# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Karellen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@Karellen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karellen)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 9:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/21 "2001-09-17T09:40:06Z")
CIA Denies Training Bin Laden in 1980 30$ Million, Weapons “just a loan” Bush Promises Return to Normalcy, Ignorance Dozens Arrested in Bootleg Flag Scam Hollywood FX Specialists To Make “Virtual WTC” 110-Story Hologram Will Have Offices, Shops Skyscraper Staircases To Be Replaced With Teflon-Coated Tornado Slides South Manhattan Condos Prices Up “Unobstructed View” Cited Poetic, 975-Page Muslim Extremist Training Manual Found Warrant Issued For Author “Mohammed” ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/22 "2001-09-17T12:51:23Z")
\*\*Florida Stores Cited for Stars and Stripes Panties “Price Gouging” Idaho Man Arrested for Shooting Korean Shopkeeper _“He was the closest I could find” suspect tells police_ Canada Warns Iceland: Countries that Help the United States Attack Will Lose Cod Fishing Rights Nuclear Weapons Not an Option, But Boy Would It Be Fun, Powell Tells Press Arafat Puts On Dress, Offers Bush Gay Sex, Offers Both Kidneys to WTC Survivors, Gadaffi Might Join _“We want to do all we can to show America we had nothing to do with this,” Palestinian, Libyan leaders contend_ Afghan Cave Owners Arrested, Shot in Stadium for Rent Gouging Robbie Kneivel Cancels WTC Jump _“Not appropriate at this time” says spokesman for stuntman_\*\* ---
**Author:** ![galen\_ubal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/galen_ubal/32/4440_2.png) [@galen\_ubal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/galen_ubal)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/23 "2001-09-17T12:57:18Z")
New ad compaign for Delta: “Our planes are _never_ used as missles!” Oh yeah - where does this “all your base are belong to us!” come from, anyway? ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/24 "2001-09-17T13:19:29Z")
What about **CNN Victorious** **Attacks Linked to Major League Baseball; FBI Explores “Stop The Damn Yankees” Angle** **"Mr. Powell Is The Boss Of Me," Admits Bush** **New York, Washington Attacked; France Surrenders To Germany** ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/25 "2001-09-17T13:22:37Z")
This thread was just what I needed. I’d contribute, but my wit isn’t up to par. ---
**Author:** ![Andy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/aeb1de/32.png) [@Andy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andy)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/26 "2001-09-17T13:27:52Z")
Aviation rethink: Bush suggests alternate flight paths. ---
**Author:** ![Myrr21](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Myrr21](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrr21)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/27 "2001-09-17T13:57:43Z")
Well, according to [this](http://www.jsonline.com/onwisconsin/arts/sep01/onion16091501.asp), they won’t be publishing new stuff this week. I’m sure they’ll get around to it eventually… [sub]WTC bombed; long sought-after second campus-center TV materializes ‘out of thin air’[/sub] (I’m not bitter) ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/28 "2001-09-17T16:01:39Z")
“No Psychics Killed In WTC Bombing” Sylvia Brown bragged that no pychics were killed last week in the WTC attacks, hinting that they were smart enough to stay away. When it was pointed out that no psychics worked there, Sylvia said, “That’s because they knew they shouldn’t work there”. Sylvia said that no psychics were killed at the Pentagon either. ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/29 "2001-09-17T16:27:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by galen ubal \* > \*\*Oh yeah - where does this “all your base are belong to us!” come from, anyway? \*\* A badly-translated-into-English Japanese-made video game. ---
**Author:** ![PigBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@PigBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigBoy)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/30 "2001-09-17T16:41:43Z")
**Government, Developers Agree: Seize Opportunity and Build Galaxy Trade Center** Bush mobilizes star fleet; conquest of galaxy slated to begin in January ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/31 "2001-09-17T16:44:28Z")
\*\*AVERAGE MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER ATTENDANCE DROPS BY 100 FANS PER GAME THIS WEEKEND AFTER GAMES ARE CANCELLED HIJACK SUSPECT, FORMER STOCK BOY, WAS A “TEAM PLAYER”, HOME DEPOT MANAGER SAYS “He sure could open those boxes!” recall fellow employees AFGHANISTAN REMEMBERS THE GOOD OLD DAYS: 1980 FACE OF ALIYAAH SEEN IN WTC SMOKE: PICTURES INSIDE WTC RUBBLE AND GARBAGE DUMPED AT OBVIOUS SPOT: NORTHERN NEW JERSEY DEMOLITION WORKERS UNION FILES SUIT AGAINST TERRORISTS “They are trying to put families out of work!” union head says MAYOR GUILIANI MOVES HAREM INTO GRACIE MANSION Public willing to ignore the Mayors amorous activities in wake of leadership AL GORE BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF “Maybe that one vote wasn’t needed after all!” Almost President says SPECIAL AGENT MARTIN JONES IN SOLO EFFORT TO FIND CHANDRA LEVY “He’s a one man team” prasies FBI Director KABUL 2012 OLYMPIC BID IN JEOPARDY “Baghdad might be a more suitable site” IOC says INTERNET STOCKS CRASH FROM 50 CENTS TO 20 CENTS A SHARE BRAZIL: USING OUR AIRSPACE FOR ATTACKS NOT A VIABLE OPTION AT THIS TIME South American country fearful of Taliban reprisals \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/32 "2001-09-17T16:56:43Z")
**DAVID COPPERFIELD CANCELS TV WTC DISAPPEARENCE SPECIAL “Would not have been in good taste to go on,” says CBS spokesman VALUE JET NAMED #1 IN AIR SAFETY KABUL STOCK MARKET CRASHES Goats go from 3 to 1 bushels in hours OSAMA BIN LADEN MAKES DEMANDS IN HAND OVER TO AMERICANS Private jet to New York one of them, Americans reject offer TARGETED NEANDERTHALS SAY THEY DON’T SUPPORT TERRORISTS “Just because we live in caves does not mean we should be threatened,” says spokesman DEVIL WORSHIPPERS HOLD PRAYER VIGIL FOR WTC VICTIMS “This is obviously an Act of God” says minister** ---
**Author:** ![mrsmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e7dd6/32.png) [@mrsmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrsmore)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/33 "2001-09-17T17:26:13Z")
WTC bombed: ABC Movie of the Week now in production. AFGHAN TERRORISTS TO BLAME: Bush quoted “Anyone who would frighten handmade blankets is capable of anything.” Gary Condit Speaks Out “You Know everybody was calling me a bad guy and I only killed ONE person!” ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/34 "2001-09-17T17:27:48Z")
**POWELL: WE MAY NEED TO DEAL WITH “UNSAVORY” CHARACTERS TO CATCH TERRORISTS Eminem steps forward to help RESCUE WORKERS REJECT BRONX ZOO ELEPHANTS AS SEARCH ANIMALS “May be a bit larger than what we need”, rescue chief says TV VIEWING TRAGEDY: MTV MUSIC AWARDS TOOK PLACE BEFORE ATTACK, WERE NEVER CANCELLED Millions of Americans traumatized by TV images of Brittney Spears and P. Diddy ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. EXPRESSES CONCERNS OVER AFGHAN POPPY SUPPLY IN EVENT OF WAR MYSTERIOUS BLOOD DONATION ARRIVES FROM TRANSYLVANIA “It’s good to see everyone is pitching in,” says Red Cross spokesman** ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/35 "2001-09-17T17:29:27Z")
**POWELL: WE MAY NEED TO DEAL WITH “UNSAVORY” CHARACTERS TO CATCH TERRORISTS Eminem steps forward to help RESCUE WORKERS REJECT BRONX ZOO ELEPHANTS AS SEARCH ANIMALS “May be a bit larger than what we need,”, rescue chief says TV VIEWING TRAGEDY: MTV MUSIC AWARDS TOOK PLACE BEFORE ATTACK, WERE NEVER CANCELLED Millions of Americans traumatized by TV images of Brittney Spears and P. Diddy ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. EXPRESSES CONCERNS OVER AFGHAN POPPY SUPPLY IN EVENT OF WAR MYSTERIOUS BLOOD DONATION ARRIVES FROM TRANSYLVANIA “It’s good to see everyone is pitching in,” says Red Cross spokesman** ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/36 "2001-09-17T18:00:02Z")
WTC Collapses - Ms. K. Kong Rejoices Louise Kong, wife of the late King Kong, killed by jet fighters during the remake of the 1939 movie classic, openly rejoiced at the news of the destruction of the World Trade Center. Reached at her home on Skull Island, Ms. Kong said “Those buildings have always been a sharp reminder of the personal tragedy my family faced. Ever since King was shot and fell to his death from the World Trade Center I’ve hoped that this would happen. Of course, if he had just kept his damn hands off Jessica Lange we would have never had to face this in the first place. It is just a sad day all the way around.” Neither Jeff Bridges nor Charles Grodin could be reached for comment. AMTRAK/GREYHOUND TO REVEAL NEW JOINT AD CAMPAIGN In an attempt to bolster sagging ridership, both AMTRAK and Greyhound are expected to unveil new ad campaigns prominently featuring the danger of air travel. Among the slogans being market-tested throughout the country: AMTRAK, we’ll get you to your destination on time AND alive. Now that’s service. Greyhound - Leave the Driving to us, not some radical Muslim fundamentalist. ---
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/37 "2001-09-17T18:20:18Z")
\*\*“NORWAY MUST BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR HARBORING TERRORISTS” SAYS FORMER PRESIDENT REAGAN “We must all stand behind President McKinley” former leader adds GARY CONDIT RULES OUT '04 PRESIDENTIAL BID War President hard to defeat, says spokesman\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Balduran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cc9497/32.png) [@Balduran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balduran)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/38 "2001-09-17T18:38:21Z")
New Microsoft Flight Simulator Bug Found ---
**Author:** ![NotMrKnowItAll](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/6bbea6/32.png) [@NotMrKnowItAll](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NotMrKnowItAll)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/39 "2001-09-17T18:57:52Z")
**Afghan Hounds Killed by the Hundreds** Breed to be renamed _Liberty Hounds_ ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/40 "2001-09-17T18:59:03Z")
**Afghanistan Northern Alliance Prays For War** “Bombing us back to the Stone Age would be a step up - please!” **Empire State Building Sees Upside, Downside** “I guess I’m not important enough anymore to want to attack, but, hey, I’m back in the top five of New York’s skyline again, so I guess that’s good news.” **Chicago Reportedly "Pretty Pissed Off"** “What, the tallest building in the United States ain’t good enough for ya?” **Heaven “Indifferent” towards attack** “Yeah, we saw it, but what are ya gonna do?” said St. Peter. The Almighty could not be reached for comment. > [@](#): > > **WTC attacks, Italy surrenders!** No, that should be _France_ surrenders. God bless The Onion. Esprix [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=3)