# Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 17, 2001, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091 "2001-09-17T04:28:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 20
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/381 "2001-09-26T02:15:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ShibbOleth \* > \*\*I read the link that says the Onion is going to be hands off for at least this week. From that perspective, I think the most likely headline is going to be something like this: > > **Terrorists Shocked To Find Themselves In Hell** > “This wasn’t in the brochure,” complained Khalid al Midhar. Al Midhar, a well known terrorist and _houri_ fan claims that bin Laden told him that Heaven would be his reward. “I certainly wasn’t expecting Eternal damnation”, said another terrorist who refused to give his name, “perhaps we should have read the Qur’an a bit more closely.” Bin Laden could not be reached for comment. \*\* [http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/hijackers\_surprised.html](http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/hijackers_surprised.html) ---
**Author:** ![jmonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/dbc845/32.png) [@jmonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmonster)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/382 "2001-09-26T03:23:33Z")
[This article](http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/god_clarifies_dont_kill.html) is a little preachy. But I thought that [Point-Counterpoint](http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/point_americas_response.html) and [Talking to Your Children](http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/talking_to_your_child_tips.html) were good. And I like Phil Gramm’s quote in [this article](http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/us_vows_to_defeat_whoever.html). ---
**Author:** ![Karellen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@Karellen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karellen)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/383 "2001-09-26T04:45:54Z")
Well, folks, The ONION has published their special WTC issue, and it looks like a good one (as always). I think that overall we came up with some pretty darned funny stuff here, none of which anyone at the ONION read (it’s their policy, which I understand completely. Frankly, the last two weeks with no new issue would have been a lot harder to get through were it not for this thread and its contributors. So thanks to everyone. Plus, I finally started a thread that didn’t die the same day. And pushed my post count over 100. Woohooo! ---
**Author:** ![Nonny\_Mouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5e9695/32.png) [@Nonny\_Mouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nonny_Mouse)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/384 "2001-09-26T11:18:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*[http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/hijackers\_surprised.html](http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/hijackers_surprised.html) \*\* Love it. Nonny ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/385 "2001-09-26T12:35:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ShibbOleth \* > I read the link that says the Onion is going to be hands off for at least this week. From that perspective, I think the most likely headline is going to be something like this: > > **Terrorists Shocked To Find Themselves In Hell** > “This wasn’t in the brochure,” complained Khalid al Midhar. Al Midhar, a well known terrorist and _houri_ fan claims that bin Laden told him that Heaven would be his reward. “I certainly wasn’t expecting Eternal damnation”, said another terrorist who refused to give his name, “perhaps we should have read the Qur’an a bit more closely.” Bin Laden could not be reached for comment. \*\* I guess great minds really do think alike. ---
**Author:** ![Re\_PT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a698b9/32.png) [@Re\_PT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Re_PT)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/386 "2001-09-26T17:35:36Z")
**Psychic predicts disaster for the WTC** “I can see guns and hostages in the twin towers” said Sylvia Browne today. ---
**Author:** ![Nymysys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f6c823/32.png) [@Nymysys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nymysys)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2001, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/387 "2001-09-27T02:17:48Z")
**US gives Afghanistan a “Nanna Nanna Boo Boo.” Osama bin Laden retaliates by stepping on crack.** Switzerland gives everyone a “time out,” stating, “Too much sugar before bedtime.” Just came to me while putting on lipstick. Had to come downstairs and post it. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2001, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/388 "2001-09-27T17:40:42Z")
\*\*WTC ATTACK DECLARED PRANK GONE AWRY \*\* " We infliltrated every restroom and at the predesignated time, everyone flushed the johns at the same precise moment." Said an unnamed member of the Delta Gamma Fraternity. " What can I say other than it’s Rush Week. Sorry, dudes." ---
**Author:** ![MissBHaven](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missbhaven/32/7170_2.png) [@MissBHaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissBHaven)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2001, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/389 "2001-09-27T17:54:49Z")
Martians in the WTC? Compare the pictures and see for yourself… [http://www.msss.com/education/facepage/face.html](http://www.msss.com/education/facepage/face.html) [http://www.clickondetroit.com/sh/news/stories/nat-news-96283920010917-120936.html#](http://www.clickondetroit.com/sh/news/stories/nat-news-96283920010917-120936.html#) 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![pZott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pZott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pZott)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2001, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/390 "2001-09-27T22:05:16Z")
Greetings If you’re simply scanning to see what headlines I have to offer, may as well move on, there’s NO way I can top what’s been posted so far… (Gush-fest alert!) OK I am finally de-lurking, & registering in this site, just so I could respond to this most awesome of threads!!! I wanted to get in my 2 cents before this thread is closed, as it may be outliving its usefulness soon. Karellen, you totally rule. I can’t thank you enough for starting this thread. It has been VERY therapeutic to me, in coming to terms with the terrible events of 9/11 (but without losing sight of the seriousness of the new situation, the new world in which we all live now.). I think there were a few moments I nearly passed out, I was laughing so hard. Then I realized, hey, it’s ok to laugh & not feel pain, and to not feel bad about not feeling bad (well, you know…). And rather than waste copious space copying all my fave headlines in here (as someone did near the top of page 8 of this thread, sheesh just gimme new stuff, dernit!!), I wanted to give a quick “honorable mention” to some notable contributors, Karellen, for obvious reasons Shirley Ujest, for sooo many great inputs Vinnie Virginslayer, for the latter reason too and ShibbOleth Rick Jay Amazing Magic-Gro Monster quixotic78 Nymysys and to the many others for their inputs (OK I stopped looking for notable names after about page 3, so a tip O’ the hat to the rest of you, too…). ALSO to the various contributors of those Onion-esque non headline items – Articles, “Point Counterpoint”, “What do you think” etc. This stuff was better reading than much of the Onion’s own material!!! You guys totally made my day(s)! 😃😃😃 thanks again! Mick ps. to anyone out there who hasn’t \ visited it yet, [http://www.theonion.com](http://www.theonion.com) you _MUST_ go see what this thread was all about… ---
**Author:** ![InRepair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a88e4f/32.png) [@InRepair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InRepair)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2001, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/391 "2001-09-27T23:25:00Z")
Just one more? **America Loses Innocence for 143rd Time** _“America has truly lost its innocence,” Mayor says_ ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/392 "2001-10-15T10:46:04Z")
It’s taken me this long to read through this freakin’ thread… **HARD OF HEARING TERRORIST ATTACKS MERLE’S BAIT CENTER IN TWO FORKS, WV** _5000 Nightcrawlers Missing, Feared Squished_ **NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED WTC ATTACK!** _Psychic’s writings clearly state: “In a couple hundred years, something real bad will happen. Oh yeah.”_ **MAYOR GIULIANI DEFIANT: "Next time we’ll build TRIPLET Towers!"** ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/393 "2001-10-15T17:08:25Z")
**U.S. Launches Punitive Attack on Castle Anthrax** Grail-Shaped Beacon Knocked Out, DoD Spokesman Claims ---
**Author:** ![cerebrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3da27b/32.png) [@cerebrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cerebrum)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2002, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/394 "2002-09-10T13:19:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by delphica \* > \*\*(Note: This is **not** my opinion, I’m just playing around with possibilities for the imagry.) \*\* Finally! The third word that ends in gry. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2002, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091/395 "2002-09-10T13:29:00Z")
[Read the announcement on 9/11](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/announcement.php?forumid=4) Thanks. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/possible-onion-headlines-warning-wtc-humor/82091.md?page=19)