham (Alabama) Post-Herald, speaking about Khalid Ss Aldiribi, a man currently being held by federal authorities in connection with the attacks. It seems he took about four flight lessons at the Bessemer Airport (small city directly west of Birmingham). There was also an article in yesterday’s edition which notes that the flight instructors were afraid to fly with him due to his bad attitude. [http://www.postherald.com/me092001.shtml](http://www.postherald.com/me092001.shtml) The headline from that article? “We didn’t think he was a terrorist” The guy had a string of petty traffic offenses here in Alabama and elsewhere, and was detained at Dulles last week while trying to board an aircraft. And, of course, he didn’t like anyone. Well, go figure. 45ACP ---
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/339 "2001-09-21T20:33:33Z")
**Taliban: Enough With the Goat Jokes Already** Threatens holy war if one more American makes a joke involving goats in Afghanistan **Bush Proposes Goats-For-Terrorists Deal** Taliban declares holy war ---
**Author:** ![Ximenean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/aca169/32.png) [@Ximenean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ximenean)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/340 "2001-09-21T20:48:07Z")
**Al Quaeda shaken by ironic SMDB quips** “These infidels think they can make a joke out of anything. And fuck me if they can’t. We’re doomed” says source close to Bin Laden [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=16) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=18)