# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 19
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/361 "2001-09-24T01:05:02Z")
That one gave me an idea… **Chandra Levy Resurfaces as Bin Laden’s Fifth Wife** Terrorist says that Condit is his next target. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/362 "2001-09-24T01:12:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by friedo \* > > \*\ ***United Airlines Announces New, Unprecidented Service** > > Will “fly you right to your office,” says spokesman. \*\* > > Bah ha ha ha ha…See you in hell friedo! \*\* I’ll bring the marshmallows if you bring the Hershey bars. 🙂 **Cecil Adams Found to be Terrorist Mastermind** “I heard Ann Landers worked in that building,” says world’s smartest human. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/363 "2001-09-24T01:19:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*Terrorist says that Condit is his next target. \*\* **BIN LADEN CLAIMS CONDIT NEXT TARGET** _“Why didn’t you fucking say so before?”, Americans respond_ ---
**Author:** ![G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c67d28/32.png) [@G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G.B.H.Hornswoggler)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/364 "2001-09-24T15:05:19Z")
**FBI Arrests Last Free Arab-American** Yusuf al-Islam, Greengrocer, Surrenders Peacefully “Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end.” Says FBI Spokesman **Congress Passes Hate-Crime Rider** All Hate Crime Laws Now Say “Except for dirty towel-heads.” Hastert Hopes to Pass Murder Exception in Next Week **Bin Laden Lost In Mountains** Taliban Say They Can’t Find Him, “Asked All His Neighbors” Moved, Left No Forwarding Address **Artist Christo Claims Responsibility for Trade Center Attacks** Environmental Art to Wrap Lower Manhattan in Dust Threatens Suit Over Destruction of Artwork **Man, 33, Killed at O’Hare Metal Detectors** Reportedly Joked, “I’ve only Got a _Small_\* Bomb, Is That OK?” Hit Simultaneously by 37 Briefcases, 22 Handbags and 16 Shoes ---
**Author:** ![nerv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/85e7bf/32.png) [@nerv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nerv)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/365 "2001-09-24T17:07:15Z")
\Man blasts wife and sister with shotgun\ Quote: “Well, she came out of the shower with a towel on her head, so I let her have both barrels. Can I have a medal?” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/366 "2001-09-24T17:53:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > Point-Counterpoint > > **Gen Colin Powell Is a Great Asset To My Administration** > by President George W. Bush > vs > **Soon I Will Overthrow The Imbecile And Be King** > By General Colin Powell, Secretary of State I have to write this one! **Gen Colin Powell Is a Great Asset To My Administration** by President George W. Bush If there were ever any doubts about appointing General Powell to my cabinet, they have been removed by his actions following our great tragedy. I always liked Powell. When I was in my thirties, and my Daddy was in the White House, he would often take me to see General Powell-especially during the Gulf War. You could tell Powell was trying really hard to be patient with a geeky kid like me-and I’ll always appreciate him for it! Yep, I am behind Powell one hundred and fifteen bezillion percent-and I’m glad he stands behind me. **Soon I Will Overthrow The Imbecile And Be King** By General Colin Powell, Secretary of State I must bide my time. Yes, our president is a moron. Hey-don’t blame me-I voted for Gore. I would have run myself, except for that nagging mule I call a wife-I should never have taken her to see _Lysistrada_. So, when the little dickweed asked me too, I naturally jumped at the chance to be Secretary of State. Mwha haha ahah! Little does he know! So far, I’ve gotten Rummy, Dick, and even John on my side-that last one was tough-I had to convince him that Dubya plays Pokemon, and is thus, evil. Condi was a given-she knows that Dubya is nothing but a skrawny little white boy. Soon, the US shall be under the control of Colin I, of the great House of Powell Dynasty. Soon, soon, the national Dumbass shall be no more. On second thought, perhaps he can be appointed my Court Jestor. ALL HAIL KING COLIN!!! ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/367 "2001-09-24T18:20:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*“What Would Jesus Do?” Campaign Suspended \*\* > Replaced by “What Would Wrathful, Old-Testament Father Do?” This should be a bumper sticker! \*\*Dubya Declares War On Tara \*\* “Well, what am I suppose to do,” Replied Scarlett O’Hara, “Fight him off with a carrot?” ---
**Author:** ![psiekier](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/psiekier/32/116_2.png) [@psiekier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psiekier)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/368 "2001-09-24T20:08:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pulykamell \* > \*\*Ok, I’ve waited long enough to get in on this one. You guys rock! And I hope you like my suggestions, too. 🙂 > > **Porn viewers breathe collective sigh of relief** > “Shit, man, we thought you said Tiffany Towers,” local man explains. > \*\* This is somewhat irrelevant, but you know she had her implants reduced, right? So, in effect, those Towers had been already demolished. I have been depressed ever since! ☹ For all you Sid Meier fans: **AFGHANI WISE MEN OFFER TO TRADE FUNDAMENTALISM FOR SECRET OF INVENTION** _With “Iron Working,” that could lead to “Gunpowder!” exclaim anxious Arab scientists._ ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/369 "2001-09-24T20:58:49Z")
**Taliban Clerics found to be Chaotic Evil** Bush to send Lawful Good Clerics in hopes of neutralizing their powers. [sub]The next one was a real headline[/sub] **Taliban: Bin Laden is Missing** “I know we put him down around here somewhere”, exclaims one confused Mullah. “We really must straighten up this place, but there’s been no time since the civil war. I am just so forgetful these days.” **Barbara Walters Exclusive: Bin Laden just jealous of missing out on Christmas gifts** “All I wanted was a yo-yo!” fundamentalist loony decries. ---
**Author:** ![Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@Amazing\_Magic-Gro\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazing_Magic-Gro_Monster)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/370 "2001-09-24T21:55:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Karellen \* > \*\*Bush Declares Sep 11 “A Day That Will Live In Imfany” > \*\* I just want to say that this one rocks! If The Onion swipes any of these it’ll be this one. ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/371 "2001-09-24T23:31:02Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by PigBoy \* > **Bin Laden: Allah Was Behind These Attacks** > Bush calls for delivery of God to U.S., “dead or alive”_\* When asked how God was to be taken into custody, the President said, "Trained commandoes will first turn their lives over to Christ, accepting Him as their Lord and Saviour. Then a crack team of marksmen will kill them with well-placed bullets to their brains. Since their souls are saved, they will go to Heaven. Once there, they will take God into custody or kill Him, but only if absolutely necessary. We Americans are merciful. “I’d lead them into battle myself, but I, uh… I got other stuff to do. I will pray that they succeed, though; that should help.” When asked where he got the idea for such a bold scheme, Bush said, “The final episode of _Xena_.” ---
**Author:** ![Karellen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@Karellen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karellen)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2001, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/372 "2001-09-25T03:42:01Z")
**Pope Calls For Religious Tolerance** Violence Should Be Over Racism, Greed Only, Pontiff Declares **Arafat Pledges Anti-Terrorism Coalition Support, Dead Jews** Sharon Pledges Logistics Help, Dead Palestinians **Philippine Muslim Extremists Demand Equal Air Time** Abu-Sayef Kidnapings Now Bumped to “Lifestyle” Section Of NY Times **Bush Approval Rating Surpasses 90, Own IQ** “Unprecedented” Says Gallup **Lee Greenwood Releases Acoustic, Hip-Hop, Reggae, Ska Versions of "God Bless The USA"** “Rasta-mon Be Blessin’ Da Peace Otay” Tops UK Charts ---
**Author:** ![Boxcar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Boxcar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boxcar)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2001, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/373 "2001-09-25T03:59:04Z")
If it ain’t true, it should be. Reported in [Opinion Journal:Best of the Web](http://www.opinionjournal.com/best/), from an Agence France-Presse report: Jorge Luis Castaneda, mayor of Apatzingan, has written President Bush a letter stating, “Mr. President Bush, I swear by what I hold dearest, which is my political career, that Apatzingan never had any active or moral role in the bloody events at the twin towers and the Pentagon,” Advised that the likely target of the American attack would be Afghanistan, not Apatzingan, the mayor replied, “Well, I did send it off, just in case.” ---
**Author:** ![eniale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/90ced4/32.png) [@eniale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eniale)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2001, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/374 "2001-09-25T08:14:46Z")
i found this message board, and i have truly had the best laugh i have had since all this crap happened. i feel better, its true that black humor can really help sometimes. i always thought laughing in the faces of bullies and evil cowards to be pretty damn powerful. i dont think the onion could do any better than you guys. i thought of something to add, but the idea left my head and i dont think it was so funny any way. something about people mixing up terriors with terrorists. anyone who can think something good with that subject is more than welcom keep it up, as you are seriously helping with my mental health these days. ---
**Author:** ![kferr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/71e660/32.png) [@kferr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kferr)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2001, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/375 "2001-09-25T09:47:49Z")
**New wide-ranging WTC inspired ‘Zero Tolerance’ laws result in every pupil expelled** “We will create a terrorism-free school system by eliminating all actions that could lure a student into terrorist tendencies” says a local school board official. Classrooms are empty as every single student suffers expulsion. Some of the offences that now result in expulsion are: [ul] [li]Running around the playground with arms extended making airplane noises[/li][li]Building a tower with Lego, then knocking it over[/li][li]Laughing or cheering when the Lego tower falls over[/li][li]Casually greeting friends named Jack[/li][li]Having knowledge of the location of possible targets such as the Sears Tower or Mount Rushmore[/li][li]Being able to spell Afganistan[/li][li]Being able to tell the difference between a box cutter and a sandwich[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Obvious\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Obvious\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Obvious_Guy)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2001, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/376 "2001-09-25T11:30:51Z")
\*\*Osama gets lost in the desert:Calls for help from the US Osama Bin Laden named the “Sexiest man of the year” Taliban forces go high tech:Throwing rocks are replaced with bricks FOX network announce new hit show:When terrorists attack Turbans become the latest fad in France President Bush announces all US problems present and future will now be blamed on Osama Canada statement to the US:Better you than us Switzerland declares it will remain neutral Bush replies with “Big surprise there.” Osama becomes slated to host the 2002 MTV movie awards Much to there amazement, American solders find a McDonalds in the middle of the Afghan dessert. A Usually reserved Pope states “Kill them all and let God sort them out!” Special news report:Osama Bin Laden in America all the time, working at a Dairy Queens. Co-Worker says “He was always the quite type, kept to himself.” CIA call Miss Cleo for help in locating Osama CIA Director quotes as saying “What the hell… we tried everything else.” ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2001, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/377 "2001-09-25T11:59:18Z")
**HIJACKER DISAPPOINTMENT: 70 VIRGINS IN HEAVEN TURN OUT TO BE VERY LARGE, WELL HUNG BIKER DUDES “SooooEEEY, dumb-asses!” chides Allah as shocked terrorists; “I knew it!” declares Falwell RUDY GUILIANI DECLARES SELF MAYOR-FOR-LIFE “I need to be around to help preserve democracy for New Yorkers,” popular NYC leader explains JERKY BOYS OFFER TO ANSWER PHONES ON CELEBRITY TELETHON REJECTED TERRORIST “WEAKEST LINK” CANCELLED Show was to feature tart mouthed host belittling Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Muamer Gaddafi, Abu Nidal. “Not appropriate at this time,” NBC exec explains** ---
**Author:** ![Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c67d28/32.png) [@Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weird_AL_Einstein)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2001, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/378 "2001-09-25T13:30:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by psiekier \* > \*\*For all you Sid Meier fans: > > **AFGHANI WISE MEN OFFER TO TRADE FUNDAMENTALISM FOR SECRET OF INVENTION** > _With “Iron Working,” that could lead to “Gunpowder!” exclaim anxious Arab scientists._ \*\* ROFLMAO! I read an interview once with the _Onion_ editor, Scott Dikkers. I remember him saying something to the effect that one of their rules is not to be afraid of making a joke that only a very few people would understand. [sub]Of course, “Gunpowder” won’t do them much good against “Stealth” and “Nuclear Fission”. [/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2001, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/379 "2001-09-25T14:03:48Z")
**Special Section: The Talibanization of America** > [@](#): > > _ **Amazing Magic-Gro Monster** said:_ > **UNITED STATES SURRENDERS TO TALIBAN!!** > World’s premier superpower to adopt Muslim religion, rigid interpretation of Koran. “You’ve gotta’ be Goddamn shitting me!?!” exclaims bin Laden upon notification of his victory. **Talibanic _Sharia_ written into Constitution** ‘That Bill of Rights stiff? We were just kidding!’ declare scholars **Washington DC to be renamed 'New Kabul’** New administration expected within week **New ‘Office of Homeland Morality’ Formed** First act is to place order for 150 million _burqa_s **Celebrities, Scientists Flee to Canada, Mexico** Greenland, Bermuda also popular destinations **Arnold Schwarzenegger Missing** May have returned to Austria; fans cry, ‘Who will save us now?’ **St-Pierre et Miquelon Reports Record Visa Applications** French colony off Newfoundland overjoyed: ‘Finally someone wants to visit us!’ **Religious Summit in New Kabul** ‘These Taliban people really aren’t all that bad!’ declare Falwell, Phelps. [sub]I’m doomed. I know it…[/sub] 😃 😃 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/380 "2001-09-26T00:25:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by arara123 \* > \*\ ***New Streisand/Disney Musical, _Mentl_, to be Released this Week** > Disney Announced that _Mentl_, Starring Barbra \*\* I thought this one should get a special mention. Mentl. heh. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=18) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=20)